pink_sugar Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I know this is hard for your family, but I'm sure your siblings see this side of her too and I hope for all of you that your dad will eventually leave her. She's got serious mental problems and will never change. Have you thought about blocking her email? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Make sure you tell EVERYONE you know what has happened. People like her usually turn you into the devil incarnate in their minds, and she will likely try to find a way to attack you. Ask everyone to keep an eye out for her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Hi everyone. Thanks for your wonderful comments. Yesterday she told my dad that I had lost my temper and broke my own laptop. Well, of course I recorded that conversation which she said it was an accident. Last night she was very drunk, she started shouting midnight in the living room (of course, they were all insults to me and my mother) which woke us up (me, my brother and dad). Then when we came downstairs she continued her insults and threads and wanted to attack me (yeah, in front of everyone). Alright, she is leaving for some time. She will be staying with her parents. She sent me an email a few hours ago telling me how I ruined her life, how I ruined my father's marriage and how my siblings will pay for my selfishness. She tells me that if I had left everything would have been alright for everyone. This was the first conversation of our life that was more than a few sentences and did not have a reference to my mother. She's trying to make me feel guilty. I forwarded the email to my dad, he immediately replied that I should not listen to her nonsense. She needs to have herself hauled off to the looney bin for an assessment. Your dad has that power to do that, so PLEASE, ask him to do this. Your life is in danger and he has to understand how serious this is. To tell you 'not to listen to her nonsense' is easy to say, but when you hear it and the fact she truly believes what she is saying, does damage to you, reguardless if you believe her or not. IT IS HURTFUL to hear! Your dad also needs to tell HER parents what is going on so they can also help with her recovery, get her counsellin and a mental assessment. ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Yes, Continue your vigil Clair. I don't know where her family lives, but she can still make return trips to the home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clair93 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 They live across town, one hour away. My dad talked to her parents about everything. She is getting mental assessment and counseling, dad told me. I think I can have a nice sleep tonight without having to keep one eye open. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 They live across town, one hour away. My dad talked to her parents about everything. She is getting mental assessment and counseling, dad told me. I think I can have a nice sleep tonight without having to keep one eye open. God bless you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I'll bet your dad's relieved, too. I can imagine it hasn't been the easiest marriage. There's a lady on trial here who was a mistress who tried to kill the husband's wife - four times! Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Hi everyone. Thanks for your wonderful comments. Yesterday she told my dad that I had lost my temper and broke my own laptop. Well, of course I recorded that conversation which she said it was an accident. Last night she was very drunk, she started shouting midnight in the living room (of course, they were all insults to me and my mother) which woke us up (me, my brother and dad). Then when we came downstairs she continued her insults and threads and wanted to attack me (yeah, in front of everyone). Alright, she is leaving for some time. She will be staying with her parents. She sent me an email a few hours ago telling me how I ruined her life, how I ruined my father's marriage and how my siblings will pay for my selfishness. She tells me that if I had left everything would have been alright for everyone. This was the first conversation of our life that was more than a few sentences and did not have a reference to my mother. She's trying to make me feel guilty. I forwarded the email to my dad, he immediately replied that I should not listen to her nonsense. I hope your Dad divorces her. She has brought this upon herself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 I hope your Dad divorces her. She has brought this upon herself. DIvorce can happen later. First with all the evidence between the recordings and emails, freakout in front of the whole family so late night, first thing is first - Getting this crazy step mom checked into the hospital for a mental assessment so she can get the help she needs. She has had or is still having a pyschotic episode. Her going to her own parents house is a bandaid. This woman HAS to be on meds and get counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Claire I know you want to relax and not have to look over your shoulder anymore and within the confines of your home you can. But...(boy do I hate saying this:() sometimes people like her go into overdrive with revenge thoughts, especially since she believes you ruined her life. Be aware of your surrounding when out and about. Take note of times and places. I don't mean to make you paranoid, just vigilant for the time being. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2012 Share Posted June 19, 2012 Hi Clair, just checking in and making sure things are okay..That you are okay.. Update soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clair93 Posted June 21, 2012 Author Share Posted June 21, 2012 Things are quite now... she's hasn't done anything bad. She actually emailed me to talk to my dad about her return. I'm not gonna do that. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Things are quite now... she's hasn't done anything bad. She actually emailed me to talk to my dad about her return. I'm not gonna do that. Forward the email to your dad, save it under a disguised name and do not respond. Stay safe:) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Things are quite now... she's hasn't done anything bad. She actually emailed me to talk to my dad about her return. I'm not gonna do that. Forward the email to your dad. She is sooo not ready to come back home. How are your siblings handling things? They must be upset and all with everything that's happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Clair93 Posted June 27, 2012 Author Share Posted June 27, 2012 She sent me an email today titled "I'm very sorry Claire". She explained how sorry she is for everything she's ever done to me and everything she's ever said to me. She told me that she wants to change and ... I don't know if she really means that, or if that's part of her treatment or she's just doing this so later she can ask me for her return. