Affair Agendas

[MissBee]

From my time here on LS, as well as my own experience, it makes sense that in the A triangle, different parties may have different agendas. In relationships in general, people often have different agendas as well and it is only through communication, transparency and observation of actions that one can see whether or not you have the same goals, desires and perspective on your relationship. I think a problem in all relationships (familial, platonic, romantic, professional etc) problems arise when we simply assume all are on the same page without actual forthright discussion or observation to see if this is indeed true.

 

My question is for those in As currently and those who have been previously (BS's are also welcome to chime in):

 

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

Edited May 21, 2012 by MissBee

[Got it]

From my time here on LS, as well as my own experience, it makes sense that in the A triangle, different parties may have different agendas. In relationships in general, people often have different agendas as well and it is only through communication, transparency and observation of actions that one can see whether or not you have the same goals, desires and perspective on your relationship. I think a problem in all relationships (familial, platonic, romantic, professional etc) problems arise when we simply assume all are on the same page without actual forthright discussion or observation to see if this is indeed true.

 

My question is for those in As currently and those who have been previously (BS's are also welcome to chime in):

 

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

1. Yes discussed very early on prior to the affair starting and then a "formal" discussion fairly early on going over all details, concerns, expectations, and timeline recapped in writing to make sure each party understood.

 

2. Some misconceptions and underestimating of emotional concerns. Further conversations/assessments, and therapy.

 

3. Intention was both parties divorcing, timeline was a year.

[MissBee]

1. Yes discussed very early on prior to the affair starting and then a "formal" discussion fairly early on going over all details, concerns, expectations, and timeline recapped in writing to make sure each party understood.

 

2. Some misconceptions and underestimating of emotional concerns. Further conversations/assessments, and therapy.

 

3. Intention was both parties divorcing, timeline was a year.

 

Thanks for the response. Did you go to therapy together while in the A or separately?

[MissBee]

To answer my own questions:

 

 

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

I really had no goal when the A started, I didn't know his relationship status and when we initially started communicating I wasn't taking him seriously at all. It was a casual friendship with romantic undertones initially and I think I just went along with this without any discussion or clarification.Mostly because I didn't think I was doing anything controversial since I wasn't aware. I think I just assumed we both liked each other and that was about as far as I thought into it...especially since we lived in different places.

 

 

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

When I did find out about his status, my automatic response was to be upset but then I also figured I didn't want anything serious, especially since we were living in different places, so I felt it would be no harm still talking and keeping up the EA. Later he began to get more possessive and started calling me his gf and then I began to wonder whether or not he wanted more. I still just assumed for a while before we actually spoke about it where I told him I don't think I make sense in his life so I know he won't choose me and he can't have two women forever. He replied that he didn't know what he wanted to do, but he just knew he wanted me in his life right now.

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

As in my previous response, no it wasn't. It was off the cuff and it was overtime I realized I was inlove and caught up but still knew realistically it wouldn't work. We spent lots of time trying to make rules that would help, but it was counterproductive as there was no way for us to control feelings and still expect to talk everyday and so on yet protect ourselves.

[Silly_Girl]

From my time here on LS, as well as my own experience, it makes sense that in the A triangle, different parties may have different agendas. In relationships in general, people often have different agendas as well and it is only through communication, transparency and observation of actions that one can see whether or not you have the same goals, desires and perspective on your relationship. I think a problem in all relationships (familial, platonic, romantic, professional etc) problems arise when we simply assume all are on the same page without actual forthright discussion or observation to see if this is indeed true.

 

My question is for those in As currently and those who have been previously (BS's are also welcome to chime in):

 

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

1. The intentions of the 'out' of the relationship were agreed early on. I raised it because I was going on a month's holiday and felt it would be an excellent recovery period if we were to break up, but we chose to stay together, and discussed in detail what we felt would be best, i.e. him moving out but not living with me.

 

2. After setting a plan he wanted to change timescales and I did not. He found the leaving process harder than he thought. Not for him personally, but his guilt caused him to react differently than he expected to. It affected us to the point we split up temporarily. We resumed our relationship when he moved out.

 

3. The relationship was never intentional, it was a casual friendly scenario that became loving very quickly and neither of us expected or was looking for that. Once we acknowledged the facts of the situation it was intentional i.e. he would move out within X months etc.

 

You are right about the importance of communication and conveying of intentions and goals. I think it's vital in any relationship and more so in an EMR.

