Hero to Zero

[Radu]

Hey,

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my life story! Lol

 

The kids don't really faze me at all, I've always loved them and can't wait to have my own one day. I'm young ish, but at 31 next month in mature enough to want a family now.

 

2 of them are by one father, the eldest by another. The eldest was when she was quite young and she didn't know until it was too late. Of course she's never regretted since. The fathers play a role, in that they support them and take them from time to time at the weekend. She has a close knit family unit too so everyone chips in to help.

 

I'm quite independent, I live by myself, I'm close to my family too. I don't rely on anyone really. I know I fell hard for her though.

 

She took to me well, at the start she withheld the kids from meeting me and that's understandable. But when I did finally meet them, they took to me so quickly, and to be fair I took to them.

 

Her last ex was a fool, she caught him cheating on her years back. She hasn't been with many people. But now, 2 months on from us, when it was at the time looking well, she's with someone else. I always backed her up, with the ex's too. She was supportive of me too, with the distance.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

1- the reason for the breakup was just that, a reason. GIGS, other guy, affair, cheating ... does it really matter ?

2- she is 27, and has 3 kids by 2 different men. That there should scare the **** out of you.

3- she has a close-knit family ... that there should scare you as well. That's clanlike family, which no matter how much she ****s up [and she did ... with you ... the stable guy and with the 2 guys she has kids with], someone will be there to take responsability for her

4- it's not a damsel in distress scenario because the knight is her family, so she can just screw around

5- she brought up talk of the ring to keep open the lines of communication. You will see this in women [no offense gals], they are not so willing to burn bridges and will keep you on the backburner.

I will also go out on the limb and say that she had a 2nd guy lined up when she broke up with you.

That's because she doesn't need a man to support her [her clan is there for that], and so the only need she might have is a sexual/emotional need.

6- you seem like a nice guy [not many guys would go over the 3 kids thing and focus on the woman in a nonjudgemental way], but in the future be very carefull of women who introduce kids very early in relationships. Shows bad motherhood.

 

Fellar, you dodged quite a huge bullet here with this future cuckholdress [look it up].

 

If she contacts again, say 'i'm waiting on ring' if the ring is precious to you.

If not, cut all, she will use the ring as an excuse.

 

Have you honestly never been with a girl who leaves stuff around your apartment, kinda marking her territory and who will ask for her 'useless' [not important] stuff just so that she can check up on you ?

Edited June 16, 2012 by Radu

[Edtheduck]

I can't say I have been with a woman like that before! I do have some of her stuff lying around, but it's all in the cleaning room and locked away so I don't see it.

 

Some pretty to the point statements there. I refuse to believe she had another person lined up before we broke up, as I know her too well for that. The other stuff, maybe you're right. She's basically got everything she needs from life, with her kids, now she just gets what she wants, when she wants it.

 

In her defence she is the best mum, and cares for her kids more than anyone would. Her kids always come first. In terms of men, she always used to say she was the bridesmaid and never the bride, so something in me still tells me she wanted to settle down. What happened with me and her, who knows how to explain that. It really seemed like it was from hero to zero all of a sudden.

 

I don't tend to over analyse it anymore, as it was at the start of April. I just hope we both find happiness. I am a genuinely nice guy, and I hold no grudges on anyone. I've been brought up well, and have morals which included forgiving, learning to accept people for who and how they are, and making the most of life as you just don't know what's around the corner.

 

My family values sucked me in to the envionment with her and her kids, and I would have more than happily supported them. Only with the love and constant communication of my ex of course.

 

Each day as it comes. Life's not easy, everyone has situations which require hard work, effort, commitment and trust. I guess in her case, some of these traits were, and are lacking right now.

[Radu]

I'll try expand on the 2 things you touched on.

 

Women generally do not leave a relationship without having a plan.

Now, that plan might be a new guy, a new relationship, or just simply a new type of lifestyle.

But they will always have a plan before they give you the 'good-bye', it's just their nature.

I think Tyler Perry said it best about the 2 birds who share a nest. One day the female bird decides to move out, but she doesn't just moves out.

She takes one stick at a time and moves every day a little bit to the other side of town.

She makes a new nest there, and when she's done, she will leave.

They always have a new branch they are holding onto when they drop the bomb, that's how they are.

 

2nd, it's not good for small children to be introduced to many many boyfriends over when the relationship is not yet proven to at least last somewhat.

