EX, new GF and ME

[fishman3226]

Hiya guys and gals. I have a quandry.

 

I had a girlfriend all of last year - a woman that i still think of as 'the one.' We broke up in February (she left me.) I had a few trials about this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t37803/15-1

 

Ultimately I met another woman and we got together. I KNOW in my head this woman is better in alot of ways but I keep thinking about the ex. Obviously I aint completely over the ex, but i am beginning to wonder.

 

The ex works in my building and over the course of the past week she contacted me again. Initially I ignored the calls but she persisted. In the end I relented and sent her a SMS saying 'hi - i will send you an email.' A plain simple 'how you doing' kind of thing. I got reply back so I asked how is her counselling going.

 

Anyhow, next thing i know I get this email about how she is all different from when we were together and a better person and how she made some mistakes. I replied that I am happy she is getting better and that I still think highly of her.

 

Anyhow, where i work there is a window overlooking a foyer. I work behind this window. My mate turns to me and points out my ex standing there looking up at the place where I work. Not a glance but she was talking to someone and it got to the point where her friend asked what was happening. You cannot be seen unless you are against the window so I know she could not see me. It was like she wanted me to show myself.

 

Now again i have in my head about me and her. I thought i was getting over her but I am now thinking about her. I know she is the one I want to be with in honesty. I am still in love with her I think. I want to know if it is a possibility, and if it is - what then?

 

The new GF is everything I want - better person, good soul, better with my kids, very loving, talented musically, better in bed - but there is no 'excitement' no 'chemistry' like i had with the ex.

 

I dont want to hurt the new GF though, but what can I do?

[cinnamonstix49]

Either way you go about it, someone is going to get hurt. I think you should have left the ex alone in the first place instead of emailing her behind your new gf's back. If your ex was so right for you then you wouldnt have broken up the first time.

[fishman3226]

Nah, my new GF knows I emailed her initially - and she knows about her ringing me too.

 

The main problem with breakup is the fact she is clinically depressed and only now getting professional help.

[princess rose]

Hey, Fishman:

 

I think that if you feel good and comfortable with this new girl, then you should stick with her, because it seems you two have stability, which is an underrated quality in a romantic relationship. Of course, you and your new girl should take it slowly. I think it is only hurting you to keep going after this girl when she obviously is uncertain at best of her feelings, addition to having psychiatric problems. Tell her that you are definetely moving on, and then do. Good luck.

[fishman3226]

I just sometimes wonder if I am going to sit back one day and go 'hell, I should have had a go.' I have never, ever felt this way about a woman before and although it is over and so on, I know that given the opportunity it would work.

 

A few of my friends have said to me that I have someone better and I tend to agree I must admit. Just cant help thinking about 'what if?' I know she will one day realise that she made a mistake - hell, she seems to continually hang on to some semblance of contact and has done for a while. She has said a few times that she wants me in her lfe as a friend - though I could not have a friendship with her - I think it would be too painful.

 

I am sort of thinking about just giving her the ultimatum. Say "OK, here is how I feel. Yes I am with someone else, but I want us to have another go. You have this chance and this one alone.'

 

Or I might just tell her how I see things now....

 

I just dont know.

[fishman3226]

Now it gets silly...

 

I went upstairs yesterday for an interview for a promotion - I had to go upstairs where she was.

 

Anyhow - out of all people that had to be in my path at that time was the ex - and man she looks good.

 

Anyhow, I go back to my level and she has emailed me asking what I was doing up there - she knew because I told her a few days before - I got the impression that he finally had a catalyst to contact me (this is after an email a few days before consiting of a few dots - like 'I dont know what to say.')

 

Well we started chatting and I told her outright that I missed her. No reply. I pushed it abnd asked if she missed me. She said she did but that it was not a reason to get back. I replied "who said I wanted to?"

 

I basically said that I miss her and that I have not discounted me and her having a relationship if the opportunity came up. She has not said 'no, never going to happen.'

 

Anyhow, I see her as she is leaving and we started flirting - very familiar kind of things (stuff that is/was a part of our relationship.) I said to her that she should be shy and that she suggested meeting up soon.

