The past that affects the present and the present that shapes the future.

[fanou22]

I may tell her at some point one day when I move to a different continent or something but definitely not when I am dealing with my own emotional mess.

 

FYI, here is what he wrote in an earlier e-mail:

I am confident that you did not pass anything to me.

[Mr Spock]

Ok fanou, you do what you are going to do, you already know we don't think that's right. I'm glad he is confident. But is he POSITIVE.

[fanou22]

I am not doing anything in the near future.

As for him being positive, I cannot answer that. I haven't spoken to him or replied to his one e-mail since last week. I am definitely not going to ask him whether he showed any signs or no.

 

All I can say is what I said earlier in my posts. His wife had a swab test for herpes 2 weeks before she had the baby and it came back negative. Since that time I haven't been intimate with him. He hasn't told me anything about him showing signs which would have showed by now.

 

Also from what he told me numerous times, that they both have cold sores every now and then which means they both have oral herpes.

 

I will let her know anonymously when I move to a different state definitely not when I live in the same city or even state. Call me coward but hey............

[daybyday]

How funny to hear someone in a similar situation. I too was with a married man who I broke it off with right after his child was born. It was so hard because he swore he loved me. He told me we were soul mates. My situation differs because after our separation I turned up pregnant... the same month he had his baby. Now he hates me and says I have destroyed his life and he loves his wife. I don't believe in abortion, and adoption isn't really for me either. I don't want his wife to find out because it will hurt her, so I have six months to consider my options. Again way to go! It takes alot of strength to leave. About the STD thing, wow, that makes it complicated. keep it up, everyday will get easier, and there is someone for everyone.

[Babysistah]

Just something to think about.....

 

If a person is sleeping with a MM/MW unprotected and knowingly having a STD that has no cure (and the MM/MW is very willing)......why would anyone expect the OW/OM to tell the spouse?

 

In this case, if she was going to tell the wife shouldn't she have done it while they were involved with each other so the wife could have a chance to protect herself and her unborn child? or better yet.....if she really cared or had that kind of morals wouldn't she have insisted on using protection? or not even be involved with a MM at all.....

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that how can you expect a person who would do this in the first place to all of a sudden believe she should tell the wife. After all being the OW means you are selfish and its all about you... right?

 

Let me just say that I don't think what Fanou did was right but I do respect her for telling him up front that she has herpes, I also believe he should have insisted on protection every time (or not been cheating to begin with). But even with that being said, I don't think she should tell the wife......why now? if she was going to tell her she should have done it a long time ago.

 

Putting myself in the wife's shoes....I would have wanted to know from the beginning, why wait until after I have a baby to tell me some sh@% like that. If she is infected then the damage is done....its too late for her to prevent it and there is no cure so what's the purpose of telling her? If she is not sleeping with the MM anymore then I say don't tell the wife. If she tells its not guaranteed that she will be "saving" the wife from any future diseases....especially if the wife stays with that dog ass SOB that she calls a husband.

 

But if you should decide to tell I would say (as someone else mentioned) that having your local county health department contact the wife and keep you anonymous would be the best way.

 

Just my unsolicited two cents

 

 

"Never let your sense of morals

prevent you from doing what's right".

Isaac Asimov

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

(expletive deleted)

 

It's NOT GOING TO HURT ANY LESS TO FIND OUT LATER ON.

 

 

Helloooo.......she needs to know so she can protect herself and the baby.

 

No, I don't think it will hurt any less, later on, but she will be better able to deal with it then. When you have just had a baby, you are totally focused on the baby, as you should be. That baby deserves and needs her undivided attention right now. Also, new mothers are in the midst of a hormonally induced emotional firestorm already. And there is also the sleep deprivation. Let the poor woman recover from having the baby before she has to deal with this situation.

 

What more could she possibly do at this point to protect herself and the baby even if she did know?

[Mr Spock]

You're missing the point-he's not hesitant about porking women with STD's-what, you want her to wait until he's had a chance to sleep with someone else? The REASON she deserves to know is so she can kick him to the curb before he has a chance to pick up something worse and pass it on.

[Nubianangel]

After all being the OW means you are selfish and its all about you... right?

 

That's a broad statement. Have you ever been the OW? If not, don't assume all OW are selfish. In my case, yes, I was very selfish but I've met a lot of OW whose objective was NOT for self but for the MM or 'taken boyfriend'. In essence, it becomes all about HIM, that's why it's so hard to let go...basically, you lose yourself.

 

Every OW's or OM's story is different, please don't make assumptions. Also, what you find disgusting, deplorable or incomprehensible, someone else may find alluring, exciting or comprehensible that does NOT mean they have no morals only that they differ from yours.

