Step mother kicking me out (of home and family)

[Almond_Joy]

By the way.. sorry and hugs for what you have gone thru, I'm glad that you were able to get thru it, but walking away isn't always the best answer in every case.

Sometimes the best answer is to fight that demon or it will haunt you the rest of your life.

Walking away is certainly on the table though..

 

and thanks for sharing your story.. it must be hard to relive it while posting...

 

^^co-sign with all of this.

[pink_sugar]

I called the cops once. They showed up to find me in a corner in our neighbor's house crying. I had a huge knot on my temple and welts from my mid back down to my calves. They walked me back to my home and asked my mom why she did it and she told them it was because I had left a food wrapper and empty glass on the coffee table. They asked me if I wanted to go to the shelter but warned me I wouldn't like it there either. Then they left.

When I say you can only ring it once, it is in regards to her family. Its the most extreme action she has at her disposal. If her father bails his wife out rather than having to tell his other younger kids why mommy is in jail, she will be coming back to that house. OP needs to consider how likely it is her father will bail his wife out considering he had proof already and did basically nothing. If he bails her out, she will have no reason to wait for others to be gone to torment the open till she gets out. Why make her father show her exactly how empty his words are and get her own place?

 

You do have a point. My dad was on drugs once and he broke my chair because I didn't want to do the dishes (I never ate at home at that point and was never around) and threw an apple at me which did bruise my arm. Called the cops and they were only interested in my sex life with my boyfriend who was 6 years older.

[MuscleCarFan]

This woman is bat-***** crazy. You seriously need to to call the police next time she hits you and definitely play the recordings to your father again. He needs to get the picture that he married a crazy and toxic individual.

[Trimmer]

Gosh, this turned out long... Sorry!

 

Like UpwardForward, I can see both sides. Sally - you have a heart-wrenching and tragic story, and I'm so sorry - I weep for what you have endured. Without meaning to diminish your opinions, I can see where your perspective comes from, and why you want Clair to protect herself, even advising her to withdraw quietly from the family to protect against what you see as the likelihood of her father following in your own mother's footsteps, and essentially betraying Clair by siding with his spouse and failing to act in protection of his child.

 

Perhaps your experience can inform the OP's considerations... Clair, it may indeed come to pass that your father stays entrenched in his marriage and continues to deny the significance of the problem that exists. As absolutely tragic and heartbreaking as this would be, it is a possible outcome, as happened in Sally's case.

 

But on the other hand, Clair's dad is not Sally's mom, we don't know that the outcome will be the same, and Clair does not sound ready to give up yet. Her dad also does not sound like he is an abusive one as Sally's mom turned out to be (i.e. it doesn't seem that Clair risks physical injury in approaching her father one-on-one another time), and in spite of his initial tendency toward denial, if Clair has a feeling - a hope - that she can somehow connect with him, then I wouldn't talk her out of trying to ring that bell one more time.

 

I do agree that the likely best life for Clair in the long run is to leave, but the decision, for me, relates to how her relationship with her father will develop as time goes on. This echoes this comment from Turnera's post:

 

I would be caring most about my dad at this point.

Clair - don't fight the stepmom any more. I would suggest, don't even make a stand, don't swear at her, don't bait her, just keep your head down. You have all the proof, all the recordings that you should need.

 

At this point, the question is, what will your relationship with your father become? You have a choice of paths to take...

 

If you risk trying to connect with him under "the truth", you risk being badly hurt if he ends up not fully supporting you, instead siding with his wife. But if you do connect with him, then whatever happens, your relationship in the future is based on honesty and the truth. Potential risk, potential reward.

 

On the other path - if you keep your head low, don't stir the pot, leave as soon as practical, don't ask him to understand your side, and don't shake up his life (which is what I believe Sally is advising - apologies if I misunderstood) then could you live with that? This course is lower risk, but also lower reward. You are not as likely to get emotionally betrayed in the short run - because you're "letting it go" and not asking him to side with you - but you essentially forfeit a deeper relationship with your father by giving up on him to a degree. It also has the potential disadvantage that by maintaining the family status quo, your step mom continues to be able to make your life difficult on a sporadic basis when she can - if you were to go visit, etc., which she will probably try to make miserable so you will do it less and less.

