Husband suddenly wanted a divorce and left; Affair? "GIGS?"

[xenomorph]

Hi, been doing a lot of reading and lurking here for the past few months, and I must say that i wish i had found this place sooner! I finally decided that I should post my story, since I got into a tough spot recently, and I am in need of advice. It's still a bit foggy up here...

 

Here is the short version:

 

• I’m 29, he’s 28
  
• married 4yrs, together for 7. Totally in love, instant connection.
  
• No kids. While we were both open to the idea of having a kid one day, we both shared the same sentiment that other aspects of our lives were more important. He especially did not want children--even though he expressed openess to it--and it wasn’t a deal breaker for me. (i’m about the least baby-crazy person i know).
  
• i have a full time job
  
• he is ex-military, on unemployment, starting school again
  
• I’ve been going through a family crisis this past year (cancer related), and work got a lot harder, keeping me from taking time off. In and out of depressive states, working hard to help my family, stressed.
  
• Mid-way through a visit to his hometown in another state, my H tells me he wants to leave me and move back home. Something seems very off. I’m heartbroken and in a daze. The thought of possibly losing my family member and my husband along with pressures at work knock me out.
  
• He treats me poorly. We go to counseling but he doesn’t participate very much. Says that he doesn’t want to lead me on. We still have sex, but it’s not the same. I feel manipulated and hurt all the time, but not able to fight back. Sometimes he looks longing at me and wants to hold me, but suddenly bolts to leave. Like he’s convincing himself...
  
• Later I discover his journal, where he wrote of an affair. He denies the affair in counseling, that it was a ‘fantasy’. The OW is someone I know, who is engaged and has a child from a previous marriage.
  
• I’m shattered, and cannot think straight.
  
• He moves out, and a week later goes on a trip to a city where his ex-girlfriend lives. He acts defiant and seems to get pleasure out of how upset I am. He still has not filed for divorce at this point. Says “she’s just a good friend”.
  
• He agrees to pay for the divorce and take care of all the loose ends. He files for divorce two days before he leaves. There are still loose ends to tie, but he leaves me with them.
  
• He wants to stay in contact but he wants his “boundaries” respected.
  
• I go dark/NC for over a month to heal and get my head on straight. Have not been served papers in this time.
  
• As far as the affair goes, should I tell the OW’s fiance?
  
• Don’t want to contact him, but I have to to take care of loose ends and inquire about the divorce.
  
• He has not owned up to what he says he would do for over a month.
  
• We both would like to be friends in the future, but with the way he is neglecting his responsibilities, and that he hasnt’ owned up to what actually happened on his trip home, I just don’t know... I still miss all the good parts of him.
  
• Reconciliation is on the table for me under the condition that we go to both IC and MC, take it slow, and live apart. I do not think he would be willing to do this anytime soon, so I am doing my best to move on. Whatever will be, will be, but I need to be me again.
  
• I’m doing much better now, but have not heard from him about the divorce, and I have not been served.
  
• He has been pulling unemployment money claiming that he lives with me while he has been living with his mother out of state. It looks like he plans to renew. How do I approach this situation? I am now thinking of contesting this divorce. Am I too late?
  

 

========================================

 

The Story:

 

Introduction:

 

My H and I were married for 4 years, together for 7. I’m 29, he is 28. I’m currently waiting on the divorce papers with a heavy heart that is still in repair. I’ve worked a full time job for over 5 years in a field I went to college for, so I am generally very happy at work. He was in the service for 5 years after dropping out of college in his home-town (another state, 5000 miles away), going on several 4-6 month deployments, and was stationed a couple hours from me, so our relationship was for the most part long distance, with lots of short weekly visits and vacations until about a year ago when he finally came home (well, apartment) for good. His aspirations and goals would vary, but there was a constant theme so I felt he had some kind of direction. I was very supportive of any decision he made for himself, even though I wasn’t particularly fond of him joining the military. I took it on as a challenge, and one year into his service he proposed to me during a rough patch in my life (I was just getting out of a dark depression after college, doing manual labor work and living with my parents to make ends meet).

 

There was no doubt to anyone or to us that we truly loved each other, and we had gone through so much just dealing with every blow.. but I don’t think anything could have prepared us for what occurred last year, and what I believe started the snowball effect that led to his possible “GIGS”-esque sudden departure out of my life.

 

This Past Year and the Family Crisis:

 

A dear and very close family member (FM) of mine was diagnosed with late stage cancer just a few months before my husband was returning from his last deployment. The possibility of losing this family member, who means the world to me, was very very real (and still is, as my FM is still going through a very difficult recovery after what I would describe as a miraculous battle won over cancer). What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was changing from the strong, bitchy (in a good way), independent, nurturing, loving, takes-no-crap-from-no-one person I was into someone I couldn’t recognize anymore. I was constantly depressed, emotional, irritable, unsure, scared, and became co-dependent. I lived in a haze. Instead of reaching out to friends, I unloaded everything onto my husband. This, in hindsight, I realize as a mistake of mine, and I take responsibility for it.

 

However, there were no surprises for him: I stated clearly before he returned from deployment what was going on: While I understood that he was about to embark on a transitional period in his life, and that i would do my best to support him, I needed him to be as strong and as supportive as possible, because our family crisis was such a severe blow. I still went to work everyday and did my best in a demanding job. He was going to school, but had more time on his hands than I did.

