Worried...

[cupcake25]

Hi all

 

So basically over the past 4 weeks or so, I have found myself less attracted to my boyfriend (we have been together for 2 years). This feeling fluctuates, sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not.

 

Before this phase, I was very happy. we had spoke about living together, marriage, and children. But now I am having doubts because of these weird feelings of attraction.

 

I care about him a lot and can't imagine him not being around. I am constantly thinking about it and it's really starting to get to me. I have spoken to him about it and although he says he understands, I don't think he does. I know he's upset (and he has every right to be!).

 

I don't know where these feelings have come from really. It just started one day when we were on holiday.

 

Lately, I've had a fair bit on my mind. My aunt passed away a few weeks ago, I am considering a change in job and I am just generally feeling a bit low and down.

 

Anyone else had anything like this happen? I don't want to throw in the towel and give up on us. He's a lovely person and I really do care about him.

[TheMongoose]

Ive kinda gone through the same thing. I just dont find my husband as attractive as i used too. Sometimes im attracted to him other times not so much! But looks have always been a big thing for me. He is def. the least attractive man ive ever been with! But he's also the funniest, sweetest, most caring guy ive ever met. I think its normal for the attraction to sometimes go after awhile. We've been together for 5 years we have both gained weight and there's pretty much not anything private in our house anymore.

 

The times when i dont find him attractive i just think about what i love about him and why i fell in love with him in the first place because it wasnt his looks! In the end looks fade, i love him for who he is not how he looks. I just have to remind myself that at times..

[cupcake25]

Thanks for your reply!

 

I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this!

 

He is a sweet, lovely caring person. Which makes me feel just terrible about what I'm feeling.

 

I think you're right. Looks do fade with time. I don't want to be without him, he's been there for me a lot. I just feel guilty that all of this has happened.

 

Thanks

[pillowcase]

So you girls are staying with your men because 'he's been there for me in the past?'

 

Forgive me for saying so, but without attraction there is nothing, nothing salvageable about a relationship. Once attraction fades, you are in what is commonly known as 'a rut'.

 

If you can't reignite the spark of the initial attraction, it really is best to leave because otherwise you will just end up resenting the guy.

 

Its a crap situation, but the unfortunate truth is that attraction fades over time. Familiarity breeds contempt and all that. Some lucky couples keep the spark alive all the way through; some couples lose it but find it again; but for a lot the spark just dies. Free yourself. Why stay in a relationship just because you have guilt about leaving, or because 'he's real nice and I guess I do love him really. Maybe.' That helps no-one. Not him. And especially not you.

 

When you're trapped in a rut, neither of you are growing or developing. Re-ignite the spark or do the honourable thing and set both of you free.

[cupcake25]

That's a good point. But I don't feel this way all the time, just some of the time. I can't imagine not being around him.

 

Oh I'm just so confused and worried about everything:(

 

Before this phase started I was completely 100% happy

[wellwhynot]

That's a good point. But I don't feel this way all the time, just some of the time. I can't imagine not being around him.

 

Oh I'm just so confused and worried about everything:(

 

Before this phase started I was completely 100% happy

 

You said you recently had a death in your family. Death can do odd things to your perceptions on life. Maybe don't feel like you have to make any kind of decision in the next few days. Give yourself a timeframe and say, I will look a this situation again on <date> and see where I am at. It may completely resolve itself, if not then you know that it is something you should address more thoroughly. But thinking about it all the time and obsessing on it will make what could be an inconsequential blip that goes away because you subconscioiusly hate the length his hair is, or you are depressed because of the passing of a family member, into a much larger problem than it needs to be.

If it doesn't go away, then yes, it's a big problem and I agree it can't really be resolved.

 

good luck. It was really honest of you to post this.

[cupcake25]

Thanks for everyone's replies.

 

I have tried to put it to the back of my mind but I'm really struggling! I just can't imagine him not in my life. Personality wise, he is everything I could ever want. I feel bad just saying that now... Sometimes I feel attracted to him, then other times I'm just not. Im terrified that if I break his heart I'll have thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me

 

I know nobody can make this decision for me but it's just toooo hard. I get on well with his family and vice versa and he is such a big part of my life I have no idea what id do without him:(

 

I've considered that maybe this is just a blip, but surely it's not normal for it to happen at this stage in our relationship?

[SunySmiles]

Hi! I'm going through the same thing with my fiance of 6 months. It'll be our 2 years in August. I've realized we both have different personalities and outlook in life. I'm more social, love to travel, and explore. He, on the other hand, likes to be in isolation and don't need a social life.

