NordicStripes Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 Hi everybody, just wanted to hear your thoughts on my situation. About 9 months ago my fiancee and I broke up. Actually, he broke up with me, saying he didn't love me anymore. We'd been fighting for quite a while. He then immediately started sleeping with one of his colleagues. After three weeks, he dumped her because he realized he made a mistake, did love me a lot and wanted me back. Since then he's trying to do anything in his might to win me back. He stopped smoking, he got a job, he even moved towns to be close to me (as I have moved towns as well). He takes me out on dates, and tries to be understanding about the fact that I can still get very angry at him for the hurt he has caused me. I still love him, but it's definitely not the same kind of love that I used to feel for him. We have planned a holiday together at the end of august, for twee weeks. I also agreed to go to couples counseling with him, to see if our relationship is salvageable. I really wanted it to be, as I thought I'd be spending my entire life with him. But now, something unexpected has happened. About a week ago I met someone on an OLD-site. I'm on there without any expectations, more out of curiosity. I met someone on there I get along with great. We talk on video chat for hours and hours on end. He is smart, charming, funny... and some of the things that have always bothered me in my ex (like the smoking, and smoking weed) he doesn't do. I feel attracted to him, and think I could very easily fall for him. The only problem is that he is in another country for at least another 1,5 years. But he'll be in our home country (we are from the same country) at the beginning of August. And I think this might become something maybe... The problem I have now is that because I'm really liking this new guy, I start feeling more and more that things wouldn't work out with my ex. I know there are other people out there now, people who haven't hurt and betrayed me the way my ex did. But he is trying to change... What should I do?? I feel bad about still seeing my ex - I do still care about him a lot - but also talking with this other guy every day... this is a situation I hoped I would never find myself in :-( Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 He then immediately started sleeping with one of his colleagues. After three weeks, he dumped her because he realized he made a mistake, did love me a lot and wanted me back. Right, let me stop you there. WTF? It took him 3 weeks of shagging someone else to realize it was a "mistake"??? Sorry but that is not a mistake it is a conscious choice. He knew exactly what he was doing. What a load of rubbish he is telling you. I still love him ... About a week ago I met someone on an OLD-site. Uh-huh. You love him. So why were you on an OLD site? If I loved someone, was attending couples councelling and planning holidays with that person, I would not be exploring my other options, even if you do use the rather feeble excuse of "curiosity". What should I do?? You should be single until you learn how relationships work, and can treat someone you claim to love with an ounce of respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 you don't love the guy you're with. you might have done once, but whether it's what he did, or whether it was being without him, and you moved on, is beside the point. feelings changed, faded and you're no longer smitten. I'm wondering if the reasons you took him back were because something was better than nothing, and your own self-esteem was vulnerable, so there was an element of 'desperation' playing there.... whatever, you're not on the same page. Give it up now, and if you're going to invest time in the new guy, be aware it could be rebound, or that he makes you feel better than your current/ex.... But I agree with PNP.... you have to assess your own behaviour here too... Because while your errant BF bears the guilt for cheating, you're both responsible for the way the relationship was working. Or Not. as the case might have been. And clearly, something was not working - or he wouldn't have parked his pecker in another port.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NordicStripes Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 Thanks for your replies! I just need to make something clear, sorry if it wasn't: I didn't take my ex back. And I made it very very clear to him that we are not in a relationship. I told him my feelings for him have changed. And that couples counseling is ONLY to see if there would be a possibility that we could make it work again. I am looking into other options exactly because of that. It's like you said. Him sleeping with someone else just like that, it's not right. And even thought he feels like I'm the love of his life now, at one point he must not have loved me at all as he just dumped me to sleep with someone else. The point is, I'm single now. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 right. in that case, you're not confused. You just don't know how to tell him to take a hike, now you've met someone else. Oh, and - definitely cancel the holiday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NordicStripes Posted May 21, 2012 Author Share Posted May 21, 2012 You're right TaraMaiden... I don't know how to tell him. I've never broken anyone's heart. And I do still care about him... :-( Link to post Share on other sites
