I feel so abandoned.

[abandonedandlost899]

here is my story. Im sure you are all used to wall of text. so..

 

About a month ago my husband was acting really quiet and i knew something was going on in his head. I gave him his space. Maybe i shouldn't have... I was washing dishes and he just sat there at the table. He never does that. I was making light conversation with him he seemed disinterested. I go sit down in the living room and he calls me back. Lays a bombshell on me that he hasnt been happy for a while and that he wants a separation.

He told me that he didn't want to be like our parents who dont talk. See the thing is we did talk. we talked about everything. I think what he means though is talking about when we would have arguments. But we hardly had any. I was happy. I thought he was happy.

 

He blindsided me with all this.

 

He says his reason is because of what i did 4 years ago. I was exchanging some emails with a old crush. I fell in to the trap of taking his flattery and went along with it. The emails hinted at getting together but nothing ever happened. I put a stop to it because i knew it was wrong. i cut all ties with this guy. But then my husband found one email i forgot to delete. I should mention that while all this was happening he was on a 15month deployment. I understand that he was hurt. When he came back we talked about what i had done and we agreed that we would continue our marriage. we love each other.

 

He is using this as an excuse 4 years later to leave me and our daughter. He has since moved out with a friend. I've tried asking him why hes doing this now. if he was having such a hard time forgiving me how come he didn't seek counseling. when i asked him that in a letter i wrote him he was offended i would even suggest that. he says hes happier then hes been in years. it hurts to hear. I asked him to his face if he still loved me and he told me no. But how can he say no. In the beginning of april we were talking about having another child and talking about when would be the right time to buy our first home.

I want to save our marriage. I love him dearly.

 

I don't know how many times he wants to hear how sorry i am that i lost his trust. Its like he is punishing me again for it.

I don't know what to do. I want him to come home.

 

when i tried to talk to him on multiple occasions. he gets angry at me and tells me that he is not the screw up... in more colorful language. He never spoke to me like that before. He says he is done. He doesn't even want to attempt to fix anything... i wasn't aware there was anything to be fixed..

 

I've started going to therapy. I've spiraled in to a deeper depression that i have ever experienced. I feel so abandoned and lost. I've been told to give him time because the pushing might drive him away.

 

 

if its of any help we have been married 6 years

 

sorry if this is all confusing and jumbled

[tojaz]

Welcome to LS, sorry you have to go through this.

 

4 years is a long time to wait to get that out in the open. What else has been going on that may have triggered this?

 

Work stress, friends or family getting divorced, new friends etc. There has to be contributing factors here. Since someone will say it eventually, is there a chance that he has met someone else?

 

Giving him space right now is probably the best and counseling will help you a great deal, glad to hear you acted quickly.

 

Keep posting, it helps.

 

TOJAZ

[abandonedandlost899]

I asked him if there was someone else. He says no. He got pretty mad that i would even suggest it when I asked him. He said " Do I look like i have time and money to be taking out other B**ches"

 

He works 2nd shift and Goes to school in the mornings. No doubt he is stressed but he says its not that.

He has started hanging out with friends i have never met. I think he met them through work. But now that he has been gone he has been going out at least 3 times a week. I can see it on the bank statements and when he shows up dressed to the nines at 4 or 5 am to sleep on the couch. I asked him why he slept here the first time he did that and he said because he didn't want to be late to take our daughter to school. He has kept up his responsibilities regarding our daughter.

[96nole]

4 years is way too long for him to have been holding these feelings. I think he is using it as an excuse to leave.

He recently started being quiet- red flag

He's dressing different- red flag

He's hanging around different people- red flag

He's talking nasty to you - red flag

He's blaming you for being a screw up - red flag

 

I think there is someone else. Those are some red flags for cheaters. If he's out all night several days a week, then he does have time for b*tches. I would suggest doing some checking. Check his email if you can. Check his phone if you can. Hire a private investigator.

 

I understand your feelings. I understand your depression. You need to understand it is not your fault. He is going to blame you to make himself feel better about what he is doing. This is all on him.

