Didn't Think It would Happen, But it Did.

[LovingTooMuch]

Backstory:

 

I am 30 and she is 23. I have a job that requires 55 hours a week. On top of that I am attempting to start my own business which, as you can imagine, takes some time. She works 5 days a week and has 2 kids. So her time can be very limited as well.

 

I had been dating her for over a year. Things were actually pretty good. Very good. About a week and a half ago she told me that it would be best if we split up because she was having issues with how often we were seeing one another. (Every other weekend for a few days and a couple days sprinkled in between.) She also had issues with how often we were having sex. This was not sue to my lack of intrest, rather a very early miscarriage (sp*) that scared the **** out of me. I asked that she get on birth control but to this day she still hasn't. So the sex was not as often as we both would have liked. The breakup didn't even last a day, as we were able to work it out. I also understand that she was going through a lot of stress at the time. For the next week, all is well. At least I thought. At the end of the following week she does it again. This time it stuck for a day until she showed up at my door and wanted us to try and fix anything that was an issue because she truly loved me and she knew that I am worth everything to her.

 

I love her. Very much. I bought a car for her, (the kids and she needed it.....and I love the kids as well.) Paid for the insurace and a phone. Simply because I wanted her to have it and I know she needed it. I did not nor have I ever held this over her head. Basiclly, she needed it, I couldn't see her as much as I wanted, but I wanted her to know that I will take care of her and I love her.

 

The day we got back together was fantastic. We REALLY talked about many things and saw eye to eye on the direction we wanted to go and what it would take to get there. GREAT!

 

Not really. THe very next night I get a phone call from her neighbor. (they were pretty close) He told me that she had had cheated on me twice with her boss. There was no lie in his voice, I knew it was true when he said it. I drove over to her house and confronted her. She attempted to act like she didn't know what I was talking about, but I think she saw that I really knew. So she came clean. She slept with him 2 nights in a row about a month ago. Unbelievable.

 

Now she wants to make it right and im not sure how I feel. I do believe she is upset and sorry for her actions. She told me that she felt so dirty and ashamed and was willing to do anything at all to start working on this. I've been hurt and angry. I'm not sure really what to do at this point. I'm also not sure what if anything she can do to fix this. She has already told me she is looking for another job and wants nothing to do with him or anyone else since that night. She told me that she was very lonely and very confused about where we were headed and she made some very bad decisions that she will regret forever.

 

She is a good person, I know this, even though I wish it weren't true right now. This is ongoing so I will update.....just looking for some advice or support. I love her very dearly. I can forgive. But forgetting, forgetting and trust is always the problem.

Edited May 20, 2012 by LovingTooMuch

[Darren Steez]

Don't even know where to start with this but two nights in a row? One night maybe is a mistake although that maybe stretching it because of the lead up to the sex, the planning and actual consummation but to follow through and do it again? On top of that she didn't confess, instead she concocted this stories about breaking up etc etc.

 

For me the dishonesty is the main thing, she got caught of course she wants to make it right but how can she? She already cheated and was willing to push the blame on you in her mind but making up the stories about the amount of time you were spending with her. That was her justification for cheating.

 

You may "love her" but to me you're a sucker if you take her back. She maybe scared she'll have to start paying insurance on the car and the loss of a good guy who's willing to provide for her and her kid in general.

 

Maybe this might scare her straight..but the fact is dude, she ****ed another man..TWICE. .you might forgive but I guarantee you, you will never ever forget and this will follow you for the rest of your relationship, no matter how hard you try to forgive or pretend everything is alright.

[Radu]

Backstory:

 

I am 30 and she is 23. I have a job that requires 55 hours a week. On top of that I am attempting to start my own business which, as you can imagine, takes some time. She works 5 days a week and has 2 kids. So her time can be very limited as well.

 

I had been dating her for over a year. Things were actually pretty good. Very good. About a week and a half ago she told me that it would be best if we split up because she was having issues with how often we were seeing one another. (Every other weekend for a few days and a couple days sprinkled in between.) She also had issues with how often we were having sex. This was not sue to my lack of intrest, rather a very early miscarriage (sp*) that scared the **** out of me. I asked that she get on birth control but to this day she still hasn't. So the sex was not as often as we both would have liked. The breakup didn't even last a day, as we were able to work it out. I also understand that she was going through a lot of stress at the time. For the next week, all is well. At least I thought. At the end of the following week she does it again. This time it stuck for a day until she showed up at my door and wanted us to try and fix anything that was an issue because she truly loved me and she knew that I am worth everything to her.