 

Let's post opinions without being nasty.

[therresa kennedy]

I think it's important to clarify, at least in my own well-informed opinion, that ALL relationships are about self-serving needs, gratifying the internal ego, and selfishness. This goes for one on one faithful and honest relationships or relationships where there exists an Other Woman and/or Married man.

 

I don't know of one person, or of any fundemental social reality I have EVER learned in my life that illustrates the dynamic of an Other Woman doing it [for] altruistic reasons, or FOR the Married man. OW become involved in these relationships for a whole multitude of other far more complex reasons, AND because they are intrinsically selfish and self-serving. This is the nature of man, the very essence of the survival instinct. The difference with ME is that I choose not to pursue or respond to Married men. But to attempt to say that in (some) cases other women do it FOR the married man is not only ludicrous it is comical.

 

Here I go again, but I do agree with Spock on this one thing, the wife does have a RIGHT to know. And yes, fanou, you probably should tell her by letter and if you keep it anonymous then you can also protect yourself in the process, and that is wise. Also, it would be good if you waited perhaps ONE more month. But don't use the birth of this poor woman's baby as an excuse for not doing what you know is the right thing. God, I thank my lucky stars every day when I hear stories like this one. Good luck to you fanou and you deserve much credit for trying to start a new life for yourself AWAY from this man. Stay strong and in TIME, do the right thing, I think you may discover a huge weight is lifted from your shoulders.

[Babysistah]

Nubianangel

 

I don't know how to use the quote feature but to answer your question...my statement about OW being selfish and only thinking of themselves was meant to be sarcasm...based on some of the other posters.

 

and about your question as to have I ever been the OW.... as a matter of fact I am an OW right now and have been in my situation for a year and a half, the only difference from some of the OW on here is that I am not in love with him and I don't want him to leave his wife....I don't want him like that. But nonetheless, I am an OW and I can relate to most of the OW on here. I also can understand the wives (or fiancees) who post on here in rage and disgust because I too was a wife that was cheated on.

 

On your last paragraph where you say what I might find deplorable and disgusting and blah, blah, blah....I don't think any of that was in my post....you tell me not to make assumptions but you just made the assumption that I feel that way.....and I don't feel that way.

 

I also want you to know that I read your post about what you just went through and I'm sorry that it went down that way....and what you must be going through.

[Nubianangel]

The point I was trying to make is this, yes, it certainly starts off as a very selfish endeavor. You want who you want and no one, not even his wife or g/f is going to stop you. Then the feelings for HIM come into play, HE becomes your world, HE becomes the very reason you wake in the morning, HE becomes your happiness and the very thought of losing HIM is unbearable. At some point, her conscious will come into play but HE will assure her that HE'S unhappy and HE can't do without her and so she remains in the same rotten cycle. It's no longer about her, it's all about HIM.

 

I think the bigger question here is why do those who are on the other end of the spectrum having been cheated on or even those who have never been the OW feel the need to shove their definitions of who the OW is and how she feels down our throats? Only OW can speak for OW.

[Nubianangel]

Babysistah,

My bad, I didn't pick up on the sarcasm and thanks for the kind words.

 

I wasn't assuming you felt that way..it was a typo, I meant to write what you 'may find' disgusting, etc. Sorry, but I'm only guilty of assuming you had no idea what it was like to be an OW. My apologies. Up until today, I was a lot like you. The difference was, I WAS in love with him but I could care less if he left his g/f or not. I was content with what he provided but then I started to see our situation for what it really was--and I saw that what he was providing was very little and that I deserved a lot more.

 

Do what makes you happy but be careful and above all be sure it's something you won't regret for the rest of your life.

[Babysistah]

Nubianangel.....

 

Its all good girl

 

We all come here for different reasons. I searched for a board where I could hear OW's stories so maybe I could figure out my own situation. This board is very interesting to me and has helped me a lot. I have lurked around for a while but just started posting recently.

 

I haven't posted my story because I see the bashing that goes on and I know they would have a field day with me because I fall into the "not remorseful" category. Although I do know what I am doing is wrong, I don't have a desire to stop. I do feel guilty sometimes, like when I see his wife and their new baby......but other than that I don't really feel guilty.

 

Every time I am with him I swear it is the last time but as soon as he calls I'm like "when, where, what time" Its really not funny though.....I am here to find out more about me and my actions and how to end this relationship with him that crave.

[therresa kennedy]

Just because a poster says she is a wife, and has lived or attempts to live a moral live certainly does NOT mean she has always lived thusly. I have many secrets, most or all of which I will NOT share on this board, but to accuse wives, to lump them into a tiresome category of compartmentalized boxes of good girls is quite naive.

