Consolidated Discussion - Paying for Dates

[Dzlez]

Yes, because all men should be so lucky to have any woman that they must bow down and pay for anything they want, regardless of the fact that the two people may be total strangers.

 

Are you real? Are you one of those women who think all girls are princesses to be worshiped?

 

Listen, I understand that I could be wrong about MY expectations of meeting some random off the internet, but no need to be rude when explaining to me why that is.

 

 

 

I understand where you're coming from but most women won't even bother with second date if you don't pay for the first date. When I went on a date, the girl offered to split the bill which was really nice but I told her I got it.

[pyramid]

Yes, because all men should be so lucky to have any woman that they must bow down and pay for anything they want, regardless of the fact that the two people may be total strangers.

 

Are you real? Are you one of those women who think all girls are princesses to be worshiped?

 

Listen, I understand that I could be wrong about MY expectations of meeting some random off the internet, but no need to be rude when explaining to me why that is.

 

You aren't total strangers, though; you have texted for a few weeks.

 

No, I'm not a princess. Far from it. However, I am somewhat traditional & expect for the guy to pay on the first date or two. If he didn't offer to pay for something as simple as a coffee, my impression would be that he's either stingy, stubborn, not into me, or oblivious.

 

If that's the impression you are looking to leave at a first meeting, good luck!

 

My goal on a first date is to impress the guy. I would expect that he would also be trying to impress me, and how he handles the bill is a part of that.

 

My apologies for sounding rude - based on your username, references to your date as a "broad," and what appeared to be a question with an obvious answer, I thought you might be a "troll"

[nescafe1982]

My rule is that the asker pays for the first date (man or woman). But I think it's a bit silly to be worried about keeping score this early on, esp. when it's just a cup of coffee.

[Simon Phoenix]

I believe in the US, the tradition is men pay. Even though this doesn't really make sense in the modern world, it is what it is.

 

But there are women out there that will feel uncomfortable making you pay for anything unless they are interested in you as well. And ones that will offer to pay on subsequent dates.

 

I heard that's more common in Europe, but in the US, good luck finding one.

 

My last ex not only wanted to pay for herself, but pay for me as well. But yes, a lot of women in this country expect the man to pay, though with each generation, that expectation isn't as pervasive as it was in the generation before it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Is this real?

 

If you want a second date, pay for her coffee. Pay for dinner on the next date too.

 

I'm kind of surprised she came back after leaving to get her wallet, actually.

 

And this is the type of post that will get this thread rolling.

[soccerrprp]

OMG, it was a fricken' cup of coffee! Pay for the fricken' thing! Why are there any expectations at all if you hadn't communicated them? Why automatically assume that b/c it was just a meet up that either of you were going dutch? Men, traditionally do the paying, so that is the general expectation here in the USA. If that bothers you then you should TALK about it before the "meeting" or date.

 

All of the women I've dated had some expectation that the men would pay. Again, I am dating the 37-45 age bracket and they tend to be more traditional. And I recognize this, so for me, so that there is no awkwardness, I simply pay. If the lady offers later, I will reject the first offer and let her know that there will be a next time.

 

Oh, btw, are you having another date with her?

Edited August 22, 2013 by soccerrprp

[FitChick]

Now that I see how pretty much every single woman on here expects a freebie on a first meet, I understand this is typical behavior with women and will probably be less surprised next time something like this happens. I am a bit new to OLD and still feel like I am meeting a complete stranger on a first date... despite a week of texting.

 

I only exchanged maybe three emails with a guy, no calls, who took me to a small theatre performance that wasn't Broadway expensive but it wasn't cheap either. I knew I'd never see him again because he wasn't my type but he seemed pleasant. I had a nice time, good conversation later at a dinner I paid for -- paid for us both. That sent a clear message that I wasn't interested. I didn't want to create another member of the Bitter Brigade who whine about women using them.

[emva07]

I think the person who invites should go in with the mentality that they are paying, most times it's the men who ask a woman out so that is why most time the men pay.

