Hero to Zero

[Edtheduck]

Hi all,

 

Yup, a newbie. Looking for advice, help, guidance really. My story is as below:

 

My G/F recently broke up with me, around 6 weeks back. We live nearly 200 miles apart, but always made the effort to see eachother every weekend. Things were good, in fact, they were great. A year together, holidays, meeting the family, new years, friends weddings, the lot. She is a mother of 3, I'm 30, she's 27.

 

Of course from day one, we had talked about one of us ultimately having to move if it were to become serious. Well it did, and I took to her kids like anything. Her kids took to me too. It knocked me for 6 when she called time on us recently, and I've been confused, broken and in need of a pick me up since. Of course, as you shouldn't do, I asked why, and tried to make sense of it all. Her reason, that she couldn't move her and the kids down, when it would be so much easier for me to relocate. Too many daily obstacles. Of course, and I've told her since, if that was the main reason, ultimately, I would do it. Things were very promising, we were thinking about getting engaged towards the end of this year, as the connection was great and everything seemed to fit into place. That feeling you get when you've think you've met that special person, it's there. Believe me I've had many relationships in the past, but this one, even after only a year, stood out.

 

6 weeks on, and finally, yesterday, I took the decision to say I think it's time I stopped asking why, and she knows where I'll be, if she wants to talk. I still don't know if she feels anything anymore, as contact after the break up has been scarce. I've had the I miss you messages, I've had the I called to say hi, but it hasn't led to any reconciliation, or meetings. For me, I'm now forcing myself to not contact, (which I know I should have done a long time ago) to try and move on, even though I still love her very much, and miss her kids too.

 

It's baffling, and I don't see any logical reason behind it, as I thought a stable home would be what she was looking for, with the happiness we shared. Even the day I saw her last, things were great, and the few days before it.

 

I know you will all say don't contact, heal the pains, and forget about her, but it's still not easy. We shared a lot of other things which I won't get into, so it's hard to let go. I hope in time she realises that I only ever wanted to make her and her kids happy.

 

Tough times, and it's hard to forget.

 

Thanks for any advice...

 

ED

[mephisto]

If her and her kids mean anything to you, then you will stop contact.

Be persistence and lose them forever. You will kill all the attraction.

If she contacts you, take your time to think your replies and ultimately lay down what you want/need or dump the whole thing.

She is testing you, you just dont know it yet.

 

 

 

Hi all,

 

Yup, a newbie. Looking for advice, help, guidance really. My story is as below:

 

My G/F recently broke up with me, around 6 weeks back. We live nearly 200 miles apart, but always made the effort to see eachother every weekend. Things were good, in fact, they were great. A year together, holidays, meeting the family, new years, friends weddings, the lot. She is a mother of 3, I'm 30, she's 27.

 

Of course from day one, we had talked about one of us ultimately having to move if it were to become serious. Well it did, and I took to her kids like anything. Her kids took to me too. It knocked me for 6 when she called time on us recently, and I've been confused, broken and in need of a pick me up since. Of course, as you shouldn't do, I asked why, and tried to make sense of it all. Her reason, that she couldn't move her and the kids down, when it would be so much easier for me to relocate. Too many daily obstacles. Of course, and I've told her since, if that was the main reason, ultimately, I would do it. Things were very promising, we were thinking about getting engaged towards the end of this year, as the connection was great and everything seemed to fit into place. That feeling you get when you've think you've met that special person, it's there. Believe me I've had many relationships in the past, but this one, even after only a year, stood out.

 

6 weeks on, and finally, yesterday, I took the decision to say I think it's time I stopped asking why, and she knows where I'll be, if she wants to talk. I still don't know if she feels anything anymore, as contact after the break up has been scarce. I've had the I miss you messages, I've had the I called to say hi, but it hasn't led to any reconciliation, or meetings. For me, I'm now forcing myself to not contact, (which I know I should have done a long time ago) to try and move on, even though I still love her very much, and miss her kids too.

 

It's baffling, and I don't see any logical reason behind it, as I thought a stable home would be what she was looking for, with the happiness we shared. Even the day I saw her last, things were great, and the few days before it.

 

I know you will all say don't contact, heal the pains, and forget about her, but it's still not easy. We shared a lot of other things which I won't get into, so it's hard to let go. I hope in time she realises that I only ever wanted to make her and her kids happy.