 

It's good you're going to therapy. Also, if you haven't already, tell all your friends and family. You need everyone you can get to support you.

[whichwayisup]

He let his fester for four years and resentments built up over time. Fact that he blew up when you asked about if he is seeing someone else confuses me. Either he is telling the truth and cannot believe you had the guts to ask him that, or there IS someone and he just doesn't want you to know.. Yet. Either way, callin a woman the B word was totally unncessary for him, which makes me think he just is full of anger that he needs work through.

 

Suggest counselling and GO with him, as well as he goes on his own. To throw away a marriage without trying is something he might regret one day.

 

You two are separated in the sense so he can have space? To work things out? Or is this leading to the path of divorce? This is something that you two need to talk about..

 

Sorry you're hurting and I hope things work out between you two.

[tojaz]

He is angry and anything you ask or say is most likely going to be taken negatively. Have you asked if he would be willing to go to MC?

 

One of the common threads around here is that when someone is unhappy with their life, they usually look for someone else to blame, often times that is a poor unsuspecting spouse.

 

Couple a demanding job/school and new friends who like to go out and live it up regularly, it is easy to take a dim view of things and he looks how he got there. Most people are unable to take ownership of the choices they have made though, so they have to make it the fault of someone else.

 

How were things before he started staying out to all hours with his new friends?

 

TOJAZ

[abandonedandlost899]

 

Suggest counselling and GO with him, as well as he goes on his own. To throw away a marriage without trying is something he might regret one day.

 

You two are separated in the sense so he can have space? To work things out? Or is this leading to the path of divorce? This is something that you two need to talk about..

 

 

I tried asking him to seek counseling. He got offended and tells me he doesnt need it. in his words he is done.

He asked for separation but didnt mention anything about divorce yet. I dont know what exactly he wants out of a separation. The day he droped the bomb on me he said he wanted to separate for a while. But then the next day when i asked him if he loved me and said no. he said there wasnt anything i could do to fix it.

 

How were things before he started staying out to all hours with his new friends?

 

 

I knew he had some new friends from work. He had gone to a few birthday parties and BBqs but never asked me to come along. I dont know if it was a boys night out or what. Things were fine. I never had a problem with him going out. Of course now it bothers me because he thinks hes single and can do single guy stuff like go to the bars every other night.

 

When i asked him if there was someone else additional to B statement. He said

"what you think im making excuses to leave for another woman?"

I have checked the phone records and checked all the numbers with his icloud account. The numbers all point to males. Unless he has changed names on it to dusguise it. But the bank statements only show purchases at bars and such that would only cover one person. They aren't exsesive. I can see where he goes based on that find my iphone app. Its all under one of my emails.

based on the times he is somewhere i can check who he called around that time. i could tell you who lives where according to those calls. there is only one place that doesn't add up. Never any calls before showing up to this particular place. Sometimes goes there right after work. And sometimes (well one time, i have been checking since) he will go there first before coming to pick up our daughter in the mornings. I have one of his email account info and nothing shows up there either. He is not aware that im doing this. im sure now that he sold his motorcycle he is going to be using that money instead of the bank money. He said he would deposit it today but he didnt. (edit: i just checked. He only deposited 600 i guess he kept 100 for himself)

 

The dressing different part... couple months ago before the holidays he told me he was speaking to a school counselor about some Major choices and he mentioned he wanted a job where he could wear nice clothes and not a uniform and the counselor told him he didn't need a nice job to dress nice. so he started dressing up more often. even to go to the mall or a restaurant. He even tried to get me to dress nicer. I didn't want to change how i dressed! He asked me one time why i didn't dress like I did for work on a regular basis. I'm a jeans and funky tshirt kind of girl i guess. I don't like wearing dress shoes. I like vans slip ons. Constantly berating the clothes I bought. never liked the shirts i bought. especially the type of shoes.

