Help! 2 weeks have turned into 4 months

[Juno]

I am going out of my mind.

 

My boyfriend has this uncle (who is not really his uncle) come to stay with us. Intitially it was suppose to be for 2 weeks, but has since turned into 4 months.

 

The psuedo uncle has a home in another state, limited income, his wife just left him, and he is in poor health. Due to these circumstances, my boyfriend asked him to come up to visit us to clear his head, and to see if he would like to find a place up where we are to move and live.

 

Since he has been with us, he had to go to the ER 4 times for and has not made one effort to look for a place to live.

 

I feel bad for him, but he is not really his uncle, and althought he is not close to his family has two sons, and a brother who should be helping him. I don't know why we are responsible for him. My boyfriend is unable/unwilling to ask him to leave.

 

Of course I feel bad for him, and would like to help him, but I want my life back. Everyday it's all about his health issues, and his ex-wife. Needless to say, this has caused a tremendous strain on my relationship.

 

What can I do without being the b*tch who kicked a man when his is down?

Edited May 23, 2012 by Juno
correct title

[january2011]

Remind your boyfriend that it was meant to be 2 weeks and an overstay that has turned into 4 months is unacceptable.

 

I'd suggest moving out for a week or two to get some breathing space and let your boyfriend see what it's like to not have you there. Tell your boyfriend that you need to get away for a little while and that while you are gone, you need him to discuss a deadline for the uncle to move out.

 

However, get your ducks in a row and be prepared to move out permanently and leave your boyfriend to his uncle. It may actually come to that unless he sees your concerns as valid, given that you are the other bill-payer.

[Juno]

My boyfriend keeps telling me that we probably saved this man's life as he was so depressed over his situation that he probably would have taken his own life. Additionally, he has/had cancer and wasn't getting the best medical care in the state he was living. He is currently no under going any cancer treatment, so I think he is in remission.

 

I am a compassionate person, but don't understand why he is our responsibility. There must be another way of helping him without him living with us?

[january2011]

There must be another way of helping him without him living with us?

 

I'm not unsympathetic. However, you've done four months of helping him out. Considering it was never meant to be a permanent arrangement, he really has outstayed his welcome of what was meant to be 2 weeks.

 

If you don't want to be abrupt then you can start looking for potential accommodation for him that is not so close that he can be at your house for dinner every night but that you can perhaps see him once in a week/fortnight to check up on him. Then present the shortlist to your boyfriend and suggest that he talks to his uncle about moving out. If they still persist in making excuses then I think you're going to have to accept that your boyfriend's loyalties lie elsewhere. And you're either going to be living with this uncle permanently OR you're going to have to move out and possibly break up.

 

I think that you need to realise that you are not being unreasonable. Your boyfriend is being unreasonable and is enabling his uncle to rely on you both as his crutch.

[Juno]

@ January2011, Thank you for your reply. If really helps receiving feedback and confirmation that I am not being a wicked witch.

 

My boyfriend insists on telling the uncle in a rude way that "I" don't want him around. I do not like being made out to be the "bad guy" for a situation that he created and was never suppose to happen.

[january2011]

@ January2011, Thank you for your reply. If really helps receiving feedback and confirmation that I am not being a wicked witch.

 

My boyfriend insists on telling the uncle in a rude way that "I" don't want him around. I do not like being made out to be the "bad guy" for a situation that he created and was never suppose to happen.

 

That suggests immaturity on your boyfriend's part and a lack of accountability. It also suggests that he doesn't see you both as a team - perhaps something to consider if you ever reach a situation where marriage is on the cards.

 

The other option is that if the uncle stays, he has to pay his way and help to maintain the house. You agreed to 2 weeks to clear his head, you didn't agree to him freeloading on a permanent basis nor did you agree that he holds more sway in what goes on in your house than you do.

[Juno]

Now he says, he might as well go out and buy a gun and give it to his uncle so he can shoot himself, because he will probably kill himself if we ask him to leave. Ugh!

[Radu]

In my country, children have a legal responsability to take care of their parents if they are over 18 and under 26 [could be 28 ... i need to check it out].

I would check with a lawyer in your country to see if you have a similar law there.

 

What is his connection to this uncle person ?

 

PS: january has a very good point.

[january2011]

Now he says, he might as well go out and buy a gun and give it to his uncle so he can shoot himself, because he will probably kill himself if we ask him to leave. Ugh!

 

No, I'm sorry. That is emotional blackmail.

 

At this point, I'd seriously consider packing my bags and leaving the BF and uncle to continue their priority relationship.

 

You're not even married yet and have been more than generous.

[Juno]

In my country, children have a legal responsability to take care of their parents if they are over 18 and under 26 [could be 28 ... i need to check it out].

I would check with a lawyer in your country to see if you have a similar law there.

 

What is his connection to this uncle person ?

 

PS: january has a very good point.