Many mature women prefer to introduce their bf's to their kids later in the relationship, read 6months with some as high up as 8-9.

If she introduced 3 impresionable children to someone with whom the relationship she did not knew it would last, than that's bad parenting.

That is their forming yrs, you do not want to introduce a slew of men you hardly know into their lives.

Some women who have kids in fact use the kids to validate themselves in the world, and judging by what you wrote of this woman i would suspect her of that as well.

In which case she is most interested in looking like a good mother, than actually being a good mother ... keep in mind she has a good support network there.

 

Bottom line, this woman sounds like a lot of problems, and i applaud you for moving on.

[Edtheduck]

I completely agree with you about the kids. I feel so sorry for them. The daughter has always been shy with anyone she meets, and only trusts very close family members. Yet she trusted me, and I'm wondering why my ex let me get so close to them if ultimately she didn't see a future.

 

Kids need a stable home environment, and constant love and attention. By exposing them to different faces, it can't be helping their upbringing.

 

I'm trying to look at the whole picture here, not judge her past or indeed the home comforts she has.

 

I'm trying to move on. As I keep telling myself, the pain has gone, the memories and feelings still remain.

 

2 months tomorrow.

[Edtheduck]

2 months today since my ex BU with me.

 

It's going to be a tough day, as Sundays are always the worst. It's 8:21 am, I've just woken up, and I'm thinking of her

 

I hope the day gets better. I don't think I'll be able to cope otherwise. I will NOT break NC too. I am much stronger now.

 

The memories are, however, coming flooding back. Bad day

[Edtheduck]

Have to vent.

 

Just been thrown another breadcrumb via txt.

 

I've not replied to it.

 

Why do this now?! It just upsets me, especially while I'm at work.

 

For ****s sake.

[Mack05]

Ed are you really a duck?

 

Some dumpers are selfish. They don't realize what their actions effect the dumpee. They reach out cause they are probably lonely/vulnerable. Keep NC and stay strong..Try get out for some fresh air after work. Walk/Run get rid of the frustration in the right way..

[Edtheduck]

Haha I'm not a duck! You must remember Ed the Duck being from the UK?

 

Yea it seems she's very selfish and more than likely doing it to boost her ego again. God knows.

 

I won't reply, don't see why I should unless it's something meaningful like "I've made a bloody mistake, I'm ready to put **** right...etc etc"

 

w o m e n ! ! ! !

[Mack05]

South of London is VERY South. Much closer to Africa then England :-). Good job to sticking to NC. Maybe its guilt, lonelyness, vulnerabilty all of the above. It doesn't matter..Try not let is get to you so much..She can't control her actions only your own..

[Edtheduck]

Found out what it was...

 

She wants to pick her stuff up one day and drop my stuff back.

 

Oh great. May as well post the damn things back as I know what I'll be like if I see her...

[Edtheduck]

Hi all,

 

Need a bit of advice here, from both dumpers and dumpees.

 

Ended up speaking to my ex yesterday after what seems an age. The convo was good, jokes, smiles, and light hearted. I switched it over to her asking to come and get her stuff back, and said if she wanted to she can any time. I also said if she was seeing someone I didn't really care and she said she wasn't...?! Hmm ok. Don't know about that.

 

Now where it went weird was near the end, as she just started crying her eyes out and I could hear it. I didn't question too much, just said if she wanted to talk she could at any point.

 

After putting the phone down, I txt her and said I didnt know what that was all about, but I admitted that I still think of her every day. Her words in response, were that she thinks of me all the time. I've just left it at she knows where I am, and if she wants to talk she can do. The choice is hers, and I won't chase.

 

I'm not reading into it too much, but I don't know if a) this is her way of trying to talk to me. (she's the most stubborn person I know and always plays it hard) or b) it's more breadcrumbs to ease her guilt.

 

Why else would she want her things back? She even passed the phone to her youngest son and he remembered my name, and said come back lol.

 

Thoughts? I'm much stronger these days and not reading into it too much, but it does baffle me.

Edited June 20, 2012 by Edtheduck

[wilsonx]

Donating my Captain Save a Hoe Suit To a Good Home This Summer

 

Its too hot outside to be running around in it for me. Cool design, great colors and it breaths really well. The cape really sets it apart from the others, if you ask me.

 

The suit even has "SUPERPOWERS"!

 

It protects you from logic, reason, sanity, peace, wisdom, understanding, healing, and acceptance.