 

So I see Sally's points, but I also completely understand and empathize with your desire to make that genuine connection with your father. I could understand either choice.

 

Whichever way you go I will reiterate my points from earlier: I strongly suggest that you do not antagonize or bait your stepmother any more, and that you withdraw whenever possible, instead of engaging with her. This may take more maturity on your part than your step mother is displaying, but please understand: refusing to engage her is not a sign of weakness or lack of "fight".

 

Your "fight" is for your relationship with your father, and that fight is not done against your step mother. All that is left that really matters to you - what you're fighting for - is your relationship with him. If you want to fight for that, if you are willing to accept the risk that he may deny the problem and not stand with you, then go to him again. Speak from the heart, understand that it will be a big shock for him to "come around" but tell him you are fighting for your soul and for your relationship with him.

 

And I do agree with the others here who say you'll probably need to consider a medium-term plan to move out and get going on your own. But even given that, I can understand you wanting to make that genuine connection with him, so he knows what is going on, and taking a chance that he will support and understand you.

 

A couple of scattered thoughts:

As far as calling the police and everything - please, for your own safety, just do everything you can to lower the temperature with your stepmom until you can move forward. This is not weakness or surrender; this is strategy. If you're going to approach your dad, then fight the good fight, on the front of connecting with him on a genuine, honest basis, and do it soon.

 

Even if he doesn't completely side with you, there's still the compromise course of asking him to facilitate you moving out. And don't give in to your stepmom's ridiculous insistence that you make it sound like it's your own idea, or that you don't want his financial support, when she's really the one trying to pull those strings... Again, you don't have to take this fight to her - why stir that pot? - but just make sure your dad knows the score.

 

I'm not particularly street-smart, but I've never heard the term "using" applied to anything but drugs. Even alcoholics, I don't think they call it "using" when they are drinking. I am willing to be corrected by anyone with better-informed experience, but I just noticed that I don't think this question from the OP had been answered yet. And that does make the whole thing just one notch even more weird - and scary - doesn't it?

 

Be a little careful with those recordings, especially that recording of stepmom and her sister. I am absolutely not going to criticize you for making it - I would probably have done the same thing. However, in the U.S., there are federal wiretapping laws that apply, along with recording laws that vary by state; depending on the state, you usually need to have the acknowledged permission of either one or all parties being recorded, or else it can be considered an illegal act.

 

Note, this means that in some states, you have to have the permission of ALL parties being recorded, so secretely recording YOUR interaction with stepmom could go either way, depending on the state. As for the conversation between stepmom and her sister, you didn't have even one participant's permission, so you could be on really shaky ground. In summary, you may feel safe playing it for your dad, but I wouldn't stick that in your stepmom's face; if she ever gets the idea to string you up for it, that's a place where she could possibly make it a bad hassle for you. Don't give her that ammunition. Some info here.

 

Now I don't want to turn this thread into a legal argument. I acknowledge that there are some exceptions to the federal statutes in cases where you weren't recording with the intent to perform a separate criminal act with the information. But for the stepmom/sister conversation, you still have the one-person-permission question, and blah blah blah. It's complex and potentially sticky.

 

Bottom line: don't give your stepmother any ammunition to use against you. Use the recordings to convince your father only - you need to convince HIM; don't waste your energy making a case to HER - and then hide them away and don't do anything else with them unless you get advice from a lawyer.

Edited June 2, 2012 by Trimmer

[Clair93]

Thank you everyone. So I told my dad that I need to meet him today after work. I'm gonna show him the new evidence.