 

Throughout the past year, I was dealing with a lot: family crisis, changes and stresses at work, and trying to be loving and supportive for my husband who was just starting school again (but on unemployment), while trying to still manage my hobbies and friendships. In hindsight, i bit off more than i could chew playing the support role. My husband became more distant 6 months into his return home, and the fights became more intense and fast to flare up. He became more defensive, and less supportive. He would be more passive, more closed off, and said he was depressed. He mentioned wanting to do more things just on his own. When i said that his inactivity and stone wallling would make me feel depressed/sad, he would say things like “I can’t *make* you feel anything” or “i’m not accountable for how you feel. you need to take responsibility for that”. Sometimes when i would break down and cry at night because the sadness of the family crisis would overwhelm me, he would just sit there, reading an article on his phone. This was night and day from the affectionate, patient H I used to know and love. As the months progressed I noticed that it was a lot harder to get him to go out and have fun with me. He wanted to just stay home. He has this unsure, sad look on his face. When i asked him what was wrong, he would get defensive and a fight was sure to flare up.

 

Intuition was Knocking, but I wasn’t Home:

 

During this time i had stated this at night in bed with him: “H, I feel as if you will leave me at the first opportunity you get. I feel as if you are only with me because you don’t think you have options”. H would respond with: “why would you think that? i love you.” I felt reassured, but with a nagging feeling of uneasiness.

 

H would turn away from me on most nights, reading stuff on his phone into the late hours of the night. i felt terribly alone and i didn’t understand why. We were still able to laugh and enjoy time together, but there was an elephant growing in the room.

 

Come January, there was a break in school and H wanted to visit his home town, which he hadn’t seen since we visited two years ago. I wasn’t able to go with him because i needed to save vacation days at work, and i thought it was a good idea for him to visit home anyway. However, I asked to come with him anyway, at least for half of the trip, or maybe reschedule it at a more convenient time for both of us to go. He paused and gave me this odd look and said “I would like to go alone”. I cold feeling ran down my spine... something wasn’t right, but i shrugged it off, thinking it was just me being petty about him having a trip while i worked. I let it go. He left for almost 2 weeks and planned to return in time for a very special event with my family; the birthday of the FM we all thought we were going to lose.

 

The night before he left I brought up that we should discuss our options if I became pregnant, because it was a concern for me. He agreed and we talked, but it soon became tense and he said some hurtful things at some points (neither of us wanted kids, but we did not seal off the possibility). I think he misunderstood me; any decision would be made together, but i think he thought that i was going to decide for myself regardless of him. That night we tried to make love but i was overwhelmed with a feeling of despair. He looked at me at times with disdain, but he kept trying. I wished he just stopped to talk to me. i couldn’t control the feeling and i didn’t understand it. I felt like something was leaving me...

 

The Pivot Point:

 

I dropped him off at the airport. He texted me “I love you” before his plane took off. We texted and talked a little bit during his trip, but towards the end of the trip i noticed that something was wrong. I could feel it. He broke down and told me: “I want to leave you and move back home”. I could hear him begin to cry and he hung up. I tried to call and call and text and text.. nothing. The endless “whys” began in my head.

 

Then a deafening silence. I went to celebrate with my family, but they knew something was wrong. They even asked “where’s H?”. I said the only truth I could say: “he is coming later tonight. his flight was delayed”, which did happen. He didn’t come home until 4am. It was cold. I didn’t want to speak to him. We laid down in bed together, a million miles apart, in silence.

 

He smelled of tabacco smoke. He quit smoking years ago. I hated the smell. Now he was smoking again.

 

Morning came and went. Then we talked. And talked. It was like trying to reason with a brick wall. I lost it.

 

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”, he said with unsure hand gestures.

 

“Please, let’s try counseling. Let’s try working this out. I think you’re making a brash decision!” I would say in between sobs. I realize now that i must have looked so sad and needy... the co dependent, scared person I became. The old me would have told him to pack his **** up and get out of my life, because how could someone with a heart do this to me at my most vulnerable state? There was a major change happening at work which would double my workload, so the option of taking a week off to mend was off the table. We did manage to go to vegas with friends (a trip we had planned months ago), and he was very loving with me. I was very confused by his behavior: was there a chance at reconciliation? I felt limited and trapped. I did the best i could to save our marriage. We went to counseling, and it was having a good effect for a while, but then he stopped participating. He would go out at night to bars, and at one point mentioned that he had met a much older woman who had offered him a room to stay, and that he was thinking of taking her up on that offer. He kept telling me to “back off!” and that “If this relationship has any chance, i need to do this. I need to go back home. I need at least a year”.

 

H knew how much I hated cig smoke, so he started to smoke electronic cigs around the house. He respected me enough to not smell like cigs, but he needed to parade the fact that he was smoking again, toting it around like a symbol of rebellion. A part of me pitied him... like a lost child trying to find his way home again. His hands would sometimes shake. He would look impatient around me. His hand gestures were like hands that wished to strangle someone’s neck. Threatening...

