I am Pregnant and my husband does not want a baby!!

[ms roque]

I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years and have just found out that I am pregnant. I am between 3 weeks to 6 weeks pregnant. But there is a problem. He does not want to have kids and I knew about this before we married but had hope that one day he will change his mind.

We are not in a good position to financially have kids plus my husband does not think our relationship is that great.

I know it would not be right to have a child now because I don't feel ready however this is probably my only chance to have a child with him because after this incident he is going to have a vasectomy.

If I keep the child the relationship will not be the same again as he would probably resent me like he resents his ex and he is not much of a father to his 8 year old.

And even if I didnt have the child I have lost his trust because when he asked me what I was going to do i said i didn't know and this scared him.

I am going to call the dr tomorrow to have an abortion but is this the right thing to do?

[bean1]

Prepare yourself to be a single mother to an uninvolved father.

 

Really, I don't need to tell you how foolish it is to marry a man hoping he would change his mind, especially when you already know he's not a good father to his first child.

 

Do you want to be a mother in this lifetime? If so, why abort? Sounds like you chose a poor match for a husband? He already said your relationship isn't that great.

 

I admit I am biased, I am a pregnant mother myself. I am not 'anti-abortion' but please don't abort for a man (and possibly a fleeting one at that) if you want to be a mother.

[ms roque]

Totally foolish.. but he never believed in marriage and he is now married.

 

He did tell me to convince him that having a baby would be a good idea but that would be Impossible...

1. he is a philosopher and psychologist - I can never win a debate or argument especially this one.

2. he has a valid point - we cannot afford to have a child.

3. he comes from a poor background and for the kind of life he has had (not a very nice one) he grew up resenting his mother for having him.

4. he is atheist - trying to use god will weaken my case.

 

he did however say if i had the baby (actually he is calling it a thing) it will not be the reason he will leave me. and he said if you really want a baby with me this is your only chance.

 

I would not forgive myself for giving him another child that he would not want. How can I convince him?

[CarrieT]

How can I convince him?

You can't convince him. You already said:

 

I can never win a debate or argument especially this one.

 

 

So you have three choices:

 

1. Leave the relationship and have the child - giving the child the best existence possible from a broken home and a meager existence.
   
2. Abort the child and stay in your relationship - possibly always questioning whether or not what you did was right or wrong.
   
3. Have the child and stay in the relationship - which looks like it would be putting you and your husband and "the thing" into an even more horrible situation with all of you suffering.
   

[wow04]

You can't convince him.

 

You have to make this decision. I am a single mom to 4 kids. It can be very hard at times, but I love it in the same. I wasn't finacially ready when I had any of my kids. You learn to adjust.

 

You need to think long and hard about this. Your decision will effect you the rest of your life.

[turnera]

There are millions of people who can't have kids who would love to adopt yours.

[watsluvgot2dowitit]

I would not forgive myself for giving him another child that he would not want. How can I convince him?

 

You can't. Women may be able to persuade men on alot of things,but when you are talking about KIDS that's another ball park. For most men there are just way more cons than pros and they would rather not bother.Men mean what they say majority of the time, he said he did not want kids,believe him. Even if he went along with it with a smile he still wouldn't want a kid. You have to decide if you can live with the emotional trauma that will come with an abortion and never being able to have a kid with your current husband or keeping the baby and having him be totally disengaged.

[Lauriebell82]

Did you get pregnant on the sly? I think if you did that, then you already have lost his trust.

 

I don't think there is any fixing this one: you either have the baby and raise it yourself, or not have the baby and save your marriage. It sounds like you want a combination of the two (have the baby and his acceptance of this).

 

Would he be open to marriage counseling? Before you make any hasty decisions, I would suggest trying that first.

[Eddie Edirol]

In your situation, the termination is the right thing to do. I also think you need to re-evaluate your marriage. If you went into this thinking you would change his mind, you obviously know you cant now, and apparently you really want children. So I think you should get out of this and marry someone who wants children like you.

[shorty7]

I think putting the baby up for an open adoption (you have visitation rights as the biological mother) might be another plausible alternative. Your husband doesn't have to be involved financially or emotionally. You get to give birth and have the acknowledgement that you brought on something to the world, but not the responsibility of having to raise it from your strained finances. You are free to love the child (as in send warm wishes always), but with that comes the price of never having the right to hold it, hug it, kiss it, groom it, or raise it like it was yours. When you put that child up for adoption, you say goodbye to every parenting desire.

 

You want a child to raise in your marriage, you need to be married to someone that wants the same.

 

I also agree some marriage counseling is needed.

