Great Relationship But Now She Needs Space?

[gmoore]

just got back from night 1. it didn't quite as planned but not horrible either. we talked about the relationship a bit I told her how I needed space as well & that I was looking forward to it. I said a few things that I shouldn't have but they wern't too bad. She brought up how she HAS to work on herself and I told her that I accept & understand that. I told her I was thinking about going to therapy(which I am) to get my head on straight & to try to figure out where I'm at because I want to be a better person & that this isn't all her & that I have my short comings as well that I want to use this time acknowledge & learn to recognize them. She agreed that that was a good idea but also reiterated that she truly feels as that the relationship is/was not the problem and that she inevitably would have come to this conclusion no matter the circumstances and that indeed I helped her find the strength to get to this point of having to do this herself.

 

I do believe that what she is saying is true & that she truly feels as though she needs time to sort herself or she won't be able to move forward and grow with or without me. I believe her when she says she is not looking to "date" and that she doesn't want that distraction and she is truly doing this to focus on herself. She says it with such conviction & sincerity and I can see that doing is tearing her apart but she feels it's necessary and I respect that.

 

the conversation got a little heavy at times but overall we were very communicative and understanding of each other. I really have faith in this woman, she is truly unique & special, I've never met someone like her & I feel like she thinks the same of me.

 

At least this is what I have to believe to move forward right now. Time will tell & I know this, but I trust her like no other human on the planet.

[Andy83]

Gmoore I just had to comment because it's uncanny how my situation is similar to yours. This is the second day after the break up of my 2 year relationship with my girlfriend. She was in a previous long distance relationship for 6 years with a marine, and he would abuse her verbally because of his insecurities. I worked with her and basically I was there for her during the bad times. Eventually, they broke it off and approximately 2 months later, we started going out. They were the best two years of my life. We had disagreements but never argued. I'm pretty good about communicating and she has her degree in psychology so we always knew how to talk things through. About a year ago, I took advantage of a great business opportunity which put me 2 hrs away. Every weekend I would see her and things were still great until a couple of months back. For no apparent reason she started to change. It's as if she was getting more and more distant during weekdays. But weekends were always great. I asked her if the distance was hurting anything but she always assured me that wasn't the case. I just felt like I was losing her. I finally called her out on it and laid all my feelings on the table. She became very emotional and just simply said she didn't know why she felt like that, like she didn't know what she wanted, like she wanted to be alone. She cried as she told me this and said that she felt stupid because I was the most amazing guy she ever met and I was perfect in every way. She just couldn't explain why she felt like she needed to be alone. I was devastated to say the least. I would gladly give up my work and move back but she would never let me. I don't know what to do. I feel numb. Every single thing in my life right now triggers some kind of wonderful memory we shared. I'm not hungry and have no motivation to do anything. I dread sleeping because every time I wake up I have to remind myself about my reality and realize it's not a nightmare. I've had plenty of heartache before but this one makes me feel like the loneliest person in the world. There's much more to this story but I don't want to make it too long.

[gmoore]

Hey Andy, I hear you. It's rough but you have to let her go. She needs something right now that you can't give her. I'm still trying to cope with this idea myself but regardless of the situation you have step back. do not smother her & give her the space & "aloneness" she is asking for. it's the only way.

 

I truly believe that my ex ultimately expects to be with me but to do so she feels as though she needs be ok with herself. She fears commitment and she can see a healthy future with me but she has to know that she wants and chooses it by her own volition not by default. She has abuse in her relationship past that she has not come to terms with yet & she needs to face those demons. People often take the easy route & lead mundane lives, it takes courage to seek true happiness.

[gmoore]

The past few days have been some of the most painful & hardest things I've ever had to endure as an adult. I'm not sure I'm even ready to talk about them here or anywhere but I'm going to.

