Living together but separate........

[LostinEmotion]

Does it ever work if two people decide to live separate lives in the same house together? My husband and I are going to get a divorce because he slept around w/my best friend and now he's decided he's in love with her. I still have a lot of emotions attached to him, but at the same time I just don't want him back. We have a lot of financial issues and 3 small (3, 7, 9) children together. We have been seriously contemplating living in the same house while he pursues his relationship with her and I pursue dating again, because we still have several bills we need to take care of before we can financially split. We also are going to go ahead and keep it quiet and get a divorce on paper right now. He's not fighting me on any issues and knows that I have the grounds to really stick it to him. I just wondered if there's anybody else out there that has tried to do this and failed miserably or did this & succeded. He and I have both agreed that we do love each other and care about each other, but there really doesn't seem to be anything else between us besided kids and bills. We decided to keep an open mind and see if during this transition we could figure out if we did have any feelings, but I don't think that we do anymore. We would not do anything that would allow our children to know what is going on, and we also wouldn't be together physically anymore because that would just be confusing when we do split up. When the time comes, maybe at least he & I will be able to remain friendly for the kids sake and make the real transition for them easier. Any thoughts?

[almostANangel]

Wow, that is a tough road to go. I had a live in bf once, and we broke up but do to financial obligations lived "seperate, but together" for 2 months. I honestly was suicidal. And that was just a bf not a husband. I hope you are a very strong person and have seperate bedrooms, because this is going to be very stressful. And don't think that you are going to hide this from your 9 year old because he is going to wonder why daddy is talking to mommy's friend so much and mommy goes to dinner with other guys. My suggestion is if you are going to do this, get a good psychologist because you are going to need it!

[Olivia_19742004]

I just recently tried the separate - but living together and it was hard. It only lasted a week because he convinced me that our marriage was too wonderful to let go and he wanted to make things work. It's very easy to find yourself maintaining the same daily routines and you can quickly forget the fact that you're separated. It may be different in your situation since your husband is in love with someone else and may not try to convince you to work things out. Just be sure to set ground rules. What is or isn't acceptable. Good luck.

[tiki]

I can't imagine that in a million years.

[LostinEmotion]

As far as the kids go, they would not be privy to seeing me with other guys, or him with her. That would be done very discreetly. She lives an hour away so they would not be around people that we know. He is not trying to make me think we're trying to work it out. I think he & I are both under the impression that it is over with between us. He doesn't know for sure how he feels about her, but he thinks it's "real" love. I guess that's as opposed to the love we've had all these years, but he's not lying about any of that. I don't really know how I feel about him. I think that there's always a part of you that wants things to work out because of all of the years you've put in, the money, and especially the kids, but I don't think I could ever want to be in a relationship with him again, because he allowed himself to get that caught up in someone else. I couldn't ever give him all of me again because of what he's done with her. I do think you're right about a good psychologist though. As far as the suicidal thing goes, I won't say it didn't cross my mind. I think that we all feel that way when something happens like this, but the bottom line is that I would never do that to my children (and that s--- isn't going to raise my kids). I appreciate the feedback. I know that it seems stupid to try something that you know isn't going to work, but at the same time, I don't really know what else we can do at this time due to finances. It will probably take 6 to 8 months to get our finances in order, and with this hanging over our heads that is a long time. If we're lucky, this arrangement will probably last all of 2 weeks (lol). Thanks.

[Yikes]

Wow, that is very stressfull. I had to do that last summer and was my worst summer ever. My wife was seeing my "ex-friend" but not in front me or the kids because he was (and is) still married. Basically we toughed it out while we worked out the sale of our home. We are still trying to wrap up one last financial issue but have been living apart since last fall. We each spent a week or so with our parents, and tried to give each other as much space as possible. I spent 4 or 5 weekends with my kids at a friends cottage which was a tremendous help. It is "do-able" but I wouldn't recommend it if you don't have to. I also would not be in any hurry to begin dating again. I decided that I would wait a year before I even thought about dating again, I wanted a little time to get organized and focus my energy on my kids, they are my number one priority. Last night was the 1 year mark and I am still gun-shy about the entering the dating scene again. Life is less complicated and safer with just me and the kids. I plan on taking things really slow. I have been lonely for so long I can do lonely standing on my head.

