Consolidated Discussion - Paying for Dates

[ja123]

2 years in my relationship I let my girlfriend pay for both of us ~3 times and I felt horrible about it. We started to split the tab near the end of the relationship, but for 1 year 4-8 months, I paid every time all the time. Just the way I am though. I don't believe in letting the woman pay.

 

I wouldn't take that approach long-term, if I were a man, unless I were making tons of cash; or, to bring back the subject of the feminist poster, she were doing housechores.

[normal person]

If you have a lot of money for you age, then you should pay for everything. I don't see why that's an issue. 50 bucks to a girl is probably 5 bucks to you in terms of money importance (or however you want to express it)

 

I say this being in the same boat as you are. I make a lot of money for my age and will pay for everything when it comes to dating

 

I don't know if you really read the whole thing. I said I always pay for everything without complaint. When I suggested to another male poster that he should always expect to have to pay for everything without complaint, Kaylan said that that shouldn't be the case or that I was going after the wrong girls if that was happening.

 

Why would the girls you seem to go after care about pulling their weight if youre always willing to pay for their stuff?

 

This makes sense on paper. The thing is that if I didn't get my card out and offer to pay -- if I just sat there looking at the bill as if I wasn't expected to pay (or maybe even just expected her to pay half) -- she would think much less of me. Who knows? Maybe she'd come on here and start a thread called "Guy I'm dating just sat there and looked at the bill!" Like I said Kaylan, if you've found a number of girls that have bucked this trend, congrats. I don't know where you find 'em. I think the mere existence of this thread to begin with suggests that there are still plenty of girls who expect to be paid for in full, regardless of their empty offerings to pay half.

 

My experience is that by being a guy, you have to make the gesture. You have to pay in full without complaint and if she legitimately wants to pay her share, awesome. But in the hypothetical instance where you don't do this, you're most likely going to get hell. To the poster I was trying to help, you can take my advice or Kaylan's depending on what your reality has been, I guess. He makes a fair point but it just doesn't really apply to my experiences.

Edited March 23, 2013 by normal person

[musemaj11]

Wise men always pay on dates.

 

I hate paying on dates but I always pay anyway because truth be told women simply dont like to pay on dates and expecting them to is just going to degrade yourself in their eyes.

 

Also, even if a woman offers to pay just refuse it because 90% of the times women have no intention to actually pay when they offer to. Its just a fake gesture.

[normal person]

Wise men always pay on dates.

 

I hate paying on dates but I always pay anyway because truth be told women simply dont like to pay on dates and expecting them to is just going to degrade yourself in their eyes.

 

Also, even if a woman offers to pay just refuse it because 90% of the times women have no intention to actually pay when they offer to. Its just a fake gesture.

 

Yup, pretty much exactly what I've been saying only more concise.

[Woggle]

Nevermind Not going there

[Woggle]

This is why many men don't want to pay for dates. I was a 'dinner whore': Confessions of a fashionista who cruised Craigslist and OKCupid for dates just so she could get free meals | Mail Online

[Seductive]

Let's say you know a man that complains about financial issues and says that he can only split the bill when he's going on dates.After complaining about the cost of having to own up a dinner bill, he is quick to spend $1000 dollars on speakers, buys a new car, buys a new condo, and buys expensive computer stuff.

 

He later reveals that it's not necessarily money issues, but that he hates the idea of having to pay for a woman. He also says he hates the idea of having to spend money on an engagement ring for the woman he loves. Yet, he's perfectly happy spending a lot of money on himself. He also encourages the woman that he dates to spend her money on expensive things that she doesn't want.

 

Ladies-Would you date this man?

 

Men-Would you feel that this man is a disgrace or do you agree with him? Would you also expect a woman to pay for her own engagement ring or to always split the expenses?

 

I'm not involved with this man, but am curious to hear your experiences. I find it very telling when a person is only generous with themselves, but not generous with the ones they supposedly caring about.

 

Call me old-fashioned, but I think two people that love each other will want to do something nice for each other. I am not going to complain if I have to buy something nice for my significant other.

[sweetkiwi]

Hell. No.

