Affair Fog, or ?

[Character Floss]

PinkintheLimo said this on another thread:

 

Bonsai, the problem is the following. If someone has wanted something very much for a long time and never got it, there comes a point when you no longer want it. I am afraid that this is what your husband feels. The longing has been replaced by resentment. He probably showed himself vulnerable to you and you rejected him. After a while, he has closed himself off of you when it comes to physical intimacy. I fear that it will be difficult to repair your marriage.

 

I have posted the long story before but suffice it to say, my wife is a quality woman, intelligent, attractive and hard-working, and there was an extreme disconnect for a period of three to four years during our seven years of marriage, during which I came not to "expect" anything or much from her.

 

I then had an affair with a friend, and yes, it is the "only one" I have had. I had asked for MT for some time. The friend and I kept breaking the A off, because we knew it was wrong. Finally BW asked for MT, knowing something was up. We separated Feb 11 when I told her of the affair. I spent a few days with the AP, realized it was wrong and ended it. We picked up again about a month later and I asked for a divorce/told BW I wanted one, but I was overwhelmed with the sense that this was wrong on my part. So it's been close to three months NC with AP.

 

Since Feb 11 my wife and I have not had sex (good thing). She came onto me the other day and yes, I got turned on, but I think any attractive woman would have turned me on. I have not had sex with anyone else, nor has she. She eventually kissed me and sensed I did not want her kissing me, that I had already told her I did not want this (I did) but did not walk out of her house, etc. So it was OK, I just did not want her kissing me.

 

We spend time together with two to three hours MT most Friday nights as well. This week we spent time Tuesday (Deadliest Catch), Wednesday (forget why) and Thursday (The Hunger Games, with 19 y/o son/stepson). We ate together before MT and drove together.

 

She actively loves me, feels the love, longs for me. I almost said that I love her tonight, but am being very careful. I would say I do as I want to meet her needs, hold her when she is hurting, listen to her, etc., but I don't particularly enjoy being around her, look forward to it, miss her when we're not together, any of that. I see she is in many ways a "great catch" and honestly feel, however, I'd be happy seeing or setting her up with another man. This was the chapter in, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" that asked this question:

 

Is there anything in your life or relationship that your partner brings to you that is specific to him/her, and not something that would be brought by almost any partner?

 

It's the question, "Is she special, or special to YOU?"

 

So here we are, in MT since December, separated more than four months and I'm quite comfortable with the separation, relationally, even though I still have my plate full and tomorrow will be tilling a small garden for her and running wires in her house for home theater. She is not comfortable; she misses me.

 

The simple question: Is this still just Affair Fog? My AP and I never thought the affair was OK or right. We worked and tried not to have sex, etc. We never thought my wife was bad or horrible, but I did think she and I are so radically different, culturally, that I felt constrained in a box that was not mine.

 

I did not think my AP was perfect, etc., that nobody understood me as she did, etc. I did feel that she accepted all of me more readily than my BW did, and my BW has even said, "I picked and chose what parts of you to accept and which parts not to accept." I am more blunt, given to the use of "damn" and "hell" and "pissed off" than she or her family would be; I don't use such words around her family, ever. BW has tried to tell me that pissed off is a full-blown cuss word here in the mid-south. Maybe it is.

 

So...any others of you going through anything remotely like this, or been there/done that? Any encouraging tales of having come to the point where what the other partner supplies or does not supply no longer matters...but later getting that back? How long will the fog last? I guess I am looking for some success stories, as I feel like this is hopeless...theoretically we could be friends, but that's all there is from me to her, no attraction as lover, etc.

 

Any success stories?

[Character Floss]

At MT Friday night my wife broke down and cried. I held her...odd, intimate moment in front of someone else.

 

As I spoke to her I caught myself...and did not say...something to the effect of, "and this hurts more because you know I (me) love you."

 

Over the weekend I tilled about 100 square feet of clay/rock and prepared it with additives because she wanted to put in green beans. I caught myself calling her "babe" or "hon" a time or two. She noticed but pretended she did not.

 

Sunday as she went to a family graduation I came over to her house to tile around the shower. I bent to kiss her good-bye without thinking about it.

 

She's done the same.

 

Today she was crying on the phone, how she does not want to hurt me, etc., and how she misses me...and I found myself weeping...wishing I could head to her office and hold her, even thinking of sending flowers.

 

We've spoken about these events (has happened for both of us, but just now for me). Neither one of us wants to get back together due to habit/routine. I am afraid this may be habit on my part...heck, we spent almost every evening together last week...and am scared of that.

 

Or...are these signs of the Fog lifting, even though I don't have any sense of missing my wife...but yes, do think of/miss the AP?

 

Any success stories? Anyone who was in the Fog and now isn't?

 

Or...those who thought it was the Fog, reunited and now regret t?