Step mother kicking me out (of home and family)

[pteromom]

As I said before, unless you have concrete reasons to think your other siblings or your father are in jeopardy, your main priority should be entering your adult life and not having to deal with this woman anymore. Otherwise you're seeking revenge and believe me - it is not the path to being happier and will hurt the rest of your family in the process. Don't become HER.

 

If you have your own money I have to wonder why you're not just moving out and away from her. Pushing this to some other end will have only two results:

 

You "win" and the rest of your family is turned upside down and divided. Do you want your other siblings and your dad to hurt because you got hurt?

 

OR

 

You lose and I do mean lose big time. You find your dad will not stand with you and you will spend the rest of your life wondering if his unwillingness to stand with you against her is indicative of how he always felt about you and that THAT somehow goaded her to the way she treats you. Then you will really be alone.

 

I don't agree with this. Unless OP wants to be divided from her family for the rest of her life, she needs to do something NOW. Otherwise, she'll be putting up with insults and abuse every Christmas and Easter and visit back home. And when she brings a husband and kids back to meet their grandfather, her kids will get to hear horrible insults about their mother and grandmother.

 

PLUS - this woman obviously has major issues. If OP leaves home, taking the outlet for the woman's rage with her, she will find someone else to turn her rage to - likely one of the other children. People like this need someone to vilify.

[Art_Critic]

claire.. at this point you either leave or involve your Dad and show him the recordings..

You have enough to sway him and get his help in the matter.

 

I suggest you tell show your Dad the new information.

If you don't then your should leave.

 

You sound like you are living in hell and I hope something bad doesn't happen to you.

[Art_Critic]

I have enough stuff to go to my dad again. I have tapes of she hitting me, insulting me, strategically planning with her sister against me, threatening to kill me, and many more.

 

So, here's what I think I should do: go to my dad with all the new evidence and see what he does. I don't think she can do her crying game anymore as there is much more than enough evidence that show her true colors. But I'm still afraid that he can't see the truth... I'm confused.

 

Show him..

[FryFish]

Dont listen to sally... Go to your dad right away and tell him you are ALSO going to the police about this as soon as you are done talking to him... Then go to the police. This bitch is BAD for everyone she is around...

[UpwardForward]

Of course I'm in agreement that you must play all recordings for your father asap.

 

No private detective, unless others want to pay for him/her.

 

If this becomes a police matter, and I agree it should - the system would probably recommend your leaving the household, IMO.

 

So I would say that you expose her as much as possible, while making plans to relocate.

 

Your father is not around to referee, and she is a determined woman, out of her mind.

[UpwardForward]

Forgive me for asking this, but when I read your last post - it made me want to ask you: How did your mother die?

[SpiralOut]

What an angry, hateful woman you live with.

 

I agree that you should show the recordings to your father and to the police. I think you were smart to take advantage of the fact that she thinks you can't record anything.

[sally4sara]

By moving on with her life this all will stop and never have to move on to World War III. It doesn't mean she stops seeing her father or siblings. It just means that her step mother won't be able to zero in on her if they are never alone anymore. Why would anyone want to be alone with this woman if they didn't have to and had the means to claim a place nearby as their own? Her step mom can't hide holidays from her; we all have calenders. She knows where they live.

 

Why make her dad choose something that no matter which way it goes it will be painful to those who did nothing to the OP? One day they will all be out from under their mother's roof and can have adult familial bonds beyond her reach. Relationships that will outlive this petty bitch. If it has to get ugly, let the step mom be ugly in front of others because there is no good reason for an 18 year old with the means to have her own place to stay in this situation. To do what? Witness a divorce and her siblings dealing with it because she wants to tussle with her step mom for a year or two more? This has been going on for how long? And no one noticed till she made them listen to a recording? How can that even happen?

[SpiralOut]

By moving on with her life this all will stop and never have to move on to World War III. It doesn't mean she stops seeing her father or siblings. It just means that her step mother won't be able to zero in on her if they are never alone anymore. Why would anyone want to be alone with this woman if they didn't have to and had the means to claim a place nearby as their own? Her step mom can't hide holidays from her; we all have calenders. She knows where they live.

