acarls20 Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 (edited) Moderator note: This particular thread and post was chosen as an appropriate starting point for the master thread on etiquette regarding paying for dates. Historical and current discussion will be merged as appropriate and found. If the topic of 'who pays for dates' is what you wish to discuss, this thread is the place to do it. Thanks. I've recently started dating someone. From the beginning he has not offered to pay for a single date. We are on our fifth date at this point and it makes me feel like he's not taking this seriously. We do chat all the time and he does make effort in calling me first. When we are alone he's very affectionate and passionate. He is from a different background than me. I don't know if it makes a difference. He is Jewish and I'm not. We both know that our parents would hate the fact that we are dating. Would that make a difference? He's already told me that he does not plan on dating other people at the same time. However this makes me doubt him. (I know so old fashioned) Any advice would be appreciated. Edited June 14, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add note 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PhillySpecial Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 So you're saying you've been on five dates with this guy and you've paid for all of them? How does that even happen? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 Are you saying he splits the tab or that you pay the bill entirely? If you're just splitting the tab, and you're getting everything you'd want out of the relationship as far as attention, initiative, and affection - what is the problem? Would you be happier if he just handed you $100 at the end of the night? Cause you know what that sounds like right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lakeside_runner Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 Wow! What's with the epidemic of guys who don't pay for dates? I've seen several posts on this topic recently... Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 Wow! What's with the epidemic of guys who don't pay for dates? I've seen several posts on this topic recently... They're wising up maybe? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
marsle85 Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 There are women who would prefer to pay for dates/go dutch... there aren't many. And just as a LOT of women understand and wouldn't MIND going dutch- most of these women are so insecure with themselves that letting someone treat them nicely is out of the question, and they feel like they owe this guy something. You're allowed to enjoy generosity. Just don't abuse it. I will never go dutch on the first few dates. Never. NEVER! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lakeside_runner Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 They're wising up maybe? Oh come on... It's supposed to be that a guy pays for a couple of first dates and then comes a point when she offers to treat him and then there comes a point where it pretty much evens up, right? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Bartender Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 I've recently started dating someone. From the beginning he has not offered to pay for a single date. We are on our fifth date at this point and it makes me feel like he's not taking this seriously. I think we had a "Red Flag" topic just yesterday, this will eventually find it's way on that thread:p Link to post Share on other sites
bananalaffytaffy Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 I will never go dutch on the first few dates. Never. NEVER!Me neither. I'm starting to wonder if chivalry died when FWB became acceptable. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Rorschach Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 Me neither. I'm starting to wonder if chivalry died when FWB became acceptable. *obligatory chivalrous guy shows up to defend truth, justice, and romantic men everywhere* it didn't die it's just extremely rare! Link to post Share on other sites
Lakeside_runner Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 I don't think this is how it usually works. In a nearly two-year relationship, I don't recall a single time where my ex treated me to anything. That'd be a 'red flag' for me... Link to post Share on other sites
Pfiend101 Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 (edited) I didn't let my ex pay for one date. She bought a 2 dollar ice cream for me once oh and a bag of m and m's. She asked once if I was going to ever let her pay. I told her no but she should always ask. Edited April 15, 2010 by Pfiend101 5 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted April 15, 2010 Share Posted April 15, 2010 If you ask a girl out you should pay for everything, I think that is ovious Link to post Share on other sites
homersheineken Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 Me neither. I'm starting to wonder if chivalry died when FWB became acceptable. That "type" of chivalry died when women wanted to earn their own way - as it should be. There are plenty of ways to show chivalry and it's pretty shallow and disingenuous to expect that kind while also wanting the ability to make your own money. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nothappyjan Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 But it also depends on who asked who out, often its the guy so he should pay and i find the guy generally plans the location of the first date too. I mean is it going to kill a guy to pay once. If you dont have much money plan a cheap date. Sometimes an icecream and a walk in the park is perfect! max cost is probably $6 Also having to organise money is just a mood killer, it should just be one smooth transaction when ur still getting to know each other 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rorschach Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 But it also depends on who asked who out, often its the guy so he should pay and i find the guy generally plans the location of the first date too. I mean is it going to kill a guy to pay once. If you dont have much money plan a cheap date. Sometimes an icecream and a walk in the park is perfect! max cost is probably $6 Also having to organise money is just a mood killer, it should just be one smooth transaction when ur still getting to know each other I agree with this, nobody says the dates have to all be expensive, I live in a beautiful state where you can do alot of fun things for completely free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Twenty-ten Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 OP you have accepted that he won't pay right from date one, he will never ever take the initiative to pay because you accepted his first date as standard. This sent him the signal you are cool with that so why would he suddenly take the initiative now!?!? You are obviously not cool with it so why would you accept it and now decide it's not good enough? Guys should just pay on the first few dates, if they want to make their women happy. Yeah sure there are some women that want to go dutch and all that none sense but the majority of women want to be seduced. Paying for a date is part of the seduction. OP beyond the fact that he is never going to pay, I am more worried about the fact that he is Jewish and you are not. You guys sound young, and to be honest with you, if you are not Jewish I doubt that you will have a long term future with this man. I can almost guarantee that for the right woman though, the type of woman he will want to settle down with, that he will be pulling out all the stops. He may be passionate and affectionate, but sex is not commitment so please don't confuse the two. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