 

He would pick fights over my cat. on how there was so much hair on his clothes. I even offered to take hair off his clothes when ever he asked. and still. one time he demanded i get rid of the cat because here was to much hair.... under the bed. are you kidding me? The way he saw it there were mountains of hair everywhere. If you come in my house you wouldn't think i had a cat until you saw a liter box. there is no hair on the couches. Of course there is going to be hair on the crap you left on the floor!

 

Im so angry at him he blows up at me one night and the next he is here teaching our daughter to ride her bike and asking for my car keys to check my fluids. He acts like nothing is wrong in his world. All while im home and hes out and im laying in bed crying all night.

 

 

if its of any help im 26 and he will be 27 next week. (sigh) and our 6th aniversary is june 2nd.

Im going to die of anxiety and panic attacks.

Edited May 23, 2012 by abandonedandlost899

[Steen719]

I i could tell you who lives where according to those calls. there is only one place that doesn't add up. Never any calls before showing up to this particular place. Sometimes goes there right after work. And sometimes (well one time, i have been checking since) he will go there first before coming to pick up our daughter in the mornings.

 

I would investigate who this is if you have decided that you want to know what he is doing. This sounds suspect.

 

if its of any help im 26 and he will be 27 next week. (sigh) and our 6th aniversary is june 2nd.

Im going to die of anxiety and panic attacks.

 

So sorry....it hurts. You won't die from it; you will just feel like you will. It will get to be manageable in time.

 

4 years is way too long for him to have been holding these feelings. I think he is using it as an excuse to leave.

He recently started being quiet- red flag

He's dressing different- red flag

He's hanging around different people- red flag

He's talking nasty to you - red flag

He's blaming you for being a screw up - red flag

 

I think there is someone else. Those are some red flags for cheaters. If he's out all night several days a week, then he does have time for b*tches. I would suggest doing some checking. Check his email if you can. Check his phone if you can. Hire a private investigator.

 

I understand your feelings. I understand your depression. You need to understand it is not your fault. He is going to blame you to make himself feel better about what he is doing. This is all on him.

 

It's good you're going to therapy. Also, if you haven't already, tell all your friends and family. You need everyone you can get to support you.

 

96nole is right with the above. Go to therapy and get support where you can. Good luck.

[abandonedandlost899]

I left my house last weekend while he was here. We live in his fathers building in our own unit. so he came to visit his dad with his older brother. I had to leave. I couldn't stand his laughing and all around happiness. so i left with out telling anyone and just drove around aimlessly with tears in my eyes. ended up parking in a forest preserve and cried more. then it got to dark and i went and sat in store parking lot until about 10pm. Then i started getting calls from him and txt. But i didnt answer them. when i got home he asked what was wrong because he saw that i was visably upset.

I wouldn't tell him what was wrong with me. He should freaking know! I ended up telling him why and he responded with Not this again. that's when he blew up and told me i was the one who Fd up not him. then she stormed out. I was so upset that i threw a shoes at the door. then he came back even more mad and told me That if i couldn't handle the house and our daughter the he will gladly take over so he doesn't have to live in "that Sh*t hole" as he called his place. that i think im special because im the one who handles the bills online.

the next day he is here teaching our daughter to ride her bike and asking for my car keys to check my fluids. He acts like nothing is wrong in his world. All while im home and hes out and im laying in bed crying all night.

[tojaz]

He acts like nothing is wrong in his world. All while im home and hes out and im laying in bed crying all night.

 

From his perception, nothing IS wrong, and this should be clear as crystal to you and he can't fathom how you can't understand it.

 

When someone drops the bomb, they have spent a lot of time making the decision. Analyzing and justifying in secret while they work up the nerve to drop it on you. By the time they do they already have a handle on things, dealt with the emotions and have calculated an "answer" to every question so they can do it from a position of power.

 

That leaves the left behind spouse to play catch up. They not only have to gain an understanding of what is happening, but also have to try and climb over roadblocks that had been built weeks, months, and sometimes even years before hand waiting for the ambush.

 

All that preparation done behind closed doors makes someone who is choosing to stand for their marriage at a severe disadvantage. Add a sense of panic and the world spirals out of control.

