I'm madly in love with a girl I met online, but i'm having second thoughts?

[Gazzer92]

Hi guys, just found this forum on google and it seems pretty active so hopefully I can get some good advice and support.

 

So my situation, I met this girl online 7 months ago and have fell madly in love with her (i'm 19 shes 20), shes from phoenix arizona and i'm from london england so its a very long distance relationship but I can honestly say i've never felt like this before for any girl. She is literally perfect, beautiful and her personality is amazing. I can't stop thinking about her to the point where i'm literally dreaming about this girl and everyday I can't wait to finish work and come on at night to speak to her, we speak for hours and hours on skype and facebook and have so many laughs, she says shes so in love with me it scares her and shes also never felt this way before despite being in previous relationships. She wants to go to the Caribbean with me next year after shes finished her degree so we can finally meet and i've agreed to it. So whats the problem you're probably asking? Well over the last couple of days i've been getting this overwhelming feeling that all of this is just not realistic, she is so perfect and I can't get her off my mind for a single minute but shes not here with me. Shes a fantasy, I know shes real obviously as I speak to her every night but I can't help but feel we'll never be together. The distance and the fact we have our own seperate lives more or less in two seperate worlds means one of us is going to have to make a HUGE sacrifice to make this dream become a reality, and i'm just not sure it will come true. Also what if she meets another guy? That would break my heart if she came on and said shes met someone else, that is something I keep thinking about and it scares me as i'm so in love with her its a joke. Theres no way I can live without her now but in the long term I just dont know whats going to happen and it scares me, this love I feel for her scares me because i've never felt it and I just don't know what to do. Sorry if i'm getting carried away but I just want you guys to know how I feel and how I can control my emotions for this girl better. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[CarrieT]

She is literally perfect, beautiful and her personality is amazing.

She isn't perfect. You are in love with what you have created in your mind that she is because you have never actually been in her presence? You don't know anything about her - only what she has told you...

 

Theres no way I can live without her

Of course there is.

 

You are in the haze of a first love. It has happened to all of us (well, most of us).

 

She is a fantasy that doesn't really exist - you have completely idealized what you WANT her to be but the reality will be far different when/if you two ever meet.

 

What can you? Go and meet her in person. Spend real time together and learn all the things about what real people do. You can't worry about her meeting other people because she will. And so will you. You can only have control over your own life and development.

[Gazzer92]

She isn't perfect. You are in love with what you have created in your mind that she is because you have never actually been in her presence? You don't know anything about her - only what she has told you...

 

Of course there is.

 

You are in the haze of a first love. It has happened to all of us (well, most of us).

 

She is a fantasy that doesn't really exist - you have completely idealized what you WANT her to be but the reality will be far different when/if you two ever meet.

 

What can you? Go and meet her in person. Spend real time together and learn all the things about what real people do. You can't worry about her meeting other people because she will. And so will you. You can only have control over your own life and development.

 

Shes not just a fantasy though thats the thing, I speak to her on camera every single night and I fall deeper in love with her everyday. I'm just really confused because it's starting to effect my social life and I can't get her out of my head, i'd rather speak to her than go out with my mates and i've been putting certain events off just so I can talk to her. I just want to try and get on with my life how it was before I met her but I can't seem to do it. Yeah shes my first love but honestly I don't think I will ever feel like this for another girl so I don't want to lose her.

[Phennyphen]

If you were madly in love, you wouldnt be having doubts.

[Gazzer92]

If you were madly in love, you wouldnt be having doubts.

 

It's not doubts just that i'm afraid, afraid of losing her or never meeting her. I want to be with her more than anything but it's really hard for both us because of the distance and our lives.

[d'Arthez]

Ideally, when you get in a LDR like this, you try to meet up as soon as possible (within 2 months), to actually spend time physically together. Two years is way too long. Else you simply get too much of a build-up, idealoization, and a complete sacrifice of one's individual life. Your body is simply at its limits. It cannot forever keep producing all those love chemicals that make you feel 'madly in love' forever.

 

I can't see this ending well, sorry.

[Phennyphen]

Well you need to do something about it then! Dont be surprised if when you mmeet, the reality of her is different to what you expected though, theres only so much you can get from pictures, skype and such. Just be careful

[Gazzer92]

I would meet her tomorrow if I could, but thats not possible. Shes busy studying and the earliest possible time we can meet is next july which is a long time away, and thats even if I can gather the funds to go and meet her as I only work part time so it makes it even harder. I feel like i'm stuck, i've got lots of friends here but I would leave them just to be with this girl, thats how much I love her. I just want to control my emotions better as it's taking over my life, I cant even watch tv or play video games because i'm constantly thinking about her and waiting for her to come online to speak to me. Plus shes 8 hours behind so i've been going to bed at 6am in the morning and waking up at 9 for work and i'm exhausted, mentally and physically which is starting to effect my concentration at work. I just need to clear my head but I cant, i've fallen too deep and it's confusing me, I cant even talk to anyone about it because I don't want anyone to know i've fallen in love with a girl over the internet but I have and theres nothing I can do about it.