[MissBee]

1. The intentions of the 'out' of the relationship were agreed early on. I raised it because I was going on a month's holiday and felt it would be an excellent recovery period if we were to break up, but we chose to stay together, and discussed in detail what we felt would be best, i.e. him moving out but not living with me.

 

2. After setting a plan he wanted to change timescales and I did not. He found the leaving process harder than he thought. Not for him personally, but his guilt caused him to react differently than he expected to. It affected us to the point we split up temporarily. We resumed our relationship when he moved out.

 

3. The relationship was never intentional, it was a casual friendly scenario that became loving very quickly and neither of us expected or was looking for that. Once we acknowledged the facts of the situation it was intentional i.e. he would move out within X months etc.

In my situation it was similar, except, he was in a relationship, he knew he was, so although he said he didn't expect to fall inlove, he put himself in that situation by becoming emotionally intimate with a woman not his gf. But after he fell inlove there was no intention of doing anything else or changing his life, as according to him he loved her and loved me too and didn't expect that. Him not changing his life made perfect sense though but for a long time we both tried to have our cake and eat it too..i.e. have two incompatible things coexist.

 

 

You are right about the importance of communication and conveying of intentions and goals. I think it's vital in any relationship and more so in an EMR.

 

Yep I am really realizing just how much I have assumed in friendships and relationships that has led to so much misunderstanding, confusion and disappointment. I just projected my own feelings and what I assumed someone was doping and what they meant...yet realized I haven't always been as careful as I should be in listening, communicating and paying attention

 

Response is bolded.

[Got it]

Thanks for the response. Did you go to therapy together while in the A or separately?

 

We went to IC during the affair but added on CC after he separated and continue to go to CC. I have always been a big advocate of therapy and see a lot of benefit with it.

[SoMovinOn]

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

Definitely the same. Discussed from the very beginning and ongoing.

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

Our goal is to both get divorced and she and I get married.

[skylarblue]

Unlike most, we started a PA immediately, literally within 24hrs of our first “hello”. We simply were attracted to one another and both leapt at a perceived opportunity. Our attractions were different. He was attracted to my physical appearance. For me, his profession and marital status weighed greatly in my attraction to him. Although it wasn’t discussed, xMM and I had the same agenda in the A which was sex. I had assumed the A would be short lived, and figure we’d see each other for 3months or so and then mutually and quietly fade out of each other’s life. I never thought (as didn’t he) our casual PA would have turned into a nearly 8yr R.

 

The A was mostly “off the cuff”. Surprisingly, we never discussed the A for 5yrs other then me telling him I’d never ask or expected him to leave his W, and if he didn't call me for 3 days I would assume things were over and never call him again (basically a free way out). I assumed a lot since I assumed an A came with typical rules, so from the beginning I already had the mindset of what an A was and how it was meant to be conducted and assumed that’s what xMM expected. I didn’t put any pressures or expectations on him so I think he was very comfortable with him and me being on the same page even though we didn’t talk about it.

 

Late in the R, I feel xMM and I had different expectations. I told him I felt like I wanted and was in a R with him, but he only wanted and was in an A with me, which he denied. We had several unsuccessful conversations to try to correct my feelings of it, and I tried to convince myself that he more than “loved me” but that he was “in love with me”. However, his actions were so unconvincing that it began to erode my attempted self persuasions and motivation to hang in there, until there was none. In the end, to prove my point, I began treating the R exactly as xMM was – restricted, limited, second-rate, and convenient. It greatly affected the R. It ended the R.

[maysapphires]

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

We started off in an EA and have talked about how goals since the very beginning, and more importantly how to accomplish them. As we get closer our goals have changed a bit but we're still on the same page.

 

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

There is an expected goal that he will get divorced and then we'll start to build a healthy relationship. I made it clear that I wouldn't be sitting around and the idea of an affair doesn't appeal to either of us. So far everything he has said he would do has been done, and we're only about 3 months into our A. We don't expect this to happen overnight or be easy but we've both agreed to try.

[Radagast]

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

Yes, we had the same goals, agenda and desires. Yes we discussed these very thoroughly. In the beginning before we started the affair we discussed what we both wanted and what we would expect from the other person and we also discussed this throughout the affair, especially when our goals and agendas started to shift.

 

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

 

We were always on the same page so this does not apply.

