Still trying to hold on to.....a vapor (this is long...sorry)

[TrebleClef]

I've posted my saga within the "Infidelity" forum of LS and stumbled across this "The OM/W" forum. I think this forum is better suited for me although I've gotten some very good and sound feedback/advice from LS's "infidelity" forum.

 

A brief synopsis of me and MM: We dated in college, my parents broke us up. I'm an only child. He's 5 years older than I. He's my first and only man I "know". He found me yrs later....a few wks after finding out fiance cheated. I don't blame ex-fiance as I asked him to "wait" until we were married.

 

After countless emails, calls, texts college bf and I met in person. He professed his undying love for me, told me I should be his wife/mother of his kids and told me he was divorced and living back in the city we grew up in. He wooed, persued and romanced me. We were actually dating again! I was so excited I ran and told my parents. They looked at the ground and looked at each other like they were about to cry.

 

We re-kindled then he drops several bombs in my lap. He's a minister. He has not actually divorced but is legally separated and divorc-ING! He's been married x3, has a baby's mother and 4 children. He said he married all due to pregnancies. M1-annulled, M2-divorced, M3-divorcing. He told me he and W3 co-habitate, aren't intimate and haven't for years. He said she doesn't arouse him. She doesn't love him, love on him or encourage him in his endeavors. He said he's told her that he doesn't love her and he loves me. I've never been married, no children, never been pregnant.

 

I was trying to steer clear of him but keep obliging his sudden calls/texts/visits. I havn't wanted to be intimate with him for an array of reasons. Contrary to parents' advice and the Infidelity entity of LS's advice, I've recently spoken with him. I have a lot on my mind, mostly comprised of him, and he kept asking me what the matter was. I evaded (as he does so well) and told him only about a recurring issue between my parents and me and my career endeavors.

 

He starts talking (actually ministering) to me about "what sayeth the Lord" and I started to get more and more confused. Believe it or not, I am a Christian and am still utterly shocked I've let my life spiral so far out of control.

 

I know I'm not one to talk but here's a man who's whole existence is a big fat lie, he's leading a triple life and he's "preaching" to me? He told me that I needed to confer with God, and do what I'm supposed to do in every aspect of my life. He told me to nip the issues with my parents in the bud and told me if I needed to take employment in another state, to do so. Then he said "Step back, examine yourself. It's just you, you have no worries, husband, children, etc. You asked me if I wanted a break (I asked him this weeks ago when he suddenly said he needed to get himself together and not talk to me), you need to break from me! And if that's what you need, then do that."

 

This has been a strange relationship. As I told you, he pops in/out of my life, dumping me every 2 or 3 months or so. I truly think his "break" talk is another method of dumping me. Trying to make me the dumper this time perhaps? He'd always say he doesn't want me upset with him or mad at him. He'd often say when he did dump me, I would drag him back. I've NEVER done so. It is he who'd suddenly pop up at my door with a gift of some sort stating that he loves me and misses me too much to stay away.

 

My intuition is telling me that he wants out (as he's non-verbally expressed a trillion times) and instead of just saying so or dumping me again he's trying another approach. And while the break, break up will be perfect and beneficial to us both, I'm hurt that it wouldn't bother him in the least if I moved to another state and/or asked for a break from him. He's content and living his life and my head is stuck so far up his tail that I can't even make a move without wondering what he'll say or do or how he'd feel if I did thus and so. AND/OR whatever move I make won't faze him in the least thus making these 2 years a big pile of waste.

 

I keep waiting for him to love me like he loved those other women. Marry me, love me, be in love with me. And in my psyche, I know that'll never happen, yet I continue to talk to him, answer his impromptu, sporadic texts and obliging his pop ups into my life, hoping that one day he'll truly be IN love with me...and show it.

 

I am seeing a therapist but as my insurance doesn't cover this type of care, I'm a cash patient and have to pay as I go.

 

SSL

[whichwayisup]

I've never been married, no children, never been pregnant.

 

If you want to be married, have children and have a family of your own, pursuing this MM isn't a good idea. He is messed up, and has a lot of baggage. If you truly love him and want to wait and see if he actually divorces, put a time limit on how long you're willing to wait.. Can you picture yourself still waiting for him to divorce this time next year? I certainly hope you don't wait that long..