 

H would also talk about how it was hard to get classes here, and that he wanted to start the summer semester of school back home, where it was easier. He would stay up late looking at his phone, and he was behaving more and more suspicious. He was still participating in domestic duties, and even helped my family, but he felt miles away. He would point out what was wrong with me, and being vulnerable at the time, my self esteem plummeted. It was hard going to work. My eyes were puffy all the time and I even cried at work... it was terrible. I knew in my mind that I cannot love someone who doesn’t love me back, but I was so in shock that it all felt like one big dizzying whirl. I asked if we could separate instead, and see how we felt in a few months. He said “NO. I need this to be over. I don’t want to lead you on”.

 

The Bigger Dizzying Whirl... Just an Affair Fog, or Is it Over for Good?

 

Then came the day i discovered his journal.

Here's the post I made about this elsewhere on LS: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/323891-revelations-journals-fantasy-affair

 

He had left it at my family’s home during this time by mistake, and i came to the realization of why H had been acting so strangely lately: changing passwords, locking his phone, being very secretive. He was worried; he had misplaced this journal. A family member had brought it to my attention. When i opened it, my heart plummeted to my feet. He had written about a friend of his, someone i know and had considered a mutual friend, that they had “reconnected” and discretely had had sex. It was explicit and romantic. He missed home and felt that a chance of reconciliation with me was not enough for the “guaranteed amazement” of moving back home.

 

I calmed down, then let it sit. I would bring this up in a safe place; counseling. I remembered expressing to H after his return from his visit home that i loved our monogamy and how safe i felt sexually with him. that not worrying about multiple partners was such a blessing. My body is very precious to me, and the thought of H having sex with someone else and then having sex with me without telling me was horrible. I would have preferred if he had told me: it would have made letting him go so much easier. I would have gone through a dissolution with him like he initially wanted. Instead, he manipulated me and used my emotions against me. Ridiculed me. Made me feel like it was entirely my fault, when all the while his strangeness was him hiding guilt.

 

When i brought it up in counseling, he sunk into the couch. Our counselor questioned him and he said that nothing was consummated; it was just a fantasy he had written, but that emotionally he wasn’t available to me anymore. H said that this was his last session together and that he was moving out that night.

 

I felt like i was about to go insane...

 

When we got home i asked him to please give me 20 minutes alone, then he could pack up and go. I needed to clear my head, and he agreed. i felt lost.. uncertain. trying to figure out what the truth is with instinct alone.... nothing. I screamed into my pillow, and heard H rush into the room and hold me. “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry... I don’t want you having a bad opinion of me...” he said. I asked him why he was here, i thought he stepped out for a smoke. He had tears welling up in his eyes. We sat down and talked. I asked him if he had any sexual contact with her or anyone else, and to please tell me because this is about my body, my health, more than anything. He said he didn’t. It was a fantasy. They had just “shared a beer” at most. I don’t know why I didn’t tear him a new one, but the fight... it just wasn’t in me anymore. The fiesty, fiery person who set his ass straight so many times before just couldn’t anymore. I wasn’t me.

 

The possible affair: Now, i know this girl. She is currently in a committed relationship with her boyfriend (they even bought a house together recently), and she has a child from a previous marriage. When i spoke to her, she seemed very oblivious to S. being in love or romatic with her. She was surprised and didn’t want to know because she had seen him as a friend/brother for so long. In the journal, S. said that she was “with a boyfriend she could leave at any time”. What is going on here??

 

“Are you going back home for a chance at love with her? Or to find love with someone else?” I asked. He quickly responded: “NO. I am going back home to be with my family and friends. I’m going to take martial art classes. I am going to school. I am going to continue training”. I didn’t know what to say, and he continued: “I don’t think i’ll find love”. In our previous conversations he said that while he wasn’t looking for love, and that he is not ready, he doesn’t think that either of us would be waiting. He will be seeking something out.

 

After a few nights in a hotel, he took up the older woman’s room rental offer and moved in with her. He took the car, so I was taking the bus to work from then on. It also hurt my ability to help with my family, as no car meant I couldn’t freely visiti my FM, who was in and out of the hospital at the time.

 

I just don’t know. My counselor didn’t really buy it either when i talked to her about in a late session. H has always been faithful to me, and even my family doesn’t think he cheated on me, but they said that it’s safer to just have reasonable doubt and to move on from him.

 

 

The Murky Month & More Betrayal:

 

H would come back throughout last month to pick up things. There were times when we got along, trying to move on and be friendly, but the damage was too great. I felt hurt, manipulated, disrespected, and jerked around. He was manic at times, and others very defensive. I will admit that we still had sex on those visits; I missed the sex but I wasn’t thinking that it would change the course.

 

He then took a trip to another part of the state where I found out his ex-girlfriend currently lived. I found all of this out on FB. H still hadn’t filed for divorce. I was furious... blatant disrespect! If he wants a divorce so badly, why not take care of all the loose ends immediately and get it over with? I would have respected him a lot more for being resolute, but he was acting like a passive snake. I ended up having to put all his remaining junk out, which is when I realized that while he was taking out the “essentials” he needed to move out of the apartment, he had somehow remembered to take his marital aids and the “good” condoms. I did some reading online and decided I needed to try this “180” so I can regain my sanity.

 

I blocked him on FB to see how I would feel around this time. There was a moment of peace, but a part of me didn’t feel right about it. Two days later I unblocked him. Shot him a friend request thinking he wouldn’t respond, but added me within seconds. In one of his later visits, we discussed briefly our future communication. I said something about cutting him off once he left, and he looked at me with fear, uncertainty, and delicately said “It was almost going to be that way earlier...”. Silence from both of us as I looked away from him.