 

I would rather have a man be upfront about his feelings not lie then come up with some random reasons as to why he wouldn't buy the woman he loves an engagement ring.

 

Besides my man would know I only want a plain band. I don't need a huge diamond to feel the love. Something simple. Engraved on the inside.

[StanMusial]

Let's say you know a man that complains about financial issues and says that he can only split the bill when he's going on dates.After complaining about the cost of having to own up a dinner bill, he is quick to spend $1000 dollars on speakers, buys a new car, buys a new condo, and buys expensive computer stuff.

 

He later reveals that it's not necessarily money issues, but that he hates the idea of having to pay for a woman. He also says he hates the idea of having to spend money on an engagement ring for the woman he loves. Yet, he's perfectly happy spending a lot of money on himself. He also encourages the woman that he dates to spend her money on expensive things that she doesn't want.

 

Ladies-Would you date this man?

 

Men-Would you feel that this man is a disgrace or do you agree with him? Would you also expect a woman to pay for her own engagement ring or to always split the expenses?

 

I'm not involved with this man, but am curious to hear your experiences. I find it very telling when a person is only generous with themselves, but not generous with the ones they supposedly caring about.

 

Call me old-fashioned, but I think two people that love each other will want to do something nice for each other. I am not going to complain if I have to buy something nice for my significant other.

 

Sounds like a real cheap mf.

[Pyro]

I'm all about both sides putting their fair share in when it comes to dating expenses.

 

That being said the dude sounds like a major douche.

[sabre80]

This all depends on how much you put in. Are you paying for half the dates? I am old fashioned but I would quickly get burnt out if the woman I am seeing expects me to pay for everything. I too have issues with engagement rings. But its more than just the money but the principle behind it. A diamond is actually inherently worthless. It is an industrial tool not a rare gem. It is actually a very common gem. Their rarity and price are artificially dictated by a criminal cartel. In fact 85% of the diamonds you find in jewelry shops are USED. They manipulate the public with fancy advertisement and stupid rules injected into women's magazines about x number of months salary.

 

Anyway I digress. If the amount of money spent on you in a relationship is important and he does not meet your standard date someone else. If you are not putting in your equal share (seeing as it is what women wanted. . .equality and all) your the selfish one. I will say however his personal spending habits can be an indicator of future spending habits. Money is the number one arguments in relationship. So at least you get to see the future.

[grkBoy]

Men-Would you feel that this man is a disgrace or do you agree with him?

 

He's a disgrace in my book. I'm just old-fashioned and believe if you're going to want to date a woman, then have the manhood to pony up the money when you ask her out on a date.

 

I'm honestly sick of guys whining about paying for dates. If it bothers you that much, then don't date. If you want to whine that you can't get laid then, go buy an escort and at least get guaranteed sex for your money. That or work your way into being some super hot playa who can seduce women home for sex without dating.

 

 

Would you also expect a woman to pay for her own engagement ring or to always split the expenses?

 

I paid for my fiance's ring. I didn't spend a ton on it, and she actually liked that I sought out a ring that complimented her sense of style, was beautiful, and yet not insanely expensive. I would tell any man if he meets a woman who "expects" a $10,000 (random number I thought of) ring, he should walk.

 

However, like dating, if he wants to ask her for her hand, show the manhood to find a ring and surprise her.

 

 

The only time I ever stand on splitting expenses is when this is something beyond a normal date. Like if we're planning on going on a trip. She should pay her own way for the ticket and hotel.

 

I also think women should show some class and heart by offering or even surprising and taking her man out (and paying). It shows she's modern-thinking and not all about money. Show's she really likes him and isn't just enjoying the money he spends. Still, I think this is more when things have become a solid RL or close to it.

[will1988]

sounds like a ratfink to me. I never grasped the concept of going dutch. I always pay, or sometimes my GF pays... circle of life kind of thing. If he has a lot of money to blow on random garbage and yet says he is too broke to by you a ring...and uses excuses about not needing to buy you a ring. To me that means he does not think you are wifey material.

[Object_a]

He sounds like a selfish cheapskate to me, chuck him and move on!

