in-between time "workout plan"

[Icath]

Glad to have found this place to post. For starters, I am really looking for new advice and perspective, not the same old "there's other fish in the sea," thing all your buddies give you. I'll try to be brief about my situation.

 

I chose to end things with my lover nearly 3 months ago, and we've had no contact since. The more time passes, the more I regret it. I did have sound reasons for doing so at the time. She didn't do anything terrible, far from it -- but I also felt she just wasn't a great listener, wasn't great at being emotionally open. I saw small examples of double standards. I saw, not quite lying, but exaggeration when we argued about things. And most importantly, she threatened to break up with me a lot when I tried to tell her what my issues were in the relationship. She had broken up with me twice times during our 2.5 years, but only for a few weeks. Finally, a few months ago, I started spending more time with friends, and when she questioned me about it, I said it was because I didn't like feeling threatened and needed to be sure I had a safe place to be in case she left. I still think that was sound reasoning. But I also now see that I was provoking a confrontation, too. Even though I did it politely, and with care, and put it in writing so it was clear, she pretty much ignored what I was saying and kept insisting that she was really hurt by my actions.

 

Anyway, as time passes, I'm looking much deeper into the root causes of what went wrong, and see we had a push-pull thing going on for a long time, and I think it was both our faults, and I certainly played my part. And I am really wondering now how I could have made things different if I didn't get as scared as I did when things were close. I did try to talk about my feelings, and tried to ask for what I needed, but that usually ended in a disaster.

 

Anyway, a couple of other important facts. We're both 35, so there's more pressure, at least for her, to get married, I think. She's also an immigrant, and while she has 3 years left on her visa, there is this issue of having trouble seeing far into the future for her.

 

The rest of my life is very much in order, I have a house and a dog, I'm successful at work, and I've been in therapy for a couple of years working on my ability to be intimiate. Still, intimacy scares me of course.

 

At any rate, I would *love* to talk with her about the things I've learned about myself during the past three hard months. Despite the warning signs, I adore this woman and my heart so much wants to connect with hers. The truth is I like, and love, this woman WAY more than anyone else I've ever dated. She got along fabulously with my family, and her wild differences from me (she's from Spain) brought so much richness into my life. I am wondering how much I overblew the warning signs in my head, got into futuring too much, and perhaps sabatoged our relationship. And I'd like to talk about that.

 

But I think she's probably still pretty angry. The last time we got back together, I overdid it with the flowers and hearts thing, so that's not an option. And the truth is, I still think she played a part too, and I really would need to see her acknowledge some of her stuff, too, before committing to a life with her.

 

So my question: I know today is not the day, but some day I would like to contact her. In the meantime, I am hard at work trying to come up with a "workout plan" to take care of myself, healthy things I can do to help me not only cope but better prepare, in case we reconnect, or in case we don't. Dating someone else isn't my answer, I've decided, it only makes me sadder and feels like I'm using the other person. I am blessed with a lot of friends (many who are tired of listening to me), so I spend as much time as I can with them.

 

But otherwise, anyone who wants to help me come up with my "workout plan," I would really appreciate.

 

Hope to all those struggling out there right now, and thanks for listening,

icath

[msrealdoll]

Icath, Maybe the reason you've not gotten any responses is because it sounds like you really have it together. It sounds like you've given your situation a lot of thought, and are taking steps to work it out.

 

Is there anything specific you need help with?

[icath]

Nice of you to say I have it together. The funny thing about having it together, I've realized, is it only takes 30 seconds of not having it together to ruin 3 months of having it together. Well, that's an overstatement. I still so often think about doing something like contacting her, it still seems routine to dial her number, odd after three months. On the other hand, as I spend time with other people, I find I am confused. Maybe I was too demanding of her, as she often said. But maybe she was too self-absorbed to be a good listener, which I often felt. Actually, I have other friends, I;ve recently realized, who just can't listen to me say more than two sentences at a time without interrupting, so I'm beginning to wonder if I am too tolerant. Rosa wasn't quite like that, but some of what she did made me feel that way, and when I tried to tell her, she just thought I was crazy, or making it up to criticize her so I had an excuse to leave her.

 

Anyway, I am now trying to decide if and when to contact her. I can tell this time has been healthy for me, and there are times where I think contacting her too soon may mean I don't solidify the personal gains I've made. Of course, waiting too long may mean I lose everything. On the other hand, I try to remain open-minded about what she's up to, hopefully she's learning what she needs to learn now too, and her schedule may not be mine.

My first impulse is to wait another few weeks, going on the theory that patience is probably the one thing I haven't tried yet in the relationship. I'm nervous though, because I realized today that while I am doing a good job of connecting with old friends, etc., deep inside I am making it through by keeping quite alive the idea that we will get back together. I may be really kidding myself and setting myself up for a fall. On the other hand (I sound like an economist), perhaps I am ouitgrowing her as I learn better what I really need and how to ask for it. I know I want this woman's love, and I love her, but only if I see an equal effort on her part to grow and to love me. I'm *almost* out of the "I'll do anything to win you back" stage.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on knowing when is the best time to reconnect? Remember, we haven't connected at all in 3.5 months now.

 

Bob

[hurting so bad]

I just cried reading your post

 

When did you start to realize that she is the one you want? I mean, did you date others and keep comparing them to her?

[icath]

How did I know, that's a good question. The comparison game is *always* a loser. Everyone has something about them more appealing than your ex, and less appealing. I've decided it's really more about me and what I'm ready to commit to, more than her, or other people I've dated. I did go out on a couple of pseudo dates, most of which made me feel worse and miss her even more. But that's not it. When I spend time with my family, or with out mutual friends, I just keep wishing she were there to share things with.