 

I said that once he walked out that door it was over, and he paused. He teared up and fell to his knees. I only looked on. He spent the night that night, and in the morning he left, but not before

 

A Change of Tune & Goodbye

 

Since then I have been reading a lot, researching, and then stumbled upon this site, which was a godsend. I saw him a couple times before he finally left for good, and i could tell he was noticing the changes that were going on with me. He lingered longer. As much as I want a second chance, I know that it cannot happen now.

 

His manic demeanor calmed down once i started to behave more like i used to, the old me. We were able to talk calmly, and he would share his dreams and aspirations, the projects he is thinking of working on with his old friends. I ignored anything that hurt me (a lot of the projects he was talking about were things we were going to do), and didn’t let him know that it did. He said he would miss me, but he needed to be free. He teased me if the person i was texting was a date or not, but i didn’t say anything to him, which made him ask even more. I said it was none of his business. Funny how someone who wouldn’t open up is suddently pestering me to. One of the last things he said to me, and we talked and made “peace”, was that i deserve to be loved and that i will find someone who loves me. I told him that i know i will be okay. We hugged and parted on good terms. I didn’t want us to say goodbye “ugly”, and neither did he.

 

 

I went NC shortly after that. I also stopped talking to his family and friends. I am in the process of healing and getting myself back to the person I was, and not the depressed co dependent I became. I’m following the advice i’ve been reading, and I’ve even been on a couple dates :]

 

I don’t have qualms about my looks like i did last year, and my self esteem is bouncing back. I am going to try my best to enjoy my freedom.... it’s still so hard though. I keep thinking about him and wanting him. No one else measures up to the connection we had... maybe i just feel that way now? Friends and family say that i “could do so much better than him”.

 

Unfinished Business

 

I’ve made a lot of progress, focusing on family, work and reading, but I think I may still be in a bit of a fog because it’s hard to concentrate on anything for more than 2 hours. Self-Pep Talks and LS are keeping me in line, but it’s still a challenge.

 

I texted him a month after he left, pure business; I still haven’t been served papers. He said that his fee waiver was rejected, that he would be submitting his payment to his servicer the next day, and that he would email me in detail. Why didn’t he just let me know about this voluntarily instead of waiting for me to contact him?

 

What Now? Part 1: Affair

 

The thoughts of the affair are still bothering me, and I have been trying my best to remind myself that I will get no answers right now. I know that my track record in this marriage has been clean; I’ve never had an affair and I’ve always been devoted to him. Time will reveal, and by that time, maybe I won’t care. However, there is another man involved (the girl’s fiance). Should I tell him?

 

What Now? Part 2: Divorce

 

So now I’m over a month of NC since that text exchange, and I’ve heard nothing from him. (All I know is that he is proceeding with his plans to go to school in the summer and move out of his mom’s house, this is all via mutual friends’ mentioning it). No calls, texts, or emails of any kind, and still no divorce papers served. Until the divorce is final, I am still paying for his insurance through work. I still get quite a bit of mail for him, including unemployment mail, and I know that he has been milking unemployment benefits while not living in my address. It looks like he may renew, and this is not right. He should at least let me know what’s up. I don’t want to contact him if I don’t have to, but this situation is not sitting well with me right now. If I am being taken advantage of for his benefit, then I am thinking of contesting the divorce.

 

So no kids, no shared property, but he is using my address to get money from a state he no longer lives in, is not owning up to terms he agreed to, and is not contacting me about practical matters concerning the divorce. I’m here to pick up the pieces, and he’s moving on without a care in the world, apparently. How do I approach this issue?

[xenomorph]

Oops, sometimes i used "S." instead of H: just means the same thing (Spouse/Husband). I wrote this in parts on different days :\

 

Some edits:

The Murky Month & More Betrayal:

 

H would come back throughout last month to pick up things. There were times when we got along, trying to move on and be friendly, but the damage was too great. I felt hurt, manipulated, disrespected, and jerked around. He was manic at times, and others very defensive. I will admit that we still had sex on those visits; I missed the sex but I wasn’t thinking that it would change the course.

 

He then took a trip to another part of the state where I found out his ex-girlfriend currently lived (and apparently they both did illegal drugs together during his visit). I found all of this out on FB. H still hadn’t filed for divorce. I was furious... blatant disrespect! If he wants a divorce so badly, why not take care of all the loose ends immediately and get it over with? I would have respected him a lot more for being resolute, but he was acting like a passive snake. I ended up having to put all his remaining junk out, which is when I realized that while he was taking out the “essentials” he needed to move out of the apartment, he had somehow remembered to take his marital aids and the “good” condoms.

 

I did some reading online and decided I needed to try this “180” so I can regain my sanity.

 

I blocked him on FB to see how I would feel around this time. There was a moment of peace, but a part of me didn’t feel right about it. Two days later I unblocked him. Shot him a friend request thinking he wouldn’t respond, but added me within seconds. In one of his later visits, we discussed briefly our future communication. I said something about cutting him off once he left, and he looked at me with fear, uncertainty, and delicately said “It was almost going to be that way earlier...”. Silence from both of us as I looked away from him.

