Yikes! How did I end up multi-dating?

[Heart Of A Lion]

Please...all you're doing is feeding his ego, which is about as big as Colorado right now.

 

Are you referring to me?

[somedude81]

I think it's all good.

 

They are probably multi-dating too. As long as you are not having sex or exclusivity talk, just relax and enjoy

IMO, it's a very bad idea to assume that men are multi-dating.

 

I'm sure it makes your conscious feel better, thinking that they guy you're multi-dating with is doing the same.

 

And you know what, if the guy is super smooth and you think he's a player, then he most likely is mutli-daing. But if he's a normal dude, odds are he's not.

[75andsunny]

I felt this way at first too, out of fairness and respect to the other person, and took things slowly and focused on gal A. Then when I realized that wasn't going to work, I moved on to gal B and C, D looks nice, maybe E, and so on. Maybe Z will be a winner for me.

 

Really, I think it's all just a process early on. Once I get past date two with someone and into dates 3 and 4, I'm thinking it might go somewhere and then I'll start thinking about focusing on that particular 'letter'. But for the first date or two (or even more if it takes you that long), I don't think you know anything at all about the other person and it's only natural to keep your options open.

 

Ultimately, you need to do what's best for you (in a respectful way) and while it may seem selfish, it's certainly not good to settle or make any sort of decision after just one or two dates. I think multidating is also a good way to learn about what you are NOT be looking for. I don't think it should be a habit, but if your new to OLD or recently just back into the dating world like me, I think it's best to experience as much as possible (albeit, not in a sleazy way as has been mentioned in previous posts).

 

Cheers

[threebyfate]

never had a problem.

Oops, this isn't quite accurate. One guy said he was fine with it until he saw the other guy and I together. Then he wasn't so fine...

[Ruby Slippers]

I tried multi-dating recently and figured out it's not for me. I think this is a perfectly legitimate choice. You don't have to multi-date just because it's trendy.

 

Personally, I don't even want to be talking sweet with more than one guy at a time, let alone kissing or more. I want to assess each guy as a complete person - not compare them like pairs of shoes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Are you referring to me?

 

No, he isn't.

....

[6ft180natl]

I tried multi-dating recently and figured out it's not for me. I think this is a perfectly legitimate choice. You don't have to multi-date just because it's trendy.

 

Personally, I don't even want to be talking sweet with more than one guy at a time, let alone kissing or more. I want to assess each guy as a complete person - not compare them like pairs of shoes.

 

Yea nothing wrong with sticking to just one at a time. I've done multi dating and in my experience it only really works ok in like the first 2 dates. Beyond that things get complicated and you may wish you had just stuck to one at a time. I don't sleep with more than one woman at a time so dating multiple women can kind of hold you back from living in the moment when you know if you take things too far you can't progress with another person who you may be starting to like too....just too complicated.

Not to mention as a man trying to date 3 women continuously could get expensive.

[fishtaco]

You all know what I think on this issue.

 

But if you don't want to multidate, then I guess you'll have to make a decision now. Sooner or later, you'll have to tell one of them thanks but no thanks. The issue non-multidaters face is that you'll have to make a decision early, before you get enough information from each of your options.

 

In a way, that's unfair. I would want the woman to give me a chance to know who I really am, instead of just making a quick decision and potentially cut me out because "multidating is bad".

 

So I echo what RubySlippers said... multidating not bad, unless you're only doing to be trendy. Not multidating is also not bad, unless you're only doing it so you can say you've been virtuous.

 

How about let's not make it so black and white? What happened to go with the flow? The only people that condemn multidaters seem to be ones that have issues themselves... notice how they HAVE to somehow throw in insults. So I say if anyone hates on you for multidating, they're not worth paying attention to. So why not just go with the flow?

 

Plus I think even many non-multidaters multidate. Because where do you draw the line? OLD message? Phone number? One date? Three dates? Kiss? Sex? Everyone have a different "threshold" of when multidating becomes exclusive. So if you put a group of opinionated non-multlidaters in a room, they'd be punching each other in the face about when exactly is "switching over" considered proper and moral.

 

For "intentional multidaters" like me, the rules are easy. Everyone have the right to multidate until the exclusive talk. It's cut and dry, the rules are clear. It also severely hinders the effectiveness of when people play mind games like hot and cold, hard to get, and when they get all flaky. Maybe that takes away the mystery and fun of dating. But I like it because it's practical.

 

So by all means don't be an "intentional multidater". But how about going with the flow? OP's situation right now I think naturally falls into the go with the flow type multidating. She didn't try to create this situation, it just happened. I'm thinking no one worth paying attention to would condemn her for continuing to see both until she gets a clearer picture of who is the winner.

 

Or if OP is uncomfortable, which is a perfectly valid reason not to multidate, certainly more so than "multidating is for sluts" or some other craziness, then like I mentioned earlier, you have to bite the bullet and make a decision now.

[RedRobin]

So you make out and THEN you ask "are you seeing other people"? To me, this just feels like the world upside down.

