Kamille Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 So I just joined OLD for the first time, and somehow didn't see this one coming. Went on one date with guy A. It was nice, but I didn't think it would really go anywhere. Still, at the end of date#1, Guy A suggested a second date and I agreed. I thought maybe he was just nervous and felt it was only fair to get to know him better. Then I went on a date with guy B. Had a great time with him. We ended up kissing. I met up with Guy A for date #2, somehow thinking (under delusion) that I owed him a second date. I was also trying not to appear flaky. It actually went fairly well. He just sent a text asking me out for next Friday. Guy B just sent a text asking me out for next Tuesday. What to do I do? I feel like I'm lying to these guys, but I seriously do not know yet which one I like best. I'm never doing this again. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I think it's all good. They are probably multi-dating too. As long as you are not having sex or exclusivity talk, just relax and enjoy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I think multi-dating is just a natural part of OLD. You are not exclusive with either of these guys: the mature assumption all of you should be making is that you're ALL multi-dating until there is an agreement that you're not. I'd say just relax, and continue getting to know the guys until either you decide you like one more than the other, or the topic of exclusivity is brought up. Why, more specifically, does the idea of multi-dating bother you? Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Kammy, just tell each Guy that you are keeping your options open, for the time being and want to date around. As long as you are honest, they really don't have any kind of beef. Enjoy yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 Here is part of the ambiguity I feel. I assumed multi-dating was part of the process of on-line dating. I just never realized what it meant in actual terms. Like a wise woman once said;), I like to go all in on relationships. This feels like I'm holding back. And, also, like I'm potentially misleading these guys. Not to mention, I will have to reject one of them (if they don't reject me first). What bugs me is that I don't feel I have enough information on guy B yet to make a decision. We met once. I think I'm going to meet him on Tuesday and proceed from there. And I know myself... I know I will likely reveal that I am multi-dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 It's pretty easy to slide it into the conversation by asking them what they think about multidating. Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Here is part of the ambiguity I feel. I assumed multi-dating was part of the process of on-line dating. I just never realized what it meant in actual terms. Like a wise woman once said;), I like to go all in on relationships. This feels like I'm holding back. And, also, like I'm potentially misleading these guys. Not to mention, I will have to reject one of them (if they don't reject me first). What bugs me is that I don't feel I have enough information on guy B yet to make a decision. We met once. I think I'm going to meet him on Tuesday and proceed from there. And I know myself... I know I will likely reveal that I am multi-dating. It's only bad insofar as it prevents you from the bolded. I think you're concerned because you've never found yourself in this position before, and now here you are, needing to do it in order to move forward. There's nothing unethical about it; it's the natural conclusion of the dating system in the United States. So either you go all in and do this right, or you arbitrarily stick to one guy at a time in this process, because, er, why again? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Don't even discuss it for a date or two. Then the "are you seeing other people?" question will get asked at some point. Most likely after a make-out session. And at some point later also the "I'm thinking of disabling my profile, because I don't feel I need it" statement will follow. These things work themselves out pretty well. It's not something you have to dwell on. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 It's pretty easy to slide it into the conversation by asking them what they think about multidating. I feel it would be fairly easy to bring up with guy B. But I am currently thinking of just ending it with guy A. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 Don't even discuss it for a date or two. Then the "are you seeing other people?" question will get asked at some point. Most likely after a make-out session. And at some point later also the "I'm thinking of disabling my profile, because I don't feel I need it" statement will follow. These things work themselves out pretty well. It's not something you have to dwell on. Really? Ok. That's a really tempting way to go about it. It gives me a chance to get to know both A and B before making a decision. If anything, they might reach the conclusion they're not into me. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 People should assume you're still setting up other dates early on. It's not like you have that much to go on. After three dates or so, you should start narrowing it down. "Multi-dating" (a term I hate) is not equal to "multi-relationships". If it takes very long to cull the herd, you aren't doing it right. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lonely Ronin Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Why, more specifically, does the idea of multi-dating bother you? I think it's an upbringing thing, I feel kind of the same way, and it's one of the reason I can't seem to bring my self to try old. I can't really explain it, but in some way, it feels like it's not fair to the other person, and that your not really giving it your best effort. Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) I feel it would be fairly easy to bring up with guy B. But I am currently thinking of just ending it with guy A. That's not a good sign for guy A. I think "multi-dating" works best with minimal indecision. If you're not enchanted by date 2, or even the end of date 1, bring out the axe. Edited May 22, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I know it can feel uncomfortable at first. I'm very much like you, I like to go all in. But that just isn't the speed most people go... and honestly, it's not a good idea to keep all of yours eggs in one basket. I've found that multi-dating is a nice way for me to avoid getting too attached or needy with a guy I like before the relationship can handle it. (It also takes the edge off the horny, so I can think more clearly.) It gets easier to deal with in time. The magic number for me is usually "casually" dating 2 guys at once; more than 3, and I start to feel over-whelmed and skanky. You'll figure out what works comfortably for you. Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 "Multi-dating" (a term I hate) is not equal to "multi-relationships". If it takes very long to cull the herd, you aren't doing it right. Man, where did you get all of these great and genius opinions? You are on fire tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