homersheineken Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 OP you have accepted that he won't pay right from date one, he will never ever take the initiative to pay because you accepted his first date as standard. This sent him the signal you are cool with that so why would he suddenly take the initiative now!?!? You are obviously not cool with it so why would you accept it and now decide it's not good enough? Guys should just pay on the first few dates, if they want to make their women happy. Yeah sure there are some women that want to go dutch and all that none sense but the majority of women want to be seduced. Paying for a date is part of the seduction. OP beyond the fact that he is never going to pay, I am more worried about the fact that he is Jewish and you are not. You guys sound young, and to be honest with you, if you are not Jewish I doubt that you will have a long term future with this man. I can almost guarantee that for the right woman though, the type of woman he will want to settle down with, that he will be pulling out all the stops. He may be passionate and affectionate, but sex is not commitment so please don't confuse the two. Buying a person is a part of seduction? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Don'tWannabeAWannabe Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 Wow! What's with the epidemic of guys who don't pay for dates? I've seen several posts on this topic recently... I have a rule; no paying for dates until we're solidly together. Think about it; how often does a first date GUARANTEE a relationship (serious or casual)? Lot's of first dates don't lead to second ones, and even second dates are sometimes the last with a particular person, so it's pretty much a pointless gamble to pay 100% early on. Link to post Share on other sites
nothappyjan Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 I have a rule; no paying for dates until we're solidly together. Think about it; how often does a first date GUARANTEE a relationship (serious or casual)? Lot's of first dates don't lead to second ones, and even second dates are sometimes the last with a particular person, so it's pretty much a pointless gamble to pay 100% early on. it may not guarantee a relationship but from the posts on this board it probably wont guarantee you a second date either so a bit of a catch 22:cool: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Twenty-ten Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 Excuse me but if a man pays for a date he ain't buying sht, he is simply paying for the date. Nor do I EVER feel indebted for the extended courtesy. It is a nice gesture that says a lot about a guy, just like nickle and dimeing on a first date says a lot about a guy. To me, nickle and dimeing says I don't want to see him again. Ever. So yes it is a part of seduction. And no it is not rare that a guy offers to pay for a first date, not at all in my experience. Overwhelmingly men have offered to pay on a first date, not the other way around and I was out in the dating world up until not that long ago. The only time I will go dutch is if I am not interested in having a second date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
homersheineken Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 I have a rule; no paying for dates until we're solidly together. Think about it; how often does a first date GUARANTEE a relationship (serious or casual)? Lot's of first dates don't lead to second ones, and even second dates are sometimes the last with a particular person, so it's pretty much a pointless gamble to pay 100% early on. Exactly. And that doesn't even include the possibility that she is just using you for a free meal/date/etc... I'd rather save that money and spend it on the person after I know them, their intentions, their interest in me and if they want to see me. Link to post Share on other sites
Twenty-ten Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 And that doesn't even include the possibility that she is just using you for a free meal/date/etc... Most women can get a way better meal all on their own. And they do. If you feel used for a meal on a date then you are going out with women who are not really all that interested in you. If a girl is interested in you, paying will only heighten her level of interest. Unfortunately it doesn't work the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
homersheineken Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 Excuse me but if a man pays for a date he ain't buying sht, he is simply paying for the date. Nor do I EVER feel indebted for the extended courtesy. It is a nice gesture that says a lot about a guy, just like nickle and dimeing on a first date says a lot about a guy. To me, nickle and dimeing says I don't want to see him again. Ever. So yes it is a part of seduction. And no it is not rare that a guy offers to pay for a first date, not at all in my experience. Overwhelmingly men have offered to pay on a first date, not the other way around and I was out in the dating world up until not that long ago. The only time I will go dutch is if I am not interested in having a second date. He is buying her. If she doesn't want to be a commodity, she can pay her own way. That's the only way you'll like someone, is if they buy you something? It says a lot about you. That your affection is only for sale, not to be given away. There's an initial sticker price attached to you... Your feeling of (non)indebtedness is irrelevant and only speaks of you. There are plenty of women who will use it as a means to pay for their lifestyle without any intention of ever seeing him again. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 16, 2010 Share Posted April 16, 2010 OP, if you're paying for the dates, this guy is simply cheap. Perhaps showing my age a bit, but, when I was young, there was a disingenuous name for this type of person. If you're splitting the costs of dating, then look to other signals of romantic intent, like the ones you mentioned, and decide if you value and are attracted to the overall person he is. If his paying for dates is important to you, own that. If that causes you to discontinue dating him, OK. Like with his religion, compatibility is important in other aspects of a relationship. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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