Consolidated Discussion - Paying for Dates

[Treasa]

As a female, I would be mortified if a guy always paid. He can pay for the first one if he offers. After that it goes back and forth, or I reciprocate in other ways.

 

.....

 

Like making him DINNER, you perverts!

 

.....

 

Ok, or sucking him off.

[AsonUnique]

It's not really fine. If she makes much more $$$ than you, then she's not really a traditional woman. She's a modern woman who pretends to be traditional when it suits her. What do you think will happen when she meets a man who makes a lot more than her, won't she dump you because traditional girls make much less than their husbands? I'll never understand men being so willing to be taken advantage of. And forget this business of women pretending to offer to pay or her saying "I appreciate all the money you're spending on me." She should actually be paying for every second date for example, not saying she appreciates everything you do but her doing nothing like that in return.

 

She doesn't know that she makes more than me, but I'm seeing that isn't the essence of your point anyway. You're making a lot of assumptions about this girl and I don't want to derail this guy's thread and make it about my situation, so I'll just say that I do respect your opinion.

 

So if the guy is doing all the paying, some posters are saying to suck it up and pay, some say to ditch the bitc---err lady, and then there's always the option to be up front and discuss it with the girl openly, then see what happens?

 

Women want equal rights until it comes time to pay the bill, amirite?? lol (kidding)

Edited May 21, 2013 by AsonUnique

[ScreamingTrees]

Yes because we all KNOW that every woman's most secret desire is to score that FREE $12.99 chicken parmasean dinner more than anything else on earth. So if she offers to pay for half of that coveted prize, then she must REALLY be in love with you. Good lord.

 

Well, I'd rather not pay 200$+ in a month just to go on a rejection spree. Being alone is not worse than being alone and throwing a ****-ton of your cash at total strangers who are not even platonic friends to you.

[na49]

My girlfriend offers to pay every time. She's also got a disease to please and would pay all the time if I let her.

 

We usually go one person pays one day, the other pays the next, or we split the bill. It would bother me if a girl didn't offer to pay or picked out a bunch of crap, brought it to the register and waited for me to pull out my wallet.

[crude]

As a female, I would be mortified if a guy always paid. He can pay for the first one if he offers. After that it goes back and forth, or I reciprocate in other ways.

 

 

That's exactly the way it SHOULD be.

[jcm101]

Still remember my first dinner dates w/ girl who I was dating for 2 months.

 

We went out to eat 4x all times she just sat there when bill came and I also cooked for her once for V-Tines. Never offered to pay a little or cook for me back. I asked her each time to go out and we weren't official, but I don't know, I feel a girl should at least offer after the first two or three.

[Treasa]

That's exactly the way it SHOULD be.

 

And if he's attractive to me and has good hygiene, and isn't a douchebag (duh, or else I wouldn't be out with him), that's generally how it ends up being.

[AsonUnique]

For the record, I totally agree that in 2013, a girl should offer to pay. (and be allowed to pay if she can afford to)

 

I got off easy the first 2 dates, all she got was tea. The 3rd date opened my eyes to this dilemma, and this thread has been enlightening.

 

But again, the situation is here, what happened happened, now what? Does a guy bring it up and discuss it prior to the next date or play a game of chicken when the bill comes?

[apple OR orange]

this runs on the same back as "i am entitled to ...... as i am living and female".

 

Dont like it, you eat, you pay, infact there should be an argument if he wants to pay for both and an agreement on who pays next time like "well you pay for this, i'll get the next one".

[KraftDinner]

You know, it's a bit more awkward for the woman than you realize.

 

In the past, when a guy asks me to go for a meal with him, there would first off be the question of the whole, is this a date or just pals hanging out? thing.

 

Not so straight-forward.

 

Here's where it gets interesting.

 

If he asks you to dinner and you maybe sense that HE'S not even sure if you are taking it as a date or not...if you offer to pay, will he automatically assume you just want to be friends?

 

And further:

 

An example that actually happened to me: this guy asked me to dinner. After, he pulls out his credit card. I say, "oh...let me..."

 

He got mad. I don't remember why. But my offering to pay pissed him off.

 

Like I emasculated him? I dunno.

 

Guys, what do you feel a chick should say at the end of the meal? Offer to pay her half? The whole thing? Personally I'd rather just pay the whole thing than deal with that nonsense but I don't want to emotionally neuter a guy in the process.

 

Do you honestly think it's as simple as, "golly gee, I likey a free meal so I'll just flash my boobs at some chump who'll pay for me?"

 

Personally I find worrying about a few dollars to be petty.

[fortyninethousand322]

I really don't care as long as she continues seeing me.