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

There was always a goal, and we both agreed on the goal, even though that goal changed over time.

 

My wife is a very clear and very insistent communicator. Coming from a marriage where communication was avoided and occluded I was both relieved and challenged by that but it was very good and very necessary for the sustainability of our relationship and has served us very well in our marriage.

[MissBee]

Unlike most, we started a PA immediately, literally within 24hrs of our first “hello”. We simply were attracted to one another and both leapt at a perceived opportunity. Our attractions were different. He was attracted to my physical appearance. For me, his profession and marital status weighed greatly in my attraction to him. Although it wasn’t discussed, xMM and I had the same agenda in the A which was sex. I had assumed the A would be short lived, and figure we’d see each other for 3months or so and then mutually and quietly fade out of each other’s life. I never thought (as didn’t he) our casual PA would have turned into a nearly 8yr R.

 

The A was mostly “off the cuff”. Surprisingly, we never discussed the A for 5yrs other then me telling him I’d never ask or expected him to leave his W, and if he didn't call me for 3 days I would assume things were over and never call him again (basically a free way out). I assumed a lot since I assumed an A came with typical rules, so from the beginning I already had the mindset of what an A was and how it was meant to be conducted and assumed that’s what xMM expected. I didn’t put any pressures or expectations on him so I think he was very comfortable with him and me being on the same page even though we didn’t talk about it.

Late in the R, I feel xMM and I had different expectations. I told him I felt like I wanted and was in a R with him, but he only wanted and was in an A with me, which he denied. We had several unsuccessful conversations to try to correct my feelings of it, and I tried to convince myself that he more than “loved me” but that he was “in love with me”. However, his actions were so unconvincing that it began to erode my attempted self persuasions and motivation to hang in there, until there was none. In the end, to prove my point, I began treating the R exactly as xMM was – restricted, limited, second-rate, and convenient. It greatly affected the R. It ended the R.

 

This sounds all too familiar, albeit with some differences. In my situation, I wanted more and I felt like he said he did and acted like he did in some aspects, yet there was NO action plan. Just talks of "I love you's"and wishing on horses and so on. I became frustrated, as I realized that while I was thinking of actual plans to be together, even simple things like him visiting more often, he'd not have much to contribute. All he had to contribute was "I wish things were different baby", "I want to see you too", "I miss you too" I was prioritizing him and racking my brain to make time for him, yet I felt like he didn't do the same. But at the same time he expected fidelity on my part and that I'd play the role of a faithful gf (which I did not, but it didn't help. As although I spoke to other men, I was not available for a real relationship with any because I was inlove with him).

 

But yes we had many unsuccessful conversations and his actions were also very unconvincing and it just had to end, as it became clear that he was happy in this suspended moment of pretend, while I was ready to be real.

[wellwhynot]

My responses in bold

 

 

My question is for those in As currently and those who have been previously (BS's are also welcome to chime in):

 

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

We very much have the same "agenda" so to speak, but I also don't find it necessary for there to be a fixed goal to my relationships. Relationships aren't something with definable, measureable goals, they don't have key performance indicators on which to assess things. To me, and him, if we are happy together, if the pros outweigh the cons and we are in love, then we have achieved our "goal"

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

Nope, I don't try and force him to leave, he has no plans to leave and I've always understood that. It was never part of the parcel that he would be leaving. I have noticed that over time we enjoy our time together so much that he consistently adds more time to our time than he did initially.

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

I think it's a common misconception that the relationship was "intentional" cause I don't know anyone that said, OH WHAT A GREAT IDEA THIS WILL BE!!! and found an AP. We were friends. We became really good friends and then one day the realization was there that it was so much more and we addressed that when we came to that realization. Rules huh? I guess I'm not really familiar with the concept of there being set rules to a relationship, but then my version of love seems to be so different than that of many people that post here.

But yes we had many unsuccessful conversations and his actions were also very unconvincing and it just had to end, as it became clear that he was happy in this suspended moment of pretend, while I was ready to be real.

To me, action plans are for job performance. I'd never put my partner, or our relationship on an action plan like an underperforming employee. I'm sorry your relationship wasn't what you wanted it to be, that you feel he was pretending and you wanted something real. That had to be frustrating and heartbreaking. I can't really relate to how much that must hurt, but I can imagine and I am sorry. I guess I'm lucky in my relationship that he's always been very real with me and his words are backed up. The difference may be that I never had any expectation of him leaving and I still don't.