 

Anyway, just the feeling I get, your parents aren't pleased you're back with him for a reason..They broke you two up years ago.. You don't know this man now, who he is.. But look at how he blames ALL his wives.. Red flag. There's no way 3 marriages were ALL his ex's fault.

 

Hoping and wanting isn't going to get you what you want as this is totally out of your hands. Reality is, you love this man but you don't see his faults and some are very bad.. If he was single and had these traits, I think you'd run..So don't let the fantasy of wanting him, hoping he'll choose you, fall for you cloud your judgement. Deep down you KNOW what's what. Listen to your gut.

[TrebleClef]

In my eyes yes, the relationship was extremely special. I gave him my ultimate gift....me. It's not much to the world but I deem it priceless. He could have his pick of women and (I thought) he chose me. I thought he chose to find me after all these years. I believe this is another reason why I'm clinging. It's like he took it and ran, then and now and I feel like he owes me. If that makes sense. What he owes me? I haven't the slightest.

 

Yes, the smoke is clearing. But not at my own doing and that's not only embarrassing but I feel just plain stupid for believing him. I truly thought he came back to find me because he loves me. I thought he realized he married the wrong woman/women. I thought I had buried my feelings for him well enough to marry another. I was wrong. And I thought that was another reason why ex-fiance's cheating came to the light. I thought it was fate.

 

I mean (like I've said before in the other forum), I was living my life. I was becoming content w/the fact that I just may never marry/have a child. I even got some of my deposits back from the wedding expenses. I was succeeding in my career transition, I'd just closed on my 1st home and was moving out of my parents' home....then POW!!!!! I get college bf's email.

 

Yes I believed what he told me about his current marriage. He showed me divorce papers and legal separation papers. In my state, marriages and divorces are public record. When I researched his background, etc. it read that he was divorced. He's so charming, he may have charmed someone to enter that into the system. IDK.

 

This man has ALREADY broken my heart....into a million pieces....several times

[TrebleClef]

Yes, hockeyfan, I do love him. I'm in love with him and I hate it! I wish I could be like him and have his attitude of "next". But that's not me. Never was. Never will be.

 

Others have said I need to out him as well. I'm still mulling that over. I'm so scared to do so. That'll open up a totally different can of worms/drama/mess.

[TrebleClef]

MissBee mentioned this to someone else earlier today. There is a site called baggage reclaim. It can help you see your own motivations and reasons for hanging on to this man. You already know who and what he is and that he hurts you again and again so I'm having trouble with understanding the disconnect and apparently you are too.

 

Do you think he will change? Do you think he is going to be the man you've dreamed him to be? I think you already know it doesn't work like that. As Maya Angelou says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. What he has shown you is not good.

 

I'll definitely check out the site. I'm TOTALLY disconnected! I have a long way to go. Yes I thought he'd change. Silly, I know.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read/reply guys. I really appreciate it.

[whichwayisup]

He could have his pick of women and (I thought) he chose me. I thought he chose to find me after all these years. I believe this is another reason why I'm clinging. It's like he took it and ran, then and now and I feel like he owes me. If that makes sense. What he owes me? I haven't the slightest.

 

Why didn't he go looking for you after his first marriage failed? Why so many years and 3 marriages later? Well, 2. He's still married to number 3.

 

You clinging like this is unhealthy. You're putting all your eggs in his basket and yes, you ARE special, but I don't think he knows this...And he's going to hurt you deeply. Men like him have the capability to do A LOT of harm rather than good.

 

This man has ALREADY broken my heart....into a million pieces....several times

 

Knowing this, you still want him? You're in love with the hope/fantasy of who you *want* him to be. He isn't that man.. So stop building him up in your mind to be 'the one'. Who cares if he makes your knees weak and your heart pounds when you see him. That's emotional response.. The KIND of man he is, the person he is overall and how he treats a woman is what counts. A friend, someone who will put others before himself. A man who can be trusted and faithful. He is not that guy. Never is and never will be.