 

FYI I've taught feminism and gender studies so I have what you might call 'progressive' views on gender roles. Even so I would always assume that I pay for a date I asked for unless the woman says otherwise (which does happen, before any of the resident misogynists get fired up about feminist hypocrites). It's common courtesy that if you ask someone one you should be a good host and make their effort worthwhile.

[PogoStick]

The woman should pay to take the man out, otherwise I don't think she's worth dating. She should also spend 6 months income on him to get engaged. If she doesn't do this, then she clearly doesn't love him very much.

[harmfulsweetz]

It's not the money that would bother me, it's how much a douche he seems to be with it by lying. If a guy doesn't want to pay for a date, that's fine, be upfront about it, but don't make out it's because he can't afford it if he can, and just doesn't like paying.

 

I'm the type of person that loves spending money on people I care about. I get that there are people out there that don't feel the same way, but I guess I couldn't be with someone like that. I couldn't be with someone who would sooner buy pointless things for themselves, and not spend anything on someone they cared about. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

[waiting4u]

I think this sort of thing is indicative of selfishness in other areas of life as well. If he really liked you, he would buy YOU 1000 speakers and not insult you by going out to dinner with you when he can't 'afford' to pick up the bill. If he's got financial problems, he could take you out for a milkshake or something.

 

Run. Away. You'll be paying his rent before you know it.

[ltjg45]

Men-Would you feel that this man is a disgrace or do you agree with him? Would you also expect a woman to pay for her own engagement ring or to always split the expenses?

 

I would knock the crap out of him if he so much as to mention this BS idea to me.

[pteromom]

Let's say you know a man that complains about financial issues and says that he can only split the bill when he's going on dates.After complaining about the cost of having to own up a dinner bill, he is quick to spend $1000 dollars on speakers, buys a new car, buys a new condo, and buys expensive computer stuff.

 

He later reveals that it's not necessarily money issues, but that he hates the idea of having to pay for a woman. He also says he hates the idea of having to spend money on an engagement ring for the woman he loves. Yet, he's perfectly happy spending a lot of money on himself. He also encourages the woman that he dates to spend her money on expensive things that she doesn't want.

 

Ladies-Would you date this man?

 

No! It shows a general attitude of selfishness and not getting enjoyment out of making someone else happy.

 

Big red flags for all kinds of relationship problems.

[pteromom]

The responses crack me up.

 

I would NOT want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly evaluates everything to make sure it is "equal". That requires a pre-conceived notion that the other person is with you to see what they can get from you, and that attitude is VERY unattractive.

 

Both people should give freely because they want to. Because their desire is to make the other happy.

 

Be it money or affection or dinners or flowers or backrubs or seeing a movie you don't care for, or paying attention to their rants about work, or going to their hobby events, or whatever.

 

Love isn't about making sure you are getting yours. It's about giving yourself to someone else. And when both people are doing that, there is no need to keep score.

[kaylan]

Its his money, and a person should of course be able to spend on themselves and cautious about spending money on those they dont know well yet.

 

That being said, buying her own engagement ring? Dunno about that one. I wouldnt break the bank on buying a girl engagement and wedding jewelry, but I wouldnt expect her to chip in for her own. Same way I would think itd be bad form if she wanted me to pay for my engagement or wedding ring.

[Estate]

Let's say you know a man that complains about financial issues and says that he can only split the bill when he's going on dates.After complaining about the cost of having to own up a dinner bill, he is quick to spend $1000 dollars on speakers, buys a new car, buys a new condo, and buys expensive computer stuff.

 

He later reveals that it's not necessarily money issues, but that he hates the idea of having to pay for a woman. He also says he hates the idea of having to spend money on an engagement ring for the woman he loves. Yet, he's perfectly happy spending a lot of money on himself. He also encourages the woman that he dates to spend her money on expensive things that she doesn't want.

 

Ladies-Would you date this man?

 

Men-Would you feel that this man is a disgrace or do you agree with him? Would you also expect a woman to pay for her own engagement ring or to always split the expenses?

 

I'm not involved with this man, but am curious to hear your experiences. I find it very telling when a person is only generous with themselves, but not generous with the ones they supposedly caring about.

