how to deal with a husband's ex-girlfriend

[lovemetrue]

First let me start off with a little back history about my husband and me.

 

We have known each other since 7th grade. But never "dated" or "went out" till later in our 20's after we had both been married and divorced. We have been like best friends and have been there for each other during the good times and bad times.

 

Well, now after being married for almost 5 years a voice from the past has come forth after 15ish long years of really no contact!

 

a little more in site on what is going on. I love my husband and always have. I know we have a very strong relationship. And I know deep down that nothing could break us up unless someone cheated on the other. Right now, due to the work in the US my husband had to take a job out of state for a few months. this in its self is putting a little undue stress on us. But we are getting through it.

 

But the stress that is not needed is his ex-girlfriend coming back into the picture.

 

It all started on day. The phone would ring, and because I have several children I chase after I let the machine get it and then I pick up if it is someone I want to talk to. Well, on this day the phone would ring and just when I would get to it the person on the other end would hang up. This went on ALL DAY! Then FINALLY she started talking to the machine and I picked it up.

 

She told me who she was. An old girlfriend of my husband. (we will call her Joyce) And I talked to her for a bit. I knew about her but it seem she knew nothing about me. And the two of them dated what I believe was our last two years of high school and then about 2 years after that. When talking to her she found out that back then my husband (we will call him Johnny) were like the best of friends and did a lot of "clean" (and what i mean by clean is he kept me away from the drugs and booze) but she was a part of that world. I was not.

 

After talking to her for sometime, she asked me to give her number to Johnny. Like the good person I am, and that I trust my husband I shared the number with him. And TOLD him to call her cause she will just keep calling and calling and calling ME till he called her! And I was right. She called 3 more times after that cause he hadn't called her.

 

I also told Johnny that she is trying to get back with you. No where in the conversation with her did I hear anything about a boyfriend or husband. But I knew there was a child.

 

Well, she asked him for his email so she could send him some pics she had of him from back when... and then it just gets worse from there.

 

Now please understand, I know my husband is lonely and bored at work and LIVES for email's.. But if I was her and found out an old flame was married WITH FAMILY i would have let him go and moved on. But not her! The email's went from "friend" conversation to more romantic (on Joyce's end) She was sending email's trying to get him to remember the times they were together and the good sex they had. And how she loved his kissed and his soothing voice. How she missed his body, blah blah blah (*barfs*) My husband says he has nothing to hide from me , so he gave me his email info so I could read the email she was sending him.

 

Well, the email that broke the camels back was the one where she called me a slut. (thank you.. i graduated high school in one piece if you get my drift!) And said the two of us were doing it on the side behind her back. Well, Johnny let into her about that and to not communicate with him anymore! I told him.... that wasn't going to work and that she would soon be sending him and email saying HOW sorry she was and that she had crossed the line.... and I was right, yet again!

 

Then she sent another email to him about all the romantic things they did and what not...... (sounded like she was trying to out due the memories he and I shared from high school) But what got me was his replyl back. It made me believe that the friendship we had our last two years of high school wasn't as close as I thought it was. So in tears I called him (late) and told him what was wrong. The next day he sent a BCC of an email he sent to her saying don't contact me anymore.

 

Well, that didn't last long. She started emailing again. And now she is still sending email's trying to get him to remember when they first met, kissed, where their first date was. And she is sending him pictures of the two of them together while they were dating!

 

And she CALLS him all the time! There was one night we were having our nightly phone call and she broke through the call 4 times!

Its bad enough she is emailing him.. but calling him too!

 

The hard part for me is to tell him to tell her to take a flying leap! But I can't do that. That would just mean I am .. what's the word..

 

I have told him it does bother me that she is contacting him and bring up all these "good time" memories with him.

 

He says he can't believe I am jealous over this. but wouldn't you be? They shared something special and alot more happy memories then the two of us really share.

 

He says he loves no one but me. And that I am the only woman for him. And I believe him. I trust him.... but I just don't know how to deal with her trying to get back into his heart!

 

Personally I have no issues with him talking to her in email's once every other month. But not 20 email's in one day! And pics of the two of them together happy.

 

There maybe more here then I can see... or I maybe reading more into it then there is.... But the catty side of me knows i have NOTHING to worry about. I still look the same as I did in high school (about 5ft 8 in and about 130lbs). and several children later. I have seen pics of her at the same time and now pics. And I would say she has put on about 100 extra since high school times.

 

I just need some help on how to handle this. I know to make her go away is my husbands job and not mine. I don't want to tell him to make her go away. I really don't mind him talking to her but not about the past and what they shared together.... I feel like she is one of those girls who will keep hounding and hounding a guy till it puts sooo much stress on the relationship he is in that it falls apart. I don't want that to happen to us! And honestly I know it won't. but with him working in another state about half a days drive from the family, already stressing us out... and to throw her in on top of it... isn't really helping much.

 

Help please!!!!!