 

This whole process has brought so many things to the surface that I had no idea were there. I have been thinking a lot about how my family has affected me, my perspective and my whole approach to relationships, about my father and my possible abandonment issues(he moved away when I was 13). About some possible codependency issues & my coming to terms with aging & actually wanting to be committed but realizing that I'm not projecting that AT ALL and realizing that I don't have **** figured out so how the hell would I be able to sustain a marriage or family without having some of this worked out or at least being able to acknowledge these issues as opposed to burring them. I will be going to therapy & am looking forward to it, I think I'm finally mature enough to accept help.

 

I do know she loves me & might even still be in love with me but it just can't work right now & possibly not ever & I need to accept that and move forward. She is by far one of the most amazing people I have ever met but as I have come to realize neither of us is truly ready to commit to each other for the rest of our lives without confronting some serous things.

 

Is it possible sometime down the road our hearts will find their way back to each other? YES! is it likely? SURE! Will I stay stuck in limbo waiting for her to change her mind or come to her senses? NO! I will face my fears, I will become a better person & I will stay positive & draw other positive things & people towards me.

 

I will set goals & achieve them. I will grow & stay open minded. I will heal. I will heal. I will heal. I will heal. I will heal. I will heal. I will heal. I will be a better man than I have ever been before.

 

Second chances do happen, I know this, It happens all around us all the time, life is too short to not try to make something work that might have potential. Our relationship is something that was truly great, I wholeheartedly believe this & if our paths cross at the right time in future I'm sure we'll have our time sun but for know she has to travel this road alone.

 

I have faith she will try to find me when she's ready but for now I must truly let her go.

 

I will go NC but I will not play games with her, I will not Ignore her if she is reaching out. I will not try to manipulate her into getting back together with me, it will simply end in tragedy. If she comes back it will be because she is in love with me & can't deny the profound chemistry we share. I will not play games, she deserves better & so do I.

 

I love her enough to let her go.I love myself enough to let her go.

Edited May 29, 2012 by gmoore

[gmoore]

Oh, and it was a HORRIBLE idea to try and do all this moving **** together. All it has done was show her my most vulnerable & emotional side, leaving me completely & utterly exposed. I don't think she's judging me, it has been really hard on her as well but I have been the one to really show it. I don;t think she perceives it as weakness but it is surely unattractive. In time she will reflect on the best parts of our relationship. -note to self

[gmoore]

And then I logged on to facebook only to see the wedding photos of some friends who definitely went through some hard times in their relationship. the moved from our hometown to the west. While they were there one cheated & they broke up for quite some time. after 7-8 months they were able to work it out. they were together for almost 1.5 years after the breakup before they actually got married.

 

It does happen, even in more traumatic circumstances than my own. Things will work out, I trust she will be back.

[Mack05]

gmoore, I really respect for your openess and honesty. You are very like me and wear your heart on your sleeve..I mentioned a few times on this thread how hard it is going to be, but really you have no idea. You are going to need all the courage you can muster.

 

I have a different story to yours but the journey has just been as tough. I have had many setbacks over the past seven months. I am codependent, I react without thinking and other stuff I could mention. Reprogramming yourself is as hard as it sounds. Its correcting a lifetime of unhelpful behaviours. I am making big progress on the road to emotional maturity. I can see it, but it is slow and it is enormously frustrating at times.

 

I have just had thee most frustrating weekend. I am out chilling in a bar having a few beers off the beaten track. A girl I have had a connection with for the past 3 months walks into the bar with her friends. I am thinking to myself "are you kidding me with this!". I have been deliberately avoiding her (keeping my head above water kind of thing), until I feel completely right within myself and/or my crush passes. She see's me and gives me the most beautiful smile. Man alive she looked so beautiful.

 

Her friends say hi and after a beer they leave and we end up together on our own. Talk about a battle of emotion over logic. We end up getting drunk (never a good idea) and she asks me out for dinner this week as we are leaving the bar. I said I couldn't as I have work (a lie and she knew it). She says to me "I don't get you. We get on great, I know you like me, what's going on?"..