 

I talked to him yesterday about my feelings and he keeps on saying that I keep thinking it's always greener of the other side and makes excuses for me to stay. I don't need that. It's not that I don't love and care for him but in the long run when we get married it'll be detrimental for both of us. The fact is...I'd rather not waste his and my time so that we can both move on and find what we're looking for. He's a great guy, very caring, and loving but I don't believe a person should stay with someone only those reasons. It has to be both people reciprocating the same feelings and actions. As of right now, I don't reciprocate the same.

[TheMongoose]

I really have a hard time believing that you can find another person attractive 100% of the time. i have a hard believing that he can possibly find me attractive all the time too!

 

example:I didnt find him attractive the other day when i got home from work covered in mud and dirt and he's on the couch with his friends playing video games. Although he works 12hr days and cleaned the house already i was pissed(jealous) that he was relaxing while i was exhausted and dirty! I've found the times i dont find him attractive is when im stressed or upset. I find it unattractive how he so irresponsible with money how he makes more in one week than i do in 2 and yet he's always late on his one bill he pays a month!

 

But i love him more than anything, i dont want anybody else i cant imagine not waking up and being with him. I criticize him at times because its just easier for me to blame him than deal with my own problems.

[pillowcase]

That's a good point. But I don't feel this way all the time, just some of the time. I can't imagine not being around him.

 

Thats a starting point. Take that and build from there.

 

Oh I'm just so confused and worried about everything:(

 

Before this phase started I was completely 100% happy

 

It seems to be a woman's lot to worry about everything and anything. Hopefully you get past this and onto a better phase of the relationship soon. Are you in your 20s/ 30's? I ask because in my experience, women go through a large shift in wants, needs and desires in their mid 20's. The equivalent of a man's mid-life crisis.

 

Also having your life in turmoil for the past while can't be helping matters. Perhaps a little bit of time apart is in order while you reassess priorities in life?

[cupcake25]

Sorry I have taken so long to reply.

 

I'm 22. I have a lot of stuff going on at the minute... I am considering a change in job which would mean quitting and going to uni, and (although I hate to admit it) I suffer with mild depression. Things have been much better with my partner, we have an absolute scream together, I am crying with laughter almost everytime I see him, we have a lot of fun. The main issue now is that I feel guilty for having had these moments of not finding him attractive! I can't seem to stop beating myself up about it!

 

Surely it's normal to have some doubt? I don't know. I wish I could get rid of this issue. I can't imagine myself being with anyone else!

[FitChick]

We've been together for 5 years we have both gained weight

Why don't you both embark on a health and fitness program? You can support each other and become more attractive to each other.

[CarrieT]

I'm 22.

 

Surely it's normal to have some doubt? I don't know. I wish I could get rid of this issue. I can't imagine myself being with anyone else!

 

Yes - it is VERY normal. You are in a very young phase of your life where you bonded early with someone and have ideas and expectations of spending the rest of your life with them.

 

But - and here is an old person telling you the truth - you are growing and learning more about yourself now and that is a very important thing. You both are going to start having different ideas, goals, and directions. It is part of maturing and becoming the adult you were meant to be.

 

I wish someone had told me these things when I was your age; instead, I got married to my 20-something boyfriend when I was 20-something and was divorced by 25 as we simply matured into different people.

 

It doesn't mean you can't always care about the other person. But it may mean you are not meant to spend your lives together as a couple.

[wheream_i]

Jeez, such wishy-washy emotions going on here.

 

Is this one of those things where "I only married him because I thought he'd make a great father and he gave me security. Otherwise, he's fat, lame in bed and unattractive."

 

OP, you just want him around because you don't want to me lonely and he makes you laugh and he's been there for you in the past? Sounds like you need one of those "a**hole" type bad boys that treat you like crap. Would you have any problem being attracted to that and wondering why doesn't give you the attention you require?

 

I apologize, I'm not trying to be a jerk here but it's just the responses here are so typcial.

[cupcake25]

I'm not married...

 

Also, why would I be attracted to an arsehole who treats me bad?

 

I feel terrible :/

[RR1]

Yes of course it's normal, it's 100% normal. Ask yourself this, how do people stay married for 25-50 years? Do you think they still find each other as attractive as the day they first met? Of course not. It's natural for these feelings to fluctuate a bit. That's why it's important to have other things in common. You mention you have a great laugh together. Well a good sense of humor is one of the most attractive qualities there is. Friendship is so important as well. These are the most important things in a relationship. When you first start seeing someone it's natural to be infatuated with them, that has to fade a little bit, i'm sorry but it just does. What would be worrying would be if you didn't find him attractive at all. A relationship is up and down and requires work. Part of the initial attraction is the mystery a person has to you. Once you start to know more about them the mystery starts to fade and that was a part of what attracted you to them in the first place.

