rach24680 Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 short and sweet. me and bf been together 4 years. im 22 hes 26. after 2 years he cheated - we worked it out. ever since cheating, we have sex about once a month, if that (always on his terms and initiated by me). recently we had a "break" as i saw his emails and he was signed up to porn sites and dating sites which you have to pay for - he denied any knowledge and said it wasnt him so i TRUSTED him and left it - to this day were still together and i dont know the truth about that. i guess my questions are: 1.) can guys just "go off" sex? hes no problems cuddling and kissing and sayin he loves me. whenever i talk to him about it he says hes tired through work. is this just an excuse? 2.)what do you think about the dating sites? i know iv let this one go with him, but it keeps coming back and bothering me, i wonder wether hes getting his kicks online with girls instead of with me? advice appreciated thanks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 At his age, he should still be bang up for action. I'd confront him as regards why he is not initiating sex. Since you initiate it...why don't you initiate it every weekend at least? Maybe he's on some medication that is dampening his libido. Maybe he has been jacking off to porn for longer than you realise and its effected his desire. Maybe he genuinely is tired from work, but most gf's would hope thats only a temporary situation (+ why not sat nite sex), otherwise their sex life is not going to get any better as time goes on would it. As for the dating site. I assume you saw an email that was specifically addressed to him confirming subscription, and not some spam email that ended up in his inbox saying click on link for introductory 'free' membership to xxx site. Have a gf, log on to the dating site and search for him, and if she finds a profile with his photo, there's your proof. If he has signed up, I'd say he wants more than just getting his kicks online..also offline. Sounds like he's just treading water with you, he's cozy having a gf to hang out with, but you don't inspire him, and he's looking for that spark on the side or likely a replacement that he can just hop straight into a new relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 short and sweet. me and bf been together 4 years. im 22 hes 26. after 2 years he cheated - we worked it out. ever since cheating, we have sex about once a month, if that (always on his terms and initiated by me). recently we had a "break" as i saw his emails and he was signed up to porn sites and dating sites which you have to pay for - he denied any knowledge and said it wasnt him so i TRUSTED him and left it - to this day were still together and i dont know the truth about that. i guess my questions are: 1.) can guys just "go off" sex? hes no problems cuddling and kissing and sayin he loves me. whenever i talk to him about it he says hes tired through work. is this just an excuse? 2.)what do you think about the dating sites? i know iv let this one go with him, but it keeps coming back and bothering me, i wonder wether hes getting his kicks online with girls instead of with me? advice appreciated thanks!!! 1) No, unless he goes through some major thing that changes his hormone balance like surgery or a new treatment he's receiving. Unless, of course, he had this low libido from the beginning, than it just means it's who he is. 2) Oh, that's an easy one: He is getting his kicks from other women, yes. You let him go, again, so I guess you made up your mind about sticking to this guy, so good luck to you, you'll need it. P.S. You can't change him, I hope you realize, so it's not like if you'll stick by his side, and show him love that he will eventually choose you. Seriously, some women... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 1.) can guys just "go off" sex? No, but they can get their kicks elsewhere. Either another person or porn. hes no problems cuddling and kissing and sayin he loves me. whenever i talk to him about it he says hes tired through work. is this just an excuse? Yes. 2.)what do you think about the dating sites? I think if he loved you or had any respect for you whatsoever then he would not be on dating sites. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach24680 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 yea thanks guys, i know that the sights are ones that you have to pay for, but they dont have his pictures on them. but i have seen the subsription "welcome to ...blah blah blah.." messages. He just told me its not hard to guess his passwords and he only goes on his emails to check bills etc, and he says he hasnt even seen these emails, although they have been clicked on and "marked as read". He was up for sex all the time for 2 years, then suddenly changed. If i initiate sex every week I get quite annoyed and a bit upset when he refuses me, it knocks my confidence, and not to blow my own trumpet, but im quite a good looking easy going girl, I get hit on in work quite a bit. Half the time i feel like taking these guys up on their offers - not through wanting to cheat on my bf but just for some attention!! - ****ty I know. Why would he stay with me tho if hes looking for something else? or do you think hes just a coward and doesnt wana finish it cos weve been together 4 years? Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 short and sweet. me and bf been together 4 years. im 22 hes 26. after 2 years he cheated - we worked it out. ever since cheating, we have sex about once a month, if that (always on his terms and initiated by me). recently we had a "break" as i saw his emails and he was signed up to porn sites and dating sites which you have to pay for - he denied any knowledge and said it wasnt him so i TRUSTED him and left it - to this day were still together and i dont know the truth about that. i guess my questions are: 1.) can guys just "go off" sex? hes no problems cuddling and kissing and sayin he loves me. whenever i talk to him about it he says hes tired through work. is this just an excuse? 2.)what do you think about the dating sites? i know iv let this one go with him, but it keeps coming back and bothering me, i wonder wether hes getting his kicks online with girls instead of with me? advice appreciated thanks!!! I wouldn't know about your first question. I do however have a suspicion he is jerking off instead of doing it with you [with porn]. On what you said though, about the cheating. You forgave him once, but did you really make him work for it, for reconciliation or did you just bury it deep down ? I suspect you just buried it, which would be akin to letting him off the hook for it. It can take up to 2-5yrs to forgive something like this, and you will never forget it. It keeps coming back in your thought, nagging you, because deep down you know the answer, you know it ... he betrayed your trust twice. Maybe once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater, but what does it mean for twice ? PS: You need to start respecting yourself, i suspect the less sex and the porn stuff has started to affect your self-esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Why would he stay with me tho if hes looking for something else? or do you think hes just a coward and doesnt wana finish it cos weve been together 4 years? And why would you wanna stay with a guy who doesn't wanna torn the cloths off you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach24680 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 And why would you wanna stay with a guy who doesn't wanna torn the cloths off you? because i'd like to believe that a relationship isn't all about sex. Yea I know it's a big part and don't get me wrong, I am upset at the fact of it, but I know that a few relationships this does happen to. I just don't know if it's due to the same reasons; lack of sexual interest? cheating? I don't know. If this has happened to anyone and they know why, and what the outcome was i'd love to hear from you! Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 because i'd like to believe that a relationship isn't all about sex. Yea I know it's a big part and don't get me wrong, I am upset at the fact of it, but I know that a few relationships this does happen to. I just don't know if it's due to the same reasons; lack of sexual interest? cheating? I don't know. If this has happened to anyone and they know why, and what the outcome was i'd love to hear from you! It's a chain of things that build a RS and if a single link is broken the whole chain is worthless. Besides, your OP contains mostly info regarding sex: -he cheated -he registed on porn websites that require payment -he doesn't initiate sex -you have sex once a month -you wondered if he gets off other girls 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach24680 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 yea because this is the only thing that seems to be 'broken' in our relationship. Is it stupid to be so bothered just about sex then? Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 yea because this is the only thing that seems to be 'broken' in our relationship. Is it stupid to be so bothered just about sex then? Nope, of course it is not stupid. Sex is a big aspect in a RS (assuming both are not asexual). You need what you need and moreover, you know he also needs it (you guys used to sleep more often in the past, correct?) and since he isn't getting it from you, he's getting it from somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach24680 Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 Yea, thats true. Yea we used to have sex all the time. So if i confont him again and he says its due to work stress and nothing changes, would i be a bitch for ending it over that? Might i also add, hes drunk every fri sat and sum which are the only days i stay at his house, so maybe this is partly to blame Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 So if i confont him again and he says its due to work stress and nothing changes, would i be a bitch for ending it over that? If it's true, then yes. But is it true, really? No of course it's not, anyone with eyes can see that. You should not dump him because he's tired and stressed. You should dump him because he is quite obviously lying about these porn and dating sites, getting his sexual tensions relieved elsewhere, and hiding this from you. He is not an honest person. Might i also add, hes drunk every fri sat and sum which are the only days i stay at his house, so maybe this is partly to blame Or maybe this another of the symptoms, not the cause? Link to post Share on other sites