 

There is an age difference (I am older) and I just told her I felt it was too much. She was quite sad about this, but accepted my decision. I walked her to a taxi and that is probably that. At home the past 18 months come back in droves and I shed some tears. I know what you are thinking, why just go for it. The same reason you have to remain NC..I'm not ready. Neither or you and neither is your ex.

 

I know I am a nice guy, but my last two ex's wouldn't say that about me. Indeed my last ex has literally erased me from her life and in her head, I have never even existed (extreme I know, but she knows deep down I am right about her and would rather erase than confront. Much easier). I made the mistake of entering both relationships very low in myself with a myriad of insecurites and unresolved codependency issues. I have a great knack at identifying others problems, but not my own. I knew what was wrong with both girls and wanted to 'fix' them. When someone doesn't want your help that's a sure fire way of sabbatoging any kind of relationship..To be honest with their issues a relationship was unworkable anyway. Still they might have had some respect for me, had I dealt with things in the right way at the time.

 

I know in my heart this girl will feel about me the way my ex's do now, if we proceed. I know I am not ready. I still have urges to help, I still react without thinking from time to time. Still have unresolved stuff from my past two relationships. I speak on this site about filling empotional gaps in the right way. Finally I am walking the walk, but not being able to start something with a great girl is so frustrating.

 

I wanted to post this to show you how tough its going to get. There will be many twists and turns on the road. You will have to fight these urges. Have a clear goal what you want for yourself and put the building blocks to go get it. You have recognised the problems you have. That is a great start (many do not have the emotional capacity to do this). You need to remain firm in your conviction as believe me you will be tested. Such is life. If she comes back great, but you need to live your life in the expectation that she won't..

 

I told you to read thedovics threads. She is still throwing breadcrumbs after 10 months..Your first breadcrumb will come in less than 2 months. She will reach out. You have to resist..

Edited May 29, 2012 by Mack05

[Radu]

I don't think your friends are good examples of this, from the sound of things they will be in for some very very VERY rough times [i don't give them a snowball's chance in hell], but i think you will find what you are looking for ... weather it's with this girl or a future one.

[gmoore]

gmoore, I really respect for your openess and honesty. You are very like me and wear your heart on your sleeve..I mentioned a few times on this thread how hard it is going to be, but really you have no idea. You are going to need all the courage you can muster.

 

I have a different story to yours but the journey has just been as tough. I have had many setbacks over the past seven months. I am codependent, I react without thinking and other stuff I could mention. Reprogramming yourself is as hard as it sounds. Its correcting a lifetime of unhelpful behaviours. I am making big progress on the road to emotional maturity. I can see it, but it is slow and it is enormously frustrating at times.

 

I have just had thee most frustrating weekend. I am out chilling in a bar having a few beers off the beaten track. A girl I have had a connection with for the past 3 months walks into the bar with her friends. I am thinking to myself "are you kidding me with this!". I have been deliberately avoiding her (keeping my head above water kind of thing), until I feel completely right within myself and/or my crush passes. She see's me and gives me the most beautiful smile. Man alive she looked so beautiful.

 

Her friends say hi and after a beer they leave and we end up together on our own. Talk about a battle of emotion over logic. We end up getting drunk (never a good idea) and she asks me out for dinner this week as we are leaving the bar. I said I couldn't as I have work (a lie and she knew it). She says to me "I don't get you. We get on great, I know you like me, what's going on?"..

 

There is an age difference (I am older) and I just told her I felt it was too much. She was quite sad about this, but accepted my decision. I walked her to a taxi and that is probably that. At home the past 18 months come back in droves and I shed some tears. I know what you are thinking, why just go for it. The same reason you have to remain NC..I'm not ready. Neither or you and neither is your ex.