 

I have been MANY things, and I have seen perspectives from MANY different sides of the fence, so don't presume wives like me don't know what it's like to be duplicsitous liars. I have experienced many things in life as a 38 year old woman who is quite happy with her lot. That is one of the reasons I come to this forum, to share my experience, insights, perspectives and knowledge. So, remember the old saying, don't judge a book by it's cover, you may be surprised to find what's underneath is not what you expected.

[Nubianangel]

I haven't posted my story because I see the bashing that goes on and I know they would have a field day with me because I fall into the "not remorseful" category.

 

You should looks at all of my posts, I was skewered but I've dealt with bigger fish so it rolled right off of my back. I had to make the change in my own time and what some don't realize is it's impossible to change someone's mind or behavior. They have to do it in their own time. I didn't give a rats ass about his g/f, he was my focus. She just had a baby last January, do you think I cared? Nope! My world revolved around him, as long as he gave me a slice of his time, I was content. Like you, I came here to hear other stories and tell my own. Instead, I was bashed, criticized and insulted but through that there were some well-meaning posters who really wanted to understand why I would settle for such a lifestyle. I tried my best to answer but the more I re-read my answers the more pathetic they became. Finally, I had to know if he felt the same as I did and so I made the decision to back him into the corner once and for all and I definitely got my answer.

 

I am here to find out more about me and my actions and how to end this relationship with him that crave.

 

You'll find that and more girl. Ignore the self-righteous naysayers, rarely are their posts constructive. Usually, they have a vendetta. Pay attention to the ones who ask questions and genuinely want to know why you do the things you do. They're the helpful, empathetic ones. Or you can keep doing what you're doing, you'll figure it out on your own when you're ready.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

You're missing the point-he's not hesitant about porking women with STD's-what, you want her to wait until he's had a chance to sleep with someone else? The REASON she deserves to know is so she can kick him to the curb before he has a chance to pick up something worse and pass it on.

 

No, I just want her to wait a month, or 2 at the most. They can't have sex for 6 weeks anyway. I do agree with you that she needs to know. I just feel that telling her now would be too much. Just my opinion.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Matilda

No, I just want her to wait a month, or 2 at the most. They can't have sex for 6 weeks anyway. I do agree with you that she needs to know. I just feel that telling her now would be too much. Just my opinion.

 

Just because THEY can't have sex doesn't mean HE can't. And I'm sure he will. SHe needs to know before they ever have sex again.

[Babysistah]

Thanks Nubian.....

 

I have read some of your post as well as your replies to some of the other posters and I like the way you stand up for yourself. You have had me laughing lots of times.....

 

Before this MM I would have laughed and told anyone they were a liar if they would have told me that I would become the OW. That subject was taboo....you just didn't do that (cheat on your spouse that is or be the OW).

 

I was faithful to my husband long before we got married.......we lived together first and I would have never dreamed of sleeping with another man....the thought never crossed my mind but after you have been through so much BS with your man sometimes you never know....

 

That's why I don't judge...because I was just like some of the women who say they will never be in this situation but here I am.......the OW. I am doing to his wife exactly what was done to me (and probably worse) but I can't seem to consider her long enough to stop seeing him.

 

I am finding a way and I won't be doing this too much longer....and like you, once I have stopped, I still won't judge those who are still the OW.

[Nubianangel]

Thanks Nubian.....

 

I have read some of your post as well as your replies to some of the other posters and I like the way you stand up for yourself. You have had me laughing lots of times.....

 

Before this MM I would have laughed and told anyone they were a liar if they would have told me that I would become the OW. That subject was taboo....you just didn't do that (cheat on your spouse that is or be the OW).

 

I was faithful to my husband long before we got married.......we lived together first and I would have never dreamed of sleeping with another man....the thought never crossed my mind but after you have been through so much BS with your man sometimes you never know....

 

That's why I don't judge...because I was just like some of the women who say they will never be in this situation but here I am.......the OW. I am doing to his wife exactly what was done to me (and probably worse) but I can't seem to consider her long enough to stop seeing him.

 

I am finding a way and I won't be doing this too much longer....and like you, once I have stopped, I still won't judge those who are still the OW.

 

I'm rooting for you girl.

Ya, some of the posts are pretty funny. I can be really sarcastic when need be and when I believe in something I ask for noone's permission nor do I apologize for it. I wait to learn the lesson on my own, I've always been that way. Granted there were some who pointed me in the right direction but in the end I'm the one who said 'it's over'.