 

I said that once he walked out that door it was over, and he paused. He teared up and fell to his knees. I only looked on. He spent the night that night, and in the morning he left. The fog was just beginning to clear for me, but I knew I wasn't doing a good job of putting the 180 to practice.

 

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[AudentesFortuna]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love you" speech too. My ex also said she would file for divorce but just kept dragging it on. Thanks to advice from this website and my friends, the best thing I did for myself was to go ahead and file for the divorce myself. It hurt like hell but it put me directly in charge of things. I also did the NC or just strictly business contact and that helped a lot. Now that the divorce is final, I don't expect to interact with her whatsoever. What's the point? If I give her my friendship, she will take what she needs from it but I will get nothing in return. For me, there is no point in hanging on to anything. My attitude towards her from the very beginning was "We will be husband and wife or we will be nothing".

 

You guys have no kids. Just cut your loses and start over. Put yourself first. Good luck.

Edited May 23, 2012 by AudentesFortuna

[carhill]

I would file proactively and proffer motions that spousal support in either direction be waived. Serve him and get your preferences on the record. Then see what happens. If it's crickets, then file a motion for default judgment. Suggest mediation. If no joy, petition the court to rule on the default and/or original filing. Move on.

[whichwayisup]

•He wants to stay in contact but he wants his “boundaries” respected.

 

What boundries? He will contact you when he feels it's necessary?

 

•I go dark/NC for over a month to heal and get my head on straight. Have not been served papers in this time.

 

You serve him since he is the cheater.

 

•As far as the affair goes, should I tell the OW’s fiance?

 

YES! OW's fiancee NEEDS to know the truth!

[xenomorph]

Thank you for the replies, I am leaning towards taking a proactive stance with this considering that today I found out that he has not filed ANYTHING in the county (visited the courthouse in person).

 

I have also tried to contact him directly but no dice.

 

There was a chance for us to reconcile as friends in the future, but I can't see that happening now with my trust shattered (finding out nothing was filed today was the nail in the coffin). It is such a shame that he decided to end it this way, which leads me to believe that he has more skeletons in the closet that he'd care to admit to... or admit even to himself.

 

Time for me to move on, no matter how hard the road gets. I'll continue to post to update and stay on track, as well as inquire about some legal strategies (carhill and audentesfortuna's posts in particular, thank you!)

 

Any advice on how to deal with him if he does contact, or how to deal with his friends and family during this time would be very very appreciated!

 

 

* As for notifying the OW's fiance: I want to tell him, but if I tell him i don't know how he'll react. my H has no idea i have evidence, so if I spill the beans and word gets out to him, will i lose leverage or gain? This is a big concern now.

Edited May 23, 2012 by xenomorph

[carhill]

Any advice on how to deal with him if he does contact, or how to deal with his friends and family during this time would be very very appreciated!

 

All business with him. This is the dissolution of a partnership. Divorce business only.

 

No need to have any contact with his family. What's the point?

 

If you are friends with his friends, continue the relationships on those grounds, keeping the friendship between you and that person. No triangulation. No 'venting'.

 

 

My exW and I divorced along a similar path and enjoyed a relatively rancor-free, if lengthy, divorce. The main difference is that we communicated well, a result of our year or so in MC prior. Healthy communication is key to a quick and mutually agreeable result, IMO. Nobody wins but the pain of losing is less.

[xenomorph]

Ugh, I did what I really didn't want to do and I contacted my husband today. After several calls throughout the day, he finally responded (obviously playing games with me). He confirmed that he had not filed for divorce because he had not the funds yet, and acted as if I was being too impatient. In the same breath, he said he just moved out on his own, and that he'd have money at the beginning of the month to send to his servicer.

The weasel!!!! I ignored all of his button pushing, knowing that the spade was a spade. Got the info I needed, then bid him a good day and hung up after he threw another passive aggressive jab at me. I don't need to speak to him anymore. He keeps blowing every chance to just be civil and decent.

 

I decided to send a very short email, however, to address the elephant in the room (the general hostility he has towards me that I honestly do NOT understand). I don't expect a response or anything, but I wanted to at least give him the opportunity to stop being so passive aggressive. It would be a good thing to able to open the lines of communication and be civil with each other, but I really do not expect any miracles here, especially when I know he's now into hard drugs and hanging out with people who were completely absent while he was going through his toughest times.

 

Does he still think I want to reconcile, and that's why he continues to behave like this?

 

Did I do the right thing?

[Yasuandio]

Some people say that husbands may drag their feet on the process of divorce because they want to keep their wife as a back up plan.

 

It could also be his excuse is money, possibly? I'm with Carhill - start process yourself. If you both can agree, you can do your own divorce - since property nor alimony is at issue, for less than five hundred dollars.

 

There is even a kit in the document section at Office Depot! You are an extremely articulate, and detailed-minded, intelligent young woman. Fill out the papers and file them with the Court, or simply hire a paralegal to look over your self-prepared document - and file it for u.

 

It would be just peachy-keen if your divorce is granted by default, but don't count on it.

 

Next, I want to point out that it is possible your understandably hurt feelings may be metastasizing into a little anger. I say that due to your emphasis on the out-of-state collection of what could be his fraudulent unemployment claim(s). While I totally get that this is promlematic, are you sure u have all the facts? Would you want to see your husband prosicuted for this - or is it anger on your part to focus on this? I say that because once you ring that bell u can't unring it.