 

I know I am a nice guy, but my last two ex's wouldn't say that about me. Indeed my last ex has literally erased me from her life and in her head, I have never even existed (extreme I know, but she knows deep down I am right about her and would rather erase than confront. Much easier). I made the mistake of entering both relationships very low in myself with a myriad of insecurites and unresolved codependency issues. I have a great knack at identifying others problems, but not my own. I knew what was wrong with both girls and wanted to 'fix' them. When someone doesn't want your help that's a sure fire way of sabbatoging any kind of relationship..To be honest with their issues a relationship was unworkable anyway. Still they might have had some respect for me, had I dealt with things in the right way at the time.

 

I know in my heart this girl will feel about me the way my ex's do now, if we proceed. I know I am not ready. I still have urges to help, I still react without thinking from time to time. Still have unresolved stuff from my past two relationships. I speak on this site about filling empotional gaps in the right way. Finally I am walking the walk, but not being able to start something with a great girl is so frustrating.

 

I wanted to post this to show you how tough its going to get. There will be many twists and turns on the road. You will have to fight these urges. Have a clear goal what you want for yourself and put the building blocks to go get it. You have recognised the problems you have. That is a great start (many do not have the emotional capacity to do this). You need to remain firm in your conviction as believe me you will be tested. Such is life. If she comes back great, but you need to live your life in the expectation that she won't..

 

I told you to read thedovics threads. She is still throwing breadcrumbs after 10 months..Your first breadcrumb will come in less than 2 months. She will reach out. You have to resist..

 

Thanks Mack. I understand what you are saying but I will respond if she reaches out in the right way whether it's two months or two years. I will not play games with her nor do I expect that she will play games with me. It also depends what she is saying when she reaches out, if it is "breadcrumbs" then yes I will probably lave it alone so as not to get my hopes up but if it is something more direct I may respond. My intention is to play NO games & if sense she is then I will leave it untouched, if I sense she is in need I will respond.

 

It is not my job to try to convince my ex to come back, It's my job to take care of myself. Either we both end up meeting somewhere down the line & the romantic chemistry is still there and we build from there or we don't. I will heal.

 

I have some issues that I need to confront but I don't belive that I'm damaged & I believe that I am capable of a healthy loving & productive relationship. I don't believe that my ex has anything negative to say about or relationship and truly believe she is doing what she needs to do for herself right now and that our relationship will become her Gage as to what is good about a relationship & that bodes well for our future with or without each other.

[gmoore]

It is also going to be incredibly difficult to "avoid" her. We live within a few miles of each other & we have loads of mutual friends. All of whom are pretty shocked that we have broken it off I might add. Our friends are good people though & the won't hold her decision against her & they'll continue to be friends with her.

 

Only time will tell where we will end up. I'm not holding out for her because I'm focusing on my needs now but she did say that she might consider trying again 6-7 months to a friend of ours. She just needs to find her independence and some peace with herself & not feel like she's being taken care of. Who knows, I'm not holding out for that but I know she hasn't shut me out of her heart completely, now or in the future.

 

I'm also thinking of planning a move, getting rid of almost everything & going out west, time to shake things up a bit. I know if she wants to be with she'll find me wherever I am, I need not worry about such trivial things.

Edited May 29, 2012 by gmoore

[Mack05]

gmoore I don't think you are getting my point. I said already on this thread you were not absorbing what I am trying to tell you. Now I know you are not. I don't believe most ex's we post about on this site are bad people, who deliberately play 'games'. The problem is your ex is about to start a very complex journey. When we are emotional, sometimes we don't think through the consquences of our actions. Sometimes we act selfishly, we don't think through the effect of what those actions might have on our ex.

 

Staying NC is about self-preservation. Its about healing your wounds. It's not about being there for her or hoping she will come back. Ask yourself the question, how I am so sure she will reach out? A breakup with someone we love is one of the hardest things we have to go through in life. It's a cycle, a journey where there are many different emotions. Many ups and downs. At some stage your ex will reach a serious downer. Just a matter of when. It could be caused by anything. Hearing your favourite song together, seeing a couple kissing, a vivid dream/nightmare etc etc etc. The realization is going to hit her like a train and she is going to feel very very uncomfortable. This is where she will reach out to you. She won't be thinking of the consquences this reaction to her emotional state will have on you. She just wants to know if she has her safety net.

