to marry after all of this or not? the short version

[emmytrip]

my fiance and i have been together for 15 months now, we got engaged roughly about 2 months after we met. he asked me the night afte i had hung out with my ex. i know he had a lot of insecurities about my ex but there was nothing between us anymore than a friend to talk to that knows you better than most.

 

anyways, he asked me and i said yes b/c i didn't want to lose him, then a few months late he wanted me to move in with him so i did but then i started having bad feelings about it like it just wasn't the right thing to do, so i went back to my mom's house while he was gone one day and i left a note explaining it. then when he got that he went hystarical and i was scarred for him and felt guilty for doing it so i went back over to his house. then a week later i had to go with my mom to my sister's in VA, so on that trip i did some thinking and decided i wasn't ready to move in yet. so when i got back, i told him. when we met i was 17 and he was 28, i pretty much was happy about him asking me to marry him but i didn't think it was the right time even if we were engaged.

 

so he gave me the ultimatume of either he come and get me right now or he was going to kill himself. i called his bluff and told him i couldn't be with someone that would put me thru that emotionaly. the next day he called me and called me, i had to go to his house to get some stuff and there we decided to try to make it work but i would stay at my mom's. i really love him and he really loves me.

 

he went to truck driving school like five hours away in febuary and i started working to try and make some money. i was still living with my mom but at that point i had started having second thoughts about us. i knew i still loved him but i wasn't sure. so i went to work at a resturaunt, and the guy that trained me was really sweet. we started talking and hanging out and stuff. he had a daughter and we would all go do stuff together. i had by that point decided it was over with my fiance but wanted to do it in person, but i made the mistake of sleeping with this new guy before i went up to break up with my fiance.

 

so when i went up there i tried to tell him that i just wasn't ready for the major commitment of marriage. and then we came onto the baby issue, we had been last year seeing if we got pregnant. we hadn't so i pretty much assumed i just wasn't fertile to something but then when i went up there to see him, he said he thought i was pregnant since i was late. so i took a test at his request and sure enough i was. and i knew it was his b/c i had used protection with the other guy of course. but i was still dead set on breaking up b/c i believe a child shouldn't be the only reason to stay together.

 

then when i was in the shower he went thru my phone and read my text msgs and saw that i had told the other guy. so he wrote down all the numbers with out me knowing and then confronted me when i got out. i admitted to it and he begged me to stay with him and if i didn't he was just going to wonder off and die. but after i admitted to it he put his hands around my neck and i fell over and he had this really scarry look in his eyes. but he didn't leave any marks on my throat. we tried talking but i wouldn't budge on the breaking up issue. so my friend came and got me and i stayed with him for a week b/c i didn't feel comfortable with going home b/c my mom believed my ex and my ex was calling constantly and text msging me contantly. i got really sick of it so one day i asked the guy to listen to the msges b/c they were really stressing me out and i had already started to misscarry the baby.

 

my guy friend and i had a friend that we had partied with and such and before i came along they had been close friends for a few months. so i think that friend became jealous b/c the friday i had come back, he (little did i know) drove my ex (whom he didn't know until my ex started calling him) around doing errands and making false medical documents saying i'm scitso (however you spell it).

 

so after they did that, the found my guy friend and told him all these awful things about me and told him i was dangerous to his daughter and such. so he came by after i had gotten off work and told me all this. i couldn't believe it. i was really hurt but i was really in shock the my ex would stup to such a level. so i went home and called my ex and demaded that he tell me why he had done that. at first he refused to tell me that he had. told me he had been with his friends all day. i was a total emotional mess, i was misscarring and had a hard day at work and someone that i liked alot chose to believe the words of my ex over me.

 

so then my ex finally fessed up to it, came to my house and told me that i should come with him up to VA to my sister's where he would be team driving with my brother in law so we could work things out and such. needless to say, i went and here i am really confused b/c he wants me to get married but i am confused wether i should or not. i still love him but in the same breath i'm really mad at myself for handling the situation with that guy and my ex the way i did. i'm just trying to figure out if i should marry him even though what i did to him and then the levels he stupped to, to get me back.

 

plus i didn't find out till after i got up here but that week i was gone, he had been calling all my friends and family telling me all these horrible not true things about me. he says that we shouldn't break up because we have had problems, that our ability to get thru them makes us stronger in our relationship. i love the time we spend together now but sometimes the urge to run from him is pretty strong!

[quankanne]

I think when you have serious doubts ("second thoughts") about a relationship, your subconscious is telling you that you reeeeeaaaallllllyyyy don't need to be involved with this person.

 

And when he "shows his love" by "calling all my friends and family telling (them) all these horrible not true things" about you, that only proves to me that the guy is seriously unhinged.

 

Run. Fast and far, far away. And don't waffle when you tell him that you're officially broken up, done with, through with him, because every time you say one thing and do another, you're pretty much telling him you don't know what you want or what you're doing and he interprets that as "she really wants to be with me."

 

I'm sorry that you had to experience so many traumatic things in such a short period of time (breaking up, getting pregnant then miscarrying the child, putting up with your ex's scary behavior), but you still need to stand your ground when you tell him it's overwith.

[HoldOn]

I don't have much time to write, but I think you should RUN far far away from this man, stop taking his phone calls and never look back. He already tried to strangle you once and it doesn't make it any better that he "didn't leave any marks." This behavior will only escalate. Then I think you need to be by yourself for a while and realize what a good relationship is supposed to be like. You're WAY too young to be going through all this.

