bloveby Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 I am not married but I am living with the father of my 4 year old son. We have been together for 5 years now. For the past years, I was never unfaithful to him, all I did was work and provide for them since he cannot work because he has to take care of our son. But last year, something happened that I myself cannot imagine that I could ever do it to him. I met someone who is actually a common friend of ours. We go out together, the 3 of us and some friends. There was one party that the guy I'm living with has to go home early with our son so I stayed with the other guy and some friends. We had some drinks and got kinda tipsy. He drove me home but before I got out of the car, we kissed and decided to go somewhere else and something happened. Both of us didnt expect that it would happen coz we never showed any attraction to each other before that night. But days passed and we started communicating with each other thru text messaging. EVERYDAY, we were texting like crazy. He would text me as I woke up, texted me at work and until I reach home. We continued seeing each other secretly and then we realized that we do feel something for each other. He kept telling me that he had a crush on me eversince and that he just didnt wanna tell me nor show it to me coz he knew that I was already with somebody. Honestly, I was like thinking that I loved him more than the guy Im living with for 5 years! We kept our communication going not until I was always jealous and I kept on doubting about him like I felt like he also has someone else. He kept telling me how much he loves me and that what hinders us is our situation. I decided to stop texting and communicating with him for a couple of days now because I started to realize that seems like Im not doing the right thing and that I hope my love for him will soon fade away. We dont communicate anymore for a couple of days now but I know deep inside me that I still love him and he sends me emails that he will always be around whatever my decision is. I am now trying to put things back to the way it used to be with the guy Im living with but at the same time I still feel this pain and sadness about the other guy coz I did love him so much. I am confused on what do I really have to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) Depends what is important to you, what i'm thinking about is that 4yr old boy. What is it about your present BF that you dislike ? And yes, you need to answer this ... make a list here with your likes and dislikes about him, because if you felt strongly about him you woul not have done this. Also, what do you mean by 'something happened' ? Seems to me that if you had sex, it took you a long while to realize that it was 'cheating' which means you have serious boundary issues. To clarify things, you are either in an Emotional Affair or a Physichal Affair. You say you love your Affair Partner more than your BF, but that is just because you project only what is best on him. The reality will eventually hit you like a ton of bricks. The question is, why did this happen ? Affairs are symptoms, not causes ... your affair is 100% on you and not your bf. Edited May 23, 2012 by Radu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloveby Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 Thanks for replying to my post Radu. I deeply appreciate it because honestly I got no one to talk to about my current situation. I know that the people around me wont understand why this happened or what came into me that I was able to "cheat" on the guy Im living with. To answer your 1st question, there are no specific things that I dislike about him, it's just that the other guy showed me something that the guy Im living with has never done to me for the past 5 years. The other guy was really verbally sweet, he tells me everything he feels but the guy Im living with, he's not that verbal when it comes to his love and affection to me. The other guy shows appreciation about everything from my physical aspects to who I really am. It was never my intention to cheat on the guy that Im living with. It just happened unexpectedly and I got hooked with the other guy and I fell inlove with him. I sometimes google the difference between love and infatuation coz Im so confused about how I really feel about the other guy mainly because I got no one to talk to about this problem that Ive started. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 (edited) You say cheat and then 'cheat' ... which is it, what did you do ? If you want to save this you need to do a few things : - go NC with your guy - go into MC with your guy - communicate better with your guy [included in the above somewhat] You might need to actually say that you are starting to fall out of love with him and that this is serious, very serious. To explain, NC means no contact ... which means no ****ing contact ... NO CONTACT. You loved this guy once, and it does sound like you are infatuated with him [you have a crush on him]. One exercise you could do would be to close your eyes, clear your mind completeley, close your eyes, picture him ... and start attaching negative stuff to him [your affair partner that is] : - he has rabies - he has a secret wife [and picture her being lovely to him] - he has herpes - he likes it up the butt from big hairy men - he is highly possesive Try to picture this 'him' many times over, flawed. Let him multiply in your mind. Do this many times. PS: I forgot to add. One of the things that