 

Why make her dad choose something that no matter which way it goes it will be painful to those who did nothing to the OP? One day they will all be out from under their mother's roof and can have adult familial bonds beyond her reach. Relationships that will outlive this petty bitch. If it has to get ugly, let the step mom be ugly in front of others because there is no good reason for an 18 year old with the means to have her own place to stay in this situation. To do what? Witness a divorce and her siblings dealing with it because she wants to tussle with her step mom for a year or two more? This has been going on for how long? And no one noticed till she made them listen to a recording? How can that even happen?

 

You don't know for sure that this will break up the family.

 

This young woman has been abused by her step-mother for years and you are advocating that she keep her mouth shut, move on with her life, and pretend it didn't happen so that everyone else can be happy.

 

She is finally standing up for herself now that she has the maturity and insight to do something about her situation. You wonder why she didn't do this before. Well she was a child before! Do you think it is easy for a child to stand up to an abusive family member?

 

And why are you so worried about other people in the family being hurt by this? What about the hurt the OP has endured? That doesn't matter? Just ignore it?

 

If the family gets broken up from this it is the step-mother's fault for behaving so atrociously. It is NOT the OP's fault.

 

You are blaming the victim.

Edited June 1, 2012 by SpiralOut

[pteromom]

I agree 100% with Spiral Out.

 

She would be doing her dad a FAVOR to break up this family, whether he realizes it or not.

 

Sometimes families SHOULDN'T stay together. Abuse is one of those reasons.

[Almond_Joy]

By moving on with her life this all will stop and never have to move on to World War III. It doesn't mean she stops seeing her father or siblings. It just means that her step mother won't be able to zero in on her if they are never alone anymore. Why would anyone want to be alone with this woman if they didn't have to and had the means to claim a place nearby as their own? Her step mom can't hide holidays from her; we all have calenders. She knows where they live.

 

Why make her dad choose something that no matter which way it goes it will be painful to those who did nothing to the OP? One day they will all be out from under their mother's roof and can have adult familial bonds beyond her reach. Relationships that will outlive this petty bitch. If it has to get ugly, let the step mom be ugly in front of others because there is no good reason for an 18 year old with the means to have her own place to stay in this situation. To do what? Witness a divorce and her siblings dealing with it because she wants to tussle with her step mom for a year or two more? This has been going on for how long? And no one noticed till she made them listen to a recording? How can that even happen?

 

It seems to me that Clair's staying for a lot of the reasons pteromom listed.

 

Clair just walking away from this situation will not solve it. Clair will be left without any family if she doesn't try to put a stop to this.

 

Yes, Clair can move out and not be physically and verbally abused for now. But what about the future? What happens when she comes home to visit, or wants to introduce a boyfriend to the family? What about family vacations or special events in the lives of her siblings? Is she supposed to walk away from all that, or spend the rest of her life trying to make sure her and the wife are never alone?

 

This woman is Clair's father's wife. Her and Clair's father made an agreement to be together for life. This wife, no matter how horrible a person she is, isn't going to disappear or fade into the background if Clair chooses to try and continue turning the other cheek. Clair's as much a part of the family as any of her step-siblings or the wife. She deserves the same love and respect that the other family members get.

[UpwardForward]

Clair, she told you to get a loan and move out.

 

I'm all for exposing her, because I think we are here is to try to make this a better world, incl stop (or slow down) the tyrants, etc.

 

But, do you have the means to live on your own when you go to college?

[Almond_Joy]

Thank you everyone for your support I'm sorry that I have been out of reach, but it wasn't my fault. She cut my laptop's charging cord !!!!!! I visited here to read your posts on my phone but it was difficult to post something. Now I bought a new one. So:

 

First, I bought a sound recorder and carry it with me at all times to record any conversation that I have with her. So for the past few days I've recorded everything.

 

Second, I have not yet showed the new tapes and sound recordings to my dad, not yet.