 

Now I said in a previous post that I have a new woman, and I do. Until the ex started contacting me all was good - now I have some doubts. I still love the ex and I want her back. All my friends say the better option is the new GF, but it lacks the 'excitement?' of me and the ex. I believe that the ex is the 'one' - someone I can see myself with in years to come. The new GF - who I dont want to hurt - is someone that if I did not have all this background 'ex problem' then all would be fine - she would be a wonderful partner. Hell, if I met her in six months time then all would be fine - I would give her a huge effort. But now I am confused.

 

Strange thing is that with the ex there is no guarantee of a resumption of the relationship. I dont want to hurt the new GF (and I dont think she is a fallback or second prize) but if I get thru all of this then maybe we will work. But I might alienate the ex if she wants to come back. But how do I catch up with the ex when I devote my time to the new GF.

 

I saw an online dating profile the ex posted and in it what she wants in complete essence is someone like me. Man, silliness. Everything and all she does hints at her wanting me and again - SHE started contacting me again. She wants to meet up with me.

 

What the hell to do? I see one of three things happening:

 

1. I hurt the new girl and get back with the ex

2. I end up hurting the ex and stay with the new girl

3. I hate the ex for stuffing me around, completely wipe her and lose the new girl

 

Also, how do I find out my options!!!???!!

 

Breaking up sucks - so does loving someone too.

[Blitzen57350]

Help me please, I'm still very much in love with my exhusband .

Maybe I should start from the begining. When we got toghter in 1987 my parent had just split up and my dad was very bitter anyhow he kept telling me to leave him before i got hurt well we eventually had an arguement and I left my dad convinced me to file for divorce. I was pregnate with our first child. We tryed to get back toghther a couple time and had anther child well then I left again because I felt in the way. So a few months went by and I moved back to the same state by this time he had meet someone and now they are married.

Every time I have to see him, he stares and stares til I look away and flirts unless she is there ( alot of mixed signals) any way a couple years ago we talked all day on the computer about us and why things happened. I thought we had finally forgiven each other for all the hurt. He still seems to want to be in charge.

Well a couple months ago I called to talk to my daughter that lives with them and his wife stated to tell me some of there problems and how she is sick of most of his crap and whatnot. I never asked for this information and don't know why she is telling me this stuff but in some ways it makes me happy cuz I hope they get divorced so I can maybe have a real chance to show him how much I love him and want to be with him.

When we were toghther we were to young and immature. We lack the skills to make a marriage work but I feel if given the chance we could work this time. We always had fun and never seemed to fight just alot of people

interfering and stirring up trouble instead of letting us find our own way.

please help me find a way to let him know my feelings and get anther chance. We still are attracted and have feeling and I know part of his problem is he also has 3 kids with her and I think he fears losing anther family and I do understand. Also I'm trying to figure out why his wife is telling me all this stuff but I never tell her to leave him or say anything negative it's really not my place to say somthing.

[fishman3226]

Sucks huh?

 

Only thing I could suggest is telling him honestly how you feel - then try to move on. Once he knows you love him and care he will give you his beliefs one way or another.

 

It takes alot of courage and is damn scary I know, but if you dont ask you will never know.

[Blitzen57350]

I wrote him a six page letter telling him everything from the start of our relationship until now. I have yet to give it to him. I am scared and think maybe I should only let him read it if 1 they split up or 2 he is alone.

[sarah12]

fishman - I was the new gf in your situation. It's not exactly the same but I can tell you right now that things are not going to be pretty in the next little while. The only difference in my situation is that my guy knew I was a better person and he had chemistry with me, but he had the comfort of a long time ex that he knew would never leave him. He had uncertainty with me, seeing as it was a new relationship.

 

You have to make a decision and someone WILL get hurt, if not all parties involved.

 

To be honest, having been the new girl in this situation, what I would do if I were the guy, is break it off with the new girl, and stop all contact with everybody. You need to figure out what you want. You weren't single long enough between girls to know who you are and what you want in a woman. You'll never figure it out with everyone around you. Consult your friends - they often see things in you and who you're with that you totally miss.

 

I know it's going to sound bias when I say this, but my guy got back together with the ex recently and I don't think it is a good idea for either of them. They have been on and off for 2 months - he keeps breaking up with her and getting back together because he's not sure of what he wants. She hangs on for dear life because she can't live without him. He on the other hand is hanging on because 1) he's afraid of hurting her again and feeling guilty about it and 2) he's not sure if he should just settle for somebody that makes him semi-happy but will never leave him, or if he wants to pursue something new.