 

I love her. Very much. I bought a car for her, (the kids and she needed it.....and I love the kids as well.) Paid for the insurace and a phone. Simply because I wanted her to have it and I know she needed it. I did not nor have I ever held this over her head. Basiclly, she needed it, I couldn't see her as much as I wanted, but I wanted her to know that I will take care of her and I love her.

 

The day we got back together was fantastic. We REALLY talked about many things and saw eye to eye on the direction we wanted to go and what it would take to get there. GREAT!

 

Not really. THe very next night I get a phone call from her neighbor. (they were pretty close) He told me that she had had cheated on me twice with her boss. There was no lie in his voice, I knew it was true when he said it. I drove over to her house and confronted her. She attempted to act like she didn't know what I was talking about, but I think she saw that I really knew. So she came clean. She slept with him 2 nights in a row about a month ago. Unbelievable.

 

Now she wants to make it right and im not sure how I feel. I do believe she is upset and sorry for her actions. She told me that she felt so dirty and ashamed and was willing to do anything at all to start working on this. I've been hurt and angry. I'm not sure really what to do at this point. I'm also not sure what if anything she can do to fix this. She has already told me she is looking for another job and wants nothing to do with him or anyone else since that night. She told me that she was very lonely and very confused about where we were headed and she made some very bad decisions that she will regret forever.

 

She is a good person, I know this, even though I wish it weren't true right now. This is ongoing so I will update.....just looking for some advice or support. I love her very dearly. I can forgive. But forgetting, forgetting and trust is always the problem.

 

By the time she was 21 [from your post] she already had 2 kids and was dating ... BIG ****ING RED FLAG

 

The rest, you are her provider and she doesn't know what she wants.

Actually, her inner self knows what she wants, she slept with her boss. You know, the guy who probably makes good money and has a position of power over her.

 

I would have advised forgiving, but :

1 - she did it at the age mentioned above

2 - she has 2 kids ... seriously

3 - you and her have been a couple for too little to count

4 - she does it at the worst possible time of your life

5 - her neighbour told you, if not for it you would have been in the dark. I doubt she had any intention to tell you

6 - forgiving something like this is not something done over a night's sleep. It takes 2-5yrs and you will never forget.

Is it worth spending 5yrs to forgive when she cheated not even 2yrs in the relationship ?

7 - all of the above screams emotional baggage [tons of it], the short breaks scream immaturity [with 2 kids in tow], and this kind of stuff can't be fixed unless the person in question wants it badly. Even then it takes a looong time.

 

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that when you 2 started dating she told you about the emotionally abusive jerk ex, and how all men have treated her bad and how she is happy she found one who treated her awesome ?

Right ?

[LovingTooMuch]

Yes. She did tell me that. I do know however that it was in fact a very bad situation that she chose to leave with her Ex. I knew her during this time.

[Professor X]

Yes. She did tell me that. I do know however that it was in fact a very bad situation that she chose to leave with her Ex. I knew her during this time.

 

Sorry but unless you were right there, with them all that time, you don't know jack of what happened. So she told you, so what? She still slept with her "abusive" ex, she gave birth to his kids and stayed with him for a while. Who says she didn't call you a jerk behind your back to her boss?

 

And bad decision is if you take a turn right instead of left when you're looking for an address, or when you decide to try that new tea that came out to find out it's crap. To sleep with him is just... She knew and she wanted it.

 

And I agree with the above, 23 with 2 kids already, just wow.

 

Yes, you're her sugar daddy.

[rach24680]

even though a lot has happened between u both, seems like ur always splitting up and gettin back. imiagine that ASWELL as trying to forget every night that she cheated on you. every time she goes out, every phone call and txt message she gets, everytime she doesnt answer your call. if you think u can do it then be the bigger man and forgive her and try to work on the trust issues, but believe me its so hard!!! my bf cheated after 2 years of us being together - 2 years on were still together but i still dont trust him!

[Radu]

Yes. She did tell me that. I do know however that it was in fact a very bad situation that she chose to leave with her Ex. I knew her during this time.

 

I was referencing something else.

 

But still, i would look long and hard at how her daddy/mommy were.

That's where we learn relationships so look there. I honestly doubt they were ... normal.

 

I was referencing the fact that she played a damsel in distress act on you to prick the strings of your heart.

Ask most older ppl [women who are not interested in you from a sexual point of view especially] about this, women like to play this act by blaming a lot on the ex, it's a standard and it has the above effect as well as making them look like saints.

Whenever from now on, you hear a woman tell you what this one told you about her ex's, you should run.

It screams emotional baggage and it's designed to lure you in. See it for what it is.

Wheather or not her ex was abusive is irrelevant to you ... you don't want to prove to her that not 'all men are like that' [some posters on these forums use this same logic in their posts], you just want a relationship with a normal person.

 

Healthy ppl don't say stuff like this.