 

Tough times, and it's hard to forget.

 

Thanks for any advice...

 

ED

[Edtheduck]

I know you're right, and as hard as it is I'm starting as of yesterday. Deep down I think she's moved on, already, as surprising as that is. And that's what hurts me more. It's like having the cherry on top, then some one coming and eating it in front of your face. I'm going to force myself to avoid contact, and when it gets too hard, post here, or just call a friend.

 

I find the whole thing bizarre, still, 6 weeks on.

 

 

 

If her and her kids mean anything to you, then you will stop contact.

Be persistence and lose them forever. You will kill all the attraction.

If she contacts you, take your time to think your replies and ultimately lay down what you want/need or dump the whole thing.

She is testing you, you just dont know it yet.

[mephisto]

When you say that you find the whole thing very bizarre is because you know deep down something is fishy...stay alert!!!!!

You should be happy at least you can see this,it will save you further pain.

Well done!!!

 

 

 

I know you're right, and as hard as it is I'm starting as of yesterday. Deep down I think she's moved on, already, as surprising as that is. And that's what hurts me more. It's like having the cherry on top, then some one coming and eating it in front of your face. I'm going to force myself to avoid contact, and when it gets too hard, post here, or just call a friend.

 

I find the whole thing bizarre, still, 6 weeks on.

[Edtheduck]

I'm fishy in that I just don't know why...no sense unless she genuinely started to lose interest weeks before that. And yet when we were together it never showed.

 

For the sake of her, and her kids, I'm letting go for now. If she wants to talk, I told her where I'd be, and she full well knows how I feel. It's strange that when you finally admit its not going to work out via a reconcile, it hurts so much more.

[Edtheduck]

Aaaargh the urge to txt or call. Must post here instead.

 

Killing me. Will power dammnit, will power.

[flitzanu]

wait, you offered to move to her AFTER she broke up with you, or before?

[Edtheduck]

After ultimately, as that was the reason she called time on us. (so she says anyway) it would have been easier for me to move instead of her kinda thing

 

In my attempts to communicate, I said if that was the main reason, for her, I would do it, as her and the kids mean everything. But nothing has happened and I'm as of Saturday, starting to not communicate again. I have to for me, else the last 6 weeks wouldn't have been drawn out as they have, and I'm sure I would be feeling much better than I am right now. She still is constantly in the mind, but I'm trying to take my mind off by being around friends and family. It doesn't help that I live by myself, around 30 minutes from all friends, so the thoughts do come back often when I get home from work

[flitzanu]

After ultimately, as that was the reason she called time on us. (so she says anyway) it would have been easier for me to move instead of her kinda thing

 

In my attempts to communicate, I said if that was the main reason, for her, I would do it, as her and the kids mean everything. But nothing has happened and I'm as of Saturday, starting to not communicate again. I have to for me, else the last 6 weeks wouldn't have been drawn out as they have, and I'm sure I would be feeling much better than I am right now. She still is constantly in the mind, but I'm trying to take my mind off by being around friends and family. It doesn't help that I live by myself, around 30 minutes from all friends, so the thoughts do come back often when I get home from work

 

well, it sucks dude, but honest opinion...that wasn't her entire reason. if it was literally as simple as "hey my issue is you haven't moved in with me, you should do that" she could have said it that way, and if she TRULY TRULY felt that strongly about things, she'd have said "oh ok let's do it".

 

again, it sucks, and i'm oversimplifying things, but my situation was a bit similar, except i was accused of the relationship not "progressing" or any signs of commitment, etc. so...i bought a ring and proposed, she said no. yet, that was what she told me "was all she wanted".

 

see what i'm getting at?

 

if it really was "all she wanted" (mine, or your case, moving in), a small amount of time into "a break" isn't long enough for them to still make you "beg" or "dance" for results. it means they've given you a reason, and you call their bluff, and now they want to refuse that you're really "changing" and being what they want.

 

my opinion you're doing the right thing by stepping back and pulling away. if offering didn't change her mind, there's likely little you'll be able to do that will.

[Edtheduck]

You're right, it does make sense. Ultimately if that's all she wanted, we wouldn't be where we are today, and none of this would still not make sense. I have realise within myself that's she's probably lost interest, not sure how, when, but she has.