 

Anyways, you have to stop contact with the ex and let the new girl know what's going on. It's unfair to her that you are talking to your ex in such a way - you're borderline cheating. I was very understanding with this guy so when we ended things, I was definitely upset, but I knew it was best in the end for all of us.

[fishman3226]

I know someone is going to get hurt sarah12 - I know and it sucks hard. I dont even know if my ex does want me back - she has not said that she is not ever thinking about it just that she wants to see me. I strongly hinted I was interested but no comment of 'no never' or anything like that - she did mention that her simply missing me is not enough to get back together.

 

This woman who is my new girlfriend is caring, gets on great with all my family, my friends all say she is the better out of the two and to be selfish in a way she is more likely to have more money and is better in bed (though this is NOT the be and end all.) She is also intelligent and stable and very mature.

 

My ex suffers depression and has a history of making immature decisions. She has been a stripper and regularly used (and could be using) drugs. She is selfish and her excuse for not staying is that I have kids (who I see once per fortnight - she said it would be too expensive to have kids with her.)

 

My current gf knows I am planning to meet her and I believe she is a touch concerned - but I need it one way or another for closure. I am also considering what you said about being alone - though I think myself I need that person there - no matter what.. She also said in reply to us talking again that we needed to 'clear our heads.'

 

I know my ex is looking for someone - she is actively online on the website we met thru - I plan actually to say to her about that fact that her profile describes me - but I plan to be 'expensive' in a friendship with her - I kind of think that given some of the circumstances I think the ex is still trying to use me up (she still has alot of stuff including furniture in my place) and it may be convenent place to store stuff. No matter what, unless I bite the bullet I got a long time until all of this is resolved.

 

If I find she gets someone new then that is it - nothing more. She will become history in terms of a friendship. I am kind of thinking about just removing her from my life, I am sick of the heart break and pain she causes me - I poured so much into us and got nothing in return bar a broken heart and continued emotional confusion - if she had not come back into the picture then nothing would have been wrong - again - SHE contacted me!

 

My friends though say dont worry about it... should I listen to them? If I dont have a go at the ex (so to speak) will I miss an opportunity? Who knows? A counsellor I saw when I was going thru all the confusing things when she was staying over and so on basically said to me that I cannot control the future, there is so many unknowns...

[ziggue]

I was like Sarah12 too. I have been the 'new girlfriend' in your situation as well. I agree with her in the fact that you didn't have enough time being single to sort out what was in your head and what you wanted before jumping into another relationship.

 

In my situation the guy I was with had just left his ex before he met me. They had been together for 4 years and had the on and off type relationship as well.

 

This girl was into drugs, did things that were worse then stripping for money, was 5 years older then this guy, had no hair (shaved head. Lol). Total opposite to me. Still even though I was more clean cut then her he still went back to her. There was a baby involved too (who knows if it's even his) so that could've been the main reason why he went back to her.

 

Just don't lie to your current girlfriend. Don't get her hopes up into thinking the relationship might last. That was the worst thing my Ex did to me. Made me think he still had feelings for me and cared. It just hurts more when you leave the relationship that way.

 

I am glad you are talking to her about what is going on. Even though she definately may not like it.

 

 

Did your Ex start harrasing you before you had a current girlfriend or after? Maybe she can't take the fact that you have a current girlfriend now. She may be just messing with your mind to get back at the current girlfriend. Whatever you do don't let her know your current girlfriend's number or address.

 

My Ex's girlfriend got my mobile from his phone when he still visited her because of the baby. Got threatening phone calls, my stuff at his place smashed. Pyscho.

 

That may be what your Ex is doing messing with your mind to get at your current girlfriend. Worked with my Ex boyfriend. . Try not to get to sucked into something you might regret.

[fishman3226]

Heya ziggie!! All us Aussie stick together huh?

 

Kind of wierd situation as my ex harrasing me was the catalyst for myself and the gf getting together - i had had enough of the mind games and had thought bugger it. My gf was a friend who stood by me all the time and was helping me try get thru things.

