Falling for guy with girlfriend who admits he really likes me too...

[reptilelover88]

At the weekend I went to a friend's birthday party and met a guy whom I have known about for a couple of years but only met properly at this party.

 

As soon as we began talking we clicked massively in a way that has only ever happened to me once in my life before. To cut a long story short, we ended up talking for the whole evening and realising that we have a ridiculous amount in common. We made each other laugh until we cried! It was quite clear to everybody else around us that we were totally intoxicated with each other, but here's the killer - halfway through the evening he told me he has a girlfriend.

 

It ended up with him walking me home at about 4am and we stood on my doorstep for ages holding hands (nothing else happened) and talking. He confessed that he really likes me and has never met anyone like me before. He told me that things are not good between him and his girlfriend (I know that all cheats say that...) but that he is not a cheat and is committed to her for now. He asked whether he could see me as a friend. I told him no - that I don't want anything to do with him while he has a girlfriend. It is hard but that's the way it must be... We hugged and he left, insisting that he would see me again.

 

Since then, he added me on Facebook and we exchanged a couple of messages. We shared a few funny links to do with our mutual interests and established that we are both going to be attending the same formal event in about 3 weeks' time. Nothing has happened since then, and our messages have not been inappropriate.

 

I know that I'm doing the right thing by not getting involved with him at this point, but it's absolutely killing me inside. I'm totally smitten in a way that I haven't been for years and I want nothing more than to spend more time with him and get to know him better. I can hardly wait 3 weeks to see him again - but I'm worried that at that point the story will repeat itself and we will have a fabulous time... but he will still be with his girlfriend. I plan to continue meeting lots of new people as I always do, but I find it frustrating when that 'click' of instant compatibility happens so rarely.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited May 23, 2012 by reptilelover88

[TigerCub]

I applaud you for not wanting to get involved while he has a gf.

 

Word of caution: Don't even be "friends" with this guy - that's how he'll weasel into your life.

Don't do the FB stuff - because an email here and message there, sharing common interests that he just absolutely doesn't share with his ****ty gf that's making him miserable will lead to more.

 

Please don't fall for it.

 

Don't have any contact with that guy, and if the connection you share is really that special and if he's really that unhappy with his gf, he will break up with her and you can have a go at him.

 

I really do applaud you for being strong, but don't fall for the innocent "friends" crap at all - in any form.

 

Also saying that you don't want to be friends with him while he has a gf and then accepting his FB invitation and chatting with him, just sends him the message that you just say one thing and do another, and he will use that to test his limits with you.

 

...just somethin to think about.

[reptilelover88]

Thanks TigerCub - I agree with everything you've said. I told him that I have plenty of wonderful friends and don't need any 'friends' who aren't really friends but something else in disguise! He understood and accepted that, lol. The Facebook messages (of which only 3 have been exchanged) were a bit of weakness on my part but I'm pretty determined not to send more. They seem to have died down to a natural end for now since we've both established we're going to the same event. Part of me hopes he won't send me any more so that I don't have to make any more difficult decisions for now... I am obviously conflicted (and hurting) but I'm also trying extremely hard to do the right thing.

Edited May 23, 2012 by reptilelover88

[TigerCub]

Thanks TigerCub - I agree with everything you've said. I told him that I have plenty of wonderful friends and don't need any 'friends' who aren't really friends! He accepted that too, lol. The Facebook messages (of which only 3 have been exchanged) were a bit of weakness on my part but I'm pretty determined not to send more. They seem to have died down to a natural end for now since we've both established we're going to the same event. Part of me hopes he won't send me any more so that the situation remains acceptable for now...

 

 

So you're going to be at an event where you will see him - I hope his Gf will be there - or else, I sure do hope that you can be strong and not have any more weakness when it comes to him.

 

Also, instead of just sitting there and hoping, that he wont write to you anymore, while you're secretly wishing he would - one sure way to ensure that he can't message you is to defriend him or whatever - just don't be his fb friend at all.