 

I feel if a woman invites a man out and the man is interested by the end of the night, he will gladly pay the bill, as a sign that he is interested.

 

If man invites out and the woman doesn't like him by the end of the night, she will offer to pay her share/all, as a sign that she is putting a red light to this being more than one date. Or she can offer to pay to see what the guy's reaction is. Considering he invited though, he should pay, especially if he's interested. Now if it becomes more than one date yes, both should divide finances because it wouldn't be fair for the man to have that expense solely on him.

Edited August 22, 2013 by emva07

[emva07]

wow, missed the part about the wallet....Oh no that is just low.

 

She invite then tried to put the invited person in an awkward pickle???

No shame.

[UndercoverLover62]

Since it wasn't a date it was perfectly acceptable to go dutch! but is always is nice to have a gentleman pay for things, even if it is a get to know you meet up.

[emva07]

The thing is, when you meet some random person off one of these websites I feel for the first meeting it should be very casual. It seems awkward meeting a total stranger and assuming they will buy you something.

 

Once I have met her and I feel there is the potential for something romantic, that's when I think it's time to pull out the wallet and treat her to a nice evening.

 

Agreed. My views up above are based on guys who ask me out because they know me in person. I've never done online dating so idk how it works, but yes, of course as your first meet and great it is a pit presumptuous to assume the person you invited is paying when they don't even know you. She already knew you weren't too keen on the idea to begin with, should've had her wallet just in case. Guess she assumed you'd fall for her as soon as you locked eyes for the first time, haha.

 

Now, like you said, on the first date, you know you are interested, therefore you as a gentlemen who is looking to court a girl would pay the bill. Because you invited her with romantic intentions.

Edited August 22, 2013 by emva07

[Bigcitydreamer]

To all the men reading this thread: for the love of god, if you like a girl and want it to go further just pay for the date!!! It's not that hard.

 

Even if you are fundamentally against it for whatever reason a girl will still give you extra points for being generous. I would be blown away if I went on a date/ mini date and had to pay for it.. It would actually be funny to watch my awkward reaction when I am expected to break out my wallet.

[SugarLips72]

Coffee is cheap. If you actually let her pay for her own coffee then you are cheap and can virtually guarantee there will be no date number 2. It's cordial for guys to pay especially for something cheap like coffee. You actually let her go out to her car for her wallet? I am worth a cup of coffee and probably a full blown dinner. If you really have an issue paying for things on the first date regardless of why asked who out, then you do not have a clue and probably willing to bet you do not get many dates.

 

I'm still rolling my eyes that she actually had to go get her wallet. I'm surprised she came back.

Edited August 22, 2013 by SugarLips72

[Sanman]

Since in ~90% of dates 1-3 the man asks (in the U.S. anyway), and OP's case was an exception, the "who asks pays" position has always seemed a bit "convenient" for women to take, so I don't abide it as any kind of reasonable rule of thumb. It's inequitable, and I don't think reasonable people who are interested in any normal definition of "equality" would hold it.

 

That aside, in OP's case, the fact that she looked around expecting the man to pay and had left her wallet in her car would have made this a 15 minute outing and then a "seeya" for me. Privilege... bad bet, guys, in the year 2013. Weed out women who expect equality only when it suits them while simultaneously expecting archaic social advantages of the past in their favor to continue.

 

I have to agree with this. While it is custom and many of the people here will tell you to just pay, you are there to judge whether you want a relationship here as well. If you don't like her expectations, walk away. Honestly, this is what I would do. If she expects you to pay now without discussion, what does that say about future decisions about the partnership? Are you going to be expected to be the bread winner? Pay for most of the dates and financial expenses? Fund a certain lifestyle she prefers? These are things to consider. Maybe it was an initial misstep and maybe it is a sign of things to come. In my experience, even the most progressive of women will have unequal expectations of a man as most people, especially in the U.S., are socialized that way.

[Phoe]

I always pay for myself and expect to pay for myself, it's no problem.

 

Of course, if the guy WANTS to pay, I will happily let him and appreciate the gesture.