 

My gf also encouraged me to contact the ex when she started ringing me. in a perverted way she is the catalyst for this.

 

You know, i dont think she is trying to get back at me. i think she is starting to realis ea stuff up she made.

 

I may look back at these posts in six months and think 'man, what a trial' or i may look back and think that i was thinking silly things. Who knows? But one way or another i dont know unless i try - i have to find resolution.

 

I suppose I have to look after me

[shellen]

Since you sound so sure that she is the one, I think u shld give it a shot. Even if it fails, at least u know u tried and u can exit the relationship with no regrets. Of course u may end up losing everything, but who says if u din try getting back with ur ex, u and ur current gf will definitely last? I mean u never know what will happen in the future.

 

Maybe I'm biased because I am someone who hopes my ex will leave the new ger to be with me. Anyhow I am glad that you are taking a active approach in solving ur dilemma. I hate people who want things to work themselves out and just go with the flow because they are just too cowardly to make a decision on their own.

[ziggue]

Aussie!, Aussie!, Aussie! . . . Lol.

 

It sounds like your mind has been made up to me. Don't know how your current girlfriend is gonna react if you go back to your Ex Girlfriend.

 

It seems like no matter what she does to you no matter how bad it is you will always come running back to her. That is my Ex and his girlfriend all over.

 

Guess you like a drama queen then. Only joking.

 

If you go back to your Ex Girlfriend your current girlfriend will probably be upset for a couple of weeks get over it and probably learn something coming out of it.

 

I did with mine. Now I am in the best relationship I have ever been in. This guy has no attachments to any Ex's, No kids (tried dating a couple of guys with kids and none of them worked out. Knew I didn't want that in a relationship since I didn't have any kids myself. Sorry if it sounds a little selfish), Not messed up in the head either. That I know of. . Lol. Hopefully your current girlfriend will find someone like I have as well in the end. . .

 

Do what you think is right. Hopefully it all works out.

[fishman3226]

Aussie Aussie Aussie...

 

I hope it works out too. Kind of wierd the thought in my head - like your ex there ziggue, it is like i feel drawn to her inadequacies - like it seems right to help her.

 

Wierd last night my gf came over and I spilled as much as I felt I could to her - if anything I want to find out 'why' she ended it - her rationale is ridiculous to say the least.

 

My gf reckons she (the ex) was mad as to leave and to quote her "she was crazy and a d**khead to give up on someone like you - you are one of the nicest and most beautiful people that I have known." She also believes it is a matter of time until she realises her mistake and might just try to rectify the situation.

 

I know in my heart I could love my gf but I know I love the ex. The hardest thing is that my ex has left all these 'breadcrumbs' such that we have to be in contact - she wants to remain on the lease for the unit we rented, she has furmiture (fridge, washing machine, 2 beds, cupboards) here and is working in my building. My friend who is one of those annoying blokes who can pickup any woman (nickname of 'manslut') says that she shows alot of affection toward me when we interact.

 

I do hope if she comers back that my gf finds someone so deserving of what she offers - unfortunate thing is I dont think I can offer her what she needs because of my feelings toward my ex.

 

If she decides to come back she does - but I will always wonder what if...

[fishman3226]

Her is something that may show some of the problem.. any comments please... this her email to me.. the names have been removed. There are otjher stuff in other emails where she does not mention anything about me and her when i bring it up - no 'it will not happen or anything.'

 

From: ex

Sent: Monday, 28 June 2004 7:33 PM

To: me

Subject: ....

 

..............

 

From: me

Sent: Monday, 28 June 2004 20:12

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

if this means something then cool... look I have been thinking about you a fair bit.

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 2:35 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

What were u doing up in level 5?

 

From: me

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:18

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

TL applications - had an interview.

 

you look good.

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 4:36 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

in what way do i look good? saw ur goatee, its cute!

 

From: me

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:37

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

thank you. you look very nice. i have thought you looked good.

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 4:37 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

but in what way?

 

From: me

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:38

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

you ahve a nice b**.

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 4:40 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

did the others notice u looking?

 

From: me

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 16:42

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

uh huh.well i dont know if they did.