 

Call me old-fashioned, but I think two people that love each other will want to do something nice for each other. I am not going to complain if I have to buy something nice for my significant other.

 

So I'm a guy... here's my take.

 

If HE asks the girl out... then just be a man and pay for the damn date.

It's not easy for everyone to pay for expensive resteraunts or events so if he can't then, just go for drinks, or a movie, or a walk in the park or something that doesn't cost a lot...

... if you REALLY just don't have the money to spend on expensive things, DON'T talk about it either. She'll understand your financial situation as she gets to know who you are, what you do, etc... and if she's worth it, she'll get what level you are at.

 

If it gets to a relationship stage, then I really appreciate a girl who'll split the cost sometimes... If I buy drinks, maybe she picks up the movie tickets.

If you're just grabbing a quick burger, split it. Things like that.

I don't expect it, but I appreciate she would offer.

But even then... if you bring her out for a fancy meal, even if you are married 10 years... pay for the damn meal.

 

Now on other things... (like engagement rings and weddings)...

I'll own up and say that the expense involves seems insane to me. If the woman only puts the value on the ring, that would concern me. It makes a LOT more sense to me to buy a nice ring, that's not going to cost me a mortgage and then ACTUALLY put the money towards a mortgage... i.e. something tangible for OUR future.

But like anything... there is a balance... I'd want to buy the nicest and best ring I could without being a mug.

 

Now back to this guy. He's being a BUM and this woman should drop him. He's "comfortable". He can get away with being selfish and getting what he wants and this girl is sticking around giving him regular sex. He's all set for life unless she threatens all that going away for him.

 

TELLING a girl about financial stuff like that is low brass... end of. Your a man, you provide, don't whinge about what a poor provider you'll be.

 

Also... if you can afford a $1000 sound system, you can afford a $500 one (which isn't exactly bad is it?) and spend the rest buying a nice little couples vacation or something. He wants his cake and is eating it too.

 

Seriously... he has it comfortable and he's knows it... the second she threatens to walk I GUARANTEE you, he will change his tune.

 

Sounds like a loser though. And that's coming from a guy.

[crude]

Why is the onus on the man to pay for everything or else he's cheap? Why doesn't the woman own up and pay the dinner bill, why doesn't the woman plan a trip to show the man she cares? It always seems to be one sided. If someone is old fashioned, then surely women shouldn't have any decent jobs or independence, and should be considered mens' chattel. If that seems wrong, then women should certainly pay equally. It doesn't have to be Dutch, they can take turns treating each other. If a women really believes the world somehow owes her a living because of her gender, then she surely will never make a decent partner, just a mooch.

[ltjg45]

At this point, I don't really care if the woman pays for anything if she is in a relationship with me because frankly I don't give two craps about money. I rather for her to use her own money for her own needs and, if she needs any extra and I have it, she can get that too. Not to mention 9 times out of 10, the only reason why I'm in a relationship with her to begin with is because I initially approached.

 

Fighting over money is a pointless argument and, frankly, I rather bow out and give her what she wants and end the relationship than continue on with it.

 

If I like her and approach her, I will pay for the date and anything beyond it. If I don't like her, then obviously I won't approach her.

 

Simple logic. I don't need it to be any more complex than it really needs to be.

[Seductive]

Thanks for all the replies. The man in question is my ex from a few years ago. Kimberlydoll-you are correct. This man did become very controlling and mean towards the end of our relationship ( I dumped him when these signs were showing). I did suggest to stay home and cook if he was struggling with the bills, but he insisted on going to the expensive restaurants. I also am willing to buy popcorn, tea, ice cream, and even allowed him to use my car (which costs gas). So, it's not like I'm expecting man to pay for everything. I also was making much less than him when we were dating. He was a supervisor that did well for himself. he was against me putting money in my savings account, and would tell me to buy things that i didnt want. If he's willing to blow off a thousand dollars in one day, I'm concerned as to what kind of parent he would be. Would he buy speakers and tell his kid,"I have no money to buy you clothes and shoes." if I like to be wise about money, I would prefer that my partner is the same. it's important to have an emergency savings account and to be frugal. Once you're screwed and empty, you won't have anything to fall back on.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Seductive