 

From what you have shared so far, it sounds like a GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) situation. You both started very young and had a child while you both were still figuring out who you are, things go well until he meets up with some new friends (probably single) who are living a much different life and he wonders what he may have lost out on.

 

Its black and white thinking. He cannot see a way to balance his home life with the rest so he feels he must get rid of the old and replace it with the new rather then adding it to what is already there. He wants to be more like his friends and he will do what they do, and like I said they are most likely single and unburdened.

 

Just my speculation, would you agree with any of this?

 

TOJAZ

[96nole]

 

When someone drops the bomb, they have spent a lot of time making the decision. Analyzing and justifying in secret while they work up the nerve to drop it on you. By the time they do they already have a handle on things, dealt with the emotions and have calculated an "answer" to every question so they can do it from a position of power.

 

That leaves the left behind spouse to play catch up. They not only have to gain an understanding of what is happening, but also have to try and climb over roadblocks that had been built weeks, months, and sometimes even years before hand waiting for the ambush.

 

All that preparation done behind closed doors makes someone who is choosing to stand for their marriage at a severe disadvantage. Add a sense of panic and the world spirals out of control.

 

TOJAZ

This is so spot on it's scary. I especially love the part

"By the time they do they already have a handle on things, dealt with the emotions and have calculated an "answer" to every question so they can do it from a position of power."

That is exactly how my STBX was. She already had an answer to all my questions and in a way to make it look like it was my fault. Looking back, I can see was making plans a few months before i found out the second time she cheated. There was a lot of planning going on. That's why is was so easy for her.

She tried to blame me for not being connected to her. But it was her that broke the connection.

 

Good job Tojaz. Your really put it words that make the most sense.

[pteromom]

As I was reading your OP, I too picked up on the red flags and I definitely think there is someone else.

 

Turning it around to be YOUR fault he's leaving (due to something you did 4 years ago?) is CLASSIC guilt deflection.

 

Being able to completely turn his emotions off is likely because he is sharing that emotion with someone else.

 

Can you afford an investigator? If so, I would definitely look into that.

 

Just because he is good at covering up his tracks doesn't mean he's not seeing someone.

[M30USA]

I need to say to all the women on here that you can't assume your husband is seeing someone. My wife immediately grilled me upon separation and asked if I was seeing someone. Nope. Truthfully I am in my glory just being alone. Yes, we men sometimes leave a woman for nothing more than peace of mind. While I encourage investigating the possibility of an EA, remember...innocent until proven guilty.

[Texsec]

He is doing exactly what my STBX did...I just built her a new Italian tile bathroom, and a 9x12 walk in closet...with my own hands...finished it 8 days before she said she was done.....She was angry about things that happened years ago, like I didn't dance with her at new years 06? I didn't get her new car QUICK enough, I never took her to a restaurant she wanted to go to....No physical abuse, gambling, drugs, finance problems, we never fought....Came on very sudden and she had a firm resolve..."I feel trapped, bored, old, (32) life is passing me by, is this all there is?" "I need space, I want to move out and we can date" She moved out and I busted her with a married co-worker a week later.

Nothing you can do right now will change his mind. I think your only shot, as hard as it would be, is to just let him go, act happy as can be...Get YOU some new clothes, be distant, go out yourself.....He has all the signs of an affair and you should start looking hard for one...I would be shocked if he is not involved with someone. It's so easy to dump someone if there is another to lean on. The smugness and as if they don't care is a defense...They can't take the blame for this so WE get the blame, no matter how lame the excuses are...You thought about talking to a guy 4 years ago....COME ON! Protect yourself, protect your money, don't let him see your tears, (I messed up here, they feed on our pain) Take care of your girl and make sure he does too. Read about GIGS, (grass is greener syndrome ) It will make sense to you...I can truly say I understand your pain.....The person you loved has left the building and it is an ugly thing to watch....My heart is with you....

[abandonedandlost899]

As I was reading your OP, I too picked up on the red flags and I definitely think there is someone else.