[pteromom]

If you want this baby, fight for it. You can figure out the financial part.

 

BUT - if you get an abortion you don't really want, you will live with the regret and guilt for the rest of your life.

 

I would keep the baby - your husband said "If you want a baby with me, this is your only chance", right? So take it.

 

Keep working on your relationship, and if your husband doesn't get on board, you may have to look at different options.

 

If by the time you are ready to give birth, your marriage is horrible and you don't want to do it on your own, there are many many couples who will adopt your baby and give him/her a beautiful life - and as mentioned, you can do an open adoption and stay in the child's life.

[ms roque]

thanks you all or taking the time to give me your thought.. It really means a lot to me that there are people out there I can turn to in this hard time.

 

To answer some of your question..

 

no I didn't get pregnant on the sly and actually took the morning after pill the day after the incident so it either didn't work or I was already pregnant.

 

I have not told anyone else because everyone keeps telling me I should have kids so know what they would say on this matter.

 

If I had a choice I would not want to have a baby now. I am the only one that is bringing in money. I have just started a new job and my probation has not even finished yet so not sure where I stand with work? plus I am in the process of starting my own business.

 

My husband has not been working for a long time as his business went bust during the recession and he refused to get a job instead he has been spending his time trying to find a way to making money and touch wood for the last month or so things have started looking good for him.

 

Probably two years from now if things work out we or shall I say 'I' would be in a better condition to be able to bring someone up.

 

But its already done now and I can't help thinking it has happened for a reason. If I had my husband's support regardless of how un-ready I am or how broke we are I am sure I can work things out.

 

Re having the baby adopted, I know I will not be able to do that. My sister has been nagging me to have a baby and said she will look after it until I am ready to have it back but I know my husband will not be happy with that.. my family are religious and he will not want the kid to have a religious upbringing.

 

I think I am scared to have this baby.. not because my husband will hit me or anything but because I will be betraying him..

 

Poor child, it does not deserve to have such parents! Which I guess is my husband's point. He does not want to bring a child into this ''f****d up world'' with parents that have no condition to give it a good life that it deserves..

 

I am so totally screwed.. Out of all the men in the world I choose this one to try and build a life with..

[turnera]

How often does he hit you?

[grkBoy]

I unfortunately agree with bean1. I keep imagining this as you will want to keep the baby, but the two of you will eventually end up in divorce and you as a single mom with him wanting to do as little as possible in the child's life.

 

I agree with others one should NEVER marry someone who doesn't want kids...hoping to change his/her mind.

 

Wish I could be more positive, but I believe in the idea that parents who can't afford to have kids should never have kids...even if they think it's "unfair" or feel they'll miss out or not pass on the "blood line". I've heard many say "you'll never be financially ready in life", but I still think I'd rather be childless and not suffer over being a parent and having to sacrifice it all in life.

[pink_sugar]

This sounds like my mom's situation. She married my dad and hoped he would change his mind about kids when she told him she was on the pill and then went off the pill and got pregnant with my brother at 19, letting him believe it was an accident. When my dad found out the truth a few years later, he's resented her for the last 20+ years and always takes it out on us. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Were you both not on any type of birth control? A health clinic actually told me the morning after pill is only 86% effective, so there should be a regular method of birth control. It sounds like you were subconsciously hoping he'd have kids with you. At this point you will have to decide if he or the baby is more important to you. If you keep the baby, be prepared not to fault it for the loss of the father and have enough love for two parents.

[ms roque]

How often does he hit you?

 

Never.. He would never hit a woman..

[ms roque]

He has had a change of heart and said even though he is against me having this baby its up to me and he will do what he can for as long as he can to support it (which could up for as long as 10 years or as short as 2 days).. However he wants it in writing that this baby is mine and ALL my responsibility. He will not change nappies, feed it or do anything and I should never ask him to get involve.

 

Plus... He can't promise me he will stay with me if I get fat and get covered in stretch marks and cellulite..

 

Basically if I go ahead with this I will be a single mother.

[pteromom]

I think I am scared to have this baby.. not because my husband will hit me or anything but because I will be betraying him..

 

How so? He was a willing participant in the sex, right? There is always a risk of pregnancy, and it was HIS CHOICE too. You are not betraying him.

 

Poor child, it does not deserve to have such parents! Which I guess is my husband's point. He does not want to bring a child into this ''f****d up world'' with parents that have no condition to give it a good life that it deserves..

 

This F-d up world has a TON of beauty in it. There is a lot of good here. And a "good life" for a child has nothing to do with money - it's about LOVE. If you have love for this child you are carrying inside you, you will be able to give him/her everything he/she needs.