makes affairs so tentalizing is the fact that they are illicit, hidden from view and yet so dirty. #1 advice if your husband was posting this would have been to blow this affair out in the open, tell it to everyone. If you want to save your relationship, you might end up doing this. If the two of you will work through this and he finds out about this in the future, it will destroy all of the work you have done and for him it will be like it had happened then and now, and it will take him 2-5yrs to get over it ... he will never forget. Edited May 23, 2012 by Radu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloveby Posted May 23, 2012 Author Share Posted May 23, 2012 Thanks for that advice. You made me smile somehow. I agree with NC... I searched from the internet on how to let go of an affair and it does say the same thing NO CONTACT. Well, I stopped communicating with him since last Saturday until Today. 5 days straight. I tried doing it last week and it lasted for 1 week but then he texted and told me that he loved me and stuff and again I was hooked. But it was just for 5 days because I found out he was texting someone else and that girl used to be our friend too. Terrible ryt? Good thing I was able to realize this early that he is just good with words and unfortunately I fell deep down the pit of his words. I dont want to destroy my 5 year relationship with the guy Im living with because I know he loves me, I was just tempted to do something that luckily Im starting to end it. I hope I will never communicate with him even if he sends me messages or emails. But im sorry to say this, I love him and I still do but I always look at the positive things with the guy Im with because I want to love him the way I used to. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 23, 2012 Share Posted May 23, 2012 Ok, the exercise i mentioned above, replace wife with this girl ... if you know her and can find her picture on FB, add it there next to him in your imagination and do that. I had a crush on a girl about 1yr ago, i knew she was not good for me ... highly manipulative but my mind kept attaching these positive things to her. I quickly realized that if i don't take charge my body language will show in her presence that i am attracted ... which could spell trouble, lots of drama would have ensued. So i started attaching all of the negative things i could think off. I started picturing scenarios where i would find out she was with some other loser guy, that she had diseases, that she was mentally ill. I still see her today, but when i look at her [and she is quite pretty], i see just this immature girl who got lucky in the body lottery and ... that's about it. In a way i actually find her very unattractive because i can see through her behaviour now. You are in effect knocking them off their pedestal, the pedestal they sit on in your mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloveby Posted May 24, 2012 Author Share Posted May 24, 2012 Exactly! After reading your post last night, I did what you adviced and it worked. I kept thinking how a big liar he is and to think he's not that attractive to be honest. Its just that Im not that much into the physical side of a person but the inner part. That was where I thought he was really a nice guy because he was really good as in reallu good in making a woman feel good about herself. But I kept imagining how unattractive he was, a liar, and sorry to say this, interms of size, hmmm not that good... Thanks so much! Im on my 6th day of NC with him. Never felt so good about it not after reading your advices. Link to post Share on other sites
K_Kat Posted May 27, 2012 Share Posted May 27, 2012 Hello... I just happened to come upon this website.... i have some of my own issues and i believe we have something in common.... I understand you have been with your partner for the past five years and that you had met one person and had a "one night" fling... You see, i believe meeting that person and allowing you to be in that situation is a symptom to what is going on in your relationship... Are you happy? Have you ever thought of leaving your current relationship before you met this other person? Or are you "happy enough"? You take what you can get? I believe there are many people in this world and perhaps this other person could be better suited to you then your current partner... but... unfortunately men are also pigs and he could be telling you this **** to have another roll in the hay sack.... But i also believe, you should NEVER leave your CBF for someone new... this will never work... I think people have affairs to cop out of their unhappiness and don´t have the balls to look at their situation. I think if someone found another partner while in a relationship, put that on hold, see what you want, end or stay, if you choose to end, end because you want to leave your husband not because there is another man waiting for you.... then a few months later, date that other person and or others... then there is no let downs and if it doesnt work out with the new person... you won´t have that "omg what did i do"!!!! Do you feel the need to do this again? How is your sex life with your CBF? Are you emotionally close? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 8, 2012 Share Posted June 8, 2012 The new guy isn't where you place your future.. What would you have done if you had never met the new guy ? .. that is what you should do. IMO Link to post Share on other sites
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