 

Do NOT marry him. I would get another legal document instead... a restraining order.

[emmytrip]

yeah i know thats how i feel alot of times too, but i'm just afraid that i'm never going to meet anyone else that will love me as much or that will put up with how stubborn and selfish and indisisive i can be at times.

[HoldOn]

Okay, be logical emmytrip. Does being a little "stubborn and selfish and indisisive" excuse his totally abusive behavior. If I did the math right, you are only 18 years old. (I can't believe your mother approves of this relationship.) There are millions of men in America and I bet you that 90% are better than this man. Please don't accept this behavior thinking it's the best you can get. You deserve to be treated like a queen.

 

And being alone is better than being abused.

 

His threats to kill himself are just a selffish ploy to keep you around and YOU are not responsible for his happiness. I had a boyfriend for 3 years who would say the same thing to me (about the suicide.) He made me believe all his lies. He was super controlling and I couldnt' go out with my friends, while at the same time he would stay out until 7:00 in the morning. He also used my credit cards to rack up $30,000 in debt. He was also cruising for chicks on the Internet. But I thought I could do no better. I thought that his obsessive controlling love what what a relationship should be. But it's acutually really SICK and TWISTED. After we broke up, I felt so free! Being able to make my own decisions and be truly independent and happy with myself. It was sooo much relief.

 

After being alone for 2 years I found a wonderful man who I know would never hurt me in any way. As an extra bonus, he actually has a job! and would never use my credit card.

 

Anyway, you should be thinking about your own life now and what YOU need to do to make yourself happy and this man is not it! At the very least, please don't get married.

[Debster]

You are only 17 and you have had to deal with a lot.

You are WAY too young to be thinking about marriage. Especially with a guy who uses emotional blackmail, violence and lies to get what he wants. I think you need to tell your parents or your sister what is going on in your life and hopefully they can give you the support you need to get out of this situation.

[headstrong20]

This dude is crazy - run like hell. Try doing somthing that will boost your self-esteem. Soemthing you can be proud of. When you like you better you'll be shocked that you had ever been w/ this guy. Been there, done that.

[HoldOn]

Also, get on the pill. now.

[kirkyswife]

ABSOLUTELY NOT. You are too young, He is too unstable, You have reservations, He is threatening to hurt himself where will it go next?

 

Do yourself a favor and get out while you still can. Get on the pill - protect yourself - very important that you don't get saddled down with a huge responsibility that neither of you are prepared to handle.

 

 

when we met i was 17 and he was 28

 

Not that you aren't a beautiful young woman but don't you think there is something wrong with a 28 year old man hitting on a teenager? Sweetie, he's a head case and you're falling prey to his mental manipulation because you are young and innocent and honestly he's taking advantage of that.

 

but after i admitted to it he put his hands around my neck and i fell over and he had this really scarry look in his eyes. but he didn't leave any marks on my throat. we tried talking but i wouldn't budge on the breaking up issue.

 

And you are still considering a relationship with this dude after he put his hands around your neck with the scary look in his eyes? Good Lawd - what's it going to take for you to leave him? Does he need to knock you around? Give you a couple of black eyes before you realize he's touched?

 

still love him but in the same breath i'm really mad at myself for handling the situation with that guy and my ex the way i did. i'm just trying to figure out if i should marry him even though what i did to him and then the levels he stupped to, to get me back.

 

Just one question - what do you love about this person? I mean you say this all over your message but how do you know that you love him? How do you define love? And you do know that he doesn't love you right? Because people who love one another do not behave in this manner - this is control Sweetie it has nothing to do with love. The levels he stooped to "to get you back" are forms of control - it's not and indication that he loves you. Okay - just so you are clear.

 

plus i didn't find out till after i got up here but that week i was gone, he had been calling all my friends and family telling me all these horrible not true things about me. he says that we shouldn't break up because we have had problems, that our ability to get thru them makes us stronger in our relationship. i love the time we spend together now but sometimes the urge to run from him is pretty strong!

 

Pack your things, lace up your best pair of Nikes and run for your life and don't stop running until he's so far in your rearview that you aren't sure it's him and no matter where you end up - don't tell him where you are. This relationship is emotionally, physically and mentally UNHEALTHY, UNSAFE and OUT OF CONTROL.

 

What is your mother and sister saying about this dude? Where is your support?

[HoldOn]

I also think that you (and lots of other young people) really need to educate yourself about sex and birth control.

 

and then we came onto the baby issue, we had been last year seeing if we got pregnant. we hadn't so i pretty much assumed i just wasn't fertile to something

 

Just because you don't get pregnant right away does NOT mean you are infertile. Just lucky.

 

 

 

and i knew it was his b/c i had used protection with the other guy of course.

 

Wow, this must have been some amazing new form of birth control that's 100% effective. Oh yeah, wait a sec. Actually, there is NO form of birth control that's 100% effective. Condoms aren't even close! Something like 14% of women using condoms will get pregnant in a year. So, in my opinion unless you are prepared to have a baby or give it up for adoption, you shouldn't be having sex. Sorry to lecture. But I feel strongly that people think condoms are extremely effective.

 

I hope that you leave this man and start a new, happy life!