I Desperately Need Advice!!!

[isabella]

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Oh Boy!! I never thought I would ever need to do this! My story seems so long but I will try to shorten it. I am on here and really need some advice...honest to goodness advice. I am 26 years old not married. I was with my boyfriend for 4 and half years until recentlly I found out he was having a relationship with another women who worked with him, as did I, we all work at the same place. This women is 10 years older. I was told by a friend of mine one day when I went in to visit work as I am on maternity leave because we have an 8 mth year old child ttogether.

 

My friend heard some stuff she told me and I confronted him and still no honesty....I then called the other women and when I asked her "How could you do this" She asked me" How long was I broken up with him" I explained that we were together and she said that she had been with him now for 1 and a half, on & off. So basically we were both being lied too, but she knew I was pregnant. He told her I knew about the 2 of them and that I excepted it however I did not want them to make it public because it would be to stressful for my pregnancy. He also told this other women that I trapped him with the baby...which is all lies. I guess he had to convince her he was not with me. But anyways bottom line she knew he was expecting a baby nad that did not make her back off. Really I was the only one truly in the dark.

 

He basically was leading a double identity for almost 2 years a little before I got pregnant up until 1 month ago when I caught him. I believe the other women because she sent me all the emails he sent her, letters, cards everything she thinks he is evil as well. He has admtted it to me that he did what he did. I have been so strong so far but I filled with pain, sadness, shock.

 

It is so hard because we have a baby togeher...no we are not married but there is a child. I have said I will never go back to him. We are in the process of getting rid of an unbuilt new home....also custody issues.

I feel he is so emotionally unstable and so confused as to why he would pick me to do this to. I gave him my heart, my soul & my life & a miracle of a baby. WHY WHY WHY?? he doesn't know why when I asked him.

I mean he told the other women he was going to marry her..she had no idea about the home we bought & our plans to be married. He would stay at my home and some nights sleep at hers. Hold his baby and then go cheat. HW can u do that? After I delievered his child,,,very bad delivery I might add....he called her first! Another thing I just do not understand is in his conversations with her he even belitteld me...by saying that he only looked at me like a child and how I was not attracive to him. I mean say what you want to her but why insult this women you suppsoedly loved , wanted to marry & had your child. Before the last 1 and halfyears of our relationship was awesome...I asked him why he turned to another women and he said, "we were arguing and she was fun at the time and no arguing and easy" How selfish! I also asked why couldn't you be honest and come clean and maybe he wouldn't have lost as much as he has and he said he was to to scared....of losing everything...but in the end he lost it all anyway and he got caught I mean if I didn't find out it woud've continued & maybe even married me.

 

Please I need someones opinion....at ths time I do not want to go back...I am worth so much more them him. But I feel so sad and torn confused!It seems like all of it was so calculated and organized I mean it happened all under my nose kinda! I can't believ I never knew....I mean I will add as well that during my pregannacy & after we were rocky but he always said it was because he was scared of fatherhood commitment...because it was unplanned & also his parents divorced and it affected him he said. But never would I have imagined such a betrayal.

 

So Sorry this is so long..I probably missed alot to!

 

Thanks for reading

Laura

[isabella]

I am just replying to my post...how awful!

 

ANybody....anythoughts....pls!

 

Thanks again,

Laura

[honey2005]

You are right now to go back to him. He seems like a cold, heartless man and you need someone better for you and your child. I'm so sorry that had to happen to you:(. I don't understand why people have to treat other people so badly. You seem like a very nice woman and you deserve so much better. You'll feel sad for awhile, that's just normal, but look around you, you have so much to be happy for. You have a beautiful child, and now you're free to find someone wonderful who will love you and be faithful to you, and help you raise your kid. You don't need someone around who will just hurt you. You're worth so much more than that. I know you won't be able to stay completely away from him because of the custody issues and such, but try not to be around him that much, it will just make it harder:(. I'm sorry this had to happen to you, if you need to talk I am always here to listen.

[therresa kennedy]

Isabella,

 

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I also was cheated on twice, almost ten, well, actually it was eleven years ago. It is the most shocking form of betrayal you can imagine, it takes weeks,even months to get over the numbing disbelief.

 

I have to point out that sometimes we think we may really "know" someone only to have them completely turn on us. There are some men out there who are completely in it for themselves, they are unconscienable, they have no shame, are amoral and will think nothing of lying to and deceiving a woman, even to the point of belittling her to their Other Woman, after she has given birth to their child.

 

With some guys they are so unhappy with themselves they actually get a kick out of doing this. It sounds like this could be true with your ex-fiance. Consider yourself lucky to have found out now, I had to deal with my husbands cheating when my daughter was just a month over one years age. It was awful, the other woman involved was literally a witch, (private joke Sandi, I only expect you to get it). In any event, would you want this kind of guy around your lovely baby? You have to consider the fact that you were simply very naive in trusting a person like him. That does NOT make YOU a bad person, on the contrary, I am certain you are a much better person than HE will ever be, but you need to focus on moving on, healing yourself, and being much more careful the next time you trust a man.