 

how you going anyways? i have been thinking about you alot recently

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 4:44 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

what happened with that (my gf) girl in bentleigh?

i was seeing someone for about a month, but it didnt work out.

 

*there was some stuff here about me saying I have some doubts then a pause for a while in the emails.*

 

From: me

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:39

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

you miss me?

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 5:40 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

i dont want to confuse things.

 

From: me

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:41

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

for whom?

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 5:43 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

both of us.

 

From: me

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 17:50

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

i am not necessarily saying i want you back - that i miss you

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 5:57 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

i miss your company also, but it doesnt mean its a good idea for us to get back. Please read this last sentence carefully.

 

From: me

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 18:01

To: ex

Subject: RE: ....

 

never said it was (ex's name.) i never said it was something i was seeking either (us getting back.) just that i miss you. yes, i have thought about an 'us' but i do not know if it is something i would seek.

 

believe it or not

 

From: ex

Sent: Tuesday, 29 June 2004 6:04 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: ....

 

maybe i should come over this week sometime for a coffee, and company. thats all

 

-----Original Message-----

From: ex

Sent: Thursday, 1 July 2004 7:33 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: hi

 

as i said, i dont want u to make a big deal of it when i meet u outside. not kiss or hug outside work, etc. we'll just walk there as friends.....

 

-----Original Message-----

From: me

Sent: Thursday, 1 July 2004 19:35

To: ex

Subject: RE: hi

 

meh...

 

(ex's name,) at the moment (and maybe forever and a day) thats all we are.

 

-----Original Message-----

From: ex

Sent: Thursday, 1 July 2004 7:36 PM

To: me

Subject: RE: hi

 

cool. u still got foxtel?

 

Czn you see my points here? like she is trying to sus me out and obviously want sto see me....

[sarah12]

Honestly, I don't understand men like you. I feel like you are talking about me and my situation when you describe your gf and the ex, and same with Ziggue!

 

Maybe Ziggue and I are biased, but from someone on the outside looking into the situation, we can't understand why in the world you would go back to the ex that carries so much weight, when you can have a wonderful woman with all the qualities that you describe.

 

My ex was the same - his ex (who is currently his on/off gf) is needy, selfish, manipulative, immature, and cries to get her man to come back to her. He's broken up with her about 5 times and she makes her way back every time - how little self-respect can a girl have!?

 

I really think that you need to end things with everyone at this point to sort yourself out. The gf WILL get hurt because I can tell that no matter what, you are fixated on this ex and will not move on until you find out whether or not you can have a future with her. I also agree with ziggue that the worst part about the whole situation was that the guy led me on to believe that no matter what, he cared for me and really liked me. He knew that I was the 'better option' so to speak, as you have described your girl, but there was something about the comfort of the ex that he had to go back to.

 

I'm also glad that I am out of that situation. I still have to see the both of them around, which is a painful reminder of the past, but I also know for a fact that he isn't happy with her.

 

Keep in mind that if you break things off with the new girl, she will likely never go back to you if things don't work out with the ex. I know that I would never be able to deal with the guy again because I'll never know if he'll want to go back to that ex again.

 

And let this be a lesson to everyone else as to why we can't be friends with ex's!!!!!

[fishman3226]

I agree with you sarah12 - I do. To be honest I aint sure what I am feeling to her. I know the new gf is a great person, and I do like her - but I am in love with the ex. The qualities I see inmy ex? Someone that needs me to give her nurturing and growth. I want to give that to someone - I want to help someone grow I suppose.

 

Kind of odd to because in chatting with a mate who is also a trained counsellor he said it may not be the fact that you want her back, but because the reasoning behind her decision were frankly ridiculous and completely out of character.

 

And I know my new gf is a good person, I also wonder if what she wants is something i cannot give to her - it is I think something that I give to people - I am I supposed conditioned into give to people and be a target for someone else's angst.

 

My ex is also someone who shares something that is very highly regarded by me - we share the same heritage and seek the ame things in regard to family overseas (and finding them.)

 

I am thinking today that I will just send her an email - ask what her views are on an us without asking her back - then get some sort of resolution i suppose. I dont hold out much hope of a reconciliation with the ex. Not at all.

 

If I dont get a resolution then that is it - she is history. All or nothing.