[CarrieT]

Shes not just a fantasy though thats the thing, I speak to her on camera every single night and I fall deeper in love with her everyday.

 

I have been in your shoes and fell in love that way. She is fantasy in that you are internalizing what you believe her to be like. And I can guarantee that while she "is real" in your scope of existence, she is also a dozen other things you haven't considered yet - that is what I mean by when I say she is a fantasy.

 

Yeah shes my first love but honestly I don't think I will ever feel like this for another girl so I don't want to lose her.

I can also guarantee you will never feel this way for another person; first loves are like that. But you will lose her - in a way that she will lose you and you will lose yourself as you grow and mature and change into other people. That is what is known as life.

 

It doesn't have to be a bad thing; just don't try and grasp to keep and maintain what you are experiencing now "forever" but learn that everyone changes.

 

You are in the Romantic stage of love and it is a wonderful feeling. It is a euphoria that is amazing to experience. You WILL experience it again; trust me. Maybe with her or maybe with another. You can't fret about those things - just enjoy what you have now for what it is.

 

And remember the song, "If you love someone, set them free..."

 

 

it's taking over my life, I cant even watch tv or play video games because i'm constantly thinking about her and waiting for her to come online to speak to me. Plus shes 8 hours behind so i've been going to bed at 6am in the morning and waking up at 9 for work and i'm exhausted, mentally and physically which is starting to effect my concentration at work. I just need to clear my head but I cant, i've fallen too deep and it's confusing me, I cant even talk to anyone about it because I don't want anyone to know i've fallen in love with a girl over the internet but I have and theres nothing I can do about it.

This is not love. This is an obsession.

 

I would recommend you cut back your communication with her to more reasonable hours and times. Reclaim your life a little so you can think more clearly...

Edited May 21, 2012 by CarrieT

[Gazzer92]

 

I can also guarantee you will never feel this way for another person; first loves are like that. But you will lose her - in a way that she will lose you and you will lose yourself as you grow and mature and change into other people. That is what is known as life.

 

It doesn't have to be a bad thing; just don't try and grasp to keep and maintain what you are experiencing now "forever" but learn that everyone changes.

 

You are in the Romantic stage of love and it is a wonderful feeling. It is a euphoria that is amazing to experience. You WILL experience it again; trust me. Maybe with her or maybe with another. You can't fret about those things - just enjoy what you have now for what it is.

 

And remember the song, "If you love someone, set them free..."

 

Thats exactly why I don't want to lose her, because I know I will never feel this way again about another girl. I've been with a couple of girls before but they was never that serious and my feelings for them dont even come close to how I feel for this girl. And I haven't even met this girl yet and I feel this way about her! I can see myself marrying this girl and having kids with her in the future, we've even discussed already how many kids we would like and what our ideal wedding would be. I just hope it comes true but in the meantime I don't want it to take over my life like it is right now, I want to do all the things I did before I met her again but at the same time maintain my love for her but it's extremely difficult when i'm so in love with her that the only thing I can think of is her and being with her.

 

Oh and if you love someone you wouldn't set them free, you would hold onto them forever.

[FitChick]

Why can't she fly to meet you when she is not in school? There are long school breaks. She could meet you over Christmas or New Year's. You should be able to save money to fly by Christmas. Maybe get another part time job if you are really motivated.

 

However, what if the time you spend with her is fabulous? How will you meet again? At your ages, the only option would be for her or you to get a student visa.

[Gazzer92]

Why can't she fly to meet you when she is not in school? There are long school breaks. She could meet you over Christmas or New Year's. You should be able to save money to fly by Christmas. Maybe get another part time job if you are really motivated.

 

However, what if the time you spend with her is fabulous? How will you meet again? At your ages, the only option would be for her or you to get a student visa.

 

You see it's not something we've really thought through. Christmas would be difficult as thats normally a time to spend with your own family so I don't think thats possible. I might have to get another job to cover the cost of flying plus she wants us to go on a Caribbean cruise together so that will be a lot of money. Somehow someway we will make it happen, i'm going to make sure of it. I'll do whatever it takes to be with her, I'm just scared of losing her.

[Gazzer92]

Well after speaking to her for hours last night and the night before i've found out A LOT more about her. I discussed the possibility about coming to visit her early and she seemed keen on the idea, shes currently studying to be a certified nursing assistant but is starting college in august to be a psychology major and go into surgery. So I told her that I have 8,000 in savings in my account and that i'd be willing to use it to come and see her, she said she'd rather I come before she starts college but the only thing is shes broke and has no money so I told her i'd help her out with funds and she said that would be great. Then she started telling me things about how her family are so poor and her mum can hardly afford to pay the bills and I told her I would try and help out and she told me that would be great if I could but I dont have too, but I want to help her and her family out.