[MissBee]

There is absolutely nothing to be sorry for as my heart is not broken and I am not lamenting over this bygone, but simply recalling what was at the time. I am leaps and bounds away from that and have no emotions about it but can reflect on it intellectually. Not sure if it was meant to be patronizing or what....I assumed the latter but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt

 

In any case, my entire life is intentional, as in, I consciously choose actions that I believe will provide certain results. It works well for me and helps me to attain goals in all areas: fitness, professionally, spiritually, romantically etc. I have plans and intentions for them all. I am very flexible and open, and can live off the cuff, but I also plan and have at least tentative long and short term goals that help me to organize my life. As they say, fail to plan, plan to fail. I can't control for everything in life but the fact that I have a vision and standards and goals for various aspects of my life, it helps me to attain my desires much more easily and to also change course should I need to. The people I admire in life, who have, do and are things that I too want, usually have this in common, so for me it only makes sense for my worldview that this is how I approach my life. Not everyone has to do this. The point of the thread was that people have different agendas and goals in life and often people don't approach relationships in the same way, so how did that look in their A? Did they and their AP have more or less similar goals and outlook and perspective on their relationship? Perhaps the words goals and agenda are throwing you off, as you view them in a very specific context, that of a job, whereas I meant it in a broader meaning of goals and agendas, where not only jobs can have goals or an agenda.

 

How you view your relationships contrasts with how I view mine and that is fine...the topic was not to critique and criticize other people's views but just to simply find out what they are and if within the A they felt like they shared similar goals and the same agenda as the the other person and if yes how did that play out, and if no, how did that play out as well.

Edited May 22, 2012 by MissBee

[wellwhynot]

There is absolutely nothing to be sorry for as my heart is not broken and I am not lamenting over this bygone, but simply recalling what was at the time. I am leaps and bounds away from that and have no emotions about it but can reflect on it intellectually. Not sure if it was meant to be patronizing or what....I assumed the latter but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt

 

In any case, my entire life is intentional, as in, I consciously choose actions that I believe will provide certain results. It works well for me and helps me to attain goals in all areas: fitness, professionally, spiritually, romantically etc. I have plans and intentions for them all. I am very flexible and open, and can live off the cuff, but I also plan and have at least tentative long and short term goals that help me to organize my life. As they say, fail to plan, plan to fail. I can't control for everything in life but the fact that I have a vision and standards and goals for various aspects of my life, it helps me to attain my desires much more easily and to also change course should I need to. The people I admire in life, who have, do and are things that I too want, usually have this in common, so for me it only makes sense for my worldview that this is how I approach my life. Not everyone has to do this. The point of the thread was that people have different agendas and goals in life and often people don't approach relationships in the same way, so how did that look in their A? Did they and their AP have more or less similar goals and outlook and perspective on their relationship? Perhaps the words goals and agenda are throwing you off, as you view them in a very specific context, that of a job, whereas I meant it in a broader meaning of goals and agendas, where not only jobs can have goals or an agenda.

 

How you view your relationships contrasts with how I view mine and that is fine...the topic was not to critique and criticize other people's views but just to simply find out what they are and if within the A they felt like they shared similar goals and the same agenda as the the other person and if yes how did that play out, and if no, how did that play out as well.

I'm sorry if you felt I was being critical of your relationship. I didn't mean it that way at all.

It's true that the words goal and agenda to me are very career related and may have colored my response, I do plan the majority of my life, very thoroughly actually, to the point where friends and family often tease me about it. That as a given, I also don't see relationships with an end-but I also have don't really see marriage as a goal for myself.

[MissBee]

I'm sorry if you felt I was being critical of your relationship. I didn't mean it that way at all.

It's true that the words goal and agenda to me are very career related and may have colored my response, I do plan the majority of my life, very thoroughly actually, to the point where friends and family often tease me about it. That as a given, I also don't see relationships with an end-but I also have don't really see marriage as a goal for myself.

 

That's fine.

 

If you don't see marriage as a goal then that certainly makes things a bit different in how you approach relationships. Likewise, not wanting kids or certain other things that require more stability, can allow for relationships to be more "as you go along" type situations. Back when I was in the A, as I mentioned, I was not thinking about the long term so the instability of the A didn't bother me that much. Although, after a while it started to, as I still wanted the option to plan long term and I did not have that.

