I feel so abandoned.

[abandonedandlost899]

I do love him with all my heart. Even though hes is treating me like garbage right now.

 

I have been going to therapy i didnt have an appointment this week but i do next monday. i think im going to call and see if i can get in sooner. my mom is no help. she just tells me he will be back and that it will be ok and she changes the subject.

I talked with my father in law yesterday to let him know my side of all this because as far as i know i was the bad guy. he said he tried to talk to him but that there is no reasoning with him right now. his dad even asked him to see a therapist. his dad is angry with him for doing all this too. His dad had plans for us all to go to mexico for Christmas to visit his family. we had plans for a summer vacation.

all of this doesnt make sense. with in one month he made this decision. and its all that broads fault. im march we were planning a sumer vacation, and we bought a new fancy tv, we bought a car in febuary! we were talking about babies ffs!

 

he has never been single. for as long as i have known him. he was always from one girl to the next. never being single. always dumping one for the other and sadly he did that to me too when we were seniors in HS. I made him beg me for a whole month before i took him back.

this is a nightmare.

Edited May 27, 2012 by abandonedandlost899

[trippi1432]

M30 - Interested in your thread now.....if men were that simple, most wouldn't step out on their marriage....sorry for a cross-post....but will address it on yours in a moment.

 

ABS - sweetie....this is a lot to take on right now. It comes out of left field and GOD, it hurts. You read about it, you hear about it when it happens to friends, but NOW....it's YOUR life that it's happening to. You need to take a step back and let yourself breath hun. It's like a kick in the gut, I know, but you can get through this and come out on the other side.

 

Steen is right, the affair IS on him. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he will lay it at your feet. You might get an apology years down the line....but it won't happen right now. You can do LC with a child.....a lot of people have. Protect yourself, all you are going to get out of him right now is bullsh*t. Don't torture yourself. When you feel like you need to vent, come here, we are listening.

 

Keep talking and please, don't hurt yourself. (((Hugs))))

[Steen719]

I do love him with all my heart. Even though hes is treating me like garbage right now.

 

I have been going to therapy i didnt have an appointment this week but i do next monday. i think im going to call and see if i can get in sooner. my mom is no help. she just tells me he will be back and that it will be ok and she changes the subject.

I talked with my father in law yesterday to let him know my side of all this because as far as i know i was the bad guy. he said he tried to talk to him but that there is no reasoning with him right now. his dad even asked him to see a therapist. his dad is angry with him for doing all this too. His dad had plans for us all to go to mexico for Christmas to visit his family. we had plans for a summer vacation.

all of this doesnt make sense. with in one month he made this decision. and its all that broads fault. im march we were planning a sumer vacation, and we bought a new fancy tv, we bought a car in febuary! we were talking about babies ffs!

 

he has never been single. for as long as i have known him. he was always from one girl to the next. never being single. always dumping one for the other and sadly he did that to me too when we were seniors in HS. I made him beg me for a whole month before i took him back.

this is a nightmare.

 

I'm sure it feels like you love him with all of your heart and I am not saying that you don't, but at some point you will start to wonder if that gut-wrenching feeling that you have because he has betrayed you like he has, rewritten your marital history, cussed at you, been meaner than you ever thought he could be to you, is still love or the loss of what you thought you had. I mourned, really mourned, the loss of what I thought I had and my future with my XH. I thought we had plans; turns out he had different plans than I did. I understand and most people here do as well, that this is so incredibly difficult and painful and it is hard to get up and keep going forward, but you have to. He has made his decision. Leave him alone. You are feeding his ego; he knows you want him home and he has another woman who wants him. UGH

 

He is not the same person you were married to, or maybe he is since he dumps women and moves on and has never been single. He has found someone else and he is the clouds with her. YOU move on. You cannot change him; his father cannot change him and the sooner you believe that, the better off you will be. We cannot make anyone in this world change how they feel by telling them to or wishing it so. If he changes his mind, it will be from him and only him.

 

I know you blame the other woman for your troubles and she is not blameless, but she did not promise to love and honor you in front of God and family. Your husband did. He broke his promise to you, she didn't. Put the blame for the affair where it belongs...HIM.

 

So Mom can't be a help. What about friends? Divorce support group? Get some support going. It can be a life saving element of this process.

[xenomorph]

So much of what you're saying, abandonedandlost899, sounds so familiar to the way my H is behaving (except he fled to another state).

 

There was another woman, and whether he's still with her or not doesn't matter. He's gone bonkers, and there's no talking sense to him now. He is looking at you as the source of his "misery", so anything you say will just be turned on its head. It will drive you CRAZY if you let it.

 

I will tell you right now that the sooner you see less of him, the better you'll be able to heal. It took me over 3 months to get to a point where I felt I had my head on straight, and being away from him was a huge help in that.

 

Get the divorce ball rollling. It's the only way he'll see that you are not going to tolerate this in your life and that he's not the most important thing in your life.

 

You're absolutely right that he needs therapy if the marriage is to thrive, but right now, he needs to know you mean business, and that you are not going to wait for this child of a "man" to come around. Don't be on his timeline, because he really doesn't have one. Get him on your timeline, because you actually do have a direction.

 

All that aside, you need more support in your life. I too have had trouble with support in and out of my family and friends, but sometimes you gotta just push a little. Sometimes friends don't know you need help! Reach out. I know it's scary because you feel very raw, but you'll be surprised how loving friends can be. Pepper your venting across several friends so you don't tucker them out (they're human too!). Try Al-Anon, too. Vent and post here, it truly does help, but you also need some guidance.