 

She will feel very vulnerable and will want that feeling to go away. Hence the 'breadcrumb'. By responding to this you are putting yourself in harms way. You are setting yourself back on the road of your recovery. You are attending to her wounds, without attending to your own. When she has her strength back she will push you away again. This will leave you confused, hurt and angry. The cycle will keep repeating until eventually she doesn't come back and you are left with a longer, harder recovery. You think being there for her is the right thing to do. In this situation believe me it's not. She has to complete this journey herself. END OF.

 

You are no longer a couple. You are no longer friends. Being there for her when she is so emotional and not thinking clearly, is theeee worst thing you can do for yourself and for her. I told you what you need to do to have any chance. To be honest the chance is small anyway. If she wants to leave, there is more stuff she is not telling you. Maybe she is not even self aware to what this 'stuff' is. Time apart is amazing like that for clarification. Yes she needs to find happiness in herself, but if she really wanted this relationship she would have communicated all this a lot sooner and looked to your support as she sorted herself out. Not pushed you away...

 

I feel for you man. I see you making the exact same mistakes as me and nothing people can say will stop you..I told you read thedovic threads. You really need to. Yes I am sure she is special, but the rules are not different for you. People have been there before and you need to understand and respect that. What we are telling you is from hurt and pain and regrets. Believe me...

Edited May 29, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

gmoore I don't think you are getting my point. I said already on this thread you were not absorbing what I am trying to tell you. Now I know you are not. I don't believe most ex's we post about on this site are bad people, who deliberately play 'games'. The problem is your ex is about to start a very complex journey. When we are emotional, sometimes we don't think through the consquences of our actions. Sometimes we act selfishly, we don't think through the effect of what those actions might have on our ex.

 

Staying NC is about self-preservation. Its about healing your wounds. It's not about being there for her or hoping she will come back. Ask yourself the question, how I am so sure she will reach out? A breakup with someone we love is one of the hardest things we have to go through in life. It's a cycle, a journey where there are many different emotions. Many ups and downs. At some stage your ex will reach a serious downer. Just a matter of when. It could be caused by anything. Hearing your favourite song together, seeing a couple kissing, a vivid dream/nightmare etc etc etc. The realization is going to hit her like a train and she is going to feel very very uncomfortable. This is where she will reach out to you. She won't be thinking of the consquences this reaction to her emotional state will have on you. She just wants to know if she has her safety net.

 

She will feel very vulnerable and will want that feeling to go away. Hence the 'breadcrumb'. By responding to this you are putting yourself in harms way. You are setting yourself back on the road of your recovery. You are attending to her wounds, without attending to your own. When she has her strength back she will push you away again. This will leave you confused, hurt and angry. The cycle will keep repeating until eventually she doesn't come back and you are left with a longer, harder recovery. You think being there for her is the right thing to do. In this situation believe me it's not. She has to complete this journey herself. END OF.

 

You are no longer a couple. You are no longer friends. Being there for her when she is so emotional and not thinking clearly, is theeee worst thing you can do for yourself and for her. I told you what you need to do to have any chance. To be honest the chance is small anyway. If she wants to leave, there is more stuff she is not telling you. Maybe she is not even self aware to what this 'stuff' is. Time apart is amazing like that for clarification. Yes she needs to find happiness in herself, but if she really wanted this relationship she would have communicated all this a lot sooner and looked to your support as she sorted herself out. Not pushed you away...

 

I feel for you man. I see you making the exact same mistakes as me and nothing people can say will stop you..I told you read thedovic threads. You really need to. Yes I am sure she is special, but the rules are not different for you. People have been there before and you need to understand and respect that. What we are telling you is from hurt and pain and regrets. Believe me...

 

Wow Mack, Thanks you for that clarification, that sums it up very nicely. I understand that if we have any hope for a future at this point that I need at least 6 months to come to terms with this loss & move on. That is the only way that we'll be able to build something better in the future for ourselves with or without each other.