 

 

He is not even his REAL uncle. He is a friend of his father. The two grew up together.

[Juno]

No, I'm sorry. That is emotional blackmail.

 

January2011, you articulate exactly how I feel. I wish I could have expressed these sentiments to my boyfriend without screaming and straining my vocal cords.

[turnera]

The best way to show him is for you to move out until he fixes the situation.

[shorty7]

January2011 pretty much nailed it.

 

I can't articulate as well as January, so just to make my point clear, I'm going to name the pseudo-uncle Bob and your Boyfriend Joe, so I can write a little more clearly.

 

I see more of it as an issue that the Joe isn't willing to look for other venues of help for his pseudo uncle Bob. No matter how close family friends are, you can't honestly say that Joe knows everything there is to know about Bob's family. To me, Joe taking in Bob and meddling with his family has likely caused some unnecessary fissures on their end and may have fed the unlikelihood of Bob's family helping out.

 

Has there been any changes since the first 2 weeks that have changed Bob's ability to actually go live on his own? If I were you, I'd approach it as a breach of contract/agreement as if it were business. It's not anything personal against Bob. From what I see, it's not Bob himself that bothers you but the fact that he's been allowed to freeload for 4 months past the initial agreement, and the fact that Joe is clearly acting if his intention is not to make the stay temporary.

 

It's really about Joe and not Bob.

 

Joe promised you that the stay would be temporary. Now he's acting as if he told Bob that, then Bob would kill himself. He's telling you one thing and saying something else to Bob. That's lying.

Joe hasn't been helping Bob look for other venues for help. In fact, Joe is acting as if he's the only person keeping Bob safe. This is without Joe looking for all available help to Bob. That's hypocrisy.

 

To make things worse, precious time and relationship matters you and Joe need to be building on have been stolen by the occupation of someone new in your life that you weren't ready for. That, in my book, is stealing.

 

Your situation is no different than your boyfriend coming home with an infant saying that his father's friend's daughter abandoned her child and "the child would be left for dead if we didn't take care of it." Really? What about the woman's parents? The father of the child? Until Joe's literally EXHAUSTED all available living relatives that are actually related to Bob, you can't say that there hasn't been any legal obligation on Joe's end that he needed to do this.

 

Joe offering your place up for crashing indefinitely isn't really helping Bob. It's not compassion that's keeping the man there. True compassion would have been reaching out to all available relative and seeking a true hospice for Bob that can actually adequately care for the man's needs. True compassion would have been seeking help for this man whether it be counseling for his depression or any other means for Bob to actually get up on his feet. Joe has apparently done none of that, and expects you to deal with the emotional burden.

 

Joe needs to wake up and realize that those are the actions of unfairness being done onto to you. He needs to start actually doing things that would make it fair for you. Actively doing something to alleviate your burden would be a nice first gesture/step.

[Juno]

Amazingly you all are very clear on what has happened and what needs to happen. I don't understand why my boyfriend cannot see things as clearly.

 

To thicken the plot even further...I really think my boyfriend wants to keep the psuedo uncle around to influence his decision as far as his home, will and estate are concerned. Mind you the psuedo uncle has no assets other than the home he co-owns with his soon-to-be ex-wife. Some how I think my boyfriends feels that he can manage to get a quick claim deed to the property since the uncle is in such poor health.

 

I couldn't care less about any of his assests or the sorts. I have my own life and problems that I want to focus on, not his!

 

I am so frustrated by this situation that I could scream bloody murder for hours on end!

[shorty7]

Amazingly you all are very clear on what has happened and what needs to happen. I don't understand why my boyfriend cannot see things as clearly.

That's easy. We don't have emotions attached to Bob. Joe does. And apparently, in the wrong way by the terms you've explained.

 

Yeah, I'm one to say "fix what's broken, not just throw it out," but I'd run. Joe's now relying on Bob's shotty non-existent assets to secure his future for you instead of trying to earn something out of what he can work for? Not what I find acceptable in a mate/partnership/marriage.

 

I sure hope you don't have any shared assets with Joe aside from the apartment you share.

[FitChick]

It could be that this situation is a blessing in disguise because it gives you a chance to really "see" what the boyfriend is all about. Move out.

[Juno]

Umm...my boyfriend is a complete coward. He told his uncle that I did not want him there and he (the uncle) should talk to me to smooth things out.

 

So the uncle called me at work and said he needed more time, he has no place to go, and didn't plan on staying with us forever.

 

So I said, this situation is putting stress on my relationship and I may have to move out for peace and calm. Guess what he said to me? Well, if you are not here, what difference does it make if I stay? You got to be f*cking kidding me. Besides, he has a home that he abandoned. No one kicked him out of his place.

 

It's hard, because when talking to him, I'm looking at an old man, frail and needy. No matter how much I know I am justified in position, I will still appear the be a heartless b*tch if I make him leave and even worse if he passes away soon after I make him leave.