 

I have had thoughts like I just expressed. And after considerable thought and reflection - no, I don't really want my husband in trouble, I'm just hurt (followed by anger) that he has rejected me. So think that over - it's possible I mis-read your comments on this, and/or I'm projecting.

 

I agree it's GIGS. And the swift cure for that ailment is to "drop the rope," and demonstrate, through action only, the consequence of his affair could be loading you forever. It is critical not to verbalize an ultimatum. Him seeing you are proceeding with your life (referred to as GALing), will cause him some pause. I have not recommended this author before on LS - but something tells me you would enjoy her writing on these matters.

 

I recommend you google Mi-Mi Tanner. I have been greatly satisfied with my purchases from her. You need not make a purchase. Simply sign-up for the e-mail newsletter - there is a different one for each book, 4 in all. Free. It's all the basics, but it will come to you a bit at a time.

 

Another recommendation I would make especially for you is Bob Grant. Same procedure. You do not need to purchase the material.

 

Finially, I have over 3.5 years experience with a husband that continues to thwart the divorce process. I wish, long ago I had read (or at least consistently applied) those, and most importantly, a 3rd recommendation, Homer McDonald's concepts. It would have saves a couple years of unproductive circular exchanges with my husban since I filed for the divorce. I actually talk Mr. McDonald -- he does respond to his readers!

 

After reading my synoposis, Mr. HM totally shifted my paradigm! In only 15 conference (free advice), my perspectives, mental (positive vs negative) attitudes towards this protracted marital/separation/divorce matter was dramatically changed for the better. One thing he said, in my particular case, is "Single women are "smart women," and married women are married to the boss!". I just loved that - and have come to realize this is so true.

 

As a young woman, that is self-sufficient, I highly recommend you start to consider the "flip-side" of your delimma - or as HW says, in effect, "wise people are the only ones who always, immediately look to the good benifits of a problem or adversity. In your case, that might be freedom from a known cheater whilst you are so young. Believe me, I was not wise -- it took the "School of Hard Knocks," for me to finially "get it."

 

HM's readings/concepts are throughly covered in the most updated version on the net - the one that contains not only synopese, but 5 recorded interviews as well.

 

Of course the Divorce Busters site, as well as Marriage Builders are both outstanding (the latter of which actually suggests exposing the affair).

 

If I was that husband of the OW your husband is seeing (or visa versa), I would had valued, deeply, someone telling me - as I just could not see or comprehend it for years - even though I knew something was absolutely going on, - (it had to be).... this constant "not knowing for sure" life I accepted was reflected in my weight gain back then.

 

I hope these ideas are helpful to you young lady. Try not to wait till your 50's to face the monster, and stop feeding him (and your denial, if u should happen to have any). The foods your "monster" likes are things you've stated:

 

1. Contesting the divorce,

2. Continuing contact,

3. The unlikely chance to be friends only,

4. Sex in light of this crisis,

5. The lower your self esteem gets, the more he will want to eat of it,

6. There are many other satisfying treats for your Monster, like begging, pleading, and every action cited in the 180 that is ill advised. I'm sure you got the idea.

 

No More Food 4 Him!

 

Best to you, Yas

Edited May 25, 2012 by Yasuandio

[xenomorph]

^ love this, thank you, and i'd like to properly reply to it a little later :]

 

 

I think i left it out, or just wasn't clear, but I'd like to note that my H moved back to his home town right after the "goodbye" portion of my story. That's when I went from a foggy LC to NC for over a month.

[Tiberius]

He is playing you. I would divorce and look for someone who respects his partner.

[whichwayisup]

Tell the fiancee asap. He's going to be upset and feel betrayed but better for him to find out now that his gf/future wife is a cheater, a liar and a betrayer than after they say their vows. He needs to know.

 

The proof? Your H moved out and your pain will show this guy that there an A going on under his nose.

[2sunny]

Tell the fiancee asap. He's going to be upset and feel betrayed but better for him to find out now that his gf/future wife is a cheater, a liar and a betrayer than after they say their vows. He needs to know.

 

The proof? Your H moved out and your pain will show this guy that there an A going on under his nose.

 

Yep!

 

And call the state and inform him that your stbexH no longer lives in the state!

 

That's stealing. If he doesn't live in that state and he's taking money while not working - the state needs to know the truth - he has moved to another state!

 

And why isn't he earning money as an adult male? He seems terribly immature.

[xenomorph]

Some people say that husbands may drag their feet on the process of divorce because they want to keep their wife as a back up plan.

His flip flopping statements all the way up to the day he left came off that way. He even said that maybe he'll "come by between semesters". When I said that once he's out the door, he's never coming back, he responded with "I never said I'd never come back". I said nothing to these statements and gave him cold silence. I began to hate him in those moments, because as much as I was hurting, I was boiling with knowing that he was full of crap, and that I am NO ONE's back up plan.

 

It took time, but I'm ready to "drop the rope" and never look back. His recent behavior has made this easier, which makes me wonder: does he want me to file for divorce so he can save himself the headache and money?