[tbf]

If you're going on let's say 4 dates at a restaurant and she hasn't offered once and just sat their when the bill came, is this a red flag to you guys? Or do you wait until you're offical to split things?

If I were a guy, I would consider this a flag that the woman was traditional in her perspectives. Since I'm not a traditional person, it would be a red flag to me.

 

The reverse situation would also be a red flag. If a guy won't ever allow me to pay, this points to firmly entrenched traditionalism which translates to a major incompatibility of values.

[jcm101]

I think she didn't even say thank you right after the bill came and I pad until way after.

 

Meh, these are just little things I look at. I know im the one scheduling dinner dates, but unless it's an expensive one, I like it if the girl at least offers. Like if it's breakfast or something. If im askign her out to an expensive steakhouse or Italian restuarant, I obviously don't expect her to pay or even offer.

[BoneyHadger]

I think she didn't even say thank you right after the bill came and I pad until way after.

 

Does she thank you for anything at all?

 

She doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

[phineas]

Well, I'd rather not pay 200$+ in a month just to go on a rejection spree. Being alone is not worse than being alone and throwing a ****-ton of your cash at total strangers who are not even platonic friends to you.

 

This. Some people act like taking a woman out to dinner is sooooo cheap.

What are they smoking?

 

I am paying for dinner, appetizer's, and drinks for two people + tip.

If I go sit at the bar at apple-bee's for dinner by myself I'm still paying close to $40 when I leave.

Unless I drink water.

 

First meet usually costs me <$30.

They get a few drinks & that's it.

I'm not there to tie one on i'm there to get to know someone.

[salparadise]

You know, it's a bit more awkward for the woman than you realize. In the past, when a guy asks me to go for a meal with him, there would first off be the question of the whole, is this a date or just pals hanging out? thing. Not so straight-forward.

 

If a guy asks you out to dinner, it's a date. The exceptions would be a) you're his client b) you're his sister c) you're a member of congress and he's a lobbyist.

 

Here's where it gets interesting.

 

If he asks you to dinner and you maybe sense that HE'S not even sure if you are taking it as a date or not...if you offer to pay, will he automatically assume you just want to be friends?

 

And further:

An example that actually happened to me: this guy asked me to dinner. After, he pulls out his credit card. I say, "oh...let me..." He got mad. I don't remember why. But my offering to pay pissed him off. Like I emasculated him? I dunno.

 

Guys, what do you feel a chick should say at the end of the meal? Offer to pay her half? The whole thing? Personally I'd rather just pay the whole thing than deal with that nonsense but I don't want to emotionally neuter a guy in the process.

 

KD, all the ladies really have to do is not take too much for granted, being sensitive to the guy's perspective. You can show this by making a gesture. On a first real date, and depending somewhat on the social strata you're operating in, the gesture is optional.

 

Making the gesture means reaching for your wallet. The guy will probably be expecting it and he'll wave you off before you even get it open, saying something like, "it's my pleasure." The appropriate response is, "thank you so much, the meal was exquisite (choose appropriate adjective)."

 

An initial meet & greet, at a coffee shop or deli type place, resulting from meeting on a dating site is an exception; you're on neutral ground because it has not yet been decided if either of you are interested. In that case, if it's more than a couple of bucks (coffee only), make the gesture. If he waves you off and you already know you don't want to date him, insist. If he waves you off and you do want to date him, say "thank you" and accept. At that point you can confirm your interest in him by standing a little closer or touching him on the arm or shoulder, or something like that.

 

Expectations will be somewhat variable depending on social strata, cultural norms, and the type of date. It's impossible to cover all the variables, but generally speaking, if you're on a real date with a guy in the upper echelons then it may be considered crass to offer to pay (or split). Same is true for cultures where the guys identify with machismo, or the gender roles are still sharply defined.

 

You can pretty much observe from the many posts on this topic that the guys who expect a woman to pay up for early dates are some combination of a) very young b) working class c) broke d) have issues with the dichotomy of feminist and traditional roles.

 

After the first date, or first few dates, it's much smoother to simply take turns picking up the check. My previous gf was pretty darn smooth about it. She would often pick up the check for breakfasts or lunches and I'd pick it up for dinners. The dinners were always more expensive but she'd often compensate. Sometimes when we'd go to the grocery store and buy seafood or steaks and wine, I'd later find some cash in my pocket. I'd estimate that overall it was a 60/40 split but we didn't keep track. We both contributed and it was seldom mentioned. I did let her know that I appreciated her slipping me a few bills, and she likewise expressed appreciation for things. It worked for us, for awhile.