 

Third, the fights continue. She keeps insulting, threatening and annoying me. Things are getting worse every day. Here is how it's going:

 

The day after my previous update, I went out and bought a very small sound recorder. The same day she told me that her sister is visiting in the afternoon and she doesn't want me to be there when she comes. Her sister is as much of a beast as she is, if not worse. She's also been harassing me and insulting my mom forever. I know that I was the subject of discussion, so I told her that I'd gladly be as far away from her as possible. So I went to the room that they were gonna sit down (they always sit there when they talk about private stuff) and placed the recorder somewhere hidden, and went out. I came back late at night and she was gone, so I took the recorder and listened to their discussion, I had most of it and obviously it was about me.

 

Every single time that they referred to me, it came with an insult to either me or my mom. It sounded like they were both planning this for a very long time. She told her sister what I did and the sister said she didn't expect me (the phrase: a bastard girl) to react this way, and they had to be careful. The sister told her that she should not hit me since I can go to police and they should make it more mental. That was the main point of their discussion. Ever since she has not hit me (except once, that I'll explain).

 

There was something else there, the sister asked her "Have you done any of those things [things that she did to me] while using?", and she said: "No". Does this mean drugs? She certainly doesn't look the type to do drugs. She might have meant alcohol. Any idea?

 

So, she keeps insulting me constantly (and I keep recording them!), she is making it difficult for me to live there, I had a picture of my mom in my room, she took that and placed a note there "Dead Bitch". She stole my diary. She cut the power cord of my laptop, she destroyed some of my favorite clothes, and some similar stuff. She tells me that I cannot eat what she cooks, and I should not join the family for dinners (by choice of course, so she wants everyone including my dad to think I don't want to be there). I have also recorded she telling me these things.

 

When she did that to my mom's photo, I was extremely angry. so I want to her (with the recorder turned on, of course) and said:

 

Me: Why the **** you did that?

Her: Isn't that the truth, you tell me is she not a dead bitch?

Me: Dead maybe, but nowhere near as bitch as you are.

Her: Watch your tone bastard!

Me: You really seem to love the kids seeing a tape they're not supposed to see.

Her: [she garbed my neck and pushed me towards the wall, while being extremely angry] You do that and I swear I'll kill you and you'll see your mama bitch soon and I'll make it look like it was suicide.

Me: [i spit on her face]

 

And she hit the back of my head to the wall really hard. I was dizzy for a few minutes, but she also threatened me more and left. I have that recorded.

 

 

I have enough stuff to go to my dad again. I have tapes of she hitting me, insulting me, strategically planning with her sister against me, threatening to kill me, and many more.

 

So, here's what I think I should do: go to my dad with all the new evidence and see what he does. I don't think she can do her crying game anymore as there is much more than enough evidence that show her true colors. But I'm still afraid that he can't see the truth... I'm confused.

 

BUT I see someone mentioned that she might hire a private investigator, well, can I do that? I know it costs but I have access to money as my dad did some investments in my name last year and profit is being sent to my bank account (of course, she doesn't know or she would have brought that up). It can also figure out if that weird conversation was related to drugs or not.

 

I don't want to involve the police as that's bad for the other kids.

 

Also - wow, Clair. Hats off to you for fighting for what you want and deserve.

 

Please keep your dad involved, now that you've brought this to light, every step of the way from here on out. I'd hazard to guess that this is not what he signed up for when he brought you into his home to care for you. And I can't imagine what your step-mother's telling her kids about you.

 

Your dad's wife has some major problems. What she's doing to you sounds like exhibition of a deep seeded hatred. No matter how much she may love her biological children, this kind of intolerance is toxic. I can't imagine that your siblings have never seen her abuse you, and if the teenage son is on your side I think it's a sign that he knows his mother is capable of that.

 

Your dad and step-brother sound like they love you and want you very much to be a loved and respected family member. It's very encouraging that they are willing to stand up for you.

 

I hope that your dad can get his wife to stop this. If not, police intervention sounds like a much needed option to utilize.