 

I will say from my own experience, it's hard to consider the wife or g/f because they are somewhat of a non entity. In my case, I work with him and his g/f is a stay at home mom who lives about an hour away so I never had the opportunity to meet her. In turn, I had no vision or memory of her to conjure up when I was enjoying the quick romps in his jeep during our lunch breaks. I did see a picture of his newborn and though it crushed me for a long time, it took me 5 months to finally move on.

 

Growing up, cheating was not an option for me or atleast that's what I thought but it doesn't suprise me that I ended up being the OW. I just had a memory of my mom being the OW when I was a little girl. We went to a cookout and my mom had been seeing one of the neighbors nearby. He attended the cookout and brought his girlfriend. I remember my mom making sure her makeup was perfect, her heels were high and her skirt short in anticipation of seeing him. Soon as she spotted him she took my hand and we purposely strolled past him and his woman. We did this several times while my mom cut eyes at this woman and playfully smirked at him. It was as if my mom was rubbing it in her face. (the woman had her suspicions) The strange thing is I felt a sense of pride in my mom. I don't know what that means but I'm sure it speaks volumes. Anyway, I've been in a few relationships here and there. Some were wonderful and some were horrid, I was not emotionally ready so they didn't last. When he came along, we became great friends but there was an attraction there. I thought what luck?! At the time, I was not emotionally mature to sustain a relationship, so keeping him at arms length worked for me. Thus, I entered into something forbidden. That's why I say NEVER SAY NEVER.

[therresa kennedy]

Yes, Nubians recent post does speak volumes for me, it is so true, reflects so perfectly what I have been saying in the past in my various posts. This can, (infidelity) many times be a learned behavior. Feeling a sence of pride in fooling or taking from others, a sense of the forbidden fruit quality, or of one upping someone, in this case another mans wife, G/F whatever. From Kiababy's mouth and now Nubianangel as well, when a child witnesses this kind of behavior they can grow to emulate it, think it is acceptable etc.

 

And in an ongoing relationship this many times makes the eventual sex, even that more fulfilling right? Supports my theory that the proverbial (wife) or girlfriend is a needed erotic element to the man/woman union of the OW, MM. And for those lacking the imagination to truly understand various subtleties then I suppose the wife also becomes a non-entity. Of course none of that angle is true is it? The wives ARE human beings, deserving of truth, safety, and self-determination, just like any other woman is, whether OW or not.

 

Infidelity is so sad to me, so much human misery is caused by it. I suppose in my extensive readings, (ho-hum) on criminal justice theoryand (criminology)- the core causation of criminal acts, I have come across so many tragic episodes of fatal violence stemming from just such instances, unfaithful spouces, hurt cheatees, executed cheaters etc. I know I take a hard line on this and sometimes I may fluctuate between dead seriousness and silly humor, but it DOES make me quite sad that so many people have these intence longings, unresolved childhood, parental issues, and such utter lack of compassion for the bystanders who can get caught in the middle and become so destroyed by these things, which always, take it from me, take on a virtual life of their own.

 

But at least in delving into these things we can begin to understand them a bit better. I don't want to hurl insults or judgements on anyone anymore, I just wish that women on this forum and elsewhere in this country would feel more compassin for each other and stop being so incredibly cutthroat about everything, from things as myriad as hating another woman because she is attractive, to hating another woman because she has a handsome husband or is in a content marriage. I just wish women would be kinder to each other, strange coming from me? Well, perhaps, but nonetheless truthful.

[therresa kennedy]

Well, girls, we're all together, and whether ya like old Therresa or not, I would like to share a good ole poem that we all can relate to. This is a good poem, a classic, and it will mean something differently to each of us.

 

It is entitled, SONG OF FAIRIES

 

By: Thomas Randolph

 

 

This is a classic, and it has always been one of my favorites, hope it inspires thought for any of you as it always has for me. By the way, there are NO misspellings in this poem, "oft" is the shortened version of the word "often" Hope you enjoy it. Best Regards girls!

[fanou22]

MM totally surprised me today by showing up to work for a couple of hours.

I felt like I wanted to start crying. We spoke for a few minutes about nothing. He went to his desk and sent me a message telling that he can see in my eyes and somehow he feels like he lost me for ever. He then proceeded to tell me how beautiful the times we had spent together and how much he loves me.

 

Oh yes....he said that he loves me so much and does not want to lose me.

 

I felt like crying....only I could not do so while at work....

 

How I long to hear those words from someone I could have a future with.

 

We talked afterwards and I explained to him what I felt seeing the picture and what I wanted. He said that he will do whatever makes me happy even if it means not being together but he cannot stand losing me totally. I told him we can stay in touch with the occasional holidays e-mails.

I left it at that and went home. It was already late as it is..........

