My Commitmentphobe love

[Abomb]

Help!!!

 

My best friend of many years and i finally decided to date 2 years ago. He persued me, loved me, wanted me to move in with him. I gave him everything he ever wanted and then of course that was not what he wanted. Things had been going really well for us and I thought i'd be getting the ring soon. Then of course out of the blue he dumped me. I have read a lot of relationship books and figured out my man is a commitmentphobic. I backed off of him and left him alone and he started to persue me again. Then the moment I show interest back he runs like hell. What am I supposed to do. This guy is really my soulmate and bestfriend. His sister and my brother are married and we both always felt we were the ones who belonged together. We will always be around each other at family affairs and I don't know what to do. How do you get someone with a commitment problem to see what is going on? I want him to love me again like he used to. I need to find a way to rekindle our relationship and start from square one so we can pace ourselves and not just smother each other. But for that to happen i need a chance. How can I get my man to give it one more shot without feeling so trapped??

[Tony T]

YOUR FIRST QUESTION: "How do you get someone with a commitment problem to see what is going on?"

 

They know what's going on. They are usually helpless to do anything about it. They want love, they want someone special just like anyone else. Usually, because of childhood trauma or other attitudes developed early on in life about marriage and commitment, they get right up to the finish line and retreat from fright. This can also be due to fear of responsibilities and happens when men are uncertain about their careers or their financial outlook.

 

One thing you can do if you ever have the opportunity is get into a real heart to heart talk with him and take some of those pressures off by letting him know you will be by his side, no matter what, and that you will contribute whatever is necessary financially or otherwise to be sure the two of you make it through life successfully. Give him the sense that being with you will relieve life's pressures for him, not create more. AND MEAN IT!!! Yeah, I think that's the way to go.

 

THEN YOU ASK: "How can I get my man to give it one more shot without feeling so trapped??"

 

Just back off and let him act in his own time. However, until he is ready, you may get him back but you won't get the commitment you seek. In no way does this mean he doesn't love you. He just has a lot of healing and maturing to do and everyone has to do that in his own way.

 

I call it the dog/car syndrome. Dogs will chase cars repeatedly...everyday for years. Each time they catch up to one, they retreat. They want the car really bad while they're chasing it but once they catch up to it they bark and back off.

 

Well, OK, if you really want this guy, really and truly want him to come begging, start seeing other people. That's the only sure fire way of getting somebody like this. It will kill him, drive him totally crazy. Yes, it is absolutely, positively a game. But I'm here to tell you how to get what you want. It's completely your option. I unconditionally guarantee if you went to him today and told him you had fallen in love with someone else, he would die.

 

So maybe the best answer, short of "the game," is just to back off. It's not really a bad idea to see other people on a casual basis, make new friends, do new things. After all, you can't pin yourself down to this guy's antics forever. You will ultimately get very tired of this repeated pattern and if you continue to accomodate his psychological malady, you could be become so angered and resentful you may never want any more to do with him.

 

But I can give you all assurances there is nothing you can do, and very little a counsellor could do in the short term, to rid him of commitmentphobia. Finding a cure for that would be only slightly behind dicovering a cure for AIDS in getting you a place in the history books.

 

Incidentally, there are lots of books in the self-help sections of good book stores on this subject. The reading may help enlighten you further...but may discourage you as well. But you need the infornation nevertheless.