 

I guess that's the hardest thing about it, accepting that loss. Every time

I feel like reaching out, I just think about how she ended it, and it makes me stronger. I feel for the kids, as it's not easy to get introduced to someone then have that person removed out of the picture.

 

I just hope she, whoever she finds, has the respect given to her and her kids. She's a brilliant mum, and I don't want anyone to take advantage of that. Miss her like crazy, but I'm sure it will pass in time.

 

Sucks

[flitzanu]

it really does suck man, especially getting attached to kids too. sometimes all you can do is wish them the best.

[Edtheduck]

An update for everyone

 

Today marks 2 months since I last officially saw my ex. In that time NC has been broken several times, on both sides. Things seem to have moved on quite quickly for her, as I'm pretty sure she is seeing someone now, even though she doesn't think I know. I was doing well with NC up until last Monday, when I received a txt saying she wanted to send my ring back to me. This is a ring I used to wear and gave it to her to show my commitment to get married.

 

I replied last week saying do what you feels right, and left it. Saturday today, no more contact since that day and yet to receive the ring. I'm sure I will soon.

 

Is this a case of GIGS and a rebound relationship? All I know is I still think about her daily, though the pain is less now. Of course I still have feelings, but by deleting the number it forces me to not send anything anymore. Why should I? She's not interested.

 

Why is it that women move on so quickly? Her having kids too, I hope she's thought long and hard about what she's doing.

 

Next week will be 2 months since we broke up. Truly sad.

[flitzanu]

that's the area dumpees don't see. she didn't move on quickly. she moved on long before she left you.

 

we get dumped and deal with it when it happens. dumpers have already worked it out and cleared their heads mentally, so there's no "grieving" stage for them, they've already done that.

 

as for the ring, do you honestly want it? would you even wear it again? if she wants to send it back and you can stand to lose it or not care, then just tell her to trash it. my opinion she's trying to use it for some symbolism. but also, yeah, if it was that special and she's wanting to give it back? it's definitely time to cut all ties and go full NC.

[Edtheduck]

Hey dude,

 

How's you?

 

I don't know what the significance of returning the ring is? Maybe it's a reminder to her of what might have been, maybe she just doesn't wanna see it anymore. I haven't received it yet, but I'm sure I will.

 

Like you say, and you're dead right, I don't think I'd want to wear it anymore if it returned. The day she flew back early from our holiday, I gave it to her. I'll me we forget that day as it was one of them...you're leaving, I know I'll see you soon, but here's to remind me of you while I stay here for an extra week kinda thing. It meant more of course after.

 

I've cut contact, that was the last time I heard from her this time last week. Like I say I'm sure she is seeing someone. That to me sounds like a rebound, and I know he's not near her, pretty much the same distance I was away to her. I just find it bizarre, but thats women and the whole thing.

 

 

I dunno, I still miss her, daily. She still comes into my mind daily. A little of me deep deep down really hopes she comes back to me in time. But I don't think she will. I'm getting there, but I certainly have my ups and downs. I just can't forget her, even though the reminders of her are all gone now.

[barese1]

Mate I feel your pain, just keep strong NC, try not to dwell (hardest thing in my opinion) and keep us updated. 2 weeks NC lets see how we're doing at the month mark

[Edtheduck]

Mate I feel your pain, just keep strong NC, try not to dwell (hardest thing in my opinion) and keep us updated. 2 weeks NC lets see how we're doing at the month mark

 

Thanks dude. I am trying. My mind does wander and I should stop it from doing so. It pisses me off that even my father, who has always been straight to the point with everything in my life, has had a heart to heart with me and said you really loved this lady didn't you.

 

Yes dad, I did. I still do. Plans were set for the future. The future looks like a blank canvas at the moment.

[Edtheduck]

WELL there you go.

 

8 days into NC, 8 weeks after our BU

 

A txt received, I didn't recognise the number as I had deleted it.

 

"You ok? x"

 

Leave it....? I think so. It's breadcrumbs and I know it. I know she is seeing someone.

 

Am I ok? How the **** do you think I am?

 

Why do people play games.

[barese1]

Mate its a tough one. When I BU the ex texted me those kinds of things, we were broken up for about 3 weeks before I initiated NC.

 

They do this, they know you're hurting and they know that it was because of their actions that we are in pain. There's no point in replying. I say this but I did before initiating NC and truthfully it just doesn't help. It is breadcrumbs and nothing positive will come of it.