 

 

But leaving your wallet in the car and turning back to the guy like "hey you're buying this right?" is WAY too presumptuous.

[Els]

How many pages before this is folded into the master thread?

 

I'm betting on 12 pages, if the mods have gone to bed already.

[Simon Phoenix]

To all the men reading this thread: for the love of god, if you like a girl and want it to go further just pay for the date!!! It's not that hard.

 

Even if you are fundamentally against it for whatever reason a girl will still give you extra points for being generous. I would be blown away if I went on a date/ mini date and had to pay for it.. It would actually be funny to watch my awkward reaction when I am expected to break out my wallet.

 

And this type of attitude is what rubs a lot of men the wrong way. Everyone loves having their date paid for, but expecting it is just wrong. It reeks of entitlement and a lack of appreciation. Most men have no problem paying for a date -- but when women expect it and have no appreciation it strikes a nerve.

 

As far as earning points, women that offer to pay, even if just for the tip, earn major points from me. I will reject it most of the time, but just knowing that the woman appreciates it and doesn't take it for granted makes me feel good.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm betting on 12 pages, if the mods have gone to bed already.

 

Just added some fuel to that flame.

[Els]

Just added some fuel to that flame.

 

Any more and the damn thing will just explode instead of merely burning.

[Miss_raptor]

I'd prefer to pay for myself for a casual first meet like that. If I were asked to dinner or a more "date like" thing, I'd bring my wallet (leaving it in the car is bad form), and offer to pay half. And I'd be happy to.

 

My date and I switch off who pays every time we go out. Neither of us are making a whole lot of money and it is nice to be treated.

 

Generally, whoever asks should expect to pay. Male OR female.

[Bigcitydreamer]

See you can chose to see it as "entitled" but I disagree. I'm not suggesting he pay for everything from here on out but in the inital first few date phase absolutely. Have you ever not paid for first date with a girl you liked and wanted to keep dating? I've personally never experienced that.

 

On a side note, leaving your wallet in the car is a bit presumptuous. I would always bring my money and offer to pay but never have I ever been expected to do that. It's just the way it is and if you don't follow these social norms then you look clueless. It's not about the money it's about the gesture.

[SugarLips72]

Poop, I cannot believe I actually "liked" your follow up post to me. Damn.

[Simon Phoenix]

See you can chose to see it as "entitled" but I disagree. I'm not suggesting he pay for everything from here on out but in the inital first few date phase absolutely. Have you ever not paid for first date with a girl you liked and wanted to keep dating? I've personally never experienced that.

 

On a side note, leaving your wallet in the car is a bit presumptuous. I would always bring my money and offer to pay but never have I ever been expected to do that. It's just the way it is and if you don't follow these social norms then you look clueless. It's not about the money it's about the gesture.

 

Actually yes, my ex who insisted on paying, not only for herself, but for me as well. I would always pay my half anyway. It definitely is entitlement if you expect it. If you expect it, then you aren't grateful and you are looking for a free ride. That annoys a lot of guys. We're cool with paying, but people turning their nose up and not appreciating it is wrong. If you just offered, we'd almost certainly reject that offer, but the fact that you made the offer shows that you actually appreciate the gesture we are making.

[Sanman]

 

On a side note, leaving your wallet in the car is a bit presumptuous. I would always bring my money and offer to pay but never have I ever been expected to do that. It's just the way it is and if you don't follow these social norms then you look clueless. It's not about the money it's about the gesture.

 

If you are going to follow social norms, then why go on a date? They are hardly a social norm anymore.

[SugarLips72]

If a guy asks me out in the beginning stage, I expect for him to pay for the first couple dates. I do eventually offer to chip in or at least tip. I do not expect a guy to pay 100% all the time but the first few times, yes.

 

I went out with this guy 5 or 6 times and our last dinner I had a groupon to a sushi place so we tried out this new sushi gig. He did make more than me by quite a bit and I'm a single mom to 2 kids, he had no kids. You better believe I am not going to go around paying for dates all the time with kids to support. That is how I feel especially if I know a guy makes a very decent living and does not have a brood to support.