Difficult choice for tonight

[Taressa]

I'm hoping there will be some kind post-ers out there familiar with my story. My James (known on this site as billy the kid) has been dead for 5 months now. I'm doing okay but am in a very silly phase in which I get a crush on any man who shows me any kindness or attention.

 

I am not looking to enter a new relationship, my rollercoaster teenager-in-love emotions show me it's way too soon. My feelings still have to do completely with my James.

 

My immediate situation is this: one of my current huge crushes has been a very good man from church, Chris. I've trusted and admired him for years. Chris is a minister and has not been much of a friend these five months. That has hurt quite a bit but because he has been divorced only one year and because he has to be so careful of appearances in his job, I bought into the idea that he couldn't be much of a physical presence in helping me through this mourning period. Sadly, he wasn't much of a presence in any way - - physical, telephone, or even email.

 

Suddenly I've been told Chris is dating. I suppose if I were completely accepting of the fact that right now is not my time to be in a relationship this might not hurt quite so much. I suppose also that if Chris' choice in women were not a rich, blonde spoiled rich girl it might not hurt so much either. Either way, I'm feeling wounded that he has risked "appearances" to be with this woman but could not be a friend to me at this most desperate time of my life.

 

I realize that Chris' choice has in no way damaged my life or God's plans for my life. My immediate issue is that tonight I have been invited to a party with some dear old friends and have just found out that Chris is coming with his new girlfriend. At a strong time in life I could deal with this. I'm still not so strong emotionally, however, and don't know how to face them. I don't want to limit my already pitiful social life in fear of seeing Chris with this woman. I'm not sure inviting a date is the answer either; I don't trust myself enough to go on a date with any man. I'm not sure "no" is in my vocabulary as I'm trying to survive this loneliness without James.

 

I don't know if there is advice to be had but if anyone has any suggestions on surviving this night I would be very grateful. I can't bear the thought of staying home and missing the fun but I cannot imagine the hurt if my loneliness comes face to face with Chris and see him happy. I feel cast away and a little too alone.

 

Perhaps I just need to accept this lonely lifestyle until I'm stronger.

 

Thanks all,

billy the kid's Taressa

[msrealdoll]

Do you know in your heart that your crush on Chris comes just from your loneliness? If so, I would suggest going to the party, and practicing being strong and independent. Just treat him like a friend-pretend that you don't have a crush on him. Be kind to his date if he introduces you.

 

You're entering a very difficult phase in your life-integrating yourself into your social life after your huge loss. You are a different person now, and you have to learn how to act all over. Sometimes, being strong is just ignoring the emotions that make you weak, and going on anyway.

[Taressa]

Thanks msrealdoll (like your name).

 

No, I'm not sure my crush on Chris is just from the other emotions. I've loved him silenty for years. We had a special relationship; for four years I played under his direction in a small 5 piece band. For two years I was his staff writer to advertise special events. He has been present on the 2 worst days of my life (James' death and my rape 5 years ago).

 

He is a very good man, I thought, so I have written to him often on this sad mourning period to tell him what huge lessons I am learning. I've seen a God so kind it just blows me away. But I've bared my heart to Chris thinking he cares so very deeply and is keeping his distance to protect his reputation & mine.

 

So I was crushed when I first learned he was dating, then hurt when I learned who he was dating. I know the woman; she is nice enough but has no special qualities. She is not a deep person or a terribly caring person. It hurt me to know that Chris has not been a friend to me simply because he did not care to... apparently the guarding of his reputation was not so important that it kept him from befriending this woman. I bared myself to him and he tossed it away.

 

In my heart I'm supposing you're right: this is just another event and another emotion to conquer. It might hurt, it might not. It will be the first couples event which I've attended alone; that hurts by itself. Having to face Chris and deal with whatever hurt there is will be a little tough too. But the secret to surviving this with a gentle heart is the willingness to continue on and face whatever emotion the day's events bring.

 

Thank you for reminding me of the need to plod on.

[Taressa]

Oh... re-reading that note I feel I have to explain my statement.

 

Chris was married, unhappily so but still married. My feelings for him never went to the romantic; they never interfered with or even measured up to my love for James. James was my heart and soul. Chris was my much admired, much respected friend. I loved the high qualities Chris represented but James I loved more than myself.

[moimeme]

It hurt me to know that Chris has not been a friend to me simply because he did not care to

 

And this should be the beginning of the end of your feelings for Chris. He's not that great a guy if he bails when you need him, now is he?

she is nice enough but has no special qualities. She is not a deep person or a terribly caring person.

 

Why people choose other, lesser mortals over wonderful us mystifies me too But seriously, you deserve to be with someone who knows your worth enough to choose you over others. People make compromises for relationships, and maybe she has something else he really wants enough to do without a couple of those other things. So, on balance, he's not that insightful, either

 

I'm adding a little levity, but truly, you need to be with the man who will choose you above all others. If this Chris won't do that, then don't even mourn him; you'd not have been a good match anyway. Go to the party and celebrate dodging a bullet.