 

 

Dear sally4sara,

Thanks for sharing your story. I exactly see what you mean, and I totally understand (probably better than anyone) what you've been through and why you're advising me to move out. But let me tell you what's gonna happen if I move out:

 

She will keep telling the kids (specially the 9 and 11 year old ones) how I abandoned them and how she begged me to stay and I didn't because I hated everyone. She will not invite me to family events and birthdays and parties, and if I show up she won't let me in the house and will tell everyone that she invited me and I didn't show up. She will not let me in the house if I visit (unless of course my dad is there and I directly call him, which is only very late at nights). And if she keeps doing that for some time she gets exactly what she wants, I'm out of the family.

 

If my ONLY problem was the abuse that I'm taking, I would have moved out. I don't have the means to do so but I'm sure that if I want to, my dad will help me. It's more than that, she wants me out of the family, out of everything. There are other issues too:

 

• Me moving out means she needs someone new to abuse. Well that can be either my brother or my dad and I can't just let them come into my place and be abused. That's selfish.
  

 

• She might not abuse my siblings now, but she is certainly not there for them emotionally (well, I guess she's just incapable of that). That's why they come to me when they need emotional support. Leaving them with her is again an act of selfishness.
  

 

• If she is using drugs in the same house that my dad and siblings live, I can't just pretend that I don't know that. This is something serious. Can I take some of her hair from her comb and take them to a lab for a tox screen or something like that? Is that legal?
  

 

I'm not looking for revenge, and I'm certainly not trying to become her. The way I see it moving out is an act of cowardliness and selfishness, and it might stop the abuse that I'm taking right now, but it won't solve anything else and in long term it will actually do more damage to me and others.

 

--

 

I think someone asked that whether my dad was abusive or not, well no not at all. My dad is actually very nice but as it was pointed out, a very busy man.

 

Someone also asked how my mom died, she died of cancer.

 

--

 

Thanks Trimmer for the wonderful post. I'm trying to stay low.

 

I did not know about the legal issues, the reason that I recorded their (her and her sister's) conversation was to listen to what they're gonna say about me and understand their plans, not going to the police with this. I'm gonna let my dad listen to this, he needs to know that the two of them together have been planning against me for a very long time. He also needs to know about the "using" thing.

 

 

I just want to thank everyone again for your amazing support Your help is giving me a lot of hope at the most difficult days of my life so far.

[NXS]

I've read your posts and must say that you're a very courageous young lady, I hope your father listens to you this time and takes appropriate action. Please let us know that everything is ok.

[pink_sugar]

Your situation very much sounds like my husband who's father died of cancer and then had to live with his mother (who was never emotionally there for him) and his step father who is very much like your step mother, only his mother is up his step father's a** so there was no winning that situation. The only thing he can do now is keep a distance from those toxic people. (Thankfully there are no other children involved) I hope that isn't the case with your dad. I hope he can see the light.

[pteromom]

Interested in an update. What did your dad say when you showed him the recordings?

[Clair93]

While Loveshack was down I felt lost with no support... I'm glad it's back online

 

I have good news. Things are better now.

 

So I showed everything to my dad, and he finally believed me. He was so upset that he couldn't stop his tears (that was the first time I saw him cry). Anyway, he also told me that she used to use drugs occasionally many years ago, but she him that she has stopped, and obviously she lied. My dad finally could see her for what she is.

 

So my dad and her had a fight, and my dad told her that if she wants to stay here, she had to stop seeing her sister. No more contact with her whatsoever. She's no longer welcome here. She needs to treat me like a princess If she even looks at me in a bad way I am to tell my dad. She also needs to get professional help for her issues.

 

Ever since we haven't had incidents really, she's pretty much kept to herself. I could still see the hate in her eyes and the look that "You're the one who ruined everything".

 

I'm staying low now, giving her no reason to start a fight. But I am as always, prepared to record in case something happened. I'm sure she can't just stop, and she'll eventually start something. She is also sleeping alone in the guest room ever since, at nights she is having discussions/arguments/fights with my dad.

[pteromom]

I am so glad your dad is supporting and believing you!

 

KEEP talking to him. This is really really important.