 

I know you are in pain, I know full well how that feels, but you must protect yourself from vipers and it sounds like HE was a definate viper, a real snake of a guy. You deserve better, get him out of your life!

 

Best Regards,

[isabella]

Thanks for your words of advice your both totally right!

I guess it gets so hard some days I sit and think of everything now and how it all makes sense now after the fact.....I rememeber certain days and moments.....also good times and I look at my daughter and I wanna know WHY he did this......he ruined a innocent childs right to a family....and now he is still saying that his intention was only to be with me and marry me (How can he sstill be saying this)

 

I also feel right now that he is not suffering...DO YOU think he is? I want to feel pain like I have and suffer....will he ever suffer???

 

I mean I totallly believe it was not me and I wouldn't change anything that I did as I was loyal, honest, dedicated & in love with a non-existent human being.

 

I am sure you can also understand it hurts so deep to ask myself "DID this man evr really love me....I mean at a point I felt he did....but how can someone do what he did and still love?

 

 

I have been so strong till now but yesterday I broke down and called him and I just cried I haven't cried very much I think I am trying to skip that I know i can't.....why i sit when you are so altrusitic in your actions do you get bit!!!!

 

 

Laura

[Debster]

You deserve someone you can love, trust and respect.

His behaviuor is not deserving of trust or respect.

You can keep him in the child's life - but keep him our of yours.

[DazednConfused]

Hello Isabella,

 

I am speechless and forever in awe of what people can do in a relationship to cause hurt. I can't add anything to what the other posters have already said except to say that you should never blame yourself or second guess what you had or did. You are not at any fault in this matter.

 

Keep your chin up, someday, this too shall pass.

 

- Dazed

[isabella]

Thnk you DC!

 

I know it will pass....i know this time next year I will be that much better I am just so ipatient & i hate ging through this process & its so hard cuz I can't even be miserable & just be me...cuz I have a baby girl to be be strong for....

 

 

Why me I ask...I have ony done good in life I am such an awesome catch too!!!....and this is how i get repaid!!!!

[Babysistah]

Hi Isabella.....

 

Wow my heart really goes out to you. I can not imagine being hit with something like this and having no idea. I am recently divorced and we had so many other problems that his cheating was of no big surprise....although it did hurt.

 

I think that most of what you will have to heal from will be the let down and disappointment of your future plans. Building a house, getting married, and having a baby are all life changing events and I know you are so crushed right now.

 

I am the type of person who tries to find the good in everything. You probably won't be able to see this right now but once you start to accept that this has happened I want you to think about what I am going to say. True what he did was totally wrong and a lie from the very beginning but you can be glad that you found out before you bought that new house, married him and had more children.

 

If he was doing it this long he is going to continue (unless he decides to stop and get counseling or help for himself). Imagine being married in a nice home with 2 or 3 children and then finding out that he has been doing this for 6 or 7 years.....imagine how much worse it could be. Please understand that I am in no way down playing what you are going through right now....I'm just saying that it could have been so much worse if you didn't find out now.

 

When I'm going through something I always think about those who are so much worse off than I am and it helps me to think positive and realize that I can overcome my situation.

 

I don't know what agreements you have regarding your baby but if you haven't done so already get an order for child support (preferably an outside agency that will deduct the money from his check and send it to you). If you don't go back to him you never know how chicken sh#@% some people can be......get what is right for your daughter. Wow, I reek of being a divorced mom

 

Also, get some self help books on forgiving and not being bitter. Like I said, all this may not mean anything to you right now but in the future it will. Make sure that you heal properly so you can be just as wonderful as that wonderful man that is in your future.

 

Do you all still work together? I don't know what to say about that if you do....maybe you might consider a transfer or something if that is possible.

 

Count yourself as lucky that you found out now.....let her be the one worrying about AIDS and other STD's while you live a happy, safe life with a wonderful, faithful man

[isabella]

Babysistah- such profound advice and you are so right.....I guess I am just so weird right now....I really do not know what I am feeling..moments I know in my heart I am too good for and an get so much better....other moments I think what was wrong with me that he had to screw up so big and lose a awesome future with his babygirl & me....I know it wasn't me....but it crosses my mind.

 

I guess right now I am just constantly visualizing all the days in the past 1 and a half...all the times that I felt something was wrong but he covered it up so well. All the times he said he was home but with her...all the times he left me with our daughter to be with her....all the times I cried & cried & pleaded that he either tell me what was wrong B/C babysistah and guys I never knew if there was anything really wrong but i felt it so I would constantly confront him..."tell me...what is it!" I mean when I think soething I don't let it go!!!

 

Baby sistah....around the time i got pregenant I work up one morning and a had sucha gut instinct about the OW based on no evidence no proof...i mean no one ever think he would be with her....opposite from me. But I felt it and that feeling caused me so mmuch pain while I was pregnant I thought I wouldlose my baby...that this pain now is less believe it or not. I confronted him about my "crazy" suspicions and YES he made me feel so crazy! B/C they were I mean it was such a huntch...but F?#K i was right on....that scraes me about myself!