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 She sent me an email today titled "I'm very sorry Claire". She explained how sorry she is for everything she's ever done to me and everything she's ever said to me. She told me that she wants to change and ... I don't know if she really means that, or if that's part of her treatment or she's just doing this so later she can ask me for her return. I don't know. That's a good question. Also, I'm mindful she still has her sister's influence and advice? Time will tell? It's like, how does someone change so radically in a few weeks? But then I don't know how rapidly counseling can kick in .. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 She sent me an email today titled "I'm very sorry Claire". She explained how sorry she is for everything she's ever done to me and everything she's ever said to me. She told me that she wants to change and ... I don't know if she really means that, or if that's part of her treatment or she's just doing this so later she can ask me for her return. I don't know. People can't change in a week, claire. Or a month. And rarely in a year. WITH therapy. She is just in another segment of the cycle of abuse. She's looking for whatever WORKS on you, to get you to step back and let her have what she had back. They will 'cycle' through these different 'methods' to figure out what works: threats, anger, criticism, being nice, being sorry, making promises, guilt, back to threats or anger, and so on. They literally try them on like an act, to see which one is your 'weakness.' She assumes (since this is the first one she's tried) that your weakness is your good-heartedness. Feel bad for her, let her back in. You know she needs help. HELP her get that help by not buying into this manipulation. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 But then I don't know how rapidly counseling can kick in ..My IC tried to get me to change enough to do one thing, for THREE years. I still hadn't improved enough to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 She sent me an email today titled "I'm very sorry Claire". She explained how sorry she is for everything she's ever done to me and everything she's ever said to me. She told me that she wants to change and ... I don't know if she really means that, or if that's part of her treatment or she's just doing this so later she can ask me for her return. I don't know. One email isn't going to cut it. Time and her behaviour changes can though. If the counselling helps and she improves, and proves to you that she is trying, making an effort, then that's a good thing. Right now it's just words and she may mean what she says but without real action to back up what she is saying, you can't trust her (yet). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Don't buy into it. I cannot tell you how many people can easily such up enough to get what they want. It takes quiet a while for someone to change that drastically. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 She is also dealing with a drinking issue.. Many times when an Alcoholic gets forced into help and the 12 steps are thrown in front of them (as the councilor may have) they mess up the order and go right to step 8...thinking that is the way back on top again.. The problem is that step 1 is where they are stumbling at. Once I accepted step one it took me a couple of years to even get to step 8.... She is actively still drinking but she is trying to get you to believe she is ready to make amends..well.. she has NO idea what she has done to you to be able to make amends for.. that takes introspection, which 10 days isn't going to give her. 2 of the steps: 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Stay strong Claire and guard your heart with her until she shows that she can make those amends to you and mean them... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) i'd want to see 3 months good behaviour as proof, not one email, she might mean it, but might renege on it too Edited June 27, 2012 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 So there you have it, from those who know more about counseling or rehab then I. I do know my bad habits, emotions do not change overnight. I would think if you ignore her - or give her indefinite responses, she may reach the point of telling you what she really thinks? Perhaps the best idea would be to ask your father if it's alright to ignore her emails, since such a short period of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 Perhaps the best idea would be to ask your father if it's alright to ignore her emails, since such a short period of time. I hear what you're saying, and I agree that it's good to keep her father in the loop - among other reasons, so that step-mother can't try a "divide-and-conquer" kind of thing by creating weird dynamics and driving a wedge between them. But I don't think she needs to ask her father's permission before she makes her choice how to respond (or ignore.) Again, I think it's good for their relationship (between her and her father) to keep the communication lines open, and certainly a courtesy to him to let him know what's going on, but in the bigger picture, I like that she has taken control of the situation, and is making decisions for herself. I think it's OK for her to keep doing that here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 27, 2012 Share Posted June 27, 2012 She sent me an email today titled "I'm very sorry Claire". She explained how sorry she is for everything she's ever done to me and everything she's ever said to me. She told me that she wants to change and ... I don't know if she really means that, or if that's part of her treatment or she's just doing this so later she can ask me for her return. I don't know. I agree that she is likely saying all this as a manipulative tactic. But I would take what she says at face value. "Thank you for the apology. It means a lot. I am glad you want to change, as I would like to start over and build a whole different relationship with you. I look forward to seeing what steps you take toward changing, and if a counselor needs to speak to me about anything, you may have him/her contact me." Something like this acknowledges her reaching out while still requiring REAL ACTION, not just pretty words. You are writing back in a kind way without opening your arms and asking her to come home. Copy your dad as well, so he knows what is going on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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