[August]

I am in the same freakin situation with a guy at work. He came onto me in a big way, we had about three months of the best fun, and then he tells me he still loves his ex and wants to try to get back with her. So, he says we have to stop seeing so much of each other because if the ex finds out about me, it will ruin his chances. Here is my opinion.....I am reading a book entitled Why Men Love Bitches. This book claims that if you are the nice girl, guys will grow bored with you. It says by being the bitch, you are keeping them in constant suspense and they love the excitement. I advise any of you nice girls out there to go get this book. It has been an eye opener for me. I am trying to apply the principles, but have only been at it 2 days, so cannot tell yet if it will work. But with my guy he admits that the chemistry between him and the ex is no longer there, he just misses what they had together. I keep telling him he is trying to live in the past and it won't work, but he says he feels like he has to try. The ex is the one that left him and from what I can tell, she does not want him back, but he refuses to quit trying.

[princess rose]

OMG, August, have you been living in my head or what?! My ex left me to pursue his ex from when he was 13 or 14. He's been in and out of jail for the past 4 years, and she's been ignoring him, yet he still thinks that they have a chance. I know what you mean about men going after agressive women, while us good girls get left in the dust. That's a phenomena I'll never understand. That thinking just leaves broken hearts, maybe someday, these guys will wake up, and see that nice girls shoul finish first. By the way, Fishman, the reasons you gave for wanting your ex back don't seem healthy to me. Love is not about fixing people, it's about growing alongside each other. I wish you luck, and keep us posted.

[fishman3226]

Nah I agree princess rose - I suppose I made it not clear.

 

I want to help her grow alongside me - she will help me in my quest of finding my roots because she is of the same heritage. If anything, having her will make me more understanding of who I am in a cultural sense.

 

August, he is just infatuated with her. Leave him be I guess - move on.

 

Just to describe things, it is hard to describe my thinking on the situation. I am more of the opinion that the chemistry I shared with ex is much more intense than with my current gf - add into that the mixed messages I get when in contact and the feelings of what I had when with her - add in the memories all around the unit I live in with all her furniture here - add in seeing her at work at least every other day - and you get some idea (hopefully of the quandry.

 

If she had left and taken all her stuff - not got her job in my workplace - not continually contacting me and flirting when she does - then I would probably not be in this boat at the moment.

 

My gf said to me to that it isw obvious that she made a mistake - all my friends have said she is a fool for leaving and I know her family expect us to get back - maybe she is just stubborn.

 

I also have to point out she suffers depression and is getting help for it - maybe she needed this break to help herself. Maybe it is ripe time this time to find out.

[sarah12]

Your poor girlfriend. Please PLEASE let her go NOW before you hurt her anymore. I cannot tell you how painful and even more FRUSTRATING it was to deal with the guy I was with. In my case though, he was also like August's ex who wants to live in the past and never grow up. He also admits that the chemistry isn't there anymore, but he's scared to move on because of the uncertainty of the future!

 

fishman - I can understand what you mean by having someone who understands your culture and heritage, but that cannot be the only thing keeping you with your ex. She has a lot of personal issues right now that she needs to deal with, and could be manipulating you in the process. All I can say is to be cautious, because girls like her have a way of reeling in boys like you.

 

Another good article I found was :

 

Twelve Types of Women You Should Date

 

I suit most of those qualities, yet the good men still go after drama queens..go figure.

[fishman3226]

sarah12, seriously, you aint making it easy... I want resolution one way or another - if I find out the ex dont want me (who coincidentially fits alot of those profiles you linked too) then I will know - I NEVER have had the resolution at all from the ex - I have had mixed messages from day one and still ongoing.

 

I know that my gf is a great person, I want to have to choose without the doubt about wether my ex is interested or not. If she is then I will make the decision - the indecisiveness of me is attributed to the fact I dont know what all the pieces (so to speak) are doing.

 

No one is good or bad - if my ex dont want me then I decide if I want to stay with the gf (and I will know it is pointless pining over the ex.) If she does want to come back I have to decide if I want my gf or my ex or no one.

 

This is one of the most stuffed up things ever in my life and to be honest it is something that could define the rest of my life. It feels that important.

[fishman3226]

I bit the bullet and sent this:

 

M*****,

 

I am emailing you maybe in my own best interests but it is something I must do. Read this carefully and think.