rach24680 Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 noone can tell you what to do. Seems to me you've already made the choice - you cant see yourself cutting ties with the new guy can you? you only feel guilty about your ex, you dont feel like you're cheating on him? I know what your ex did was wrong, but you have to cut it off with him. Planning holidays and going on dates with him is just stringing him along, it's not fair to either of you. You need to explore how you feel about other people, and he needs you to let go of him. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 You're right TaraMaiden... I don't know how to tell him. I've never broken anyone's heart. And I do still care about him... :-( Right, well, unfortunately this was the gamble he took, when he "made a mistake" for 3 months.... This 'mistake' consisted of him telling you he didn't love you any more, and things had already been going badly. He then promptly began an affair with someone he worked with. That's already dicey. then he realises he loves you and wants to come back and try again. I would be willing to bet a pound to a pinch of salt that she - dumped - him. Which is why he suddenly realised he'd made a 'mistake'. I think actually, you were back-burner fodder. Tell me, by the way - did you keep in touch at all during those 3 months? In any case, he had no qualms then about doing something hurtful, so really, you just have to tell him that you realise this has all been fair enough, but your heart's not in it, it's not going to work, those 3 months away from him cooled your feelings and besides, there is now someone else on the horizon, so, i'm sorry, but it's the biter bit. And tell him, straight up even if it doesn't work out with 'new guy', you still won't be coming back to this. You can't keep pussy-footing over this. you have to grasp the nettle, and deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 21, 2012 Share Posted May 21, 2012 (edited) Thanks for your replies! I just need to make something clear, sorry if it wasn't: I didn't take my ex back. And I made it very very clear to him that we are not in a relationship. I told him my feelings for him have changed. And that couples counseling is ONLY to see if there would be a possibility that we could make it work again. I'm single now. Well, couples counseling isn't gonna work at all as long as you are involved in an Emotional Affair. And YES it is an affair because I'm sure that you Ex that's trying his damnest to straight everything out doesn't know about the OM that you're talking to. You're single now? Does your Ex know this? Because from what I've read, he thinks he still has a shot. Edited May 21, 2012 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
Author NordicStripes Posted May 22, 2012 Author Share Posted May 22, 2012 Thanks just_a_poster. I needed to hear again what an *ss my ex is... Sometimes I forget, and I still think he is this wonderful man I would not be able to have out of my life... I told him today - honestly - that I've been talking to someone else. He is extremely angry at me and he's making me out to be a cheater?? What the ....??? I just told him: "do you want me to remind you of what you did, while we were together?". I also feel like things were happening with this co-worker of his before we broke up. He keeps saying that's not the case, but of course he would say that... The co-workers nickname is "the mattress" by the way... classy Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 So why are you still talking to your ex? It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you, nor you for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NordicStripes Posted May 22, 2012 Author Share Posted May 22, 2012 So why are you still talking to your ex? It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you, nor you for him. I do because I still care about him a lot. And he is trying his best to become a better man. I admit I have lost a lot of respect for him since he cheated on me (I do consider it cheating!). But that doesn't mean I don't still care for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 So, if you consider what he did cheating then he has every right to consider what you did cheating as well. It's only fair. So, you were honest with him, what was the end result? Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 I do because I still care about him a lot. And he is trying his best to become a better man. I admit I have lost a lot of respect for him since he cheated on me (I do consider it cheating!). But that doesn't mean I don't still care for him. You loved him very deeply once and he betrayed you. Now you're in love with the idea that he will change and life can be good again. It's the simplest route to happiness afterall, meeting someone new and starting over is a lot of work. You're in love with the man you wish he could be. Given that you were even on OLD tells me that you not only know you deserve better, but that you actually want it. Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted May 22, 2012 Share Posted May 22, 2012 (edited) And he is trying his best to become a better man. But he's not the man you want him to be, is he? You can care for someone and still respect your boundaries. I don't think it even matters why he did what he did. The only thing that matters is what are dealbreakers for you. It sounds like you don't want to be with someone who cheated on you, basically walked out on you after proposing to be with you for life (engagement). Is that a dealbreaker for you? If it is, what he wants, and his other great traits, are irrelevant. I don't even understand why you're in couples counseling if you have decided already that you're not going to commit to him right now. Is there something in the relationship you did that you want to examine or change? If not, then this reformation campaign of his shouldn't involve you at all. If he really wants to change, he can do it without you. I could see if you had agreed to be with him again, but you clearly stated that you don't want to commit to him right now. I would recommend breaking the agreement. You want to date, try again with someone new. This situation you've got going with your ex will only complicate any dating situation you get into. It's an extra hassle you don't need nor need to entertain if you're not sure you want to be with him. I co-sign on not putting your eggs in the basket of the prospect you found online, also. Keep looking for prospects you can meet and date now, until you get tired of looking, find what you're looking for, or decide to fully commit to trying again with your ex. Good luck. Edited May 22, 2012 by Almond_Joy Link to post Share on other sites
freetolove Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Cute loose the ex and give this new guy a real chance at love with you. YOUR EX DUMPED YOU AND SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE Link to post Share on other sites
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