 

However, I did find out that it doesn't protect you from YOURSELF, from being a fool, losing your dignity, destroying you self-esteem, crushing your self-worth, misery, sorrow, heartache, pain, torture and from self inflicted wounds.

 

Worn it for the past couple of years, Its in excellent condition as are most super hero costumes

 

If interested, I will have it dry cleaned and gladly ship it at no charge to you. The sooner I get rid of the damn thing, the better!

[Ruby65]

IF she wants to get back together, she'll say so.

 

Everything else is breadcrumbs.

 

Making arrangements to pick up her stuff? That's not even close to "I made the biggest mistake of my life and want to get back together with you."

 

She found the words to break up with you. She would find the words to reconcile if she wanted to do that.

 

Why was she crying? Probably due to a combination of her feeling guilty -- and feeling sorry for herself -- and probably mostly for appearances (not wanting to look like a heartless person).

 

Lots of times women cry just to be comforted and assured that everything's fine. She probably needed validation from you that she was still a good person in your eyes even after having treated you so badly.

 

For her to cry in front of her youngest child and actually put him on the phone with you is just totally inappropriate and kind of sickens me as a mom. That tells me there's a real lack of emotional maturity with this woman. You don't involve your kids in those types of situations, you certainly don't put them on the phone with someone they're missing and let them say "come back".... that's just abusive to the child.

 

Anyhow -- these kinds of mixed messages/breadcrumbs are why it's so important to stick to NC!

 

Easier said than done, right?

 

I'd box up her stuff and ship it to her and maintain NC from now on.

[Edtheduck]

Some pretty condemning things said there!

 

I know what you're saying about someone to rescue her, make her feel good again etc. who knows if I could have been that or not, but she's not a hoe. That to me is a little harsh without having met the person.

 

 

In terms of the phone call, the poor little one is only 2, can barely speak yet calls my name when she knows I'm on the phone to her. I did say at the time that's up to your mum if he wants to say hi lol. I love kids, I know they are aware and exposed to emotions, people, places.

 

I don't know, while everyone thinks I should steer well clear, I don't know if it's her away of saying, I'm an arse, talk to me. It's not fair on the kids I know.

 

All I know is I kept to NC strict for the last 2 weeks, yet had to respond yesterday as it involved both my and her stuff. She has been on the mind today, she would be after that last night.

 

I'm being realistic right now. She hasn't said sorry, she hasn't said she wants me back, she hasn't said she still has feelings. That to me means more NC. All I know is I told her way back that if she was confident in herself, without being as stubborn as she is (and my god she is) she could open up and talk to me.

 

Who knows where it will go next. I will stick

To what I've done in the last two weeks. She knows exactly where I stand. People say hide your emotions and how you are really thinking. I say **** that. If someone truly believes you are meant to be together, the emotions will dictate what they do.

 

I'll keep everyone posted with more developments soon...I'm sure something will happen.

 

Thanks all

[flitzanu]

Some pretty condemning things said there!

 

I know what you're saying about someone to rescue her, make her feel good again etc. who knows if I could have been that or not, but she's not a hoe. That to me is a little harsh without having met the person.

 

 

In terms of the phone call, the poor little one is only 2, can barely speak yet calls my name when she knows I'm on the phone to her. I did say at the time that's up to your mum if he wants to say hi lol. I love kids, I know they are aware and exposed to emotions, people, places.

 

I don't know, while everyone thinks I should steer well clear, I don't know if it's her away of saying, I'm an arse, talk to me. It's not fair on the kids I know.

 

All I know is I kept to NC strict for the last 2 weeks, yet had to respond yesterday as it involved both my and her stuff. She has been on the mind today, she would be after that last night.

 

I'm being realistic right now. She hasn't said sorry, she hasn't said she wants me back, she hasn't said she still has feelings. That to me means more NC. All I know is I told her way back that if she was confident in herself, without being as stubborn as she is (and my god she is) she could open up and talk to me.

 

Who knows where it will go next. I will stick

To what I've done in the last two weeks. She knows exactly where I stand. People say hide your emotions and how you are really thinking. I say **** that. If someone truly believes you are meant to be together, the emotions will dictate what they do.

 

I'll keep everyone posted with more developments soon...I'm sure something will happen.

 

Thanks all

 

dude.

 

DON'T.

 

here's the thing, yes, we are all your biggest critics, and we do it out of love. us calling you "dumb" is our way of saying we know it's difficult to ignore what the heart tells you to do, but let us be your voice of reason right now.