 

Turning it around to be YOUR fault he's leaving (due to something you did 4 years ago?) is CLASSIC guilt deflection.

 

Being able to completely turn his emotions off is likely because he is sharing that emotion with someone else.

 

Can you afford an investigator? If so, I would definitely look into that.

 

Just because he is good at covering up his tracks doesn't mean he's not seeing someone.

 

Sadly. At this point I can't afford anything with out his help. I am only working part time. I have been looking for FT work since February with no luck. He hasn't taken me off the bank account. Although everything else is in my name the bank account is shared and under his email. He will know when I take money out. So I can't exactly hire a PI.

At this point I'm not even sure I want to know. Ignorance is bliss for now.

He was supposed to be here today to stay with our daughter. He didn't show. She was sick and I ended up taking her to the ER because her doc office was closed ( she's ok just a fever and a suspicious rash)

I called him once in the am and sent him a txt. He didn't wake up till about 1130 when he called me. Seemingly with his tail between his legs. I asked him in a very sarcastic tone how his nap was. He said "can we not do this now?"

He had no explanation why he didn't show. I didn't ask him either. I did check the iCloud where he was that whole time at he was at his friends where he is staying.

[pteromom]

I need to say to all the women on here that you can't assume your husband is seeing someone. My wife immediately grilled me upon separation and asked if I was seeing someone. Nope. Truthfully I am in my glory just being alone. Yes, we men sometimes leave a woman for nothing more than peace of mind. While I encourage investigating the possibility of an EA, remember...innocent until proven guilty.

 

I definitely believe that people can leave without there being a third party involved. But in the OP's case, there are a lot of red flags...

[abandonedandlost899]

I dont know. I want to believe him. But the fact that 90% of his friends are single leads me to believe that he feels like he is missing out. When he was in the Army we had mutual friends that we would go and hang out with and had fun. Now we moved back to our home state and the friends he had from before are mostly single. It was rare that he hung out with his old friends. So he made new friends at work. One friend... the one he is staying with is also separated from his wife. He has known this friend since middle school. I don't doubt that bastard had an influence in his decision.

Edited May 23, 2012 by abandonedandlost899

[tojaz]

This is so spot on it's scary. I especially love the part

"By the time they do they already have a handle on things, dealt with the emotions and have calculated an "answer" to every question so they can do it from a position of power."

That is exactly how my STBX was. She already had an answer to all my questions and in a way to make it look like it was my fault. Looking back, I can see was making plans a few months before i found out the second time she cheated. There was a lot of planning going on. That's why is was so easy for her.

She tried to blame me for not being connected to her. But it was her that broke the connection.

 

Good job Tojaz. Your really put it words that make the most sense.

Unfortunately its realizations that come from my own personal experiences, but even more unfortunate is that they came years after they would have done any good for myself. I guess thats why i stick around on LS, would like to think something good could have come from all the madness. My divorce played out much like abandoned's current separation. I was so buried in panic trying to find a quick fix it took me that long to put the pieces together.

 

I dont know. I want to believe him. But the fact that 90% of his friends are single leads me to believe that he feels like he is missing out. When he was in the Army we had mutual friends that we would go and hang out with and had fun. Now we moved back to our home state and the friends he had from before are mostly single. It was rare that he hung out with his old friends. So he made new friends at work. One friend... the one he is staying with is also separated from his wife. He has known this friend since middle school. I don't doubt that bastard had an influence in his decision.

 

I have often said that divorce is contagious. In going through mine, my wife had connected with friends who had all been divorced, one had gone through a truly awful marriage and she was truly better off for it, but in the quest for support, people often look for whats hiding in the shadows in other peoples relationships as well. Nobody wants to suffer alone.

 

His friend probably helped to influence his decision, but keep your focus where it needs to be. His decision was still his own.

 

I have to say you seem to be handling things well, all things considered.

 

Keep your head up, these stories unfold rather slowly most of the time and there are happy endings. Do a search on "the 180" I think it may have some tips that will help.

