what is love....?

[pillowcase]

I've seen love. I see it every day. Couples out on the street, a husband on the train smiling at his wife - the simple things.

 

I've even been in love. I remember the feelings of anticipation at seeing her again. The 'butterflies in the stomach'. The initial, awkward does she/ doesn't she like me phase? The stumbling around in the dark, trying not to show my hand too soon; trying not to give the game away that I was head over heels; and the relief that washed over me when she told me she felt the same. The aching lonliness when she was not around, tempered only by the knowledge that I would see her again soon.

 

The story of every relationship, yes?

 

But that was (it seems) a lifetime ago. For a long while now I feel as though I've lost my mojo. My ability to love and be loved. I've become much more cynical about the nature of love. And I don't want to be.

 

I'm not sure how or when it happened, but its been a gradual realisation that I'm not as driven as I once was when it comes to chasing female company. I have a couple of 'friends with benefits' things going on which keeps me satisfied sexually, but as for a deeper, purer connection, I don't know if I can muster that anymore. I just feel a bit detached from love I guess.

 

I do (deep down) still believe that there is a great love out there for me (perhaps more than one - I plan on living for a long time) but right now, I just feel a bit hollow when it comes to relationships. As though I'm missing some vital element.

 

Now my question to you fine LS folks is:

 

Is this a natural thing? Do we all feel a bit jaded at times with the rollercoaster of love? And if so, is there anything I can do to restore whatever it is I'm missing?

[january2011]

I usually find myself like this after a painful and hurtful experience. I'm trying to guard my heart and it's a coping mechanism that's become a crutch.

 

I believe that in order to love again and make that connection, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to open up our hearts and lives to other people, not just our bodies. That may mean moving away from FWB situations and taking a risk on dating for a relationship rather than for sex.

 

You could try actively pursuing a relationship and/or friendships, via OLD, for example and getting out there in other ways to meet people. It's a good start that you already believe that deep down you will find someone again, but you're still going to have to go out there and open up your heart and life to let other people in. There are no guarantees, but I feel that you still need to get out there and take the risk. You may get hurt again, but you may also find the love that you're seeking.

[carhill]

Is this a natural thing?

 

Unknown. I was just going to write up a similar type post, reflecting back on a few decades of such observations.

Do we all feel a bit jaded at times with the rollercoaster of love?

Perhaps. I felt 'jaded' in my mid-30's. Now, there is a calm emptiness. I call it loving the subset of zero.

And if so, is there anything I can do to restore whatever it is I'm missing?

 

If I find this answer, I'll post it up. I think the answer will come when I figure out why things turned out so oddly coming from a healthy and loving background. That work still remains to be done. I hope you find your answers.

[WonderKid]

Love is for kids. Loyalty is for men and women.

[pillowcase]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses folks - I appreciate it.

 

I usually find myself like this after a painful and hurtful experience. I'm trying to guard my heart and it's a coping mechanism that's become a crutch.

 

I believe that in order to love again and make that connection, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and to open up our hearts and lives to other people, not just our bodies. That may mean moving away from FWB situations and taking a risk on dating for a relationship rather than for sex.

 

Yeah, that sounds about right. I've been very guarded with my emotions over the course of my adult life, and I now get the feeling that this is now more a hinderance to my personal development than an asset. I did kinda come to the same conclusion about my FWB status as well.

 

You could try actively pursuing a relationship and/or friendships, via OLD, for example and getting out there in other ways to meet people. It's a good start that you already believe that deep down you will find someone again, but you're still going to have to go out there and open up your heart and life to let other people in. There are no guarantees, but I feel that you still need to get out there and take the risk. You may get hurt again, but you may also find the love that you're seeking.

 

OLD... = Online dating? I guess at the moment I'm more interested in sorting this particular problem than inflicting my flawed psyche on a potential girlfriend, but thanks for the advice! I haven't had much luck with OLD in the past in any case. I guess most girls aren't attracted to the half nerd/ half jock guy!

 

Carhill, its interesting, I also came from a loving background. As Bill Hicks would say 'dad didn't rape me, mum didn't beat me' so I'm also a bit at a loss to explain the subset of zero feeling. Good luck with the search, hope you find some answers.

 

Wonderkid - I'm a Leo, but I'm still working on the loyalty.

[january2011]

Yes, OLD = o n l i n e d a t i n g

 

If you do decide to get back into OLD, I suggest OKCupid rather than POF - from what I remember, there are more nerds on there compared to POF. And, for the record, a nerd/jock combination gives a girl the best of both worlds, in my opinion.

 

I think that you could try to dip your toes in the water to see whether or not you're ready, particularly since you seem to have had a significant break since your last relationship. But it's up to you, follow your intuition.

 

Good luck with finding answers!