 

Things then started getting darker, she started opening up to me about her life and what shes been through and theres a lot of stuff that I just cant get my head around. She told me that if i'm coming to visit her in the summer then I have a right to know some things about her and what shes been through, apparently she split up with her last boyfriend last feb and after she split with him she was so upset that she started cutting herself, she hasn't cut herself since last april. Shes also admitted that her older brother suffers from serious mental health issues and that her mother is bipolar, the doctors also think she could be bipolar but shes in denial about it. She also admitted to an ex boyfriend drugging her sodas at a party and raping her. She then told me about how she used to be bullied at school for her weight (shes slim now) and that it got so bad once she ran back home and her mum tried to make her go back, she got into an argument with her mum and went to grab a knife from the dishwasher to stab herself. Her mum stopped her andshe felt so guilty and took over 60 pills and locked herself in her room and tried to kill herself. She also doesn't have much of a social life because her mum doesn't let her go out much and shes always worrying about things. So obviously after hearing all this I told her i'm going to need some space to think about all this and clear my head. Shes not the same person I thought she was, but obviously i'm still in love with her and I want to help her and take care of her. I'm not used to dealing with this though, i'm just a normal guy with a normal life with normal friends and I feel like i've fallen for a girl whos got all kinds of psychological problems although she said since meeting me shes been fine and never felt happier, which makes it even worse because I feel like I can't let her out of my life now. I fear that if I said goodbye she would do something bad and I dont want that on my conscious. I don't know what to do, her lifes so depressing and I thought she was this sweet innocent girl but shes not, i'm really scared about meeting her and being involved in her life and i'm also worried that she will bring me down as well if I got involved with her and I don't want to become some manic depressive. But I love her so much and I don't want to cut her out of my life either, plus I think she would do something drastic if I was to leave now and I couldn't handle that. I'm so confused.

[FitChick]

Either go No Contact immediately or lie and tell her you have met someone else locally and really can't afford to do long distance dating. Wish her good luck in the future. Whatever you do, DON'T SEND HER ANY MONEY. Sounds like a scam.

 

If she does something drastic, it is not your responsibility.

[veggirl]

OMG! Do not send her any money! Do not pay any of her bills!

 

For her to imply that she wants you to and then accept your STUPID offer...wow SO inappropriate of her.

 

Don't give her money. Please.

[Gazzer92]

Tbh the way I feel for her has changed, its becoming more and more strange. Shes not the person I thought she was. I've just come off speaking to her, only spoke to her for 30 mins tonight, she said she fell asleep in class today because she didnt have any food, I asked her why she didn't have any food and she said because she doesnt have any money. She also goes without food often at home and lives off noodles because her mum cant afford to go grocery shopping often, and most of their income goes towards paying their bills. She kept mentioning how hungry she was to me, then she asked jokingly if she could borrow $500 and I just laughed it off. She then mentions that its her dads birthday (he doesn't live with her) coming up and she feels like shes a bad daughter because she can't afford to buy him anything, again it sounded like she was hinting for me to offer her some cash but I just reassured her and told her i'm sure her dad understands if shes got no cash but she said she still feels bad. I feel weird about the whole thing, I mean I love her but theres something not right about this, I feel like i'm being taken for a mug, but if it really is true then I feel sorry for her because she does seem desperate but i'm not prepared to give my money to someone I only know from skype so i'm not going to budge on this. I just feel like her feelings for me might not be real and that really hurts me as my feelings for her are real and I really have fallen in love with her, but its starting to get too much for me. I'm going to have to think long and hard about what i'm letting myself in for here before its too late.

[dasein]

Buddy, there is a giant hook in your mouth. Reach in, take it out, and swim away, unless you want to pay $8000 tuition and learn "Very Expensive Life Lesson." Trust me there are better, less expensive ways to learn.

[FitChick]

Trust me, she and her mother are not starving. We have welfare and food stamps in the US. I wouldn't put it past her to paint fake blood on her wrists saying she's slashed them. Get out now!

[jesslm_x0]

I definitely have been in a very similar situation. It started when I was in 9th grade (15 years old, roughly) and I lived in WV while he lived in Maine. I kid you not, every day for THREE years, we were talking constantly. We got along beautifully and we really loved each other; however, when he went to college (he was a year older than me), we drifted and it turned out to be for the better. He got into drugs and alcohol, doesn't have the spiritual beliefs that I do, sleeps around, etc. We got back in touch about a year ago, after my sophomore year in college, and I realized how good that break was even though I had kind of forgotten about him. I needed to move on and see what a real relationship was like and see the problems that we had that we didn't focus on. He got into drugs and drinking, sleeps around, doesn't have the same spiritual beliefs as me, and just all in all isn't on the same track as me. We are still great friends and I care so much about him, but I'm glad things didn't work out. I still have feelings for him and I always will, but that's how love is. It doesn't ever leave you. It's made our friendship beautiful, but that's all it ever will be.

