Affair Agendas

[woinlove]

In any case, my entire life is intentional, as in, I consciously choose actions that I believe will provide certain results.

 

I'm like that too. I intentionally was an OW, in that I knew he was married and didn't care. Neither of us had a goal in mind and neither of us seemed to care that he was married. Eventually, he cared more about us than I did, so I left.

 

Following up on the suggestion by wellwhynot that affairs aren't intentional - I'm intentional in all my R in that I decide whether to pursue the attraction or not. Even then, I also closed off a lot of men from consideration - obviously husbands of friends, relatives, etc., but also close colleagues and male friends. For any male friend that I like a lot and care about, I purposely respect that friendship and don't let myself get romantically involved, because I don't want to lose a good friend.

 

I notice that some say the affair just happened. I wonder if that is because they feel uncomfortable and/or guilty and don't like to think of having made a choice to pursue an A. Or maybe some were rather passive and didn't exercise much control over their lives. In any case, my A was intentional. It is not a decision I would make again, but it is the decision I made at the time.

[MissBee]

I'm like that too. I intentionally was an OW, in that I knew he was married and didn't care. Neither of us had a goal in mind and neither of us seemed to care that he was married. Eventually, he cared more about us than I did, so I left.

 

Following up on the suggestion by wellwhynot that affairs aren't intentional - I'm intentional in all my R in that I decide whether to pursue the attraction or not. Even then, I also closed off a lot of men from consideration - obviously husbands of friends, relatives, etc., but also close colleagues and male friends. For any male friend that I like a lot and care about, I purposely respect that friendship and don't let myself get romantically involved, because I don't want to lose a good friend.

 

I notice that some say the affair just happened. I wonder if that is because they feel uncomfortable and/or guilty and don't like to think of having made a choice to pursue an A. Or maybe some were rather passive and didn't exercise much control over their lives. In any case, my A was intentional. It is not a decision I would make again, but it is the decision I made at the time.

 

I think there might have been a confusing of intentional to mean "you got into this A because you love As"...when I meant intentional as in, conscious decision making processes. But most As aren't intentional, as most people's lives in general seem not to involve conscious decision making processes.

 

A lot of people live passive lives where not only in relationships, but other areas, they live off the cuff and "things just happen". I think that is the default setting for most people's lives and it is a process and choice to become one who lives intentionally. I never used to live that intentionally, now, everything I do is with purpose and some kind of goal in mind. Things rarely "just happen" to me now, as I pay a lot more attention to my emotional, physical and spiritual surroundings and my boundaries are a lot more defined.

[Benedictatu]

They had an agenda it was to steal the best years of my life and leave me with nothing when I am too old to find someone else.

[bentnotbroken]

I have no idea why this is funny to me

 

That's the unfortunate part of an A for many APs. As much as for some the BS is irrelevant, in many more cases, this person is inextricably apart of the triangle, whether invisible or visible, and at any point can pull a string that upsets the apple cart of plans between the MP and their AP.

 

 

I thought it was funny too, especially when he was served with papers...after I told him he would be. He didn't believe me. He thought that he hand his hand up my azz and I would say and do anything he wanted me to....because I had allowed a full analosocomy( yeah I just made that up:lmao:). Once his hand was removed my heart and brain began to function again and I had plans of my own.

[Got it]

They had an agenda it was to steal the best years of my life and leave me with nothing when I am too old to find someone else.

 

Benedictatu, I am sorry for the pain you feel. Why it seems like that was the intention I doubt it was a conscious and direct desire and decision. It was a byproduct. I also doubt you are too old to find someone else. You are never too old until the day you are in the grave.

[LadyGrey]

They had an agenda it was to steal the best years of my life and leave me with nothing when I am too old to find someone else.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.

 

Hugs...........

[Got it]

Gotit it was a byproduct but an inherent one. One they should have felt was too heinous to contemplate but didn't. I think that's the point. I think that's something no OW especially one living her goal would understand.

 

If that wasn't their agenda (generic here) then they wouldn't have had an affair. They would have told the wife straight up they intended to see where thigs led as then she like them would know where she stood. Not doing that shows a preparedness to steal her life in the night and pretend they just couldn't help it.

 

Also some OW it really is their agenda. Hs xOW planned out from a year prior to the A that she would become friends, then go and enmesh herself in his circle of friends and colleagues, then move to "relationship" aka affair then make it physical then get him on board to leave and get him to be free for a while before being open about it just do I'd never know it had been an affair. I know that's common. The rationalization is not wanting to be blamed when it was a dead marriage anyway but we all know she had no way to know that and that what might be possible in a marriage is changed irrevocably by the presence of an AP.

 

In her case she feared me telling her H and ruining her career and financial support. And if I had divorced H I might even ruin his career and nt care and ten she wouldn't have had a large part of what she wanted (a professional mentor).

 

 

BW - I do not feel my physical appearance is my be all and end all value that I will regret time spent even it it doesn't come to the fruition that I wanted.

 

There are no guarantees in life and so we do the best we can, hoping for the best but knowing that life does throw us some curve balls.

 

Why the wife isn't told right away? There are a multitude of reasons which have been mentioned in other posts.