Revolver Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 I've said it before and ill say it again. Men of all ages races and financial backgrounds have no problem paying for dates(or anything really) when it comes to women they really like/love and see value in. Just having her company is great so he doesn't care. But like women don't value all men the same, men don't value all women the same. So many times a guy will be "cheap" with one girl and only want to order pizza/stay at his house, and that same guy with another girl will bring out his yacht for dates. It's The same guy, just values those 2 women differently 1 Link to post Share on other sites
escafeld Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 I've said it before and ill say it again. Men of all ages races and financial backgrounds have no problem paying for dates(or anything really) when it comes to women they really like/love and see value in. Just having her company is great so he doesn't care. But like women don't value all men the same, men don't value all women the same. So many times a guy will be "cheap" with one girl and only want to order pizza/stay at his house, and that same guy with another girl will bring out his yacht for dates. It's The same guy, just values those 2 women differently But the general presumption is that 'women need looking after', which many don't! In fact I've had many g/f's who would be mortally offended if they thought I was trying to curry favour by lavishing them with free meals/gifts etc, one girlfriend was a director of a publicly quoted company, had much more money than me but I still liked treating her and she liked that, but it wasn't her expectation. Most appreciate there's a happy medium, and it those women that men find most attractive..even the rich ones. Link to post Share on other sites
BoneyHadger Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 To me it isn't exactly about money, but more about selfishness. The guy in OP certainly sounds selfish as hell. And I'm guessing that selfishness in financial area often carries over to other areas. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
escafeld Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 Anyone woman think's of claims to be old fashioned is a red flag to me. That's a good point, I've often seen/heard women asking for 'traditional' or 'old fashioned' relationships sold to men almost as if it's a virtue. What they mean of course is that they want to be looked after financially and not have their expenditure controlled or be chained to children and the kitchen sink! Link to post Share on other sites
escafeld Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 To me it isn't exactly about money, but more about selfishness. The guy in OP certainly sounds selfish as hell. And I'm guessing that selfishness in financial area often carries over to other areas. You may well be right, but what isn't clear from the OP is what the woman who's involved with this man is actually bringing to the party (or taking away), without that information we can't make a final judgement about the man concerned although on the face of it he does sound selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
PCS991 Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 Let's say you know a man that complains about financial issues and says that he can only split the bill when he's going on dates.After complaining about the cost of having to own up a dinner bill, he is quick to spend $1000 dollars on speakers, buys a new car, buys a new condo, and buys expensive computer stuff. He later reveals that it's not necessarily money issues, but that he hates the idea of having to pay for a woman. He also says he hates the idea of having to spend money on an engagement ring for the woman he loves. Yet, he's perfectly happy spending a lot of money on himself. He also encourages the woman that he dates to spend her money on expensive things that she doesn't want. Ladies-Would you date this man? Men-Would you feel that this man is a disgrace or do you agree with him? Would you also expect a woman to pay for her own engagement ring or to always split the expenses? I'm not involved with this man, but am curious to hear your experiences. I find it very telling when a person is only generous with themselves, but not generous with the ones they supposedly caring about. Call me old-fashioned, but I think two people that love each other will want to do something nice for each other. I am not going to complain if I have to buy something nice for my significant other. I'm a guy. Hell no I wouldn't date this man if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 So many awesome men out there. Why settle for this idiot? Link to post Share on other sites
Charlie Harper Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 I just spoke with someone over FB chat, asking her if she is going to be at a concert tonight, she said "I am saving for a trip to Africa and I dont have the luxury of spending on a concert", I told her, next time let me know I invite you ( I know she LOVES that band), anyways, she then messages me and tells me that his husband doesnt give her any money, but in the beginning he behaved almost the same as the OP person of example. I would not date a person who is selfish with money or TALKS about money. Either you have it or you don't so why whine about it? Also if he is generous with himself and not towards others is a major NO NO .... to put it bluntly ..he is an egotistical bastard. Link to post Share on other sites
escafeld Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 If you ask a girl out you should pay for everything, I think that is ovious What if the girl asks you out? Link to post Share on other sites