 

I was lying in the bed we shared for a good long year and then came out to the kitchen – I went to the fridge that is in the place we got together and sat down here to write you an email. Many thoughts are going through my head this past night thoughts of your missing presence in my world.

 

After a period of two months you finally contacted me again and well, those feelings I have for you have surfaced again. I need to know something and I need to know it for my own self – is there any chance of me and you getting back together? Is there any chance of me and you finally resolving the wreckage of ‘us?’

 

I know things have happened with you seeing other people and me being with J***, but I cannot believe that the rationale for you leaving was valid. I do not mean to be mean, nor have a go at you, but simply it comes down to this thought: If you believed ‘in your bones’ it was not right, how can you believe it to be true when you now are getting help to understand why you think certain ways?

 

I am not saying this to be mean, for I am strongly proud of you for doing what you have in regards to seeing your counsellor in understanding what you think and trying to fix the problems – I really am. It is a courageous and honourable thing you do for yourself and I wish you all the luck in this world in resolving your problems. If I could somehow help you I would. I do wonder if those thoughts were not conjured by these negative thoughts, for – correct me if I am wrong – we had a good understanding of each other and seek the same direction in life. We had many laughs and the negatives in our relationship were minor.

 

Yes I am with J***, and yes I do not know what I will do if you chose to say yes to an ‘us.’ I am not saying for me and you to start living together again nor even to get back together – I want to know if you would consider more than a friendship. You know I have children and believe me I am a different person. I will live a life based upon my virtues and hopefully guide you and stand beside you should you need my strength. I cannot however do this as a mere friend.

 

I offer you in a relationship friendship yes, but I also offer respect for you, for what you stand for and what you are trying to do for you and a passion to go thru life with you and attain the same goals.

 

Why am I asking all of this? Simple – I still feel love with you. I wish right now to have you lying next to me and smell you hair on my pillow. I wish to wake and share with you life and its loves. I would love to learn things with you (imagine watching that ‘Samsara’ documentary on foxtel!) and journey to South Africa with you. I need this resolution in my life because as I said I do not believe in your justification for ending our relationship. Yes, I may not be the most handsome nor the wisest nor wealthiest – I am simply me – someone who cares for you. If you look within yourself you will see who I am and what I offer. Did I ever let you down? Could you rely upon me? Do you know my hopes and dreams? I would be there when you need it. I would not have fears if you went to your mum’s overnight (hell, we could make it match when I have my kids so they are not part of the equation until you are ready) and not stand in the way of your family and friends – as I would expect you to do the same when it comes to my own family and new things in my life.

 

I am still that caring sensitive person I have always been; only difference now is I know myself and have some spiritual guidance in my life. Can you remember the feelings of safety and contentment? Remember the feeling you had when we kept looking for our little girl amongst all the faces in Melbourne? Our trips to Bismi? Our journeys to odd parts of Melbourne? I miss that M*****, miss it a lot.

 

If you choose yes to my question then so be it – it would be a slow task with some trials and concessions and discussions. If you wanted to be mine again I would have to make some tough decisions. I do not wish to hurt anyone, but I must show courage and be loyal to my own heart. All I can pledge is a loyalty to you and to make you achieve the life you want and strive for. All I do is promise that the way we were before will be better.

 

You know who I am, and I know who you are – I want you to grow.

 

If you say no please tell me why you choose not to, all I ask is to understand and finally have some resolution. I think you owe me that much. To tell me I already know does not cut it, I want you to retype it and reiterate it. Even if you want some time to think about it then you can have it, just tell me. Maybe bring it up with your counsellor, whatever you need to do find out the answer.

 

Choice is yours. Put aside fear and negative thoughts and think about what can be achieved. Don’t get angry, anger will cloud your thoughts – just think about it. Weigh it all up. Discuss it with people – do whatever you need to do. Show honour toward yourself and you future and have the courage to think about these things. I show loyalty and respect to you, if you respect me you will do the same. Think about it. It is not a case of come back, just one of what are your thoughts. Maybe we can meet and discuss this together, face to face.

 

A****

 

So I will finally know. I aimed to say 'have you thought about it?' and that is all. Not asking her back, just have you thought about it.