Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 I am age 22, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin, haven't even kissed a girl. I gotta say, it's REALLY wearing on me. It's not that I lack confidence speaking to girls, I do however lack confidence in asking a girl out. The thing is, I don't know if I'm attractive or not either. Now I've been told by a couple girls I was, but they're basically friends. So I don't know if I could trust it. As well, I have been just absolutely in love with this one girl who has been my friend for about 6 years. For about 3 years though, she's constantly on my mind. I see her every weekend but I can't say anything to her, because I don't like the possible consequences of what may happen if I say something. She's also currently in a relationship with another guy, but I've only seen him once and he never hangs around when we're all having fun. I think she likes me too, but it's REALLY hard to tell how much. But no other girl seems good enough in comparison (as of yet). However, I'm also really good at not showing how much I actually like her, so I don't act weird (sometimes I slip, but not bad). In public and at parties etc. I don't show myself as a person with a lack of confidence, I attempt to hide that with over confidence. Sometimes jokingly. So that shouldn't be a problem, I'm at a point now where my REAL confidence is slipping, I feel bitter a lot and sometimes angry at myself. I've committed myself to a workout routine to attempt to have a better body in hopes that would give me more confidence. It's still tough though. I feel like I'm missing out on all of the fun young relationships I could be having. I imagine I could probably have a relationship by the time I'm 30. But seriously, to all of you on here, that IS called missing out right? You can't turn back time and try again. This is what I think about and it would make anyone bitter. I wish I could hang around more people like me, because all of my friends have girlfriends/boyfriends and have already had relationships in the past. When I see them together, it's like my heart just drops. (Excuse the cornyness, but that's how it actually feels). Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 I am age 22, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin, haven't even kissed a girl. I gotta say, it's REALLY wearing on me. I made it to 25 without these things... It's not that I lack confidence speaking to girls, I do however lack confidence in asking a girl out. Why is this? What do you see is the difference between the two? As well, I have been just absolutely in love with this one girl who has been my friend for about 6 years. For about 3 years though, she's constantly on my mind. I see her every weekend but I can't say anything to her, because I don't like the possible consequences of what may happen if I say something. She's also currently in a relationship with another guy, but I've only seen him once and he never hangs around when we're all having fun. I think she likes me too, but it's REALLY hard to tell how much. But no other girl seems good enough in comparison (as of yet). However, I'm also really good at not showing how much I actually like her, so I don't act weird (sometimes I slip, but not bad). Come on....really...? You can't turn back time and try again. No, you can't. You can just pull your head out of your ass and make it happen now. I wish I could hang around more people like me...QUOTE] You have to go out and find them. Take advantage of social networking. Just because a friend(s) is in a relationship doesn't mean they are dead. Third/fifth/seventh/etc. wheel it and meet some new people. Become friends with them. Then meet their friends. Lather, rinse, repeat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 The thing is with the other guy is she's never around him and seems more interested in me. When I strike out with another girl she always tries to say, "Oh well, I like these things etc." I think she means, I don't need someone else as long as she's my friend. It's not like I'd be stealing her away, she's had some superficial relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 Btw, she's only been with the guy for like a week and she has become more, intimate? Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 The thing is with the other guy is she's never around him and seems more interested in me. When I strike out with another girl she always tries to say, "Oh well, I like these things etc." I think she means, I don't need someone else as long as she's my friend. The fact that you dodged the critical question I posed and went straight to this nonsense is quite telling...stop using her as a crutch and start tackling the real issue at hand: why do you have trouble asking a girl out when you don't have any difficulties talking with them? It's not like I'd be stealing her away, she's had some superficial relationships. This is not for you to judge. And even so, why isn't she with you then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 To answer your question, I can't ask a girl out. Not because of fear of rejection, but out of fear of acceptance. I'm afraid I won't be interesting enough to keep a relationship. This is not for you to judge. And even so, why isn't she with you then? Even though I KNOW she has come on to me at points, even almost obviously. I find myself second guessing myself to the point that my head hurts. Then I think of if she did respond positively and I refer to the above. I know it's stupid, but It's very difficult for me to break out of that mentality. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 To answer your question, I can't ask a girl out. Not because of fear of rejection, but out of fear of acceptance. I'm afraid I won't be interesting enough to keep a relationship. You're definitely putting the cart before the horse here, brother...and as we say during operational planning, "You don't know what you don't know." How the heck do you know you won't be interesting enough to keep a relationship? Oh yea, don't forget, you've never been in a relationship... Even though I KNOW she has come on to me at points, even almost obviously. I find myself second guessing myself to the point that my head hurts. Then I think of if she did respond positively and I refer to the above. You'll probably get tired of me asking why, but why to the bolded above? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 You asked why she wasn't with me, it's because I find it hard to respond to any of the advances she has made based on I'm moronically trying to forsee the future. As well, I over evaluate the situation trying to understand if she's actually serious or just being really friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 ...I over evaluate the situation trying to understand if she's actually serious or just being really friendly. Although there's a slight complication due to your long friendship, the "evaluation" of a general situation is quite simple and it should revolve around what you want. Let's take a look with the above situation. You: You want to date her. Her #1: She is actually serious. What you do: You ask her out. Her #2: She is just being really friendly. What you do: You ask her out. Notice the "what you do" is based solely on "You." Why should whether she's serious or just being friendly have any effect on what you do...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 Well, here's the thing. Now I don't want you to evaluate THIS too much. This does reflect her maturity level and doesn't make me like her less. This is only one thing. Shes had a few stories of guys who have asked her out, she made fun of them and how they did it. As well, a friend she has had for longer than me just kissed her out of the blue, they didn't talk for a week. I imagine maybe something similar happened there. So, I'm thinking if it doesn't work out I could lose it all. That is the main issue I tackle with. For her, I could get past the "Foreseeing the future crap" I got over that with her a little while back. Even though above I said different, just give me that. But her telling everyone like that is a risk I don't want to take, even though I'm not sure if she would do that to me. The foreseeing the future stuff I use with girls I don't know much about. I think what if we have nothing in common? But as you said, you don't know if you don't try. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 But her telling everyone like that is a risk I don't want to take... It seems pretty cut and dry here...which do you value more? Generally speaking in regard to friends turned relationship, you have to be 100% prepared to permanently lose someone as a friend before you should ask them out...but that's just me... That being said, what do you value more from her? Can you deal with losing her as a friend? Again, I honestly feel like you're using her as a crutch and hiding from the real issue you have with women...you say that "no one compares to her"...of course not, because you don't know anyone as well as her...so there isn't even anything to compare...it's not even like comparing apples to oranges...it's like comparing apples to nothing...because you won't give yourself the opportunity to get to know any other women... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 It seems pretty cut and dry here...which do you value more? Generally speaking in regard to friends turned relationship, you have to be 100% prepared to permanently lose someone as a friend before you should ask them out...but that's just me... That being said, what do you value more from her? Can you deal with losing her as a friend? Again, I honestly feel like you're using her as a crutch and hiding from the real issue you have with women...you say that "no one compares to her"...of course not, because you don't know anyone as well as her...so there isn't even anything to compare...it's not even like comparing apples to oranges...it's like comparing apples to nothing...because you won't give yourself the opportunity to get to know any other women... That's pretty much it right there. However the other girls in my town that I see which is about a dozen (not many) are all party all the timers and I'm not like that. The girls who have actually come on to me, I wasn't attracted to. I feel my only other option is to meet girls at a bar, which I don't want to do. Because you can't expect much from meeting a club girl or a bar girl. I don't know any places to meet random normal girls who I feel I can actually make a conversation with. I'll take your "don't know if you don't try to heart". I think my friendship is more important. I'm just going to have to move on I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyabstrused Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 She is your friend of 6 years. I would say that friendship is precious. She has a boyfriend and even though they are a certain way, she has a boyfriend. You don't want to go there. Even if she would be more interested in you, she'd hurt the guy because of you. And then it will all be very complicated. It's a no-no, when she's already in a relationship. You shouldn't even consider it. :\ Keep your friendship special and deep with her. Find someone else. Believe in yourself. As what people always tell me, you've got to take chances when it's there. Life's too short. When you see a girl (who is single) that you like next time? Go for it. And good luck. If it doesn't work? Then learn something from it, improve yourself (if applicable) to be more attractive and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 I agree, about her already being in a relationship. :/ It sucks but I'll deal with it. I need just need to start being more up front with girls when I'm attracted to them and I'll keep it out of my current friends social network. Just need t get out there more, thanks guys. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted May 19, 2012 Share Posted May 19, 2012 Tell her you want to get some dating experience so women don't make fun of you the way she's made fun of other men. Ask her if she could fix you up with a girl so you could practice and would she also please give you dating advice, since you value her opinion. If she asks what sort of woman you are attracted to, say "Someone like you." She will be flattered and if she really likes you as more than a friend, might respond favorable. You should go out on practice dates with women you don't find attractive because you are not likely to be nervous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Share Posted May 19, 2012 Tell her you want to get some dating experience so women don't make fun of you the way she's made fun of other men. Ask her if she could fix you up with a girl so you could practice and would she also please give you dating advice, since you value her opinion. If she asks what sort of woman you are attracted to, say "Someone like you." She will be flattered and if she really likes you as more than a friend, might respond favorable. You should go out on practice dates with women you don't find attractive because you are not likely to be nervous. Lol, I HAVE thought of that, but I was worried she would take that too directly. I totally wouldn't be nervous to go out with her, I'd be extremely comfortable with that. It's just the first step for me. And I don't want to date girls I don't find attractive because I think that would be cruel to use someone like that. (no offense) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 Again she has a new boyfriend, like I said... Superficial. But as of now I give up on her. Too bad my options are so few. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 Im glad I have this thread, I can refer back to it and use it as a tool to keep my mind off of her. I feel like I can go out now and ask other girls out. Link to post Share on other sites
NateC Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 Im glad I have this thread, I can refer back to it and use it as a tool to keep my mind off of her. I feel like I can go out now and ask other girls out. I'm glad this thread's here too...I'm in the same boat (I turn 22 next month) and advice like this is always helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 20, 2012 Author Share Posted May 20, 2012 Not gonna lie though. I feel fairly foolish with my original dilemma. But im glad I learned from it. Link to post Share on other sites
ScreamingTrees Posted May 20, 2012 Share Posted May 20, 2012 I agree, about her already being in a relationship. :/ It sucks but I'll deal with it. I need just need to start being more up front with girls when I'm attracted to them and I'll keep it out of my current friends social network. Just need t get out there more, thanks guys. Even if she went with you.. That just shows you that she could just as easily leave you. Forget about it. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
WordvAction Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 She is your friend of 6 years. I would say that friendship is precious. She has a boyfriend and even though they are a certain way, she has a boyfriend. You don't want to go there. Even if she would be more interested in you, she'd hurt the guy because of you. And then it will all be very complicated. It's a no-no, when she's already in a relationship. You shouldn't even consider it. :\ Keep your friendship special and deep with her. Find someone else. Believe in yourself. As what people always tell me, you've got to take chances when it's there. Life's too short. When you see a girl (who is single) that you like next time? Go for it. And good luck. If it doesn't work? Then learn something from it, improve yourself (if applicable) to be more attractive and move on. Awesome advice in abstract form, almost impossible imho to apply to real life. As he said, he's "absolutely in love" with someone he's known for 6 years. You need to take some time away from her if you want to get over her; until you do, you're always going to compare girls to her and you will have trouble getting into a relationship you can fully commit to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Stonehands72 Posted May 25, 2012 Author Share Posted May 25, 2012 Actually as of about a week ago, I have ACTUALLY gotten over her. I don't know why. I went and visited her on the weekend like always and then it was just "Why do I like you?" I couldn't remember anymore. She wasn't any different, I don't get it but I feel 'free', would be the cliche way of putting it. But it's really nice not to be obsessively thinking about it anymore. Still single though, but that's one out of the two things solved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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