 

Please keep us posted, and good luck and strength to you.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you everyone for your support I'm sorry that I have been out of reach, but it wasn't my fault. She cut my laptop's charging cord !!!!!! I visited here to read your posts on my phone but it was difficult to post something. Now I bought a new one. So:

 

First, I bought a sound recorder and carry it with me at all times to record any conversation that I have with her. So for the past few days I've recorded everything.

 

Second, I have not yet showed the new tapes and sound recordings to my dad, not yet.

 

Third, the fights continue. She keeps insulting, threatening and annoying me. Things are getting worse every day. Here is how it's going:

 

The day after my previous update, I went out and bought a very small sound recorder. The same day she told me that her sister is visiting in the afternoon and she doesn't want me to be there when she comes. Her sister is as much of a beast as she is, if not worse. She's also been harassing me and insulting my mom forever. I know that I was the subject of discussion, so I told her that I'd gladly be as far away from her as possible. So I went to the room that they were gonna sit down (they always sit there when they talk about private stuff) and placed the recorder somewhere hidden, and went out. I came back late at night and she was gone, so I took the recorder and listened to their discussion, I had most of it and obviously it was about me.

 

Every single time that they referred to me, it came with an insult to either me or my mom. It sounded like they were both planning this for a very long time. She told her sister what I did and the sister said she didn't expect me (the phrase: a bastard girl) to react this way, and they had to be careful. The sister told her that she should not hit me since I can go to police and they should make it more mental. That was the main point of their discussion. Ever since she has not hit me (except once, that I'll explain).

 

There was something else there, the sister asked her "Have you done any of those things [things that she did to me] while using?", and she said: "No". Does this mean drugs? She certainly doesn't look the type to do drugs. She might have meant alcohol. Any idea?

 

So, she keeps insulting me constantly (and I keep recording them!), she is making it difficult for me to live there, I had a picture of my mom in my room, she took that and placed a note there "Dead Bitch". She stole my diary. She cut the power cord of my laptop, she destroyed some of my favorite clothes, and some similar stuff. She tells me that I cannot eat what she cooks, and I should not join the family for dinners (by choice of course, so she wants everyone including my dad to think I don't want to be there). I have also recorded she telling me these things.

 

When she did that to my mom's photo, I was extremely angry. so I want to her (with the recorder turned on, of course) and said:

 

Me: Why the **** you did that?

Her: Isn't that the truth, you tell me is she not a dead bitch?

Me: Dead maybe, but nowhere near as bitch as you are.

Her: Watch your tone bastard!

Me: You really seem to love the kids seeing a tape they're not supposed to see.

Her: [she garbed my neck and pushed me towards the wall, while being extremely angry] You do that and I swear I'll kill you and you'll see your mama bitch soon and I'll make it look like it was suicide.

Me: [i spit on her face]

 

And she hit the back of my head to the wall really hard. I was dizzy for a few minutes, but she also threatened me more and left. I have that recorded.

 

 

I have enough stuff to go to my dad again. I have tapes of she hitting me, insulting me, strategically planning with her sister against me, threatening to kill me, and many more.

 

So, here's what I think I should do: go to my dad with all the new evidence and see what he does. I don't think she can do her crying game anymore as there is much more than enough evidence that show her true colors. But I'm still afraid that he can't see the truth... I'm confused.

 

BUT I see someone mentioned that she might hire a private investigator, well, can I do that? I know it costs but I have access to money as my dad did some investments in my name last year and profit is being sent to my bank account (of course, she doesn't know or she would have brought that up). It can also figure out if that weird conversation was related to drugs or not.

 

I don't want to involve the police as that's bad for the other kids.

 

No it isn't bad for the other kids because eventually this anger and mental illness of hers will get worse and SHE WILL take it out on the other kids. Especially if you move out.. People like that just don't stop that behaviour all of a sudden. SHE IS EVIL and so is her sister.

 

YOU have to get the police involved!!!!! I'm sitting here shaking while reading your situation, I'm scared for you, I'm angry for you, I'm hurt for you because I cannot believe how awful and CRUEL this woman is. And her sister is egging her on to make things worse.

 

Your dad HAS to see all this evidence and see that SHE needs help asap.