 

TOJAZ

[abandonedandlost899]

sure.. im handling it well... if you count crying every night for the past month handling it well.. and having anxiety every single day. Im am constenly shaking. my heart is always racing. im always one step from a panic attack. all i want is for him to want to at least try and fix it. I am willing to overlook all of this and do what ever he wants me to do.. maybe that isnt the right attitude you all think is right. i just want him to come home.

[tojaz]

sure.. im handling it well... if you count crying every night for the past month handling it well.. and having anxiety every single day. Im am constenly shaking. my heart is always racing. im always one step from a panic attack. all i want is for him to want to at least try and fix it. I am willing to overlook all of this and do what ever he wants me to do.. maybe that isnt the right attitude you all think is right. i just want him to come home.

 

Welcome to the rollercoaster. I said all things considered, meaning that you are handling it well for the situation. I havent heard you doing all the mistakes most people do in this situation. Begging, throwing yourself at him every chance you get, or the other extreme, letting anger rule and making threats etc.

 

Inside the panic and trauma are very real, but on the outside it seems you have maintained a level head. Thats difficult to do and usually counter productive. Leading to either frustration that just reinforces all his negative views or selling yourself out.

 

I am willing to overlook all of this and do what ever he wants me to do.. maybe that isnt the right attitude you all think is right. i just want him to come home.

 

 

I think all of us reach a point where we would do anything to get the one we love back, but if you have to overlook everything and give up too much of yourself, that doesn't make for a long term resolution, its just a patch on a sinking ship. Don't lose yourself in order to keep him.

TOJAZ

[abandonedandlost899]

well.. since the last time i posted i haven't had any energy to peel myself away from my bed because the panic attacks i have been having are getting worse and worse. I had one at work and in my car. but i thought id come back and update you all on my recent findings.

 

I looked through my phone bill and noticed he was txting this particular # at all hours of the night. I had a friend in another state call it and it was a woman. i was able to get her name.

 

so i confronted him about it.

he told me that its non of my business. that we arent together anymore..

WE ARE STILL MARRIED. (im so angry about this its going to be hard to type with out profanities.) told me that why am i looking at his stuff and that what he does now is none of my business. I asked him when he started seeing her and again told me it doesn't matter. that it wasn't before the separation. BULL**** the phone records show that he was talking to this woman 3 weeks before he decided to drop me like a used rag.

I dont know what he is thinking. He isnt happy with his life in general because i found a Like list and a hate list about his life. the love list had 3 things on it. our daughter, hanging out with friends and writing on black boards what ever the hell that means.

his hate list went on and on and on. about his dad not being happy how he hates that his mom left his dad. how he hates that his mom doesnt call him.

about work about school about his old friends who changed about how women in general in his life have failed him. nothing in particular to me. which is what i thought i was going to find.

I honestly think he is depressed and he thinks the only way to be happy is to leave his old life behind and start a new one. He wont go to counseling. I suggested it and his father suggested it multiple times. he gets offended.

 

eventually he calmed down and he tells me that she makes me happy. i wanted to punch him in the face. I told him yea.. for now. until you get bored of her.

 

to be completely honest. if he decided to come back i would take him back under one condition. That he goes to therapy. I love him with all my heart. Im so angry that he wont admit that he has a problem. he thinks like leaving everything that we have built to start all over is going to fix his problems.

I called him out on his hypocritical ways. telling me that all he ever wanted was honesty and that if wanted to leave for someone else he would let me go. take your own advice! i told him how dare he make me feel and look like the bad guy in front of his family. now i see why it was so easy for him to go because he already had someone else. He honestly thinks im stupid for thinking i wouldn't find out. i don't know what to do from here. im considering legal separation only because i don't what that OW to convince him to completely screw us over. i want to protect myself and my daughter from her.

 

I have been suffering from debilitating anxiety and panic. every day this week. yesterday he was here all day because we were having a bbq for my FIL. I tried to sit out there. I didn't acknowledge him. i didn't look at him. when i talked it wasn't to him it was past him to his dad. then i went upstairs and sat in the living room for like 3 hrs doin nothing. Just sitting there and silently crying.