 

Also in terms of desires -I did use desire as one of the options along with goals- I think that in the beginning my AP and I didn't have a goal but our desires were the same initially and overtime diverged. OR perhaps we never had the same desires but I just assumed we did, as some things can surely seem similar until time passes, then the difference becomes more apparent. I think initially we just had the desire to speak to each other and be in each other's presence and there was little else in terms of structure. While we both may not have desired an A (although I think he might have, as he pursued me knowing his status)...in the end, his desire seemed to be that he wanted me but had no desire of providing a substantial relationship or of making me his primary person. He was content with having two women. My desire on the other hand was for an out in the open relationship with the option of longevity and shared lived in all facets, more time and no sharing.

Edited May 22, 2012 by MissBee

[Bellechica]

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

-----we never discussed future plans or M, but he did say he wanted me to have a child with him. He was all over the place with his ideas and emotions. This started from the beginning of the PA.

 

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

 

--we fought and argued a lot. He would try to make me jealous sometimes and make me feel guilty for coming home to my family.

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

---it was intentional on either of our parts. A long time friendship which crossed way over the line. I wanted to end the A numerous times, but he would resume contact as "Just friends" until finally we both realized it was taking a toll on us and we agreed to stop.

[wellwhynot]

That's fine.

 

his desire seemed to be that he wanted me but had no desire of providing a substantial relationship or of making me his primary person. He was content with having two women. My desire on the other hand was for an out in the open relationship with the option of longevity and shared lived in all facets, more time and no sharing.

 

Again I think that's why I often don't really relate, because in my circumstance, he doesn't really hide me. We are very out in the open for the most part. I don't really want to share my living space permanently with anyone. I like my space. Visits and overnights and companionship is wonderful but I don't necessarily ever want someone to permanenty become part of my living landscape, mostly because I respect THEM more than that. Too often such arrangements lead to viewing your partner like living room furrniture. I prefer to view my partner as the amazing man he is. Although he is married to her, I would actually argue that I AM his primary relationship. He discusses his decisions with me, before he ever mentions them to her. When good or bad things happen, it's me he reaches out to. We spend more time together than he spends with his wife 50 out of 52 weeks a year. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to share him at all, but it makes him happy to stay married, I've always known that and it's something I have decided to accept. So I guess our desires are MOSTLY in sync? Or we are at least in agreement over what will be.

[MissBee]

Again I think that's why I often don't really relate, because in my circumstance, he doesn't really hide me. We are very out in the open for the most part. I don't really want to share my living space permanently with anyone. I like my space. Visits and overnights and companionship is wonderful but I don't necessarily ever want someone to permanenty become part of my living landscape, mostly because I respect THEM more than that. Too often such arrangements lead to viewing your partner like living room furrniture. I prefer to view my partner as the amazing man he is. Although he is married to her, I would actually argue that I AM his primary relationship. He discusses his decisions with me, before he ever mentions them to her. When good or bad things happen, it's me he reaches out to. We spend more time together than he spends with his wife 50 out of 52 weeks a year. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to share him at all, but it makes him happy to stay married, I've always known that and it's something I have decided to accept. So I guess our desires are MOSTLY in sync? Or we are at least in agreement over what will be.

 

Well I guess my idea of openness is that there is no person or specific persons that he has to omit the truth about our relationship from. In my A I did not have to hide and sneak literally, we could be out in the open, and his friends knew about me, but he still had to make sure his SO did not find out and would have to do things in that regard that a regular boyfriend would not. And those things were insulting to me.

 

I do understand where you're coming from, as my experience of my parent's marriage and what I saw of most people's made me one who is commitment phobic without realizing it. I was also emotionally unavailable...i.e. always choosing relationships that had some built in limitations, long distance, As, the guy worked a lot etc. I also began to realize that when I imagined marriage I always thought of some marriage where we both work a lot and basically one where it can be like dating, where it's always some happy romantic reunion as we have super separate lives. Even in my regular relationships I'd get antsy if I was staying with my boyfriend for too long and would feel like I needed some space. I realized, through introspection, reading on the subject and therapy, that this was not a normal preference, but really developed because of my fear of that furniture type arrangement you discussed. I had the subconscious belief that all relationships either end or get boring, so I would gravitate to one that was always exciting, because there was some catch to it and it lacked stability, as I equated stability and availability to boredom and furniture. T

 

I am not 100% over this mentality, but am at least realizing it is a bit counterproductive for me and also steeped in fears that I didn't know I had.I'm now learning that not everyone's marriage has to be like that and I can have my own life, interests etc and also be married or date someone. I guess I don't believe (as others have also espoused) that because they don't want a "full time partner" that this means an A is the only way to have such an arrangement or even the most ideal way.

[wellwhynot]

I guess I don't believe (as others have also espoused) that because they don't want a "full time partner" that this means an A is the only way to have such an arrangement or even the most ideal way.

 

I would agree with this. I don't think it's the only or even the most ideal way.

I would never actively have sought out this arrangement. But for him.. because of the way I feel about him and only him it works for me, for us. I guess what I'm trying to say is I chose him, not an affair. I have no intention of ever again being without him as part of my life, and he feels the same about me. His actions back it up. So, me ever being in another affair is really out of the question, as honestly, if I wasn't with him, or couldn't be, I'd much rather be alone.

 

Again, I think that's another indicator that I'm pro love, OUR love. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone but me...

[skylarblue]

Skylar what is an R vs an A? It's something I don't understand in our situation. Even before DDay H would refer to it as an A and she would get furious and say it wasn't R not an A. She wrote that As had "connotations that are not appropriate here"... I have never undwrstood.

 

Sorry don't mean to derail but I want to understand your reply and also see if it sheds light on Hs affair. PM if you prefer.

 

I don’t think it’s a derail since it’s still referring to what was asked about posters’ experience/thought in the original thread (right moderators?) but probably shouldn’t go much deeper in that direction just in case. That being said…

 

I will use A and R interchangeably, but I don’t consider them the same (subjectively). An A seems to suggests a less intimate R, more of a FWB connotation. No depth in feelings or emotions for/in the AP or the R, and the PA aspect is a predominant factor.

 

A R connotes something more intimate and “real” and for lack of better word “normal”. The APs are connected by the genuine love they feel for each other and it’s proven effortlessly through their actions. The R is more balanced (in effort, time, responsibility, selflessness), and the APs lives/interests are more deeply involved. Sex is a part of, but not the catalyst in the R, and the AP is/feels valued for the person he or she is, not any other factor.

 

We started off with the same agenda (an A), but I didn’t feel like xMM was “all in” in the R department.

[cocorico]

.My question is for those in As currently and those who have been previously (BS's are also welcome to chime in):

 

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

1 yes we had the same agenda, yes we discussed at the beginning and over time, no we made no assumptions.

 

3 we had goals.

[bentnotbroken]

From my time here on LS, as well as my own experience, it makes sense that in the A triangle, different parties may have different agendas. In relationships in general, people often have different agendas as well and it is only through communication, transparency and observation of actions that one can see whether or not you have the same goals, desires and perspective on your relationship. I think a problem in all relationships (familial, platonic, romantic, professional etc) problems arise when we simply assume all are on the same page without actual forthright discussion or observation to see if this is indeed true.

 

My question is for those in As currently and those who have been previously (BS's are also welcome to chime in):

 

1. Did you/do you feel like in your A you had/have the same agenda, goals and desires as your AP? Did you discuss these goals, desires, etc? Or was it simply assumed? Was it discussed at the beginning, overtime or when?

 

2. Did you/do you feel like you had different goals, desires, agenda? If so, how did you handle this? How did/do these differences affect the relationship? Did you find out these differences from the beginning or overtime?

 

3. Was the relationship intentional, as in, was there some expected goal that both agreed to or were working on, like the MP divorcing, it would only last 6 months, etc? Or was it simply off the cuff and you figured out the "rules", goals and trajectory as time went on?

 

 

Mr. Messy and his AP had a written out plan with their agenda. It did not jive with my agenda so I changed their agenda. Their rules, goals and time lines were completely thrown off by my new rules and time line. I suspect that I put a crimp in their style.

[beenburned]

BNB,

 

[MissBee]

Mr. Messy and his AP had a written out plan with their agenda. It did not jive with my agenda so I changed their agenda. Their rules, goals and time lines were completely thrown off by my new rules and time line. I suspect that I put a crimp in their style.

 

I have no idea why this is funny to me

 

That's the unfortunate part of an A for many APs. As much as for some the BS is irrelevant, in many more cases, this person is inextricably apart of the triangle, whether invisible or visible, and at any point can pull a string that upsets the apple cart of plans between the MP and their AP.