escafeld Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 Not according to the men I date. I have to basically force the guy I'm dating to allow me to pay here and there when we're out. But he begrudgingly lets me. You've slightly hit the nail on the head, I don't think most men have a problem with paying, what aggrieves us is the expectation that the man will pay for everything. I'll happily pay for most dates but it's an incredibly unattractive quality to see a woman sit on her hands every time she joins you for dinner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 (edited) Wow, this is an old topic! Thank you for all of the replies and am glad to hear that some of you found this interesting. What sort of expensive things are these? Why would someone even try to convince their partner to buy expensive things for themselves that they don't want? Is this a control issue? He would tell me to buy ipads, sign up for various credit cards, expensive dresses, and move to an expensive part of town. He was also telling my roommate to move to a pricier apartment and to buy a new car, and she complained to me about that. What's funny is that one of my female friends noticed that he had a controlling personality during the first four months of dating, but I refused to see it. I concur with revolver on how treatment can differ based on how you value each other. Someone may say "I will never marry" or "I will never commit", but that same person finds the woman of his dreams and BAM! Everything he said goes out of the window. Actions speak louder than words. Edited May 14, 2013 by Seductive Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 I think this is a problem of difference in income and lifestyle that needs to be ironed out. IMO men need to pay for the first couple of dates, not always, the girl can reciprocate after that. But it is still difficult when there is such significant income difference, she'll need to become sensitive to this. On the other hand, if she ends up paying all the time, you might feel bad yourself. I think you should take turns paying when you go out together, decide to go to places where you can afford to pay, when it is your turn to pay, and for larger groups, when you become more comfortable with each other, she could reimburse you after, now it's tough. I'm sure you'll work it out. It's funny that in the culture I'm coming from, men often gave the cash to the woman to keep in her purse, so these issues with the men getting the bill are not so prevalent, he still gets the check maybe, but he tells her openly without a problem: "honey, give me some money" I remember, when I was very young, a college student, I went on a trip with my boyfriend and another guy friend. They both gave me all their cash to carry around in my purse and both were asking me for money when they wanted to pay for something, although only one of them was my boyfriend Culture and upbringing do have a factor. I have some South-East Asian and Middle-Eastern friends say that are expected to pay for an entire group of people, if they're doing the inviting and planning. Asking each party to chip in is considered rude. When I was dating men from my culture, I used to offer dutch and they would say "No." When I started dating a white man (The one in my question about money, men and dating thread), he obviously started to expect dutch. I explained to him how my upbringing and culture socialized me to have the views that I had, as he was my very first white boyfriend that had issues with money. Paying for dates was never an issue with the men in my culture. Like Elswyth said, everyone is different and should just date the person they're compatible with. If money is an argument, then don't date each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted May 14, 2013 Share Posted May 14, 2013 So long as a woman knows her "place" you'll treat her right? Way to completely manipulate what I said. Basically I said if she is not acting like a bitch, I'll treat her with the utmost respect and courtesy. I don't know where you live but where I love 70%+ of the women in my area are rude, stuck up, snobby, and are just cruel to rand strangers. I see the way the wealthier women at the mall near my work in a well off area, I see the way they treat employees, employees of restaurants, clothing stores, you name it. I've seen an older woman scream at McDonalds employee because there were pickles on her burger. I've seen a young girl of about 21 belitle and completely invalidate a Macy's employee.because they didn't have the shoes she wanted in the color she wanted. These women will not be receiving any respect or chivalry from me. So if you consider my opinion a "woman knowing her place," then sure. A woman's place is not to be a total bitch. Everything else is fair game. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 It's funny a woman will date a guy for 2 months and he pays for everything and calls but when he slows down a little, the advice is dump him, don't call him, don't even return calls. Oh yeah treat like the guy like dirt why would a man want to even do this? Btw I will be donating some food to the food bank, while apparently I'm a broke, jobless dude because I'm not willing to pay for dates. The advice on this forum that's female to female is ALWAYS leave him. even when as a guy I can look at the scenario and clearly see he is pulling back because he feels like he is doing everything and getting no effort put in his direction, so they tell her to stop contacting him. LOL. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 I think it's very sweet and gentlemanly when a guy offers to or insists on picking up the tab on the first date. I then insist on picking up the next tab, and after the first date, I'll kiss him and thank him again for dinner or whatever it was. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 15, 2013 Share Posted May 15, 2013 He would tell me to buy ipads, sign up for various credit cards, expensive dresses, and move to an expensive part of town. He was also telling my roommate to move to a pricier apartment and to buy a new car, and she complained to me about that. What's funny is that one of my female friends noticed that he had a controlling personality during the first four months of dating, but I refused to see it. Ugh, so controlling. If he needs you to have expensive dresses or a new car so badly, he can damn well gift them to you. Either that, or let you decide on your OWN expenditure without the pressure from him to splurge. Sounds like you dodged a bullet right there. Link to post Share on other sites