 

This is a total hypothetical question but, if it ever comes to this, how will I know when she's ready? Will she say so? Or do I make sure I give it 6-7 months at least until I can fully stomach the idea of being without her no matter what that I begin to respond to her & see if we can re-connect?

 

I know they're not the questions that I should be asking but it makes me feel better to talk about them on the forum, It give me strength and perspective.

[gmoore]

My ex and I have had a really rough & emotional past few days moving and separating our stuff. Today is the final day and I'm not sure if I'll see her or not. I'm hoping not honestly but we have a few things to finish up. It is also my birthday.

 

So being my birthday she sent me a text that reads "Happy Birthday Wolf". I'm not going to respond but I find it interesting that she chose to use a pet name (I was a wolf & she was a fox) that she had for me to tell me happy birthday. honestly after the past 3 days I wasn't really expecting a happy birthday from her at all. I'm so confused as where her head is right now. Why do that to me? I know she's not meaning to be confusing but why reference something so intimate at all?

[gmoore]

I want to text her back "thanks fox" but I know I shouldn't right?

 

Is she just trying to see if her safety net is there? maybe a little bit? or just trying to be nice?

[Mack05]

I would acknowledge the text because birthdays are special (hope hers isn't coming up), but hopefully you have had the chat about strict NC no matter what from here on out. If she wants you back mate, believe me you won't need to come here looking for advice. She will move mountains and will be VERY sorry for hurting you. Anything less then that is breadcrumbs..

[gmoore]

Hers has passed, I will acknowledge the text & if I see her tonight it will be the last time for quite a while, then it'll be time to lick my wounds and heal.

[Mack05]

Use this place gmoore. Its ok if your posts are all over the place, thats because of the different emotions you will experience. It's ok if some days you feel strong and others you feel like puking. When you get to 50 posts you can private message. I will send you on some things that helped me. It is very hard. My god I know this. I couldnt follow the advice I am giving you, so if you fail I won't be mr know it all. I just wish I listened to those close to me. But I was in a new country and it was HARD and in a weird way have her turn on me the way she did and have her dislike me the way she does, has been a help to me..

 

What turned out good for me though in the longrun, I don't believe is good for you. Please read the dovics threads. Nice guy, similiar story who went through all the highs and lows..10 months later he is still getting crumbs that set him back. He failed to establish boundaries with her. He failed to listen to the same advice I gave him in his threads..His heart was too invested, as is yours. That's why you need courage galore to pass this upcoming test, but if you want to hold onto this small chance of a future reconcilation. IT HAS TO BE TOTAL NC. No checking Facebook, no answering 'unknown' number calls, no answering breadcrumbs, no asking your friends how she is doing, if they try to tell you then you cut them off and explain you don't want to talk about it and ask them to respect that fact. You literally have to disappear from her world. Avoid the places you both go to.

 

Honestly, I can't begin to describe how hard this is..From the book getting past your breakup...Why NC is so important...

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 90 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

Edited May 29, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

Thank you Mack. I realize that I need to grieve for the relationship that we shared because it is over now and anything that we potentially share in the future will be new relationship with 2 new people investing in it. I understand that this is the only way.

 

I have already unfriended her on FB so we can't see what the other is doing. I plan on gathering all of the things that remind me of her into a box and packing it away etc. so I don't stay stuck.

[gmoore]

goddammit this is killing me, why would she have used her pet name for me to say happy birthday instead of simply happy birthday? I don't understand! It's making my head spin. I just don't get it at all, after this weekend with all of the talking & crying we did she must know that something like that would weigh heavy on my heart? What is she trying to say? I know she's probably not thinking about the consequences of what she's saying but she's got to know that's torturous!