[Juno]

Update: Me being ever so nice, I gave my boyfried a deadline of June 30th for the uncle to be out and in the meantime I will stay with a family member. I am hoping this sends a clear message of how serious I am.

 

Additionally I have stopped paying my portion of the household expenses. The uncle has been with us for over 4 months, and shows no desire on looking for a place to live, or evening moving back to his house.

 

We have become his sugar momma and sugar daddy, catering to his every wish. More food, more heat, take me here, giving pocket money, going to out to eat, gas in his car etc. My boyfriend has even started taking the uncle to work with him, because he is too lonely to stay in our house by himself during the day.

 

Everyday it is a struggle for me to not focus on how sad my situation has become.

[whichwayisup]

Why is your boyfriends father not helping out since they are close?

 

You are doing the right thing by leaving and not paying anymore. Why pay your share when you're not there right now!

 

My guess is, within a month or so your bf will change his mind since now it's just the two of them. ALL of this is on HIM now. HE has to look after 'friend/uncle' and do all the shopping, pay for everything.. It's a whole new ball game now.

 

Though I didn't like reading this part..

 

 

To thicken the plot even further...I really think my boyfriend wants to keep the psuedo uncle around to influence his decision as far as his home, will and estate are concerned. Mind you the psuedo uncle has no assets other than the home he co-owns with his soon-to-be ex-wife. Some how I think my boyfriends feels that he can manage to get a quick claim deed to the property since the uncle is in such poor health.

 

if this is what is driving your bf, his reasons to have the family friend stay with him, then it's even better you're not living there right now. If this is true, he is totally manipulating and taking advantage of a man who not thinking clearly nor in good health.

[Juno]

Why is your boyfriends father not helping out since they are close?

 

His father passed away 10 years ago. He was extremly depressed over losing his wife, so much so he comimitted suicide. This maybe reason my boyfriend feels so compelled to help this man. The similarities between the father and uncle are that they both have experienced a great loss of a spouse, althought under difference circumstances. Maybe my bf truely feels the uncle will cause himself some harm, and this is an opportunity to save him, whereas he was unable to do for his father.

 

 

if this is true, he is totally manipulating and taking advantage of a man who not thinking clearly nor in good health.

 

I believe they are manipulating each other. The uncle by filling my bf head with statements like "you are more of a son to me than my own son" I don't know how he can feel that way, since the only other time he spent any time with my bf was 10 years ago at his father's funeral. He also makes statements like, "I am going to leave everything to you" Ummm, he has nothing. No stocks, bonds, cash in the bank, life insurance, jewelry, collectibles, not even a old beat up car. All he has is the home he co-owns with his soon to be ex-wife. Since there has not been a property settlement at this point, he can't even leave that since he does not own it outright.

 

Again, I couldn't care less about any of the above. I can't even clean the dishes without him commenting on how I could do it better/differently.

[turnera]

You did the exact right thing - removing yourself and letting them fall on their faces - and learn to respect you. Just wait it out.

[SarahRose]

I am going to go against the grain here and ask really why does this guy being there bother you so much?

 

This guy is elderly and doesn't seem to have anywhere to go and apparently this guy was your bf's dad's life bestie. The bf feels obligated to help him out which means he seems to be a decent kind caring person.

 

you also have to see your place here. you are not his wife. you are a live in and he has no ties or obligation to you.

 

there is such a thing as karma and you should hope when you are sick and elderly someone will show some kindness to you.

[SpiralOut]

I am going to go against the grain here and ask really why does this guy being there bother you so much?

 

This guy is elderly and doesn't seem to have anywhere to go and apparently this guy was your bf's dad's life bestie. The bf feels obligated to help him out which means he seems to be a decent kind caring person.

 

you also have to see your place here. you are not his wife. you are a live in and he has no ties or obligation to you.

 

there is such a thing as karma and you should hope when you are sick and elderly someone will show some kindness to you.

 

Your attitude is the same attitude that the bf is showing to Juno; that he has no ties or obligation to her and she needs to see her place. I'm not so sure if that's a good way for a bf to act towards his girlfriend.

Edited June 10, 2012 by SpiralOut

[SarahRose]

Your attitude is the same attitude that the bf is showing to Juno; that he has no ties or obligation to her and she needs to see her place. I'm not so sure if that's a good way for a bf to act towards his girlfriend.

 

people have different motivations for having a bf or gf.

living together doesn't mean they are going to get married and have kids and death do them part.

 

some people like the novelty of having a steady sex partner and companion but that doesn't mean they think of them as a life partner.

[SpiralOut]

people have different motivations for having a bf or gf.

living together doesn't mean they are going to get married and have kids and death do them part.

 

some people like the novelty of having a steady sex partner and companion but that doesn't mean they think of them as a life partner.

 

You might be right about that. I find it hard to understand why move in with someone you don't plan to be with forever, but that must be my background speaking.