 

And watch out. I don't know what this woman is capable of.

[Trimmer]

Clair, I'm so glad you've built a connection with your dad. How are your half-sibs doing? Remember that this may be a rough time for them. (I'm not saying that to put responsibility on your shoulders - this whole atmosphere was created by your step mother.) But they may need help through this as well. I hope things continue in a positive direction. Best of luck!

[Clair93]

Thank you pteromom and Trimmer.

 

The other kids are doing fine, she was never there for them emotionally. I understand that this might be tough for them, I'm always there for them. Now that she's not all over me I can actually spend more time with them.

[whichwayisup]

While Loveshack was down I felt lost with no support... I'm glad it's back online

 

I have good news. Things are better now.

 

So I showed everything to my dad, and he finally believed me. He was so upset that he couldn't stop his tears (that was the first time I saw him cry). Anyway, he also told me that she used to use drugs occasionally many years ago, but she him that she has stopped, and obviously she lied. My dad finally could see her for what she is.

 

So my dad and her had a fight, and my dad told her that if she wants to stay here, she had to stop seeing her sister. No more contact with her whatsoever. She's no longer welcome here. She needs to treat me like a princess If she even looks at me in a bad way I am to tell my dad. She also needs to get professional help for her issues.

 

Ever since we haven't had incidents really, she's pretty much kept to herself. I could still see the hate in her eyes and the look that "You're the one who ruined everything".

 

I'm staying low now, giving her no reason to start a fight. But I am as always, prepared to record in case something happened. I'm sure she can't just stop, and she'll eventually start something. She is also sleeping alone in the guest room ever since, at nights she is having discussions/arguments/fights with my dad.

 

Yes, keep the peace..keep your head down and don't push her buttons at all. IF she is mean to you, walk away. Don't say a word.

 

She's in blame mode right now and until she gets help, she'll continue to blame you.

 

She's DAMN lucky your dad didn't kick her out of the house! I hope for her sake she does do counselling.. If she doesn't and refuses to, your dad is going to have to make a tough decision.

[Art_Critic]

Clair, I'm so glad you've built a connection with your dad. How are your half-sibs doing? Remember that this may be a rough time for them. (I'm not saying that to put responsibility on your shoulders - this whole atmosphere was created by your step mother.) But they may need help through this as well. I hope things continue in a positive direction. Best of luck!

 

Yes.. great post Trimmer..

 

Claire.. When I read your update I got goose bumps.. the good kind, and I thought what Trimmer posted.

[turnera]

Please don't let your guard down. Your dad was her salvation, and YOU are the one thing keeping her from it. My dad was married to the same woman and she is a DEVIL! Please trust me - she WILL get back at you. Keep the recorder on you at all times. Do NOT be alone with her.

[UpwardForward]

Please don't let your guard down. Your dad was her salvation, and YOU are the one thing keeping her from it. My dad was married to the same woman and she is a DEVIL! Please trust me - she WILL get back at you. Keep the recorder on you at all times. Do NOT be alone with her.

 

Not only her salvation, but he has probably kept her very well, and from having to work a job.

 

Right now she's in pout-mode, as she probably doesn't have a plan yet.

 

I do wish Clair, that you could at least have a lock on your bedroom door. Less chance of her being able to demolish You - and your equipment!

Edited June 7, 2012 by UpwardForward

[darkmoon]

sorry but she does have a plan; that's what this thread is about, it's already in motion - the plan is to make OP's life a misery so OP leaves,

 

i think the longer OP hangs on doing nothin, the more out-of-date the tapes are getting but yes to a lock on the door

 

has step-mom been like this before when trying to conquer other foes? a secret police conviction for violence, or similar warped behaviour? these ppl often do - am sixty have seen it nuff times,

 

one thing -

 

do you bring your young - probably in better shape than step-mom - female friends home, it might be what step cannot admit to cuz, yes, they probably are cuter,

 

not that all older ppl do this but plenty do

Edited June 7, 2012 by darkmoon

[MuscleCarFan]

While Loveshack was down I felt lost with no support... I'm glad it's back online

 

I have good news. Things are better now.