 

interesting article with a bunch of even more interesting "success" stories attached in the comments:Science Confirms Getting Back With Your Ex Will Only End in Tears

[Mack05]

goddammit this is killing me, why would she have used her pet name for me to say happy birthday instead of simply happy birthday? I don't understand! It's making my head spin. I just don't get it at all, after this weekend with all of the talking & crying we did she must know that something like that would weigh heavy on my heart? What is she trying to say? I know she's probably not thinking about the consequences of what she's saying but she's got to know that's torturous!

 

interesting article with a bunch of even more interesting "success" stories attached in the comments:Science Confirms Getting Back With Your Ex Will Only End in Tears

 

You are too emotional gmoore, you are simply not absorbing what I am trying to tell you. You are not thinking with any clarity, you are simply missing her too much. If you think this is bad, it's only going to get worse. So much worse.

 

You need to stop analysing her actions and what they potentially might mean. Right now you can't see the forrest from the trees...The only person you should be focusing on yourself. It doesn't matter if she called you Wolf, Tiger, Seal, Shark or Lion. Right now she is in a total state of confusion and is emotionally all over the place. Therefore she (her words or actions) can't be trusted, not right now or in the near future. Its therefore completely immaterial and irrevelant what name she called you. The relationship in its current format is over and this is the only important matter, that and resolving the flaws you mentioned above on this thread. How can you resolve and heal, while all your focus is on her? You can't.

 

You are and will continue to do look for signs from her, that are not there. You will continue to obsess about her and her behaviours/actions. You will experience all the varying emotions from sadness to anger. You will be angry she left you, you will miss her etc etc. Each day sometimes bringing something different. You will go through a million conversations and remember things you wish you said. You will want to break NO contact over and over.

 

I told you what you need to do above. I explained a poster called the dovic went through more or less the exact same thing. Sadly my words are wasted on you. It's not your fault, your in love and feel like you are drowning and in your mind only one person can save you. I know that feeling all too well. But its all soooooo detrimental to your recovery.

 

You need too disappear from her life and stop analysing her, until you can be logical again and you are a long way from that. Obsessing about her and her actions will just keep you in the same rut...I can see what's going to happen here already...Repeating cycle of breadcrumbs from her, over analysing from you, posting here saying "what does this mean?". Followed by her detaching again leaving you confused and more hurt every time. You post here again and telling us "you are right". This cycle will repeat for between 6 months to a year, until she eventually she never comes back...A year of your life wasted, while she moves forward after getting all the support she needed from you, having no real idea of the devastation left in her wake..

 

Watch...

Edited May 29, 2012 by Mack05

[gmoore]

You are too emotional gmoore, you are simply not absorbing what I am trying to tell you. You are not thinking with any clarity, you are simply missing her too much. If you think this is bad, it's only going to get worse. So much worse.

 

You need to stop analysing her actions and what they potentially might mean. Right now you can't see the forrest from the trees...The only person you should be focusing on yourself. It doesn't matter if she called you Wolf, Tiger, Seal, Shark or Lion. Right now she is in a total state of confusion and is emotionally all over the place. Therefore she (her words or actions) can't be trusted, not right now or in the near future. Its therefore completely immaterial and irrevelant what name she called you. The relationship in its current format is over and this is the only important matter, that and resolving the flaws you mentioned above on this thread. How can you resolve and heal, while all your focus is on her? You can't.

 

You are and will continue to do look for signs from her, that are not there. You will continue to obsess about her and her behaviours/actions. You will experience all the varying emotions from sadness to anger. You will be angry she left you, you will miss her etc etc. Each day sometimes bringing something different. You will go through a million conversations and remember things you wish you said. You will want to break NO contact over and over.

 

I told you what you need to do above. I explained a poster called the dovic went through more or less the exact same thing. Sadly my words are wasted on you. It's not your fault, your in love and feel like you are drowning and in your mind only one person can save you. I know that feeling all too well. But its all soooooo detrimental to your recovery.

