I have feelings for my long-distance friend with benefits. thoughts?

[sehera]

this might be very scattered, since that's how my mind is right now, so please feel free to ask me to elaborate if something isn't clear.

 

so i've known this guy for just under a year now. we go to uni in different countries, and at the time that i met him i was in a serious relationship with someone else, so this guy and i kept it totally friendly at first. we hit it off immediately, and we started hanging out a lot. i was comfortable talking to him about my boyfriend, the problems we'd been having, and he kind of told me right from the start that he thought my boyfriend was playing me, but i wouldn't believe a word of it.

 

we kept in touch for months over skype after we went back to school, and eventually, my relationship ended, because i discovered that i was being cheated on. me and this other guy kept talking though, and when we met after a couple of months, i was really excited about seeing him. we got drunk and kissed, and then ended up hooking up a lot over those few weeks, but we didn't have sex.

 

now we're back to our lives, and we still talk to each other a lot. we had the 'conversation' and we decided that even though we both have feelings for each other, the distance makes it pointless to try to actually be together.

my real problem is this: we decided that i would go visit him in a couple of months, and i'm really, really looking forward to it. but sometimes i feel like maybe him saying that he has feelings for me was a way for him to put me at ease so that i would be more willing to sleep with him. i want to, absolutely. he's attractive, always shows me the best time (i'm always laughing around him, we're so similar in so many ways, and his enthusiasm about everything is so contagious, i love it), but i don't want to be used in any way. i know he says he likes me, and he probably does. but i know how naive i can be. i know that people lie all the time, but i'm seriously crap at telling when they are. i don't want to be just another successful conquest. i want this to happen, but it makes me feel uneasy the way he's so certain that it will. he's always talking to me as if it's a sure thing, and that he can't wait, and how much i'm going to love it. and he's right, it kind of is a sure thing. but i don't want him to KNOW that, or talk about it constantly. i want him to flirt with me, say suggestive things, and make me blush rather than talking about it like it's in the bag.

 

does that even make any sense?

 

i want him to still make an effort, and not take the fact that i'm kind of crazy about him for granted. it's either that, or for him to tell me it's just a casual thing, and then that's how i'll approach it. but i feel like there's no way for me to ask. it makes me feel too vulnerable, especially when i'm not even sure what i want from him. i mean if he's screwing around, he's not going to SAY he's screwing around, right? he will obviously tell me that he adores me, and he can't wait to see me and be with me again. and what entitles me to ask him to want me anyway? but there's no way for me to explain to him that it's OKAY if he's not actually in it for anything but the sex. i'm cool with it, as long as i know where i stand. i just want him to be honest with me and i want to KNOW that he's being honest. he's got the absolute upper hand.

the bottom line is, i genuinely like this guy, but i know i can deal with him not feeling the same way if i know where i stand for sure. this way, i can curb my tendency to make brain-babies with him after it's done, and we're apart again. i feel like i can be too easy, too accommodating, and i need it to stop. how do i do that?

 

how do i explain all of this to him without sounding like the complete psychobitch that i'm sure i currently sound like?

any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Glass Bead]

The attractiveness of 'friends with benefits' is that it removes the issue of commitment for one or both sides. From a male point of view, yes, it may mean that he's screwing around but the only way to know would be to ask him.

 

But why would you ask? if you both are not committed then he's well free to do as he pleases. He's not yours and vice-versa. In other words, if you are afraid that he'll tell a lie just to have sex with you then don't put him on that spot and you problem is solved.

 

From your description it really looks as you have a ton of things in common and you are intimate with one another. Don't rush by trying to figure out already if he's with you just for the sex/ intimacy or he's looking for commitment. He most likely doesn't know yet either or if he does you'll discover when you get there.

 

But what I would do is really to look at the meeting for what it is - call it a successful conquest, one-time encounter - and drop any expectations about what will happen or if sex will conquer him. Decide only if you want to have sex with him when you see him and if you're really comfortable; and decide at the end if you want to commit with him, not the other way around.