 

Another example, I have developed feelings before meeting someone before and it didn't go well. This was kinda recently, too. We had met a few times when we were younger, but got back in touch over Facebook. He lived a couple hours away so we texted/skyped all the time for about 2 months, then when he came to see me I realized how off everything was. He had lied about a lot and was very awkward and backwards. Not saying it wasn't okay that he was nervous, but it was too much. One big thing was he lied about his size and it turned out he was FOUR inches shorter than what he said, so he was shorter than me..I AM ONLY 5'3 -.- we still talk and are friends, but it was a slap in the face.

 

Moral of these stories:

1) Don't let love cloud your judgement. You seem to be a lot like me when I was younger and in love with that guy and it isn't healthy and can lead to you overlooking major issues.

2) Meeting in person is absolutely VITAL. You really cannot know your true feelings until you experience them face to face. Trust me.

[Gazzer92]

Well thats it guys, I finally said goodbye to her just now. It was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, and I feel like absolute crap. I feel physically sick, but it had to be done. She didn't take the news well, she was crying and begging for me to stay and threatened to cut herself, but I stayed strong. Shes out of my life now, and I hope she gets all the help she needs because I love her so much and I want her to be happy. But it's not realistic, she lives too far away and she has too many problems that I just cant deal with. Its going to be a long road for me but i'm staying strong and keeping my head up, I will remember all the good times we had even if they were just online and I will never forget how she taught me to fall in love. Well the suns shining, the birds are singing and i'm off for a nice long walk in the park with my headphones, thank you all so much for your help and i'll keep you all posted on how I get on in the next few weeks, this place has helped me not feel so alone in all this so thank you all.

[Emilia]

So I told her that I have 8,000 in savings in my account and that i'd be willing to use it to come and see her, she said she'd rather I come before she starts college but the only thing is shes broke and has no money so I told her i'd help her out with funds and she said that would be great. Then she started telling me things about how her family are so poor and her mum can hardly afford to pay the bills and I told her I would try and help out and she told me that would be great if I could but I dont have too, but I want to help her and her family out.

 

 

Did she contact you? Were you on flirtbox by any chance?

[Emilia]

Well thats it guys, I finally said goodbye to her just now. It was the hardest thing i've ever had to do, and I feel like absolute crap. I feel physically sick, but it had to be done. She didn't take the news well, she was crying and begging for me to stay and threatened to cut herself, but I stayed strong. Shes out of my life now, and I hope she gets all the help she needs because I love her so much and I want her to be happy. But it's not realistic, she lives too far away and she has too many problems that I just cant deal with. Its going to be a long road for me but i'm staying strong and keeping my head up, I will remember all the good times we had even if they were just online and I will never forget how she taught me to fall in love. Well the suns shining, the birds are singing and i'm off for a nice long walk in the park with my headphones, thank you all so much for your help and i'll keep you all posted on how I get on in the next few weeks, this place has helped me not feel so alone in all this so thank you all.

 

I've just seen this. I think she was trying to scam you. There were a lot of Americans that tried to contact me on a site (I live in the UK too) and some were definitely after money. She tried to get you hooked and string you along to rip you off. Pretty sure about that

[Gazzer92]

I've just seen this. I think she was trying to scam you. There were a lot of Americans that tried to contact me on a site (I live in the UK too) and some were definitely after money. She tried to get you hooked and string you along to rip you off. Pretty sure about that

 

I really hope thats not true, but shes out of my life now. She added me to FB under a different account and recorded a video message begging me to take her back and threatening to cut herself and watch herself bleed, but I stayed strong and told her she needs help and I simply cant offer it to her. I just want her to be happy, and most importantly to be safe. I just cant deal with it, I just hope what she said isn't true because if she really does start cutting herself again I wouldn't be able to handle that. But then I guess i'll never know now.

[veggirl]

I really hope thats not true, but shes out of my life now. She added me to FB under a different account and recorded a video message begging me to take her back and threatening to cut herself and watch herself bleed, but I stayed strong and told her she needs help and I simply cant offer it to her. I just want her to be happy, and most importantly to be safe. I just cant deal with it, I just hope what she said isn't true because if she really does start cutting herself again I wouldn't be able to handle that. But then I guess i'll never know now.

 

Wow she is psycho. BLOCK her and do not add her again.

[bean1]

Wow she is psycho. BLOCK her and do not add her again.

 

If you know where she lives, you should contact her local police. She is either psychotic or a scammer. Get it on record incase this nutjob goes after you more.