 

But I am trying real hard to accept that I'm living in some kind of dream state. One of our last conversations, she had all my things in a garbage bag by the door. She did a lot of symbolic things like that -- it's certainly possible she has long since moved on. I have to be ready for that. Or, that she is so hurt she will extract a pound of flesh from me to win her back, which happened the last time we broke up a year ago. And I've promised myself not to do that, I don't have to. But as each day passes, I find I have a growing, simple curisity to know where she's at and what possibilities there are. At least, when I'm at my best, I look at it that way.

 

Sorry that my post made you cry, I certainly know where you are at. Two short weeks ago, I was in a lonely hotel room in Montana actually allowing my mind to get the edges of fantasy about really hurting myself. I can't picture doing that today, at least now. I know this is trite, but the feeling doesn't last forever.

 

Bob

[icath]

Hi all - well, yesterday I dropped a loveletter in the mail to my Spanish Rose. To refresh your memories, we haven't spoken since April 6.

 

I tried to lay out what I thought our real problems were, what I think might be different now, and what I've been doing to grow these past three months. I laid it on thick, telling her why I missed her, but I also said there were things I needed to make it work, too. More than anything, i talked about win-win thinking vs absolute I'm wrong, you're right thinking.

 

I'm very unsure what will happen. I didn't give her a deadline; I think it's very possible she will ignore the message, and I might not hear from her. I have plans to drop her one more in about three weeks if I don't hear anything, and then I'll probably have to let it go.

 

I feel very strange. In one sense, a great bit of relief, and now it's out of my hands for a bit. On the other, I have an odd sense like I hope I don't hear from her. At first, I thought maybe that made me into a liar. But as I've sat with it, I think it is truly a healthy fear that we might end up in our old, faulted relationship, and I truly don't want that. I only want to hear from her if this is something she really wants.

 

At any rate, the last time this happened, she took a long time before replying to me, and put me through quite an ordeal of "tests" to prove myself to her. So I know I probably have an ordeal ahead of me as well as behind me.

 

For those looking to read something that might help, check out Thomas Moore's Dark Night of the Soul. It really talks about how to make the most of an awful, depressing time in your life, and how to not cheat the process.

[icath]

Well, that couldn't have gone any worse. After three months, I sent my love a letter saying let's talk (more details above). And she sent it back through the mail, unopened. So I went to her place to ask for an explanation and her roommates told me she's with someone else now. I guess she's on a different in-between time workout plan. Oy. I took it well, was graceful, and her roomates actually said very nice things to me, including criticizing my ex for her behavior. That actually feels really good. I feel like I'm on the high road. But now, what? The emptiness is just incredible.

[blackendangel13]

Dear Icath:

 

I read your post and this is my honest and humble opinion but I think you needed that closure. If you had not reached out you might have wondered forever about "what if". The one thing you need to remember though is all this healing and changing for the better, you did it for yourself. You may think you did it to show her what you are and win her back, but those changes are positive changes in yourself. I am going through a somewhat similar situation myself. We have been broken up for almost a month (next week) and we did see each other for the past 3 weeks of the breakup. The more that I see him and the more I don't see him have made me realize that I am not the only one who needs to change. It is all to easy to say the other person is the only one, but you took wonderful steps to better yourself. I don't want to use the old "there are other fish in the sea" saying, but judging from what you know about her now, she doesn't seem to have changed and your relationship would probably go back to the same way it used to be within time. I've learned the hard way that not one person can carry or fix a two person relationship no matter how much we want to.

[icath]

thanks, blackangel. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

 

I am trying to remember that all the things I have done recently are very good things, and that I am growing up. In fact, as time passes, the truth is I see more things that I did wrong, and I'm ok with that. I think that's more empowering, because I have some control over that. I really still would like another chanve with her; it's not time for that now, and I have to accept that. I am actually a little excited about recognizing my mistakes, in some way it relieves a logjam for me. But the other half of that is regret. Here's how I see it now.

 

A long time ago I should have talked more with her friends, and made a realtively quick decision. I should have stopped expecting Rosa to be sensible, to follow the white, psychobabble, accept responsibility and accountability thing. Treat her like Rosa. Find effective ways to make things work. She just wanted a lot of stroking, and for that, she would have been beautiful, sang songs, raised my children, been fiercely loyal, and taken care of me. But we weren't going to discuss the higher philosphy of relaitonships, and we probably never would have understood why she would get insanely jealous of certain friends or otherwise sometimes act neurotic. That was the deal as it was sitting on the table, and I should have made my choice based on that.

 

I might have made a different choice if I looked at it that way, frankly. Certainly, I should have made that choice 1 year ago or so and been prepared to stick with it.

 

Instead, the truth is I did kinda try to change her. Or rather, I demanded more from her. I showed up with relationship books and articles I expected her to read. I expected her to follow through on things she promised, when I knew she sometimes wouldn't unless I held her hand the whole time. It's funny, in a way, my own philosophy about personal growth has gotten me in trouble here. I always figured I'd have to be with someone who was as into "growth" and challenge as me. Now, I'm not so sure. Rosa was incredibly spontaneous, unencumbered by my weighty ideas. And that's why I was attracted to her. It was good for me.

 

Anyway, now is when I really need the support, now that my dream is, at least for now, gone. Any words of encouragement are very welcome.