 

I guess you either ignore it, which will hurt for a bit but will be for the best, reply with something simple like fine hope you're good too, or just state blankly don't contact me I'm trying to move on.

 

Keep strong dude

[Edtheduck]

I hear ya.

 

I had the same thing weeks ago and replied, and it got me nowhere.

 

This time it's different, as she has clearly moved on and I've kept quiet.

 

The funny thing is I have a date on Saturday, so I just don't know what to think right now. The amount of times I tried after the BU and texts went in answered, why should I reply?

 

It really angers me. I'm fuming right now

[Edtheduck]

I did txt back,

 

simply with I'm ok thanks, hope you're well.

 

Got a simple answer back, and we're done.

 

I don't feel any different, it doesnt hurt any more than when I was on NC. I feel the same.

 

I guess that means I'm slowly on the mend. Odd emotions I have to say.

[Edtheduck]

Hey,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my life story! Lol

 

The kids don't really faze me at all, I've always loved them and can't wait to have my own one day. I'm young ish, but at 31 next month in mature enough to want a family now.

 

2 of them are by one father, the eldest by another. The eldest was when she was quite young and she didn't know until it was too late. Of course she's never regretted since. The fathers play a role, in that they support them and take them from time to time at the weekend. She has a close knit family unit too so everyone chips in to help.

 

I'm quite independent, I live by myself, I'm close to my family too. I don't rely on anyone really. I know I fell hard for her though.

 

She took to me well, at the start she withheld the kids from meeting me and that's understandable. But when I did finally meet them, they took to me so quickly, and to be fair I took to them.

 

Her last ex was a fool, she caught him cheating on her years back. She hasn't been with many people. But now, 2 months on from us, when it was at the time looking well, she's with someone else. I always backed her up, with the ex's too. She was supportive of me too, with the distance.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Edtheduck]

What do you mean by not being truthful?

 

About her? Her past? Her feelings? Or now...?

 

I honestly think the girl still has feelings for me, and this new faze is purely a rebound. But I really just don't want to know, and don't want to think about it. I'm getting better, and the NC did help a lot most recently.

 

The txt yesterday I've no doubt was a guilt issue. She knows I was cut up about the whole thing.

 

I just think its sad, as the kids need a fatherly figure, and they had that with me. Of course with her, the bond was strong but here I am now.

 

I'm better I should add. Much better. It just baffles me

[Edtheduck]

Of course, it doesn't seem like a justified reason at all for ending things.

 

There's one thing she said which was just after, and that always sticks with me. She wasn't herself, she wasn't as glam as she was anymore, she didn't feel herself. She's a very pretty lady with an amazing figure. Hard to believe she has kids. Maybe the routine of daily life with someone made her settle down, and she didn't like it. God knows. In the aftermath I did try and resolve issues. At times she wanted to know, others she didn't even respond.

 

That to me sounds like someone who is truly confused what the hell they want.

 

I've let it rest in my mind, and what feelings I do currently have I'm sure will go in time. It's the first time in my life I've committed to being committed, and with the kids, that's a burden I was prepared to take on.

 

I honestly don't think she will find a person out there who would have looked after her and the kids as much as me, but as they say.....

 

Cest la vie.

[Edtheduck]

Hurting tonight. Thinking of my ex. Thinking of my ex with her new man in her life.

 

Pit in stomach and probably won't be able to sleep. Early night it has to be.

 

I hate feeling this way, while she is smiling away and happy. Want to cry, will try not to.

 

I miss "us", not her. Terrible, terrible feeling. 8 weeks exact since the break up in 2 days.

 

Hate everything right now, without her here.

[Edtheduck]

So I went on my date today.

 

For the first time in a long time I was confident again, chatty, smiley, happy. She was stunning, attractive, bubbly, intelligent, smart.

 

Who knows how it went, I doubt she will want to go out again. She's too good for me.

 

All I know is, after returning home now, my mind switches back to my ex, and knowing she is with her new man, just makes it worse.

 

I wouldn't even call it mixed emotions. I know I miss my ex, our good times, and her physical presence around me. I hope it gets easier. Tomorrow = 8 weeks exact since the BU. I've thought of her 80-90% of the time every day since that day.

 

I hope the new lady wants to go out again. It may help me move on. The question is, do I really want to?