 

obviously you're a heartful character and you want to believe the best in this girl, but she doesn't have your best interest in mind. she's being a selfish brat.

 

you don't think girls use their emotions to their advantage? she cries one tear (i know, more than one) and she's got you all twisted up right?

 

yet...there's not one single word that YOU can say to her that will get a similar reaction.

 

breakups hurt, doesn't mean that she wants anythng to do with you, it ONLY MEANS SHE'S UPSET.

 

her being upset is not your problem. she's emotionally stringing you along.

[wilsonx]

She's a hoe, get over it. If someone hurts you and they care for you, they apologize. My post is spot on.

 

Women don't want a super hero. They want men that stand up for themselves, dont validate themselves to women, dont try to rescue them or fix their problems.

 

Are you hurt, hell yes you are but me holding your hand and singing kumbahyah around the campfire isnt going to make you see that your actions are not smart.

[Edtheduck]

Oh believe me I'm sticking to NC, I haven't initiated anything over the last 2 weeks. Just been a sucker for responding about the stuff. I think that's the only way she knew I would, as I had previously ignored a call and txt.

 

Like I said, the only way anything will be resolved is if she openly admits to have made a mistake, and apologises face to face. Even then I would have to think long and hard about it, as I would never want to go through the emotional train wreck I went through 2 months ago.

 

I'm strong, and doing well people. Don't worry!

[Stanza]

Ed, I think this woman doesn't know what she's given up yet, you're clearly very good for her and the kids.

 

Regarding the conversation, from what I can see, so the female view and also from what I've been reading up on since my own situation, this is more than a breadcrumb. I think it's very deep that she cried on the phone. However I think she doesn't know what she wants yet. And, she could also be nervous as to what you want. I think from your side you have to do what you've done - she can call you and she should know the door hasn't fully closed on your side but that she needs more time I guess to do so.

 

Stay strong

[Edtheduck]

Hey Stanza, you're here now lol

 

TBH, I don't think the girl knows what she wants, but I'm still sticking to my guns and remaining NC. She knows everything she needs to know about where I am, and how I feel. The rest is, and will always be up to her. I mean come on, it's not hard to pick up the phone and say sorry if she's really regretting the decision. Until that comes, I'll carry on getting stronger, which I am!

 

The crying...bizarre. Bit of guilt and mind games there I think. Shame she never cried the day she said we were no more! See what I'm getting at.

 

It's always easier to take the easy option. If she's thinking about me all the time, she can eventually go one step further, and say why.

 

Friday tomorrow, I'll be out enjoying myself. I'm getting back to me....!

[Stanza]

I do find the crying bizarre, it's like she let her guard down. I'm not sure she knows what she's doing.

 

But you seem to be moving forward a lot, which is great, your date sounded nice too. I think we should keep moving on, but always have in the back of our minds what we'd do if something changes.

 

I just got a text, I'm too scared to open it.

[Edtheduck]

I think the same too. I don't know what she was doing but I found it odd. She showed no emotion when ending things so why now? Guilt?

 

It did make my mind wonder and I've been thinking of her a lot more since

 

Oh no....did you open it?! What did it say?!

[Edtheduck]

So today marks the 3rd birthday of my ex's youngest child (the one I spoke to during the week randomly)

 

What do I do? Remain NC as I have been for nearly 3 weeks? Or say happy bday?

 

I have to be honest and say since that call she's been on my mind SO much more. But I haven't acted on it.....

[Ruby65]

Please try to keep the kids out of this breakup. They're aware of much more than you think!

 

Birthdays, holidays, promotions, returning their stuff......... really there's never a valid reason for breaking NC, just excuses to rationalize making contact.

 

Unless there's a death in the family or someone's in the hospital, I'd vote NO!

[Edtheduck]

Yea I've decided to leave it, it's not my place really to say it.

 

Not a nice day today, feeling quite lonely and thinking of her a lot. Don't know why, I was doing really well recently.

 

Need to keep busy

[Stanza]

It's just the rollercoaster, Ed. You are doing fab. Honest. I think it's best to leave it. If it were her birthday maybe a short text but agree on keeping the kids out of it. If she ever questions that you didn't you can say you wanted to keep the kids out of it.

 

I opened it, it was asking something unimportant and didn't mention the engagement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So have to reply at some point. Haven't yet. Am a bit non-plussed.