Husband Loves Porn

[Jess]

A few months ago, I discovered that my husband often viewed pornography on the internet for several hours a few nights a week. Though I understand that there is nothing really wrong with viewing pornography, I remain disturbed by the fact that he seems practically obsessed with very young women. I don't know what to think. How much is too much? After the fourth month of my pregnancy with our first child- she is 12 weeks now- we hardly ever had sex, and this has continued until the present. I know my body is not what it once was, but I don't think I'm repulsive, though he seems to (I still am 10 pounds heavier than I used to be and I have stretch marks). Is it possible that he has decided that pornography is a substitue for sex? I have spoken to him about how it makes me feel-unattractive to him, concerned about frequency of use- but he thinks there's nothing wrong with it. What should I do? I'm 13 years younger than he, but he makes me feel like I am too old and too unattractive to look at anymore. I am so hurt and feel pretty lonely, as he uses his time after work to surf the net. Please help.

[Tony T]

What he is doing is cruel, insensitive, unfair to his marriage, and totally out of line. There is just no way you can stay in love with someone who makes you feel like you are too old and too unattractive to love anymore.

 

RED ALERT!!! Get into counselling immediately. There are several problems here. First, if there was no such thing as Internet porn or girly magazines, you would still have a serious problem. There are many men who lose their interest in sex after a child is born. Some women too. Elvis Presley never again had sex with his wife, Priscilla, after their only child, Lisa Marie, was born. As you know, Elvis was pretty screwed up in the head and wouldn't get help. (Please forgive me for calling the King screwed up)

 

These men tend to find it odd or onjectionable to have sex with the woman who bore them a child. It is strictly a psychological thing and I really don't think a lot of people have control over it. It is something that must be helped with outside therapeutic intervention.

 

The Internet sex thing is a whole other story. For him to spend so much time looking at naked women and worse on the Internet in or near your presence is rude, repulsive and should not be tolerated. This is an addiction he has developed. There are organizations that assist with the treatment of both Internet and Internet pornography addiction. You can find them in the links section of this website, under addiction and recovery. Scroll through the other sections for additional sites that may help.

 

This is a problem you cannot overlook any longer. You have a new baby and a long life to live. I really do think this can get much better over a period of time. First, you are going to have to do your part to get your body back into shape...and he is going to have to do his part to get his mind out of the gutter. Hopefully, the two of you will meet halfway and make mad, passionate love.

 

Let me also tell you that men who lost their mother or some other mother figure or female loved one when they were young tend to become obsessed with younger women all their lives. Their emotions tend to freeze at an approximate age of the traumatic loss. You are 13 years younger than him yourself. If I am correct, when you are the age of the person whose loss he is still not over with, there will be even more issues to deal with. Please check into this.

[Nicky]

A few months ago, I discovered that my husband often viewed pornography on the internet for several hours a few nights a week. Though I understand that there is nothing really wrong with viewing pornography, I remain disturbed by the fact that he seems practically obsessed with very young women. I don't know what to think. How much is too much? After the fourth month of my pregnancy with our first child- she is 12 weeks now- we hardly ever had sex, and this has continued until the present. I know my body is not what it once was, but I don't think I'm repulsive, though he seems to (I still am 10 pounds heavier than I used to be and I have stretch marks). Is it possible that he has decided that pornography is a substitue for sex? I have spoken to him about how it makes me feel-unattractive to him, concerned about frequency of use- but he thinks there's nothing wrong with it. What should I do? I'm 13 years younger than he, but he makes me feel like I am too old and too unattractive to look at anymore. I am so hurt and feel pretty lonely, as he uses his time after work to surf the net. Please help.

Hi there,

 

I think we have to accept general differences between how men and womens sexuality work.Men tend to be more turned on by visual things than women. Also, while he may admire the physiques of these women, he certainly isn't falling in love with them. And I guess that is why guys may find it difficult to understand how we find it offensive. We assume they are drawing comparison, when in fact that probably isn't the case.

 

Obviously too, we all have our sexual needs. If he isn't "getting any", then he'll naturally need some form of release.

 

BUT, what isn't clear is whether you are interested in resuming lovemaking or not. We can understand how he may need some form of release, but it does sound as though it's rather OTT, and especially hurtful if you ARE interested in making love, but he'd prefer to see porn.

 

Also, you often hear, how some guys find it hard to come to terms with their wife now being a mother.

 

I think you need a much more honest conversation to try and get to the bottom of this. You may have to start you sex life again slowly i.e. massages & caressing only to begin with. But I think he should at least agree to reduce the amount of time he spends on the net, otherwise it could be an easy habit to fall into. Does he get involved much with the baby?

[Deejette]

I would not tolerate this addiction. It is hurtful to you and it will not be good when the kids get older and they see Dad drooling over internet babes. But if you come down too hard on him, he will sneak around and do it anyway.

 

Maybe if you joined him and used it as a prelude to sex the way some couples use magazines to give them ideas, it might help. But frankly, I would be pretty angry and wonder, where did the love go? Because when a person loves another person, they are careful about actions that hurt the one they love.

 

Some men use masturbatory aids (such as dirty pictures) so much, they don't have anything left for the real sex act with their partners.

Hi there, I think we have to accept general differences between how men and womens sexuality work.Men tend to be more turned on by visual things than women. Also, while he may admire the physiques of these women, he certainly isn't falling in love with them. And I guess that is why guys may find it difficult to understand how we find it offensive. We assume they are drawing comparison, when in fact that probably isn't the case. Obviously too, we all have our sexual needs. If he isn't "getting any", then he'll naturally need some form of release. BUT, what isn't clear is whether you are interested in resuming lovemaking or not. We can understand how he may need some form of release, but it does sound as though it's rather OTT, and especially hurtful if you ARE interested in making love, but he'd prefer to see porn. Also, you often hear, how some guys find it hard to come to terms with their wife now being a mother. I think you need a much more honest conversation to try and get to the bottom of this. You may have to start you sex life again slowly i.e. massages & caressing only to begin with. But I think he should at least agree to reduce the amount of time he spends on the net, otherwise it could be an easy habit to fall into. Does he get involved much with the baby?