 

 

 

Most people don't even know what multi-dating is, not everyone hangs out on LS to learn about this stuff. At some point they'll be shocked that the person they're dating was dating 10 others and perhaps making out with them and having sex with them too. And if that isn't disclosed to them, yet they find out later in the relationship or even after marriage, well then that's just a nice surprise and treasured memory of how you both met.

 

Yea. Gotta love that.

 

Back before I was married, which seems like centuries ago culturally, a man didn't ask you out unless he was not dating others. I didn't accept unless I was not dating others.

 

You go on a few dates. If you like them, you keep dating them. If you don't like them, you don't.

 

If he kissed you, it is because he really liked you and vice versa. When things became more intimate, it was obvious to both that a connection was made. There was no "are we exclusive" BS. There was no wondering... oh, I just kissed him. How many other women is he swapping body fluids with this week? Yuck. Sure, there were horn dogs and players out there. But they were the exception.

 

Either way, one was expected to be able to make a decision about someone without the need for a supermarket full of 'options'.

 

I suppose what has changed is that people mostly date total strangers they meet on the internet now. Hence the need for a get to know you period... maybe an extended get to know you period that some call multi-dating.

 

Others have claimed that dating strangers is the problem. That might have something to do with it too.

 

To Fishtaco,

 

... and as far as throwing out insults. I'd say the multi-dating crowd throws out just as many insults in the other direction. That those who don't multidate are stuck up, insecure prudes. Everyone has an opinion... so get over it.

 

To the OP,

Don't know what to tell you. Welcome to the world of OLD. I'm sure you'll find the style that works best for you. Most people assume there is some casual 'multi-dating' with the first few dates.

 

My only problem with most multi-daters I met is that they aren't honest about it. And the term 'exclusive' means different things to different people. Some think it only means sexually exclusive... that you can have sex with each other, but they are free to still pursue others in some form. So no. The word 'exclusive' is not cut and dry at all. Not only that, most multidaters I"ve met have a tough time cleaning out their queue after you become intimate. Just my observation. Then you spend your first weeks or months of get to know you romance time watching them grugingly purge their cue. Which is right about the time I dump them. So, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for them...

 

Good times!

Edited May 21, 2012 by RedRobin

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it matters who you date. If you are dating a complete stranger (met online or at a club/bar) then it's natural not to commit to exclusive dating right away. You have no idea who the other person is!

 

If you start dating a friend or someone you have known for a while, the whole thing has more weight (at least initially) and is taken more seriously by both parties - I wouldn't even think of multi-dating in this scenario.

[maybealone]

Back before I was married, which seems like centuries ago culturally, a man didn't ask you out unless he was not dating others. I didn't accept unless I was not dating others.

 

And way back before that, multi-dating was called "dating" and being exclusive was called "going steady." Somewhere alone the line, what was once normal became abnormal in a lot of people's eyes.

[Pierre]

I think it's all good.

 

They are probably multi-dating too. As long as you are not having sex or exclusivity talk, just relax and enjoy

 

I disagree, Multidating is a form of deception and it confuses the senses of those that participate. The reason "they do it too" is not valid. There is nothing to enjoy if you are a truthful person.

[RedRobin]

And way back before that, multi-dating was called "dating" and being exclusive was called "going steady." Somewhere alone the line, what was once normal became abnormal in a lot of people's eyes.

 

... and way back before then... people were not making out and possibly having sex with multiple people before going 'steady'.

 

When my dad met my mom, he had a lady pen-pal from back home who he'd gone on a couple of dates with.

 

My mom had a gentleman she kinda liked too, who was in her orbit.

 

My parents joined each other in the college cafeteria with a group of people. My dad asked her out. After the second date, both of them dropped their others... they were engaged 6 months later... and they are still together 48 years later.

 

My other relatives report more or less the same chain of events. Some of them are approaching the 50 year mark or more.

 

Some are buyers in the dating world. Some are renters. The trick for the 'buyers' are to avoid the 'renters' and vice versa.

[maybealone]

... and way back before then... people were not making out and possibly having sex with multiple people before going 'steady'.

 

I think that people should be exclusive before having sex, but that's just my opinion. So for me, I would only be dating one person before I was having sex.

 

My parents joined each other in the college cafeteria with a group of people. My dad asked her out. After the second date, both of them dropped their others... they were engaged 6 months later... and they are still together 48 years later.

 

Right, sometimes you just know. But according to the "date only one person at a time" rule, your parents never should have gone out.

 

To me, multi-dating is something I would do within the first few dates of meeting someone. I cannot imaging meeting someone online, setting up a date, then meeting someone else while out with friends, having him ask me out, and me saying no simply because I had scheduled a date with some guy I never met before.

 

To me, that feels like I'm expecting to pick out china patterns after date number two.

 

But multi-dating for months while sleeping with multiple people? No, that would never be my kind of thing. I think by the third or fourth date, I usually have an idea of whether or not the relationship has potential and, at that point, I'm willing to focus on only that person and see where it goes.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is going to be my one-at-a-time approach moving forward:

 

Man asks me out, I accept, we go out. If we like each other enough to have a second date, we do. And we keep going unless we realize it's not a match. If it's not a match, we have a clear discussion about it and have no more dates.