 

Send 1 message that says you don't think you should even contact, and that its not personal, but you don't want to be "friends", and just defriend him.

 

I know its hard for you now, but if you keep talking to this guy, you will like him more and it will just get harder and possibly a lot messier.

[Ninjainpajamas]

"He told me that things are not good between him and his girlfriend (I know that all cheats say that...) but that he is not a cheat and is committed to her for now."

 

Thank you for at least acknowledging that...there aren't many guys who are going to come out and cheat even thought they'll cheat anyway.

 

They like that push and pull, play with fire type of situation. The chemistry appeared to be strong and genuine, however realize It's not laced in silver, it's laced in his GF's panties and If you were her you could imagine how hurt you would be IF you knew your BF was out somewhere till 4am chatting it up with some girl he met at a party.

 

Yes, yes, I know...but he was so nice, and charming, we got along so well, IF felt like we knew each other forever!...I can assure you that this does not meet the stars are aligning and angels will rejoice in song over your meeting...this is real life, these things happen, the fact that this was only your second experience does not mean something else...everything else would still need to play out, I know that's a hard concept to focus on when you're just gleefully smitten but it's the hard truth.

 

If this guy is so amazingly connected to you don't you think that's worth him breaking up with his GF over and being with you? Not that I think that means things would work, but at least you could have your summer fling without hurting someone else and involving yourself in unnecessary drama that never ends well.

 

Your contact with him over FB has the potential to progress, regardless of whether you guys want to call it just "friends" so that you can connect under the radar...It's obvious why you're talking and what will happen If it continues, you'll both catch more feelings...likely more on your end than his and then he'll have to sneak around his GF's back and before you know it you're meeting as "friends" but kissing because it "just happened".

 

Don't be a fool....this is what people mean by "just happened" this is the process, this is how men become cheaters and women enable them...It's hard to be strong but you're not doing yourself any favors If you keep your head in the clouds for this guy and start catching more feelings for him for only in the end he chooses his ex. History is a powerful influence, and his current GF is sure to guilt him into staying and convincing him that "I thought you loved me and what we had was special!"

 

Don't play with fire unless you want to get burned...you don't know this guy at all and who he is, you're just in lala land. In three weeks I'm sure he'll still have a GF, unless he BSes you about them having a break...or moans about how happy he is and how he wishes he could be with you instead...he's a big boy he can make the tough decision If he wanted to...otherwise you're just going to be the other girl and you're not really setting the bar or standard high If you're ok being with a cheater, because trust me, If he's willing to cheat on her he'd be willing to cheat on you just the same.

[reptilelover88]

Thanks so much for the great replies; I agree 100% with everything you've said and just need to be strong and do the right thing. Absolutely nothing is going to happen (not even being 'friends') while he is still with her and I have made that quite clear. That is definitely the best way to avoid getting hurt on all sides!

[RiverRunning]

So - you told him you don't want anything to do with him while he has a girlfriend, but you've friended him on Facebook and continue to talk with him? You're being complicit in his break-up. You will be an accomplice to whatever happens to her. And while you're surely smitten now, fast-forward 3 years when he's holding some other girl's hand, talking about how things aren't good between you and him, but he just wants to see her as 'friends.'

 

When you put that shoe on the other foot, it ain't so sweet. Pull back now. Block him and stop talking to him. He's not available. There are other fish. Always are and have been since the dawn of time, no matter how special and awesome he is.

[kaylan]

Ill echo whats been said before. Dont even be friends with this guy because he will try to use that to get into situations with you that he shouldnt be in. And if that happens, where does it leave you? Attached to a guy who would do the same thing to you in the future.

 

Just back away and have respect for others relationships. Good guys will appreciate a girl who can do that. Decent guys will look down upon a girl who lets herself be the other chick. So just keep that in mind when it comes to future guys. And most importantly, hold yourself to a high standard.

 

Good luck.