DuchessKaye Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Kams, I was once told that good girls don't tell. Don't discuss anything to them early on. At this moment. Just date the two of them as if they are the only one(s) you are dating. I know that sounds underhanded and shady but unfortunately that is the way multi-dating goes... Just always be safe and take care. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Man, where did you get all of these great and genius opinions? You are on fire tonight. Stealing them from others mostly. Just changing the wording so it's not outright plagiarism. And adding some good ranching metaphors never hurts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 I'm going to sleep on this. Agreeing to both dates. Seeing what happens. Trying to relax. Will be honest if asked / might bring up the topic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Heart Of A Lion Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Don't even discuss it for a date or two. Then the "are you seeing other people?" question will get asked at some point. Most likely after a make-out session. And at some point later also the "I'm thinking of disabling my profile, because I don't feel I need it" statement will follow. These things work themselves out pretty well. It's not something you have to dwell on. So you make out and THEN you ask "are you seeing other people"? To me, this just feels like the world upside down. People should assume you're still setting up other dates early on. Most people don't even know what multi-dating is, not everyone hangs out on LS to learn about this stuff. At some point they'll be shocked that the person they're dating was dating 10 others and perhaps making out with them and having sex with them too. And if that isn't disclosed to them, yet they find out later in the relationship or even after marriage, well then that's just a nice surprise and treasured memory of how you both met. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I feel it would be fairly easy to bring up with guy B. But I am currently thinking of just ending it with guy A.If you end it with guy A, before your next date with guy B, there's no need to tell. But if you don't, you really should somehow introduce it into the conversation. With my multi-dating experiences in the past, I've always divulged and never had a problem. This way, you're giving fair disclosure and it's up to the guys to decide if they want to proceed. It's also a great way to flush out guys with different values about multi-dating, as well as find out who's not disclosing. Win/win/win. But if it doesn't bother you to not disclose, the onus is on you to live with yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reallyhotguy Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Stealing them from others mostly. Just changing the wording so it's not outright plagiarism. And adding some good ranching metaphors never hurts. You just keep lassoing them in. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 I think it's an upbringing thing, I feel kind of the same way, and it's one of the reason I can't seem to bring my self to try old. I can't really explain it, but in some way, it feels like it's not fair to the other person, and that your not really giving it your best effort. Honestly, I think if the other person isn't accepting of you multi-dating, then they are being unfair to you. I mean, are they honestly expecting that even before the first date, you've set aside all other options? That's what an exclusive relationship is for... doing that right off the bat is a little kooky. I would also argue it might actually enhance your efforts, because you're not picking the person out of desperation (being that they are the only option.) You are carefully weighing compatibility... the multi-dating, by virtue of its design, makes you slow the train before entering the station, which I like. Yeah, you have to reject someone (or GET rejected), but that's far better than ending up in a relationship because you rushed in (out of desperation/romantic giddiness.) Now, I'm not advocating having sex with people while multi-dating. That might be pushing it a bit. But there is a pretty comfortable happy-medium in between. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DuchessKaye Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Most people don't even know what multi-dating is, not everyone hangs out on LS to learn about this stuff. So what is the actual meaning of multi-dating, HOAL? Even the word 'dating' is causing me confusion on here. Kamille said she only met the other guy once. Was it a date? I don't really consider first meet up as a date. And if he didn't get a kiss then that's really not a date. IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Please...all you're doing is feeding his ego, which is about as big as Colorado right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Heart Of A Lion Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 So what is the actual meaning of multi-dating, HOAL? Even the word 'dating' is causing me confusion on here. Kamille said she only met the other guy once. Was it a date? I don't really consider first meet up as a date. And if he didn't get a kiss then that's really not a date. IMHO. Most people in the world assume that dating means that two people meet each other in order to check for chemistry and compatibility for a possible relationship. This is the default, unless specified otherwise most people will assume this. If someone is dating people casually for sex or is multi-dating or both, then that should be specifically expressed in for example the dating profile. You cannot expect from people to assume anything else than the default. Like I said, not everyone hangs out on LS where they learn about these sort of things. Link to post Share on other sites
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