 

Do you honestly think it's as simple as, "golly gee, I likey a free meal so I'll just flash my boobs at some chump who'll pay for me?" Personally I find worrying about a few dollars to be petty.

 

No, it's not that simple, however, an attractive woman could probably eat for free indefinitely by playing this game if she has so little self-respect that she's willing to use her body as bait in such an overt manner.

[Queenie42]

I've found it really depends on the situation of both parties. For instance, Boyfriend and I are pretty much even - we earn about the same (as far as I can guess), we're both at uni, we're both living with family and trying to save up to move out. So I don't feel it would be fair for me to expect him to spend everything on our dates so that I can save more. We tend to split things pretty nicely but we don't really keep track much further than "You can take care of dinner and I'll pay for the film." We're a team.

[nerd]

We tend to split things pretty nicely but we don't really keep track much further than "You can take care of dinner and I'll pay for the film." We're a team.

 

Damn. I miss the days when dinner would cost as little as a film. My culinary tastes have gotten way too expensive.

[Queenie42]

Damn. I miss the days when dinner would cost as little as a film. My culinary tastes have gotten way too expensive.

 

Haha, it can be if you know where to look! Also cinemas are getting more and more expensive so it's pretty balanced. Around here, if you pick the wrong cinema on the wrong day it could be easily $60 for two people. But we've both been students long enough to find all the really tasty and affordable restaurants in town.

 

That's another important aspect... guys, if there's any chance that the date is your shout, don't go for anything too extravagant. Don't take her to some posh seafood joint on the off-chance she'll help pay for it, and don't let her drag you to the ritzy places if you don't want to go. If you are sharing, make sure it's someplace you can both afford that week. And everyone, don't be that pain in the butt who says "But I only had a salad, I shouldn't pay more." It may work on your friends, but it won't impress your date.

[Woggle]

Some of you need to learn how to find good in the hole in the wall places. They really do have some of the best stuff. I just had the best chinese ever in a place that looks like it was built with 2 by 4s and thumb tacks.

[crude]

This says it all. Women buy homes, men live with their parents. Much of that is because men pay for dates. Unreal. Men who don't understand this are chumps.

 

"It's hard to remember that just a few decades ago it was difficult, if not impossible, for a woman alone to take out a mortgage. Federal legislation changed that.

And yet, it's still surprising to learn how dominant single women have become in the housing market today: Their share is second only to married couples, and twice that of single men."

 

 

 

Moving Out And Buying In: Single Ladies Emerge As Homeowners : NPR

[pteromom]

This says it all. Women buy homes, men live with their parents. Much of that is because men pay for dates. Unreal. Men who don't understand this are chumps.

 

Really? Women are going on so many dates, they can afford to buy homes? LOL

 

Maybe it is because women tend to want to settle down earlier than men do, in general. Women want the security of home ownership, while many 20-something men are more interested in partying/sports/career/etc.

 

I'll just say this...

 

I would not mind paying for my meal on a date, and don't feel "entitled" to anything. But I would NEVER go out with a guy who plays the score-keeping game, and I would NEVER go out with a guy who thinks $30 is a big deal. Call me snobby, but ain't nobody got time for that, and mama needs to be able to travel and dine at nice places, and I would NOT deal with someone who is freaking out about spending a little money, on me or otherwise.

[daisybuchanan55]

I didn't even read the entire thread but I'll say this:

 

Girls, if you're paying for ANYTHING before you're an actual couple, the guy you're with is a freaking loser who does not deserve to be out with you.

 

I wouldn't dream of wasting my time with a guy who wouldn't pony up. That is just RIDICULOUS. Women deserve to be treated like queens. You can reciprocate with dinner cooked at home, coffee/movie tix once in awhile, making his favorite snacks for a game...once you are an actual COUPLE! Oh, and a good blow job wouldn't hurt, either!

 

Don't bother spending time with cheap losers. You will end up resenting him and feeling like a worthless piece of trash, when in reality you are a beautiful, fabulous creature who deserves to be treated like royalty. All you're supposed to do when you're getting to know a man is sit back and enjoy.

 

I've had men spend thousands of dollars on me; I've had poor musicians plan beautiful picnics for me that cost next to nothing. Doesn't matter. The point is these men showed EFFORT. My presence/company was enough!!! And it's enough for you too. Be a princess!!!

[BluEyeL]

This says it all. Women buy homes, men live with their parents. Much of that is because men pay for dates. Unreal. Men who don't understand this are chumps.

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

I'm sorry, this is really really funny :laugh:

[BluEyeL]

You going on dates 3x a week, every week? Good for you LOL