 

Now i am at this point that I wish I could have all my questions answered...WHY? Did he ever love me...cuz I had never loved someone as much as him...was their ever any truth to anything he ever said to me? What did she have that he couldn't get from me...I mean i was loyal, honest, communicative fun sex i enjoyed....supportive...and mostly mother to his unborn child.....

 

Baby sistah...I know people say to me your only 26....but i have fears...."that I won't find anyone"...I mean i have a baby, where am i going to meet someone now...all my 5 girlfriends are either married to engaged...i have no single friends...which makes it so much harder....i feel like wow I just gave him 5 yrs of great years...21-26 ...i know he is the fool and will suffer...they say the Success is the best revenge...but i want him to be alone 4-ever....will these things go way ever?

[isabella]

People....he just called me which isn't awful I mean he has called cuz we have a baby....but he called to tell me that he bugs him knowing that I went out on a date already....

 

By the way...I went out witha attractive fellow already he is not from here....from windsor..but i needed to be treated like a lady...it was nice...anyways i told the ex probably to bug him...but when I told him he said he was happy for me and thats all...but I obviously knew regardless of everything it must bug him...anyways he just called out of the blue to say he is very bugged about it.

 

 

Whats that all about??????

[Babysistah]

Hi again...

 

I read your response to my post and I do want to talk to you about it some more but right now I have a client coming in and I don't have time to write everything I want to say so I will wait until I can say it all.

 

I will get back to you on it but I want you to know that I do know what you are feeling....as do many of the other posters on this board. It may not happen to us the same way but betrayal hurts all the same, especially when you had such hopes and desires for the future.

 

The thing that I really want to convey to you is that YOU are the only one that is going to take care of YOU. You have a beautiful daughter to care for and you have to make sure that you are sound for her.

 

You are going to feel so many different emotions that at times you will probably think you are going crazy. When my husband and I first separated (we were separated for 12 months before I filed for divorce) there were times when I would be crying one minute and laughing the next.

 

After the shock is over you will be able to make decisions about how you want to feel....it will still be hard and hurt so bad but with every day that passes you will be stronger and you will be able to say "yeah, I may be hurting but I am not going to give in to my anger or hurt" and what I mean by that is doing things that in the long run will be unhealthy for you.....I will explain more later

 

Keep reaching out and talking.....you need support and you deserve it

[therresa kennedy]

Isabella,

 

If you know what's good for you and the baby, you will NOT let him back into your life, sure he called you, he wants to know that you are going to dangle from his string. He isn't that hard to figure out. He wants to use you AND the OW for his own selfish purposes.

 

You really need to start making some mature, and responcible decisions that are based on the best interests of your baby. Do you want your baby to be around a man who lies, who cheats, what else does this guy do that you don't know about? He could be more of a danger around a small child then you know. He was successful in fooling you before, who knows what this guy is capable of. Has he displayed any affection for his child, does he even care? Was he there at the birth? If the answers are "no" to these questions, you are probably dealing with a sociopath, a man who is unable to truly love, and that will go for your baby too.

 

You really need to protect yourself from vipers, and from what you have shared this guy enjoys hurting and deceiving women. Don't let yourself be victimized again, and coming from a woman who knows, don't be too fast to start going out with guys, check them out first, they could be anything, and you don't want to be naive when it comes to who you let be around your daughter, because if anything were to happen to her, then YOU would also be to blame for not being careful, for not providing adequate supervision.

 

IT is a difficult thing to be a parent, and especially if you are exceptionally young. You can never be too careful and what you need to focus on right now IS parenthood, that's part of being a good parent, putting yourself last, and your child first. That may sound rather grim but it is also the truth. THe best parents, Bill Clinton's mother for example, live FOR their children, they do everything to ensure the safety of their child. My daughter is 12 and she has NEVER been abused either sexually, emotionally, or phsyically, that's a feat nowadays.

 

Romancing and finding a lover should wait right now. And don't make the mistake of trying to find ANY guy just to get back at your ex-fiance, that is a go nowhere road and it accomplishes nothing. Once again, your baby is and should be your ONE focal point right now, not this guy who is headed in the direction of his own destruction. Save yourself and your child, make a life for yourself. IF you choose to go back to this person, if you ALLOW him to slime his way into your life again you will have only yourself to blame if/and when it all falls apart again, or if he hurts you and the baby. This does happen, every day in this lovely country of ours.

 

Take care!

[isabella]

Thanks guys!!!

 

You ar all right...I know I am only 26....but everyone aroud me has told me how they can't believe how well I am dealing with it so I definitely feel good that I am being rational and in control of itnow....or doing a great faking job..

 

Babysistah I am here for more of what you have to say!!

 

I'll be waiting.

 

Thanls.

[honey2005]

I'm glad you went out on a date, it's good to get out and start moving on. Don't let the fact that it bugged him bother you, it just shows that maybe he is starting to hurt, but someone that hurt you like he did should never be taken back. Good Luck

[koala bear]

[color=red][/color]Your lucky you found out when you did. It may have gone on forever. Just think about your baby. I would make him go to counsuling before I would ever even concider going back with him. He was wrong. He has so issues and you and you baby don't need that.