 

Your well being, sanity and safety is at risk. This is only going to get worse if you don't call the cops. Forget the PI, 911 is the answer now.

[darkmoon]

go the police first OR your dad first - which one?

[sally4sara]

You don't know for sure that this will break up the family.

 

This young woman has been abused by her step-mother for years and you are advocating that she keep her mouth shut, move on with her life, and pretend it didn't happen so that everyone else can be happy.

 

She can't pretend it never happened - she already played one tape for her dad and oldest sibling and guess what happened? Her father left her alone with her step mom again. I'm a mother; I would never do that to my kid! I have to figure if her father was the type to do something about all this, he would've done it then. He didn't. So she should stay anyway to make more recordings for him to ignore? Or play it for the cops? You can only ring that bell once. She will have to press charges and make them stick while living with the kids this woman has had with her father. Her father - the guy who will be where the money for her step mother's defense case will come from. Think about it people. She already has had a ****ty time of it. There will be no happier ending here than her getting her own place and never being alone with this woman again.

 

She is finally standing up for herself now that she has the maturity and insight to do something about her situation. You wonder why she didn't do this before. Well she was a child before! Do you think it is easy for a child to stand up to an abusive family member?

 

No. I was an abused child by my step father. And my mother ignored it for years. Then I told and still nothing happened till he took off on his own. THEN she divorced him. Do you know what it was like knowing it took her pride being wounded for her to get rid of him rather than to protect me? Then she took it out on me with abuse for the remaining years till I ran away. Now I have no family. Not even my step brother.

 

And why are you so worried about other people in the family being hurt by this? What about the hurt the OP has endured? That doesn't matter? Just ignore it?

 

It only gets better when you move on with your life. One day you notice you've stopped jumping when you hear a door slam. You're no longer locking your bedroom door and then checking to make sure its locked 10 minutes later. You're in your own place and you have control over who gets to be around you. Not caring how your actions will weigh on the rest of your family required you act just like the person abusing you. The step mother clearly doesn't care if it hurts her husband or other kids if this all blows up or they keep letting her get away with it and have to live with knowing they did nothing to help the OP.

 

If the family gets broken up from this it is the step-mother's fault for behaving so atrociously. It is NOT the OP's fault.

 

You are blaming the victim.

 

Speaking as a former victim, seeking revenge only drags out being the victim for longer and in the end, you too are a bad guy too to other younger family members for dragging it out. You stop being a victim by changing your circumstances for yourself.

[FryFish]

You can only ring that bell once.

Simply NOT true... And as a guy, I can vouch for the fact that we are dense sometimes.

[ladyabstrused]

I see where sally4sara is coming from. I also see where the other side is coming from. I personally think Clair should expose those tapes even the latest ones. I think Clair has the option to choose from which angle she wants to deal with this...if she is up for the fight, she's up for the fight and go with most of the posters here. If Clair feels that it's not worth going the extra mile just to end up being a possible victim, then she will not do that.

 

Everyone has a point here. It's all relevant. Clair needs to expose the truth, it's for the benefit of everyone to know. Her dad shouldn't be kept in the dark about this because this is his woman and she is his daughter. Whether he reacts to it appropriately or not..is a whole other story. This is doing the right thing, the effects do come to play sure, but it all depends on Clair, would she rather expose her stepmom and risk the possibility of a broken up family, fighting for what's right and knowing that she did do something about it, or would she rather just move on with life, abandon this issue and let her dad live with a monster whom they all knew of now and always will come face to face with this issue when she goes visit or who knows, the stepmom could just cut everything out of Clair's life once she leaves to live on her own.

 

Stepmom seems really evil. Anything can happen really.

[whichwayisup]

Exposing the tapes or going to the police is NOT revenge! It's saving her life and possibly future physical/emotional abuse to her half siblings.

 

The father HAS to get his heart out of this and use his head. See the evidence and do what is right, even though it WILL kill him inside as this is the woman he loves and married, has children with, he has to stand up and get his wife help. Whether that be a 3 day visit in the hospital to be assessed or a night in jail.. Something has to happen.