Seductive Posted May 16, 2013 Share Posted May 16, 2013 Ugh, so controlling. If he needs you to have expensive dresses or a new car so badly, he can damn well gift them to you. Either that, or let you decide on your OWN expenditure without the pressure from him to splurge. Sounds like you dodged a bullet right there. Yes, I'm glad I walked away before what else could have erupted! After we broke up and he was fussing about money, I did offer to pay him back for our dates. He said that he was insulted that I would do such a thing, and that he didn't want my money. I'm confused as to why you would complain about paying money, but then also getting upset when a woman is offering to give you money? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jcm101 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 First date understandable, I never expect one to offer and even if they did, I would insist on me just paying for them. Im not sure after that if the rule "If you're the one asking out, you can't expect them to pay". If you're going on let's say 4 dates at a restaurant and she hasn't offered once and just sat their when the bill came, is this a red flag to you guys? Or do you wait until you're offical to split things? Link to post Share on other sites
ltjg45 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 It wouldn't bother me since I'm not concerned with such details. If I didn't like her enough to pay for the meal, I wouldn't be there with her to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
colombiana28 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 red flag. if you don't set boundaries early they'll think taking advantage of you is okay for the duration of the relationship. i appreciate the gesture on the first date when a man pays. i offer to pay my share (earnestly), but it just makes a good impression when he insists. can't explain why, it just makes the heart flutter (if i'm into him). however, i always tell him I've got next, and from then on i make SURE i pay my share (50%) while dating and throughout the relationship. there are many women out there who do not expect men to pay for everything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 .it comes a time when the lady has to contribute too...a relationship is fiftyfifty..I dont mind paying its my pleasure for a wonderful date but at least show some sort of conseration even though I'm still gonna pay for u - no, a relationship is 100-100... if you only give 50% and you are keeping score to make sure she is also giving her 50%, you are never going to be happy in a relationship. Because there are some times one partner can give 0% and the other has to help him/her along, and it changes depending on what is going on in the relationship. It is NOT a score-keeping exercise. - money isn't the only check box on the "contribution" scale. There is also care-giving, affection, sex, chores, gifts, listening, friendship, and many other currencies in a relationship. Sure, if someone is just taking in all categories and is giving nothing back, it's probably time to move on, but not paying for dinner? Who cares. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HuffmanMontana Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Until we are officially a couple I assume I am paying for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
AsonUnique Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I'm glad this topic was brought up. This traditional chinese girl I've gone on dates with hasn't made any gesture to help with the bill. That's fine. Then we go to an asian candy shop and she picks out $30 worth of "candy" (I don't consider dried veggies and fruits as candy..), brings it to the register, and doesn't even hint at paying for it. So I paid for it. Could be a cultural thing in my case...but I'm not exactly balling right now b/c of budget cuts at work. Columbiana mentioned setting boundaries. Is this something we as men should do, particularly when money is tight? If I had the money, I'd be fine paying for whatever. I just know that I don't get paid until next week and I need to find something free/cheap to do before then... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crude Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I'm glad this topic was brought up. This traditional chinese girl I've gone on dates with hasn't made any gesture to help with the bill. That's fine. It's not really fine. If she makes much more $$$ than you, then she's not really a traditional woman. She's a modern woman who pretends to be traditional when it suits her. What do you think will happen when she meets a man who makes a lot more than her, won't she dump you because traditional girls make much less than their husbands? I'll never understand men being so willing to be taken advantage of. And forget this business of women pretending to offer to pay or her saying "I appreciate all the money you're spending on me." She should actually be paying for every second date for example, not saying she appreciates everything you do but her doing nothing like that in return. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jcm101 Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 I'm glad this topic was brought up. This traditional chinese girl I've gone on dates with hasn't made any gesture to help with the bill. That's fine. Then we go to an asian candy shop and she picks out $30 worth of "candy" (I don't consider dried veggies and fruits as candy..), brings it to the register, and doesn't even hint at paying for it. So I paid for it. Could be a cultural thing in my case...but I'm not exactly balling right now b/c of budget cuts at work. Columbiana mentioned setting boundaries. Is this something we as men should do, particularly when money is tight? If I had the money, I'd be fine paying for whatever. I just know that I don't get paid until next week and I need to find something free/cheap to do before then... Now THAT is definitely a red flag. I'm mainly talking about eating out at a restaurant, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts