The past that affects the present and the present that shapes the future.

[fanou22]

Today I woke up to read an e-mail from my MM that his wife had delivered the baby. With the e-mail there was a picture of the baby. I immediately felt sick and an extreme sadness engulfed me about my situation.

It hit me in the face: what on earth am I doing??????

 

I am happy for them and the baby but I am sad for myself. I realize that I have forgotten that for the past 3 years I have been longing to find someone to love and love me back unconditionally. To have my own baby's pictures to send to my family and friends............and it just so happens that I have read the soul mates post a couple of days ago.............

 

I am ready to cry because of the mess I have gotten myself into. Some attention is what I wanted and attention is what I got for the past month and a half but I have forgotten who I am.................I do believe in soul mates and I know my MM is not my soul mate. I keep on hoping that one day I will meet him but I know I will not meet him if I am in some half assed relationship with a MM.

 

Reading the soul mate post the other day made me think of one person and it felt like it was describing what I felt for that person. That person is not my MM. He is the man I met 3 years ago I fell in love with him. To this day I think of him. I can be fooling the whole world with what I say but I cannot fool myself realizing that I am only with MM because in so many ways he reminds of my ex-bf the man I fiercely fell in love with once. I am mad at myself for what I have been doing. What was I thinking???????? One day I could walk away from it without felling hurt???????

 

My MM had starting talking about love to me. How could he say that??? Doesn't he know better than to say the words that I long so much to hear???? I had been sarcastic every time he mentioned love and affection replying with the words that I thought would drive him away from me like "how could you love and you wife at the same time" and "it is only lust you feel for me not love".

 

What happened cannot be erased and if I could turn time back I would. All I know is I was setting myself to self-deception and getting hurt.

 

To all the OWs, I haven't turned to the other side and I will never condemn one of you. We are all adults free to make our own decisions. I will never put the blame on an OW who gets into a relationship with a MM. My belief stands that when a husband cheats something is dysfunctional in that marriage.

 

To the wives, I don't want you to snicker and say "finally you woke up". I chose to turn a blind eye to what I knew about my MM and to what I was looking for. I am not breaking away for the sake of his child but for my own sanity.

 

Luckily he will not be at work for the next 2 weeks. I plan to quit my job shortly after he comes back and take my financial losses for my own sake; at least it will cut my emotional and self losses.

[cinnamonstix49]

Fanou--

 

I'm sorry to hear about your MM and your relationship. I don't really know what to say as I'm not very experienced with relationships, but if you need to talk I'm here.

 

Best wishes.

[Mr Spock]

And I won't say I told you so either Fanou...I'm so sorry you're hurting. It's a harsh lesson to learn.

[therresa kennedy]

fanou22,

 

It is sad, when you think you have a future together, or at least can maintain the relationship and then to have your married man share the news of his wifes birth almost as if you were one of his buddies, one of his golfing companions or something, that is what I find so amazing about MM, that they can have that attitude, like the OW is their sex buddy only or something, that she doesn't have the same desires for love, commitment or a one on one relationship as their wife does.

 

I think it was incredibly hurtful and thoughtless of him to send you a picture of his new child! But it shows you the place he has designated for you and that IS sad. You deserve better. I am a wife, but I am not perfect, I have made my share of mistakes, I have my share of secrets too, and I am not here to condemn you or to say I told ya so. I've made that mistake on this forum before, only causes riffs between posters. I think only YOU can realize what needs to be done in this situation, but the fact that you were SO incredibly effected by the photo of the baby, and how wouldn't be? shows me that you really have come to the realization that you DO deserve MORE. Good luck to you and consider yourself stronger because of it. also, your plan to leave the job is a good one, these episodes between MM and OW usually start in the workplace, or often can. Take care!

[Nubianangel]

fanou22--Good luck to you! As I always say, when the pain becomes unbearable..WALK. Where's this ex boyfriend now? Is there anyway the two of you can reconnect? Or maybe it would be a better idea for you to be still within and take a fanou22 vacation. That means rent movies you like, eat foods you love, read books you enjoy and pamper yourself. I'm sure you'll feel down but no pain is too great to work through.

 

You can do it!

[fanou22]

Good news today......

I am not waiting for a month to quit my job. Pulled some strings today and got me another one. They wanted to start on Monday but I am handing my 2 weeks notice on Monday. So by the time the MM comes back to work I will only have to see him for one day and I will be gone from there.

 

It feels some much better that I was able to do something today instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

 

Theresa,

A clarification in my post, I never thought I would have a future with the MM. I want to have a future with a person and not share that person with another woman.

 

Spock,

I am hurting not because of the feelings that I have started developing. But because I can't have my own future and family if I am with him and again the picture reminded me of what I wanted in life.

 

Tell a woman 5 times you love her and she starts believing in what you say. Words come cheap to some people who don't know the full meaning of them (of course I am talking about MM)

 

The funny thing I was disappointed last week for not seeing him. I told him so. I will copy what he e-mailed me for those of you who are just in a relationship with a MM to know what to expect.

 

"I am sorry that I have not been spending the time with you that I would like to or that you deserve. I certainly would love to be able to see you more often. I really do miss you when I cannot hold you in my arms. I really hope that you are not too mad at me. It would crush me if I pushed you away from me. You mean more to be than I can easily explain in words and I want you to be a part of my life for a long time to come."

 

Anyway, the end to my relationship came yesterday. Of course he does not know yet and he will never know the real reasons of my moving away from him. I will simply ignore him, his phone calls, and his e-mails.

[therresa kennedy]

It really does sound like you have done all the right things, I am really happy for you. It is funny how a photo of someone can really have a transformative effect on a person, and how it can spur them into action. You seeing the photo of the baby did just that, reminding you of the very things you want in your own life.

 

Yes, MM are incredibly selfish when they lead women on and expect them to give up all hope or potential for a full, well rounded life. You are so right to leave the job and move away. He may try to lure you back, but you know that he expects you to have nothing to be with him, not like his wife has. What do you think he would say if you said, "you know I would like to have a baby too one day, or maybe even soon" ? He would probably make all manner of excuses as to why you couldn't do that with HIM.

 

Making a clean break is the best way of dealing with this, and you do deserve all that his wife enjoys, and more, namely, a man who doesn't cheat!

 

Best of luck to you and hang in there!

[Mr Spock]

Ok. I understand.

 

I really feel you owe it to the spouse to inform her of your STD, and that you had unprotected sex with her husband.

[fanou22]

Spock,

 

Why cause more pain????? Isn't it enough that one person is hurting???? If I had given him something, it would have showed by now. Since I haven't received any calls or e-mails telling me that I passed my STD, I don't see any point in telling her. I am not even telling him that it is over between us. Let him figure out that part on his own.

Not seeing him at work will be much more easier. I will not be answering his phone calls or e-mails if they come through.

[therresa kennedy]

Just so you know, I totally support what you are doing. It takes incredible strength to do what you are doing. I applaud your ability to do so. Good for you!

 

Best Regards,

[fanou22]

Theresa,

 

Thank you for your support. Every time I read your words and those of others, I am more determined in going through with what I am doing. I am so excited, I can barely wait for tomorrow to turn in my resignation.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what did your husband tell you the reason he cheated on you????

[kirkyswife]

My husband has never cheated but as a wife who has gone round and round with some of the OW's on this board I am glad that you were enlightened to the reality of your situation and want more from a relationship than what a MM can ever offer.

 

I don't wish pain on anyone so I hope that as time progresses you find inner peace and self love and that you are blessed with the love, respect, friendship and attention that your single, emotionally available soulmate will shower upon you.

 

I appreciate you for sharing so honestly and openly, but more importantly for walking away from this jerk and his mess.

 

Be strong good luck in your new endeavors and BE BLESSED!

[therresa kennedy]

If you want to hear the whole story, you can read my previous posts, there are a few of them, they go into all the nauseating details, it is quite a long story. But he didn't cheat on me due to any lack in our marriage, he had been pursued the first time and the second time by two very aggresive women, and he thought he could get away with it, it was also a kind of testing, to see if he could do it.