[turnera]

I would be caring most about my dad at this point. My dad married the Bitch from Hell, too, and she ruined all our lives. I was too chicken to tell him. Please don't do the same. Show him the tapes. If he doesn't divorce her (and he may not), do it FOR him and take it to the police.

[sally4sara]

I called the cops once. They showed up to find me in a corner in our neighbor's house crying. I had a huge knot on my temple and welts from my mid back down to my calves. They walked me back to my home and asked my mom why she did it and she told them it was because I had left a food wrapper and empty glass on the coffee table. They asked me if I wanted to go to the shelter but warned me I wouldn't like it there either. Then they left.

When I say you can only ring it once, it is in regards to her family. Its the most extreme action she has at her disposal. If her father bails his wife out rather than having to tell his other younger kids why mommy is in jail, she will be coming back to that house. OP needs to consider how likely it is her father will bail his wife out considering he had proof already and did basically nothing. If he bails her out, she will have no reason to wait for others to be gone to torment the open till she gets out. Why make her father show her exactly how empty his words are and get her own place?

[SpiralOut]

 

 

 

It only gets better when you move on with your life. One day you notice you've stopped jumping when you hear a door slam. You're no longer locking your bedroom door and then checking to make sure its locked 10 minutes later. You're in your own place and you have control over who gets to be around you. Not caring how your actions will weigh on the rest of your family required you act just like the person abusing you. The step mother clearly doesn't care if it hurts her husband or other kids if this all blows up or they keep letting her get away with it and have to live with knowing they did nothing to help the OP.

 

 

 

Speaking as a former victim, seeking revenge only drags out being the victim for longer and in the end, you too are a bad guy too to other younger family members for dragging it out. You stop being a victim by changing your circumstances for yourself.

 

I see what you mean, and I agree the OP should change her circumstances. Of course she cannot continue to live there as things are. But I don't see what is so wrong about exposing the tapes if that's what she wants to do. She seems very determined to bring this into the open and the main issue I had with your post was the way you were trying to discourage her from doing that.

 

If she is able to move out now, there is always the option to do that AND still show the recordings to people.

 

And, I am sorry that your family didn't do anything to help you. But this woman's family is not the same as yours; there is no way to know for sure if it will be the same for her as it was for you unless she gives it a try (if that's what she wants to do).

Edited June 2, 2012 by SpiralOut

[turnera]

As I've said before, never underestimate a MAN's need to have a wife. My dad kept a wife who literally ruined our lives, just to have someone to take care of him. He apologized on his deathbed, saying he NEEDED her there, to take care of him.

[Art_Critic]

I called the cops once. They showed up to find me in a corner in our neighbor's house crying. I had a huge knot on my temple and welts from my mid back down to my calves. They walked me back to my home and asked my mom why she did it and she told them it was because I had left a food wrapper and empty glass on the coffee table. They asked me if I wanted to go to the shelter but warned me I wouldn't like it there either. Then they left.

 

That wouldn't happen that way in the state I live in..

We have Domestic Violence Laws and your Mom would have been arrested immediately without the ability for the officers to walk away..

 

A huge knot on your head is direct evidence of domestic violence.

 

Here the officers are allowed to swear out the warrants and arrest someone without anybody in the household pressing charges.

 

By the way.. sorry and hugs for what you have gone thru, I'm glad that you were able to get thru it, but walking away isn't always the best answer in every case.

Sometimes the best answer is to fight that demon or it will haunt you the rest of your life.

Walking away is certainly on the table though..

 

and thanks for sharing your story.. it must be hard to relive it while posting...

[UpwardForward]

I too can see both sides.

 

I feel as others do, your father's further discovery must be done. I can't imagine him leaving her though.

 

I would think the police may detain her if you press charges. All of that would be temporal. Then they would probably ask you if you have anywhere else to go. I have heard when there's abuse in the home, they remove the children.*

 

Have an alternate option Clair. I would be prepared to make other living arrangements once your father has been briefed again.

 

As long as you are left alone in the house with her, things are not going to change. And your father appears to be a busy man.

 

*how am I wrong?