Give Divorce Busting a try: divorcebusting.com

There is also a good forum there as well.

 

((Hugs)) I've been where you are now, and I'm still there, really. It just took me too long to pull the plug and get on with my own life, no matter how much it hurts now, have faith that you will be okay. I truly hope your husband snaps out of it and your family becomes whole again.

[tojaz]

Sounds like you still love him. Listen to me. Men are simple. If you want to get him back and keep him you need to do the following: give him plenty of sex whenever he wants it, feed him like a king, smile at him as much as you can, and let him have a hobby.

 

Really? Thats all us guys need. My life just got soooooo much simpler.

Edited May 28, 2012 by tojaz

[tojaz]

all of this doesnt make sense. with in one month he made this decision. and its all that broads fault. im march we were planning a sumer vacation, and we bought a new fancy tv, we bought a car in febuary! we were talking about babies ffs!

 

That is often the case. Especially when big decisions like children are concerned. Something flips a switch and they feel trapped and have to run.

 

There are some good books on the subject. "Runaway Husbands" by Vicki Stark comes to mind.

 

Sorry things turned out like this for you Abandoned. Keep us posted.

 

TOJAZ

[abandonedandlost899]

Last night i txt him to make sure he knew i worked today so he could be here to watch out daughter. Said he had to work...im not stupid! His schedual is fixed. mon to fri. 3 to 1130. do not tell me all of a sudden you work in the am. Of course i checked his icloud account and where has he been all day? sleeping till about 11 and is now at a lake. Now he is putting her on the back burner. I had to leave my daughter with his father while i went to work.

[abandonedandlost899]

I am not handling this well today. my day has passed in slow motion. i dont eat. i dont sleep. My work is being affected. I dont even want to sit here at my computer. while he was at work i would play an mmo alot. I dont even want to do that. All i want to to do is sit on the couch and stare out the window at the tree. I want with every bone in my body for this all to go away and for him to snap out if this.

Im trying to seem fine for my daughter but i just cant do it. She notices that im down and tells me its going to be ok. to take deep breaths. she is not supposed to be telling her mom this. she is acting like my care taker. I try not to let her see me cry but she catches me.

[xenomorph]

I am not handling this well today. my day has passed in slow motion. i dont eat. i dont sleep. My work is being affected. I dont even want to sit here at my computer. while he was at work i would play an mmo alot. I dont even want to do that. All i want to to do is sit on the couch and stare out the window at the tree. I want with every bone in my body for this all to go away and for him to snap out if this.

Im trying to seem fine for my daughter but i just cant do it. She notices that im down and tells me its going to be ok. to take deep breaths. she is not supposed to be telling her mom this. she is acting like my care taker. I try not to let her see me cry but she catches me.

 

i sympathize completely

Energy levels go low and you feel depressed. You are no longer sure what motivates you anymore. You walk into the fog and you have no idea where the exit is, or how far you're in it.

 

Maybe it's too early to be thinking of filing for divorce right now. Know that you will get to that step, but first...

 

it's okay to take a day off just for you. If you can, get someone to watch over your girl for a day (more if possible) so you can have some peace and quiet. Only then will you be able to piece things together in your head.

 

When my H went away for a weekend, i drew a bath for myself and left a lot in the back burner. I needed to just think in silence, and a lot started to click together. I didn't know as much as i know now, but it was the beginning of my wake up call. Please do yourself the favor to take some time for you and ONLY you. If you can manage this this coming weekend, please do so. You are in need of an emergency holiday!

 

Emergency Holidays include:

• Lots of rest & quiet
  
• teas and easy to digest meals
  
• self help reading material
  
• self indulgent music
  
• warm baths and pampering
  
• Looking back on this thread and reflect on all that has been going on.
  
• If you're up to it, a night out with friends (dancing with abandon, movies, etc)
  

 

Think of no one but yourself. Be "greedy" in your holiday. Give yourself a few of these holidays throughout this difficult time. I gave myself several mini-holidays for the sake of my sanity at work and in dealing with everyone in my life. Don't let this get the best of you; your body is telling you that you need a little "YOU" time.

 

In between your holidays, lessen your work load at home if you can't shave down a few duties at work for now. If you feel you cook meals often, order some pizza once in a while. Eat lighter meals (since you cannot eat full meals right now; i'm still eating like a bird, but i make sure to have something in my stomach every 4 hours at least). Don't worry about chores so much, but do find a way to keep messes out of sight. Your batteries are low, so don't push yourself.

 

 

((((hugs))))

 

I'm only sharing what I know helped me get along at work during these difficult times, but I cannot imagine how much more difficult it can be with a child. However, I've read countless times how children can sometimes be the biggest source of strength. I hope that is true for you.

[tojaz]

Abandoned, it starts with you making a conscious decision to start moving forward. Even if its just a little bit.

 

All the things your feeling and doing are a normal reaction. Your in shock!

 

Its ok to be sad and even depressed right now, if you need to cry then cry, you have to let it out.

 

Like Xeno said, you have to give yourself a break though. It will teach you to get things back under control. Start small, give yourself an hour someplace peaceful and just relax. Consciously tell yourself that your not going to think about it for an hour, then two, then 3, then a day..... on down the line.

 

Its not easy and takes time, but when you are able to let it go for a little while, the times you do think about it, you see things so much clearer.

 

TOJAZ