[Juggs]

This isn't about jealously, it's about respect. And the problem isn't really your husband.... yet.... It's the creaton that keeps contacting him.

 

This woman has absolutely no respect for you, your family or your marriage, that in and of itself is enough to totally justify telling her to take a hike.

 

I believe your husband is being honest and has nothing to hide from you but what is the point of continuing the friendship with her? There are nothing but bad things that will come from it so he needs to respect you and your feelings and tell this disrespectful hose-beast to leave him alone, refuse her calls and block her email address and be done with it. It takes 2 to communicate. If he just keeps ignoring her and blocking her id, she'll eventually get the picture and go away. He owes her nothing.

 

If he is not willing to do that then he becomes the problem...

[supermom]

I'm sorry, but If it were my husband, I'd be calling her myself! Of course, that's me but let her know that you are reading all the emails as well and you know wtf she is saying to YOUR HUSBAND. Reminder her that he is yours and to butt out of your lives as she is causing a disruption.

 

Tell you H to block her from emailing him. Or, he can just totally ignore her altogether and someday she'll stop.

 

You can also put a block on any phone number. I did on my ex husband when he was causing problems. Stopped that real quick!

 

Good luck

[Moose]

Two words: "Restraining order". Even though you don't mind your husband talking to her, she sounds compulsive. Your husband needs to get a restraining order on her to get her to stop. She's a stalker and a real bad case too if you ask me. If your husband cares about your feeling, ( And I think he does ), he would do this for you. Suggest it to him or even have him threaten her with one and see if that cools her jets.

 

Good Luck!!

 

Moose

[Jacksin]

I agree with all of the replies.

 

It must be your husband's first move to tell this interfering woman (who has the potential to break up your marriage) that enough is enough and explain to her how he is happily married and she should not continue to live in the past. Whats done is done.

 

If she still continues, with what is bordering on harrassment, then you must put your foot down and demand he take out a restraining order against her.

 

If it were me, I would tell her to 'hit the road', because my wife didnt like it and I didnt want to jeopardize my marriage

 

Good Luck

Jack

[lovemetrue]

phyco... that is all I can say about her......

 

Thanks for the tips.. we will talk tonight or tomorrow depending on how tired he is when he gets here. It's already 11 pm and its a about a four hour drive from him.

 

after reading the replies and giving it some thought.. maybe I am jealous of the fact that this is the second ex-girlfriend to contact him since we have been married. And non of my exs have tried to contact me. But in a way I think that is a good thing. And some of them knew I was getting married.

 

I will post as to how this turned out. And if ends it with her for good and stops replying to her emails no matter how bored he is at work.

 

Maybe I will make sure some of our friends have his email and send him stuff during the day so he has other people to talk to. He tells me to send him emails but sometimes I feel like if I send to many (like she does) I am smothering him and not giving him the respect he deserves and that I do trust him.

 

I do feel bad when he says I can read his email and check his calls in. I feel like the wife who is checking up on her cheating husband. And that just makes me feel sick.

 

I think only time now will heal my pain.

 

Thanks again for the help here!

 

I am sure you will see other posts from me in this topic...

[Verymuchinlove]

As a man, I would never allow that to hurt my wife. I would politely tell the ex that I wish her well, but I have a loving wife and family to attend to, and to pursue a frienship here would not be in the best interest of my family. If she kept calling I would be insistant until I basically told her to F off. I would file a complaint with the cops at one point too and have my number changed to a non-published number. Your man needs to forget the memories and realize his life commitment and his true love, you!

[lovemetrue]

hmm Verymuchinlove are you my husband visiting here? hehe

 

We had a nice long talk about it this weekend and today. He sent her one more email asking her nicely to stop emailing and calling him.

 

He basically said what you said. And if she doesn't get the hint he said he will be rude and mean to her to make her go away.

 

It wasn't until this weekend that it really sunk in how much this was affecting me. And then when he compaired it to something that happened in his past with his first wife the lights really clicked on!

 

Thanks again for all the help and support! And I am sure we will not be hearing from her again. ( i hope not)

 

till then!

[Verymuchinlove]

I'm not your hubby, but glad to see he is looking at the big picture. Be sure to tell him how much it means to you and that it makes you very happy to know he is looking out for his family. Best of luck!

[lovemetrue]

thanks and I know your not. I was just being silly.

 

And I have talked to him lately and told him that this means a geat deal to me. And to him too.

 

again thanks for all the support and help.

 

/group hug!

[Amandy]

Hi,

 

I feel so bad for you! I know you are under tremendous stress over this. This woman is a stalker! She is not respecting you or your family and I will go so far as to say society as a whole. You are the one your husband married and not her.

 

I think your husband just needs to cease ALL contact with her. He needs to block his email and change the phone number. He cannot be nice to her and niceness on his part is just going to encourage her. Trust me I know this from experience.

 

It is perfectly legitamete for you to feel hurt and angry over this. I don't want to scare you but I would be watching my back, this woman sounds like she has more than one screw loose.