 

I hope from here onwards it will be easy.

[Nubianangel]

Yes, Nubians recent post does speak volumes for me, it is so true, reflects so perfectly what I have been saying in the past in my various posts. This can, (infidelity) many times be a learned behavior. Feeling a sence of pride in fooling or taking from others, a sense of the forbidden fruit quality, or of one upping someone, in this case another mans wife, G/F whatever. From Kiababy's mouth and now Nubianangel as well, when a child witnesses this kind of behavior they can grow to emulate it, think it is acceptable etc.

 

And in an ongoing relationship this many times makes the eventual sex, even that more fulfilling right? Supports my theory that the proverbial (wife) or girlfriend is a needed erotic element to the man/woman union of the OW, MM. And for those lacking the imagination to truly understand various subtleties then I suppose the wife also becomes a non-entity. Of course none of that angle is true is it? The wives ARE human beings, deserving of truth, safety, and self-determination, just like any other woman is, whether OW or not.

 

Infidelity is so sad to me, so much human misery is caused by it. I suppose in my extensive readings, (ho-hum) on criminal justice theoryand (criminology)- the core causation of criminal acts, I have come across so many tragic episodes of fatal violence stemming from just such instances, unfaithful spouces, hurt cheatees, executed cheaters etc. I know I take a hard line on this and sometimes I may fluctuate between dead seriousness and silly humor, but it DOES make me quite sad that so many people have these intence longings, unresolved childhood, parental issues, and such utter lack of compassion for the bystanders who can get caught in the middle and become so destroyed by these things, which always, take it from me, take on a virtual life of their own.

 

But at least in delving into these things we can begin to understand them a bit better. I don't want to hurl insults or judgements on anyone anymore, I just wish that women on this forum and elsewhere in this country would feel more compassin for each other and stop being so incredibly cutthroat about everything, from things as myriad as hating another woman because she is attractive, to hating another woman because she has a handsome husband or is in a content marriage. I just wish women would be kinder to each other, strange coming from me? Well, perhaps, but nonetheless truthful.

 

Theresa-

I think pigs have just flown by, we are definitely in agreement here.

 

It's funny that that particular memory came to mind while I was sitting at my desk yesterday. It's certainly not the first time my mom has done something like that. I don't want to divulge too much of my mom's business or secrets but she was always looking for love, always had a different date each weekend and it didn't matter if he was taken or not. I don't believe she's ever had something with a married man but I supposed that's besides the point. The point is I saw all of this going on, at times she even confided in me and I thought 'wow my mom is a fox, she's irresistable! I hope to be like her someday.' What do you know, I became my mom and all this time I thought the reasons lie with my dad only. It's amazing when you delve into your past, you discover so many reasons why you make choice A rather than B.

 

By the way, I enjoyed the poem and I understand it's meaning.

[kiababy]

The point is I saw all of this going on, at times she even confided in me and I thought 'wow my mom is a fox, she's irresistable! I hope to be like her someday.' What do you know, I became my mom and all this time I thought the reasons lie with my dad only.

 

My Dad was the cheater so I guess I grew up to be just like him. My mother never dated or showed any interest in another man once she and my father divorced. She's totally asexual (she's not 'in the closet', she just hates sex - period) and would never ever speak to me about it. Not that I wanted to talk to her about it or anything else.

 

Ironically my father actually went on to marry his mistress and after 10 miserable years he divorced her too. She was about 15 years younger than him, about the same age difference as me and my MM (I'm the older one).

 

My ex and I had a horrible marriage with constant fighting, it wore me down emotionally and I started to withdraw and would go for days on end not speaking to him at all. I guess it was similar to running away from home when my parents would fight when I was little.

 

I am a very closed person. Somehow, my MM has been able to break through that wall. When we talk I am able to express every single emotion I'm feeling. That's one of the reasons I cling to him - he's my outlet.

 

I'm still doing lots of reading on the whole Love Addiction thing to figure out why he, of all people is the one I picked to open up to.

[Nubianangel]

When we talk I am able to express every single emotion I'm feeling.

 

It's good to see you Kiababy, I was getting worried. The above post was true of my case as well. I told him of my insecurities and he actually listened. He didn't try to fix it, he didn't laugh at it, he rarely talked while I vented. He listened and that captured my heart. Also, he took a lot of my sexual inhibitions away. He brought out the 'lioness' in me, so to speak.

 

Keep reading up on the Love addiction, I've been doing the same. It's soooo hard because when I see him, I long to wrap my arms around his shoulders and kiss him like nobody's business BUT I can't get his post out of my head. I read it whenever I feel the desire to be in his arms one last time. I have to realize it's a want rather than a need.