 

Good luck

[LostinEmotion]

I agree. I'm not really interested in dating anyone else, other than on a friend to friend basis. I have a couple of guy friends (and they are just friends - no chance of that) that have been through some rough situations similar to mine, and we talk about it. I think it helps to talk it out with people that have been in your shoes. They know the range of emotions you can have from one minute to the next. I don't have any wishes right now to get into any type of real relationships with any men. I don't know how I get to the point of ever fully trusting someone again. I gave this a--hole all of me for 11 years, and he doesn't even deny it. When I was going the route of trying to figure out why this happened and was trying to see my blame, he honestly told me that I had done nothing. That he had no reason to leave me, except that he loves her. This whole situation is agony in itself, but I don't really see any easy way out of it. Financially he's going to have to pay me well on a weekly basis, and he better stay involved with our children, but we still have several financial issues that have to be addressed and we can't afford to keep up 2 homes and pay these. I just don't really see that he & I have much of a choice at this point. I also don't really know if I can stand living a lie anymore, or if I can stand knowing when he's w/her. I've always been such a strong willed and fun loving person. Now, on a daily basis, I pretty much feel tired, depressed, helpless, lonely, hurt, desparate, anxious --- and since I have 3 kids, most of the time, I have to hide all of that & put on an ok face. They're not stupid, they see through some of it, but I can't allow them to have to look at me grieving all the time. It's not good for them. I just wish that I had another option other than letting him stay & help me with the bills for a while, but my lotto numbers don't seem to come up. Thanks for the input. It's nice to know that someone else knows deep down how you feel. It doesn't change things, but it does seem to make you feel justified in all of the feelings you have going.

[Yikes]

It is rough going when you can't afford to maintain another residence for one of you. We tried keeping the kids in our family home while each of us would take turns living back home with our parents. I love my parents and had great family support, but HATED being there, I just felt like such a failure. I wound up doing two weeks away while my wife did one.

 

You will get through this, and you will likely feel a huge relief when you can finally get into your own place. I was shocked at how much stress I was really under. I still struggle on the weeks that I do not have my kids, but it gets a little better every week. I don't miss my wife one bit... there was nothing left to miss. I certainlly don't miss being lied to, cheated on and treated with total disrespect. Fortunately she still treats me with disrespect, so it always a good reminder of what I'm NOT missing. Financially I am REALLY tight, but for the first time in a long time, I am not going backwards, so thats a good thing. As soon as we finish clearing off one last debt, I am finished with her financially and that will relieve some stress and make life a little easier.

 

I understand your frustration about wasted years. I should have ended things at the first sign my wife messing around, but I always felt that everyone deserves a second chance. If I had to do it over again... I don't know? The up side of handling things the way that I did is I can hold my head high knowing that I did everything I could do to spare my kids from a broken family. I still have a good relationship with my inlaws all things considered. That is important for my kids to see, I don't want my kids stressing out over this.

 

Make time for yourself, keep up a strong face in front of the kids and focus on the good things that you have going on in your life. I don't know how many times I told my ex that "if you want to find reasons to be miserable, you can always find them and if you want to be happy, there is lots to be happy about". I prefer to embrace the good things no matter how small they are because I do not want negative things messing up my new start.

 

Hang in there.

[seahorse]

Hi,

 

I have been doing this for two and a half years and it is killing me. Basically, my husband told me two years ago in Feb that he had been having an affair. He had been having this affair for five years up to his confession, and I never guessed a thing.

I pretty much immediately threw him out of the house, and told him to go and live with her if she was so damn good. Six months later he was back, saying he couldn't live with her and could he move back "just for the sake of the kids". (We have three boys) I eventually gave in on this, (he told me he couldn't afford maintenance for me if he had to set up by himself) but he was told he was to sleep in another room. He eventually converted an office to a bedroom for himself. This was accessable only from outside the house, and apart from eating with the boys, and being civil to each other, we lived seperate lives. However, it was slowly eating away at me. Not a marriage, neither one thing or another. Eventually the inevitable happened. Last Summer I met someone else. We began an affair within a couple of months. Not in my mind a real affair, as as far as I was concerned my marriage was long dead. However, at Christmas my husband found out and went absolutely mad.

I went to a solicitor immediately and told her about everything, and she advised me to go for divorce. I wished then that I had gone for the divorce very soon after my husband's confession to me. However, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I eventually made the deal with my husband that I would wait until my eldest son's exams were over before making a move.

Last night I told him that I was ringing the solicitor to start proceedings tomorrow. He is not happy. He told the children about the divorce whilst out with them on a trip today. I wasn't there, so they have had his version. I have tried to put them right, explaining exactly how things are. It's pretty tough here right now, and lots of tears have flowed today, but I'm not giving in. I just wish I hadn't left it two years.

 

Seahorse