 

So I showed everything to my dad, and he finally believed me. He was so upset that he couldn't stop his tears (that was the first time I saw him cry). Anyway, he also told me that she used to use drugs occasionally many years ago, but she him that she has stopped, and obviously she lied. My dad finally could see her for what she is.

 

So my dad and her had a fight, and my dad told her that if she wants to stay here, she had to stop seeing her sister. No more contact with her whatsoever. She's no longer welcome here. She needs to treat me like a princess If she even looks at me in a bad way I am to tell my dad. She also needs to get professional help for her issues.

 

Ever since we haven't had incidents really, she's pretty much kept to herself. I could still see the hate in her eyes and the look that "You're the one who ruined everything".

 

I'm staying low now, giving her no reason to start a fight. But I am as always, prepared to record in case something happened. I'm sure she can't just stop, and she'll eventually start something. She is also sleeping alone in the guest room ever since, at nights she is having discussions/arguments/fights with my dad.

 

I, for one, am glad to hear your Dad believes. I am surprised he hasn't divorced the woman!

[FitChick]

It would be great if she asked for a divorce, deciding to take the money and run. More money for drugs. With her history of drug use and violence, your dad would get custody.

 

I still would be very careful around her. Do you have access to her computer? Check her browsing history. She and her sister may plan an "accident" for you or look up untraceable poisons. Even hire a hitman. She sounds crazy enough. If she killed your dad, she'd get the kids and the money and the power to kick you out.

 

Too bad you couldn't find out her drug of choice and then leave some around to tempt her or for your dad to find. Yes, it's terrible but if it got rid of her, so much the better.

 

Just think, if she had opened her arms to you when you were a little, innocent girl who had just lost her mother, you could have been one big happy family. Very sad.

[Trimmer]

In general terms, I agree with FitChick about being very careful around her.

 

But I think the following is outrageously bad advice, and I would hope the OP is sensible enough to see that straight away:

Too bad you couldn't find out her drug of choice and then leave some around to tempt her or for your dad to find. Yes, it's terrible but if it got rid of her, so much the better.

Which imaginary television cop show do you think the OP lives inside of? Suggesting that she go out and procure drugs sufficiently illegal to get her step-mom taken away, plant them, then drop a dime on her?

 

Gee, what could possibly go wrong with that plan?

[UpwardForward]

You guys are funny. Last two posts making me see some humor. ha

[Clair93]

Hi again.

 

Just an update... Things are going in the same way. She is kept to herself, staying low, doing nothing. Probably planning something. She's broken, I'm worried that she might be planning something really nasty.

 

By the way I do have a lock on my door

 

Too bad you couldn't find out her drug of choice and then leave some around to tempt her or for your dad to find. Yes, it's terrible but if it got rid of her, so much the better.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

[pink_sugar]

Did you show or tell your father about her breaking your things?

[whichwayisup]

Hi again.

 

Just an update... Things are going in the same way. She is kept to herself, staying low, doing nothing. Probably planning something. She's broken, I'm worried that she might be planning something really nasty.

 

By the way I do have a lock on my door

 

 

Clair, talk to your father about her, your concerns now that you have and that you're scared.

 

Has your dad put his foot down and demanded she seek counselling? Anger management? Brought her to the dr to be checked out? This is very serious and she has some mental health issues.

 

Do your best not to be home alone with her.

[Clair93]

Did you show or tell your father about her breaking your things?

 

Yes I did.

 

Clair, talk to your father about her, your concerns now that you have and that you're scared.

 

Has your dad put his foot down and demanded she seek counselling? Anger management? Brought her to the dr to be checked out? This is very serious and she has some mental health issues.

 

Do your best not to be home alone with her.

 

Oh yeah she's getting all sorts of counseling... That was one of the conditions that my dad let her stay. Thanks, I'll talk to him about the concerns.