Edited May 27, 2012 by abandonedandlost899

[trippi1432]

(((Hugs))) - I know that doesn't seem like much in the wake of things. I know it's a shock to the system right now and none of it seems to make sense. Been right where you are several years ago with my exH, I too went through the anxiety and panic attacks after finding out about the OW.

 

When I found out about the OW, I asked my ex to move out of his drinking buddy's house, move to his mom's and do therapy and AA. He looked me straight in the eye and said he couldn't do that to "Her"...a woman he claimed to barely know. Your husband is in denial, he will rewrite his entire history of your marriage and will most likely become someone you don't even know anymore.

 

It doesn't make sense to you now, but it's a problem he has to deal with. Most likely, he will lie to himself as much as he lies to you. From here, I can only tell you from my own experience, go limited contact with him to protect yourself mentally. If you are already having anxiety and panic attacks, he will only add to them while he goes through his nonsense. Surround yourself with good friends and I would advise going ahead and speaking with a lawyer at this point.

[abandonedandlost899]

limited contact is going to be hard since he comes over every day to pick up our daughter to take her to school. And he wil come over on the weekends to spend time with his family who lives downstairs and owns this building.

They had a bbq for his dads bday and i was out there and he was there too. i cant look at him. I don't acknowledge him. i tried to stay out there while he was there but i couldn't.

 

today i txt him that i know how long he was talking to her before he slapped me across the face with all this and he got defensive about me going through his stuff. it is my phone bill. i will go through it as i please. i told him i thought he would at least have the decency to hold it off untill we were officially filing for divorce. that he obviously doesnt give a sh** about me and or have some respect. i thought i at least had that much from him. i told him that runing from his problems weren't going to solve them.

he said he wasn't running from his problems that his only problem was me. and to F off.

maybe i shouldnt have sent him that txt but im so freaking angry. my thigh is bruised from all the punching i do to it because i don't want to break anything.

i just want everything to go back in time 4 years and start over.

[M30USA]

Sounds like you still love him. Listen to me. Men are simple. If you want to get him back and keep him you need to do the following: give him plenty of sex whenever he wants it, feed him like a king, smile at him as much as you can, and let him have a hobby.

 

This might be too much for some women to maintain. And some women may not think their husband deserves it. Other women will say their husband has to earn it. Whatever. Think what you want. I'm just telling you what works.

[Steen719]

abandoned,

So sorry you are in this mess. Last year, right at this time, I was, too. XH also got furious with me for looking at phone records..too bad, Good thing I did or I would never have found out or not then, anyway. He was also mad about other things I found out. I don't care. He did what he did. Anyway, I am not going to go through all of this about me and my situation is different from yours in terms of length of time married, age of kids, etc.

 

However, I feel your pain and I am really sorry you are in this situation. I can't remember if you are seeing a counselor yet or if you are waiting to be able to afford it or what your situation is. Even if you cannot afford it and you are not religious, you could still go to a church and ask for counseling and usually, they are fee based on income and you probably could get it for free. I think some of them will NOT try to get you to become "religious" and at least you would have someone to talk to. That is very important right now...you need someone to talk to and get it out. Start a journal. I did and one year later, I am much better than I was at the beginning when I sat and sobbed every single day. He is gone, he is gone....if he comes back after deciding he made a mistake, you will hopefully be in a better position to decide what you want to do.

 

Go to counseling, see an attorney, quit seeing him unless you have to and when you do, do not engage about anything but your child. Google the 180 and do this to help yourself handle this better.

 

You are not going to change his mind. Only he can do that. Any crying, begging and pleading will make him be more abusive to you. He can't deal with how he knows he is hurting you so he blames you for it and he is not going to stop doing that. THE AFFAIR IS ON HIM, so don't take on his blame.

 

Call a friend right now. What about your family?

 

Good luck to you. HUGS