 

It could also be his excuse is money, possibly? I'm with Carhill - start process yourself. If you both can agree, you can do your own divorce - since property nor alimony is at issue, for less than five hundred dollars.

 

There is even a kit in the document section at Office Depot! You are an extremely articulate, and detailed-minded, intelligent young woman. Fill out the papers and file them with the Court, or simply hire a paralegal to look over your self-prepared document - and file it for u.

 

It would be just peachy-keen if your divorce is granted by default, but don't count on it.

Very good advice, thank you! I will look into legal counsel as well, since I have questions regarding affairs in no-fault states when no children are involved.

 

I will also look into your author recommendations. In my research I have bumped into Homer and the Divorce Busters site, but I haven't tried contacting Homer or Michele's DB crew. I feel that I really should now.

 

Should I focus on filing for divorce first, however?

 

Next, I want to point out that it is possible your understandably hurt feelings may be metastasizing into a little anger. I say that due to your emphasis on the out-of-state collection of what could be his fraudulent unemployment claim(s). While I totally get that this is promlematic, are you sure u have all the facts? Would you want to see your husband prosicuted for this - or is it anger on your part to focus on this? I say that because once you ring that bell u can't unring it.

 

I have had thoughts like I just expressed. And after considerable thought and reflection - no, I don't really want my husband in trouble, I'm just hurt (followed by anger) that he has rejected me. So think that over - it's possible I mis-read your comments on this, and/or I'm projecting.

I think you're right, that I am more upset that I feel used for his benefit while I'm left behind, hurting, left to pick up the pieces (so many triggers/reminders of him here), while he's back home, relaxing, partying, going to school and hanging out with people who were completely absent during his time in the military--no memories of me there.

 

Truth will unravel on it's own and during the divorce process, so I really don't have to go out of my way. I should keep it that way; focus on getting this monkey off my back, and any fallout is just collateral I am not responsible for.

 

If I was that husband of the OW your husband is seeing (or visa versa), I would had valued, deeply, someone telling me - as I just could not see or comprehend it for years - even though I knew something was absolutely going on, - (it had to be).... this constant "not knowing for sure" life I accepted was reflected in my weight gain back then.

What's even trickier is that my H and the OW's fiance are friends. I don't know why I still have my doubts on whether or not something is actually going on now between my H and the OW, especially since I know he's been a flirt as of late. Mutual friends have mentioned that the bulk of his new "friends" on FB are overwhelmingly female. ugh...

 

I hope these ideas are helpful to you young lady. Try not to wait till your 50's to face the monster, and stop feeding him (and your denial, if u should happen to have any). The foods your "monster" likes are things you've stated:

 

1. Contesting the divorce,

2. Continuing contact,

3. The unlikely chance to be friends only,

4. Sex in light of this crisis,

5. The lower your self esteem gets, the more he will want to eat of it,

6. There are many other satisfying treats for your Monster, like begging, pleading, and every action cited in the 180 that is ill advised. I'm sure you got the idea.

 

No More Food 4 Him!

 

Best to you, Yas

Many thanks, again! I've written down the food list to keep me in line

[xenomorph]

Tell the fiancee asap. He's going to be upset and feel betrayed but better for him to find out now that his gf/future wife is a cheater, a liar and a betrayer than after they say their vows. He needs to know.

 

The proof? Your H moved out and your pain will show this guy that there an A going on under his nose.

 

Should I wait until after I've filed, or should I do this asap?

 

I have some materials as proof that I can offer, but my only way of communicating with the OW's fiance is via social networks. I also don't know what he has been told by either the OW or my H (they're both very sly wordsmith manipulators), so my approach has to be 'just so' or I'll be written off as who-knows-what depending on what was said.

 

Should I offer him to contact me of his own free will, or should I present to him the evidence I have and leave it at that?

 

I've never ever dealt with this situation before, so I'm treading very scary waters here. I have been advised by at least a couple friends to NOT tell the the OW's fiance. Very confused, here!

[xenomorph]

had a weak moment today: found a small letter that my H has written to me over a year ago while he was on deployment. It was full of hope and promise and love. so much love. I read it a few times, with tears welling up in my eyes.

 

what could have snapped?

 

then i realized that these dreams he was writing about are things he is now doing with his new/old friends. i feel like chopped liver. a rag doll that no one remembered to mend.

 

was i the rebound? was he only trying to impress this OW, who he had a short lived relationship with before he got dumped for another guy, and before he met me?

 

i hate to entertain these thoughts, and the wishing--the constant wishing!--to know the truth.

[2sunny]

Take your power back and file.

 

Stop handing him so much of YOUR power.

 

And call the OW's fiancé.

 

And call the state - he's not being honest about the money he's getting.

 

Do what's right. You'll have no regrets if you do what's right.

[xenomorph]

Update: Definitely filing, just doing some schedule adjusting at the moment to meet with a paralegal who will help me file.

 

Reported him to unemployment as well, and have "return to sender"'d all his mail, stating he has not lived in the state as of so and so date.

 

Confirmed that he has not removed himself from the lease. His cooperation is needed to do so, unfortunately. I may have to speak to a lawyer in terms of how to remove him without him.

 

I also got in touch with him, but I when I tried to contact a second time it was a no-go. Not too much of a concern, just wanted to see if he was still ducking and lying (and he is). He always says that he will cooperate via email, but he never does.