 

If anyone else that I like asks me out during this time, I'll tell him I just started dating someone and want to give it a chance - but if it isn't a match, I'll be in touch. I think that any guy who is a match for me would understand and respect this.

[d'Arthez]

The discussion will be endless. Both strategies work, and both strategies have their drawbacks. We can discuss this till the cows come home.

 

Let us know how it goes Kamille.

[johan]

We can discuss this till the cows come home.

 

You like the ranching metaphors, too? They are really effective, aren't they.

[d'Arthez]

You like the ranching metaphors, too? They are really effective, aren't they.

Well if it tries to waggle like a duck, tries to quack like a duck ...

[Kamille]

This is going to be my one-at-a-time approach moving forward:

 

Man asks me out, I accept, we go out. If we like each other enough to have a second date, we do. And we keep going unless we realize it's not a match. If it's not a match, we have a clear discussion about it and have no more dates.

 

If anyone else that I like asks me out during this time, I'll tell him I just started dating someone and want to give it a chance - but if it isn't a match, I'll be in touch. I think that any guy who is a match for me would understand and respect this.

 

Definitely how I plan to move forward after this.

 

That said, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with multi-dating, especially in the case of OLD. I didn't realize how confusing it would be for me, emotionally, until I found myself in this position. I wouldn't expect either of those guys to date only me until such a time when we do talk about being in an exclusive relationship. I guess what's currently surprising me is that it feels like they're both being cute and romantic right now. But maybe that's just them taking the lead, and who doesn't like a guy who takes the lead?

 

I think that after reading all the advice here and on the OTT thread, I realize that my issue with this isn't so much that I feel I'm being dishonest with them. The main issue is that I don't have the emotional make-up for multi-dating. Yes, it could be just a result of me trying something new that makes me uncomfortable. But I don't see the point in pushing myself to do things that make feel uncomfortable.

 

I will still proceed as mentioned earlier. Proceeding with both dates. I'm hoping it will help me (and them) figure out if there is compatibility there. I will be honest with both guys about that. Thanks to the input, I've been able to work out the feeling of shame I felt. I no longer feel ashamed and will accept their reaction should they judge my actions to be incompatible with their morals.

Edited May 21, 2012 by Kamille

[Ruby Slippers]

The main issue is that I don't have the emotional make-up for multi-dating.

Yeah, me too. Just having two guys call me "baby" and other pet names at the same time felt weird and wrong. And when sweetness like that is sincere, it shouldn't feel wrong.

[Kamille]

Yeah, me too. Just having two guys call me "baby" and other pet names at the same time felt weird and wrong. And when sweetness like that is sincere, it shouldn't feel wrong.

 

Yes! That's it.

 

In all my past relationships, we were pretty much monogamous from the moment we set eyes on each other. That's what I'm used to. I'm used to stories that are about how special we were to each other from the get go.

 

I am looking for a serious relationship. That means I don't want our story to be: "I was dating your dad and another guy and your dad won out". I want "our story" to be all about "us", with no one else in it.

[threebyfate]

That isn't the topic of this thread - and in England, "spend a penny" can mean something else entirely. A woman could easily go out with seven men in a week, and frequently spend a penny.

 

(Kamille isn't dating seven men.)

New disorder for the DSM. Wallet paranoia disorder ("WPD") where their wallets are wrapped in tinfoil, in order to obstruct radio frequency theft!

 

Good call Kamille. Do what feels right for you.

 

Must admit that during the intervals of multi-dating, I wasn't in any relationship focused emotional state. Can't decide if the chicken or egg came first.

[Kamille]

Please abstain from changing the topic of this thread or from engaging with those who are trying to turn this into yet another gender-war thread.

 

It is about my own experience of personal dating and how surprised I was to find it was harder to do in practice than in theory. I welcome discussions that help me guide my decision on how to proceed. I consider discussions about who pays for dates to be off-topic. Thanks.

Edited May 21, 2012 by Kamille

[FitChick]

I used to love listening to my mother and aunts talking about their dating days. They were all juggling different men and the men knew it, so competed for their attention. They didn't have sex with them. The movies of the time reflected this dating culture. It's what was done until both wanted to go steady. It was kind of frowned upon for a girl to immediately go steady with one guy after another because it implied she was "fast" and "easy" since going steady meant more physical shenanigans with the very real danger of pregnancy and disgrace. The next step was engagement, then marriage. It was a normal progression.

[snug.bunny]

I don't know that it's realistic to put all your eggs in one basket during the first one or two dates. But I do think if you're dating more than one person at any given time, it should be disclosed to the other person. You also have to take into consideration why you're dating more than one person. People do it for their own set of reasons, maybe it's a timing issue, maybe it's because you're not ready to focus on one person or maybe you haven't found the right person, maybe it's just for sport/fun. So, consider what the reasons are.