 

It backfired of course, and also, this all traspired over ten years ago. We learned a lot from all of the dynamics that led to and resulted from the infidelity. But like I mentioned, if you want to know the whole story, just read my older posts, they will include many details. Good luck to you.

[fanou22]

Now I think the real battle starts controlling myself not to respond.

 

I just checked my e-mail to see one from MM. It was short but hey he did send me an e-mail.

I automatically clicked on reply to cancel it in the next 5 seconds.

I am going to be tempted to reply but I hope and will not to succumb to this temptation. I will be strong. I just need some encouragement to do so.

[Mr Spock]

Fanou because she may have it. How long does it take for the initial outbreak to show up? What if the baby has it? Can't herpes untreated in infants cause some serious problems? (maybe I'm thinkng smallpox I'm not sure)

 

Because you owe it to her. You owe it to her and her child to inform her that her husband is such a slimeball he doesn't care if he infects himself or her. What if you were HIV positive? Which is fatal, eventually. I'd sure as hell want to know. If he slept with you, he'll sleep with others. Don't you owe it to THEM, the unknowns, to protect them from what YOU suffer through daily with your affliction? I would consider anything less selfish, but after all it's just IMHO....

 

 

And are you a doctor? I was under the impression the virus can lay dormant for quite some time before a breakout occurs.

[Mr Spock]

PS-Good for you for ending things. But to not inform the partner of someone you have had unprotected sex with who has NO INTENTION of telling her is reckless, and cruel. If you didn't want to hurt people you should have A.Not F*cked him at all and B.Insisted on condoms, at the very least. I am not judging you for having the affair. Only for allowing someone to have sex with you without condoms.

[fanou22]

Spock,

 

As I said earlier, if I had given it to him he should have showed signs by now. I am not a doctor but I have asked a lot of doctors and read a lot of publications. The general consensus is that it should show between 2 days and 3 weeks though in rare cases it could take months.

 

His wife had a pimple scare a couple of weeks ago that her doctor thought might be herpes. They tested her and her swabs came back negative for an outbreak but her blood showed the presence of the virus. According to MM, she has cold sores around her mouth which explains why her blood would test positive.

 

It is over now and what happened happened. I don't think there is a need for you to go on right now telling I should tell his wife. No matter what happens, I will never tell her even if I have to lie to her face. I will not even tell her I had an affair with her husband. I had been very careful in the past by avoiding relationships altogether.

But I will not go back to doing so. I will simply try to meet someone who I can have a future with.

 

I consider that now I learned my lesson and I need to move on and never have any kind of a relationship with a MM, divorced man, or even a separated man.

[Debster]

fanou22,

 

I am glad you have ended it and truly wish you a future of happiness.

 

I must agree with Mr Spock though - the wife needs to be aware that there was a threat to her, and her baby's health. You can not 100% guarantee that they are both safe. They could be one of the rare cases, you never know. Besides, who knows who else he is sleeping with, or slept with and what disease they may have.

 

Plus this way she will at least be aware her husband is fooling around and take the necessary precautions to protect herself - if she doesnt' kick him to the curb.

 

I can understand why you would want to avoid telling her, but I feel that she deserves to know. We are talking about someone's health here. If you don't want to do it in person - try over the phone or via mail. You don't even need to tell her your name.

 

No matter what happens, I will never tell her even if I have to lie to her face. I will not even tell her I had an affair with her husband.

This is such cowardly behaviour. You can't sit here one day defending your behaviour (as you did in a response to one of my posts) and then the next, wanting to lie about it and hide it. Having unprotected sex with a MM while you have an STD is wrong. Make any excuse you want, but it will never be good enough until you own up to your actions.

[Mr Spock]

Thanks Debster, I didn't want to reply again-I don't want her to feel like I'm picking on her but I too feel her behaviour is cowardly. I have much thought about if I would deny when faced in a similar situation, and have decided not to.

 

If you are concerned about keeping your STD under wraps for your own protection then you should never, never never have let him f*** you without a condom.

[therresa kennedy]

Oh, just another of the myriad reasons why infidelity is such a potentially messy, cruel and nasty little thing. It is so shocking to learn that your spouse may have exposed you to a disease, in my case, I never did catch anything, but I know some women, oh I know it's the dreaded word, WIVES even, who feel so angry, so hurt to know that their man DID give them something.

 

When there are children involved it becomes even more of a moral quandary. I am so glad I don't have to make these decisions or to have to consider these things. But, fanou, I am in total agreement with Spock. It won't be easy, and many choose not to do it, but for crying out loud, the wife needs to know the truth. It becomes such a situation of utter amorality when any kind of potential disease spreading is involved in the (screwing and chewing) aspects that go on in an affair.

 

Doesn't the wife have any rights? Is she a nonentity? This woman does have a child, doesn't that make her at least a teeny bit humanized, or important? Does she not have any worth? These stories just make me feel so sad for the wives and mothers who get it in the ass, not only by their husbands who promised to love, honor and protect them, but also by the other women involved who seem to think they are nothing, only the hated competition, the hated wife.

 

I know every situation is different, but I also know of stories where the wife contracted aids from her husband, who in turn got it from the woman he was cheating with, a woman he thought was "clean" and turned out to be not only toxic, but deadly. It is tragic, the level of human misery these situations cause. I was sooo lucky in my case, but so many wives are not and end up having their lives destroyed by the entire process. I wish more women would care about each other and not go in for the proverbial kill in every respect under the sun.

[Mr Spock]

Yeah. That's the dilemma I face. She should know-it's her RIGHT to know the man her life revolves around (and it does, it's one of those marriages)is a total and complete jerk. There is no nobility in sticking around in a marriage to show your kids what a pig their dad is. It's not the first time he's done it to her either (my situation) but I don't have the right to tell her at this time. So she will remain oblivious until someone lets it slip.

 

In your case Fanou, you do have the right to tell her, to protect her and her child.

[fanou22]

She had the baby and 10 days before she had the baby she got tested and it came back negative for an outbreak. So basically there was no threat to her or the baby.

 

I did not see her husband during that time. It is a moral issue, I agree with you. I also agree that I should be telling her about it. But I cannot do that. I had talked with my doctor about it and about the possibility of having infected him. He did assure me that it is least likely that I would have infected MM.

 

If the possibility is least likely, should I set myself up in a trap????? A non-ending one between MM, me and his wife??????

[Debster]

The point is, that you don't know 100% for sure that there is no threat to the wife or the baby. And who knows who else your MM is going to sleep with once you aren't there to meet his needs. Who's to say she isn't going to have another STD - maybe even AIDS.

 

I am not trying to bash you. I do know that it will be very hard to tell the wife. I don't envy you that. But will you be able to live with yourself if later on down the line the wife or baby, does get herpes or some other STD - even AIDS - knowing that you could have warned her and possible prevented it?

 

There is a way to tell her and minimize your involvement. At least in CAnada you can tell a clinic and they will let the person know confidentially. Is that an option where you live? Another option is a letter or phonecall. You don't have to give the wife your name or even say what STD it is. Just say that "I have had repeat, unprotected sex with your husband. For your health and peace of mind, get tested." Granted the MM will know it is you - unless he was sleeping with a number of people. He will be mad and pissed at you - but do you care? You wanted to end things anyways.

 

Good luck.

[Matilda]

I probably shouldn't jump into this, but I kind of agree with fanou about this one. (BTW, as background I am married with 3 kids.) On the one hand the wife should know her husband is cheating on her, and knowingly put her at risk. But, on the other hand, this poor woman has just had a baby. Can you imagine hearing that kind of news days after you've given birth.

 

It does sound like it is very unlikely the wife or the baby are at risk. And I do think at some point this woman needs to find out what kind of man she's married to, but I'm not sure this is the right time. Maybe an anonymous letter at some point? Gosh, I don't know, what a mess!

 

Oh, I almost forgot, fanou, I am glad you are giving yourself a chance to have a better life. I hope the best for you.

[Mr Spock]

(expletive deleted)

 

It's NOT GOING TO HURT ANY LESS TO FIND OUT LATER ON.

 

 

Helloooo.......she needs to know so she can protect herself and the baby.