When i look at my g/f i don't see a pretty girl, what i see is the most beautiful woman i have ever seen in my entire life ever, that's the truth. But when you see someone everyday you have to accept that might not always be the case. At the moment it feels like it will always be that way but i'm sorry life just isn't a fairy story. At least i know that if i don't always have that level of passion i know i'll still have the best friend i've ever had, the most loyal friend i've ever had, the funniest person i've ever known, one of the most intelligent people i've ever known. In short all of the real things that make a person a partner and attracted me to her in the first place. And i know that even should the initial infatuation fluctuate it will still come back because we have built the relationship on solid foundations with all those qualities above.I also know that those feelings will fluctuate but if they were there in the first place they will not just vanish and they will come back. It's natural to have doubts from time to time, just don't let those doubts talk you out of something good. Trust me you will know for absolute certainty when those feelings for him have gone for good. You will just know. At the moment you are just experiencing the natural ups and downs of a relationship that everyone has. Ask people that have been together for a long time if this is natural to be feeling this. Find some friends who have been together for ten years or more and ask if they have ever had those feelings. I guarantee the answer will be yes. A relationship has to be worked at. If you bolt every time you have a little nagging doubt of some sort you'll get into a habit of doing it and you'll talk yourself out of every relationship you ever have, in short your doubts win every time. Be strong and believe in yourself and him. If it get's to the sage where you never find him attractive then you are not having doubts at that time you have simply moved on. Now is not that time, now is just a natural curve in the relationship.

Hope that is of some assistance.

Edited June 1, 2012 by RR1

[NervisPervis]

Please leave him. For both of you. I am so freakin' tired of typing the "don't end up like me and my wife because she was too chicken-s.h.i.t to leave me when she fell out of love with me" story again.

 

You just joined this month. Have you been reading prior to that? Go to some other sites (talkaboutmarriage.com has a lot of posters). A LOT of women (most?) fall out of love with their husbands. The bad news is they rarely come back. Please leave him.. For HIM, not you.

[cupcake25]

Thanks!

 

Just to reiterate, I definitely haven't fallen out of love with him at all, that's just not the case at all.

 

I agree that initial attraction fades of course, it's just that I've never found myself in this situation and I was really starting to beat myself up about it.

 

I think we'll be fine:)

[RR1]

You know sites like LS serve a good purpose but i think there are problems with them. I find it a bit disturbing that someone may come on a site like this expressing a small doubt about a long term relationship and then people feel qualified enough, based on a few small snippets of information from one of the people involved not even both the people, to pronounce the relationship dead and buried and telling the person to scrap the relationship because it's all over. Show me a couple that have been in a long term relationship and claim never to have had the odd small doubt and i'll basically show you a liar. There is no one, really no one, that doesn't have the odd small doubt from time to time. There is a reason why we have what is called a "honeymoon" period in a relationship when all you can think of is the over person, they are all you can think of 24/7. That just can't last forever. After it has subsided a bit the normal troubles that occur in a relationship start to happen. It's natural to have doubts occasionally, it's natural to have arguments from time to time - no it's not natural it's actually healthy because it's human nature and it also means you are airing grievances which may have built over a period of time but you let slide for a bit. What is unnatural is when all you have is doubts and when all you do is argue, that's when you have to seriously consider if the relationship has run it's course.

 

With a site like LS people invariably come on here after they have had an argument with their partner or when they are experiencing some doubts and they put their thoughts on here. The thing is when we are telling our side of the story we will naturally bias the sequence of events to favour ourselves, so for example if we have had an argument when we tell people about it we will tell it like we were in the right and perhaps leave out small bits of information that show the other party in a better light. We all do it, everyone does it. The point is we only hear one side of the story on something like LS and yet people feel qualified to suggest that the relationship is beyond repair and the other person is a psycho bunny boiler.

I just think more people should sit and think about things a bit longer before jumping in with their expert psychological evaluation and pronouncing the relationship doomed. I also notice that the individuals most prone to doing this in many cases seem to have about 10,000 entries on the site indicating that maybe they don't actually have that much actual in person interaction with other individuals but mainly seem to have online relationships and acquaintances, so are perhaps the least qualified people to pronounce on the statue of a relationship. So please try to remember before you suggest to someone that their relationship is broken beyond repair you have only heard a few select bits of the overall story.

Think i may start a new thread on just this subject because i think it's worth further discussion.

Edited June 2, 2012 by RR1