NervisPervis Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 If he was the perfect man, I'd say you're too young (been with him since 18). But he's not the perect man, is he? No, there are a few million in this country ALONE that you can choose from. And I know you say sex isn't the only thing in a relationship, but it is important. If he's not all over you at 26 and 22, imagine what it will be like at 46 and 42. But you're right. It won't get that far. He'll find someone else on one of thise dating sites to replace you. He'll be fine. It's you I'm worried about. You're too young to give yourself to someone that doesn't worship you. It WON'T get better after you marry. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 Yea, thats true. Yea we used to have sex all the time. So if i confont him again and he says its due to work stress and nothing changes, would i be a bitch for ending it over that? Might i also add, hes drunk every fri sat and sum which are the only days i stay at his house, so maybe this is partly to blame Unless you are telling me he's working 16hours a day, I don't see how it can stop you from sleeping with one another. Moreover, sex is known to help with tension, so if anything, if he has a few hours at home after work, than what better thing can he do than have sex with you??? Not to mention the work-free weekends, which he chooses to spend with friends, drunk. You could EASILY sleep once a week, but you are saying it's once a month... ??? Waste of time. You can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach24680 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Share Posted May 22, 2012 Thanks professor x you've been a great help. Now i know im.not bejing daft!! =) Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 hes drunk every fri sat and sum which are the only days i stay at his house, so maybe this is partly to blame Don't underestimate the impact of this, on the big picture. Wow... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach24680 Posted May 22, 2012 Author Share Posted May 22, 2012 Don't underestimate the impact of this, on the big picture. Wow... oh no i'm definately not. But if he wants to spend the only time he gets to see me - and possibly have sex with me - getting drunk and falling asleep instead of being with me, I don't know why he wants me? He knows I know there's a problem and he tells me there's not apart from stress. If it was due to the drink and he wanted to make me happy then he'd spend some time with me instead of drinking all the time. Right? Or do you think i'm being a bit unreasonable? Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 oh no i'm definately not. But if he wants to spend the only time he gets to see me - and possibly have sex with me - getting drunk and falling asleep instead of being with me, I don't know why he wants me? He knows I know there's a problem and he tells me there's not apart from stress. If it was due to the drink and he wanted to make me happy then he'd spend some time with me instead of drinking all the time. Right? Or do you think i'm being a bit unreasonable? Look, you're doing a classic mistake. You keep asking questions about him. What about you? Why do you want a guy who prefers getting drunk and fall asleep than be with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rach24680 Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 I know, I know it sounds shallow, I think i'm just scared of being on my own. After being with someone for so long you know. But I suppose i'm already on my own with a guy that acts like that!! Link to post Share on other sites
pillowcase Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 I know, I know it sounds shallow, I think i'm just scared of being on my own. After being with someone for so long you know. But I suppose i'm already on my own with a guy that acts like that!! Its much better to be alone than to have your self-esteem gradually Andy Dufresne'd away by a guy who clearly hasn't got the stones to end it by himself and is waiting on you to do it. If you were in my city I'd take you out on the town and make you feel like a damn princess. As it is, the next time a guy chats you up, take him up on the offer. And by the by, alone does not = lonely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 24, 2012 Share Posted May 24, 2012 I know, I know it sounds shallow, I think i'm just scared of being on my own. After being with someone for so long you know. But I suppose i'm already on my own with a guy that acts like that!! 1. You have nothing to be afraid of, you said you're an attractive lady, and so you should have men pouring on you. It's raining men you know 2. Better be alone than with a guy like him 3. The longer you stay with him the worse you'll feel and the harder it will get to get back on your feet and be your old self again. Just saying, you'll do yourself a favor ending it now than in a year from now. Your self-esteem will be destroyed if it is not already. 4. As pillowcase said, alone =/= lonely. 5. You can't change him, I hope you know that much. Link to post Share on other sites
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