In our last very short conversation, I was talking business, but he said a few very odd things, mostly about how he is still trying to figure out how he feels. My thoughts?: that's nice, I didn't ask.

The little tiny piece of heart I had left for him thumped once, and nothing more. If anything, it just feels like he's throwing that in to put me off balance again, but I no longer want him. Not even as friends.

 

I've realized recently what a bonafide narcissist he is and feel that I have truly let go. He is dangerous to be around (I do not want to be tied up in his legal troubles, if they come to pass) and the farther away I am the better off I'll be.

 

I will keep updating with how things pan out, because who knows with this guy...

[dng]

I am still reading your story. I'm in the middle of it, and I had to jump and open another to tell you something.

 

I am amazed at your mind, at how methodical you are, at how you have it all layed it out there, in logical steps, with a narrative that makes sense and slowly builds up.

 

I have no advice for you, because I'm a **** up myself and lost my 9 years girlfriend..

 

Still, I can't help thinking that if only you could apply your cold logic to everything in your life, you would be a homerun hitter.. I know, I know, emotions will get in the way..

 

But still. You have alot going for yourself, despite of everything that's happened to you.

[xenomorph]

It's only because I waited so long to tell my story. I should have posted immediately, but I was unsure.

 

I wrote it and built on it for days, kinda like a journal. I have a timeline of events so I can keep everything straight in my head because everything felt so fuzzy.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I hear "you have a lot going for you" a lot, and I feel grateful. However, a part of me doesn't understand it. This divorce is sucking up my time and money. A divorce I didn't want in the first place.

 

Got an email from him last week that pretty much erases all doubt: he's just plain awful.

 

My H is off living his life and pretending I don't exist, while I'm here cleaning up the mess he left behind. All of the loose ends he is supposed to be responsible for have fallen on me, while he's partying and being irresponsible. Just when I think things couldn't get worse, they do.

 

I want this over, but I don't have time and money growing out of my hair (whereas HE does). I'm paying for everything, insurance still takes money out of my paycheck to cover him, and I'm liable for any mistakes he makes. ... and he doesn't care. I have nothing to complain about in his mind.

 

But he'll get his. You can't live a lie long enough to outlive it. He is going to experience something terrible, but for now, he's on top of the world.

[xenomorph]

^ I sound so sour.

 

I'm hurting right now because I will be broke because of my H. It sucks now, but I shouldn't let some lost money get me down. I hope I can get over that fact soon. I should be grateful that I can still afford what I have, even if it means selling a lot of stuff and living on a tighter budget for a while. I must always remember to count my blessings and find strength in those blessings.

 

I guess that's what people mean when they say I have a lot going for me. I may lose now, but I have a wealth that is constant and that I can always call upon. My H wanted to leech off of my talents and connections and friends. He is still on contact with people that he met through me and because of me, but I don't exist. It's so silly of him! I just don't understand how his brain works now.

[2sunny]

It's only because I waited so long to tell my story. I should have posted immediately, but I was unsure.

 

I wrote it and built on it for days, kinda like a journal. I have a timeline of events so I can keep everything straight in my head because everything felt so fuzzy.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I hear "you have a lot going for you" a lot, and I feel grateful. However, a part of me doesn't understand it. This divorce is sucking up my time and money. A divorce I didn't want in the first place.

 

Got an email from him last week that pretty much erases all doubt: he's just plain awful.

 

My H is off living his life and pretending I don't exist, while I'm here cleaning up the mess he left behind. All of the loose ends he is supposed to be responsible for have fallen on me, while he's partying and being irresponsible. Just when I think things couldn't get worse, they do.

 

I want this over, but I don't have time and money growing out of my hair (whereas HE does). I'm paying for everything, insurance still takes money out of my paycheck to cover him, and I'm liable for any mistakes he makes. ... and he doesn't care. I have nothing to complain about in his mind.

 

But he'll get his. You can't live a lie long enough to outlive it. He is going to experience something terrible, but for now, he's on top of the world.

 

Cancel his ins coverage. Tell him when it expires and quit paying his way.

 

That ought to show him it's over and the free ride stops soon!

[xenomorph]

Cancel his ins coverage. Tell him when it expires and quit paying his way.

 

That ought to show him it's over and the free ride stops soon!

I would if I could. My insurance company requires that the divorce be final before he is removed. Frustrating isn't even the word! Urgh! This sounded fishy, so I'm discussing my options with lawyers at the moment.

 

But yes, I've tried. I've done all I could to cut him off, but without his cooperation, it's an uphill battle for me. Time, money, energy, etc... all because of his lazyness and self-justified entitlement.

 

Trust me, I wish it was easier/cheaper/faster.

[2sunny]

I would if I could. My insurance company requires that the divorce be final before he is removed. Frustrating isn't even the word! Urgh! This sounded fishy, so I'm discussing my options with lawyers at the moment.

 

But yes, I've tried. I've done all I could to cut him off, but without his cooperation, it's an uphill battle for me. Time, money, energy, etc... all because of his lazyness and self-justified entitlement.

 

Trust me, I wish it was easier/cheaper/faster.

 

All the more reason to get the divorce lied - so it can get finalized.

[xenomorph]

All the more reason to get the divorce lied - so it can get finalized.

Do you have a spare $400 to $1000 you can give me? That would help