 

I admit I have a biased opinion against abortion. Not because of religion or anything like that, but because I struggled with infertility and tried so hard to get pregnant.

 

I saw little heartbeats flickering on a screen only to find out they quit growing, and was devastated. Those were my babies. They weren't clumps of cells - they were my babies.

 

I saw little hands and little mouth and little feet kicking inside me, and I fell in love. And I look into my son's beautiful eyes and am so blessed to have him in my life. He once was a flickering heartbeat on a screen, and now he is beautiful and perfect and calls me Mommy and says "I yuv you" and I cannot imagine making a choice NOT to have that in my life.

 

That is your child inside you. What isn't fair to your child is considering not bringing him/her into the world simply because you are married to someone who won't be a great father. I didn't have a great father. But I had a mom who loved me, and I am very glad she brought me into the world.

 

Instead of getting an abortion, go get an ultrasound. Watch that little heartbeat flicker, and tell me you don't already love this baby.

[pteromom]

He has had a change of heart and said even though he is against me having this baby its up to me and he will do what he can for as long as he can to support it (which could up for as long as 10 years or as short as 2 days).. However he wants it in writing that this baby is mine and ALL my responsibility. He will not change nappies, feed it or do anything and I should never ask him to get involve.

 

Plus... He can't promise me he will stay with me if I get fat and get covered in stretch marks and cellulite..

 

Basically if I go ahead with this I will be a single mother.

 

Wow - he sounds like a real prize. I can see why you want to stay with him.

 

So what happens if you DON'T have a baby, and 10 years from now you get stretch marks? What happens if you AGE and you aren't as physically attractive anymore? He is just gonna leave?

 

Giving him something in writing that the baby is ALL your responsibility is laughable. I wouldn't do that. It's a manipulative ploy...

[Eddie Edirol]

I can guarantee you that if you have this baby, and you pressure him to get a job, that will be a major problem. He wont want to work in a menial job for the kid if he wants to have his own business, so that would do major damage to the relationship, thats IF the major damage hasnt been done during pregnancy, birth, daycare, whatever. Dont do it, there is nothing good that could come from a baby in your marriage, IF you want to save the marriage.

[pink_sugar]

That is your child inside you. What isn't fair to your child is considering not bringing him/her into the world simply because you are married to someone who won't be a great father. I didn't have a great father. But I had a mom who loved me, and I am very glad she brought me into the world.

 

That's great, but unfortunately not the case. Sometimes a woman keeping a child can be a selfish decision, such as choosing to have a baby when you are unable to emotionally or financially support it. My husband had a parent who loved and raised him because his mom wasn't there....that parent died when he was a teenager and then he was forced to live with his mother until adulthood. His mom was never very good to him and now she is termally ill. My husband is almost an orphan in his late twenties and lost his only good parent at a young age. You are lucky to have that parent.

[pink_sugar]

He has had a change of heart and said even though he is against me having this baby its up to me and he will do what he can for as long as he can to support it (which could up for as long as 10 years or as short as 2 days).. However he wants it in writing that this baby is mine and ALL my responsibility. He will not change nappies, feed it or do anything and I should never ask him to get involve.

 

Plus... He can't promise me he will stay with me if I get fat and get covered in stretch marks and cellulite..

 

Basically if I go ahead with this I will be a single mother.

 

A change of heart is him saying he wants nothing to do with the baby? Don't fall for it. If this baby is what you want, have the baby. Did he take any measures to protect himself from accidental pregnancies? If not, he's just as responsible for your pregnancy. Sure he doesn't have to be a part of the child's life, but you can damn well be sure he pays you child support. I agree with the other poster, if he cannot accept you with cellulite or weight gain, he certainly won't accept you getting old. Looks won't last forever.

[bean1]

As an already-mother who is pregnant too, I can understand the fear of raising a child alone.

 

But whether you choose to abort, keep, or adopt out this baby...... this man seems horrid, I don't know how you could want to spend your life with someone who has no care or sympathy for you. His comments are CRUEL. Run honey, run.

[FryFish]

But its already done now and I can't help thinking it has happened for a reason.

ya... The reason was that you two werent careful enough... that is the ONLY reason this happened.

 

My suggestion, abortion AND divorce... You arent ready for a kid and this guy is a complete douche.

[Balzac]

Interesting to me is that OP took an emergency measure, Oral, but did not have an IUD inserted, a more effective back up, emergency measure.

 

I believe I am accurate in my reading of early posts. Yes #13.

Edited May 24, 2012 by Balzac
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