 

You need too disappear from her life and stop analysing her, until you can be logical again and you are a long way from that. Obsessing about her and her actions will just keep you in the same rut...I can see what's going to happen here already...Repeating cycle of breadcrumbs from her, over analysing from you, posting here saying "what does this mean?". Followed by her detaching again leaving you confused and more hurt every time. You post here again and telling us "you are right". This cycle will repeat for between 6 months to a year, until she eventually she never comes back...A year of your life wasted, while she moves forward after getting all the support she needed from you, having no real idea of the devastation left in her wake..

 

Watch...

 

I will post here when she gets in contact or when I happen to see her instead of contacting her. tonight was the last night of clean up on our old place. There are a few more things to do though.

 

I built her a motorcycle that is going to be featured on Iron & Air magazine and I have it for a couple of weeks because someone is coming to photograph it on Thurs. & it needs a few touch up repairs before I hand it over to her for good. I need to make sure it is 150% safe for her to ride. I've made plans with my new room mate to drop it off in her garage after she goes to work to avoid seeing her. I also owe her $200 which I will wire to her through paypal ultimately avoiding contact.

 

After that absolutely no contact. I will respond to nothing short of "I need to talk to you in person it's an emergency" or "I want to give us another chance & I want to work on our relationship" until at least 6 months have passed.

 

If there's one thing I pride myself in it's my willpower. I know this will be one of the hardest tests of my life but I can do it.

 

What is interesting is that while I was driving away tonight I felt oddly confident. Confident that I will be alright & that I will become a better man than I have ever been before & confident that IF she returns I know we'll be able to repair our incredible special bond & commit to a future together & if she doesn't I will still be a better man & will be ready to commit to a new relationship if that's what needs to happen.

[fetish1980]

Mack is right gmoore.

 

You need to stop analysing why she said what she said and take it as a grain of salt. By doing so, you are reading more into it than what it means and vicariously hoping it means that you two will get back together. Don't do that to yourself.

 

Your situation reminds me of mine. I'm about your age. My ex is 27 turning 28 this year. We broke up last year February after 7.5 years together. We were living together and had plans to marry. Then i started noticing we were seeing less and less of eachother. She wouldn't come straight home after work and would go to the late night gambling casinos with her best friend. I told her that it was bothering me that she'd go, but she continued to go anyway. She missed a car payment i cosigned to her and hadn't told me about it, so when i approached her about it, rightfully angry about it, she bailed and handed me the "I need space!" line.

 

I was heartbroken and didn't see how i was going to go on without her. She did try to come back 4 months later, but because of the way she left so abruptly and in anger, i knew i could never trust her again. At the time, i didn't want to even think of the possiblity of there being another guy, but now i've accepted that she probably had her eye on someone. Here i am now almost 16 months later and i still think of her everyday, but i believe i've come too far to get caught up again.

 

I respect your girl because she was at least honest and upfront about it. Right now you're vulnerable because you don't see yourself with anyone else. If you guys are meant to be together, she will come back. You won't even have to lift a finger, it'll just happen. In the mean time, you can still be cordial to her, but don't sit around hoping you two will reconcile. Because if it does by chance happen to go the other way, you will be left feeling heartbroken, empty, and lifeless.

 

You're 31, so that means you still have some youth juice left and need to live your life. I'm not saying to not feel sad and hurt, because whether you guys get back together, the fact is you guys have broken up. Don't make the mistake i did and piss away a whole year feeling sad and torturing yourself with misery.

 

Just don't let this consume you is all i'm saying.

 

Out!

 

fetish

[gmoore]

Mack is right gmoore.

 

You need to stop analysing why she said what she said and take it as a grain of salt. By doing so, you are reading more into it than what it means and vicariously hoping it means that you two will get back together. Don't do that to yourself.

 

Your situation reminds me of mine. I'm about your age. My ex is 27 turning 28 this year. We broke up last year February after 7.5 years together. We were living together and had plans to marry. Then i started noticing we were seeing less and less of eachother. She wouldn't come straight home after work and would go to the late night gambling casinos with her best friend. I told her that it was bothering me that she'd go, but she continued to go anyway. She missed a car payment i cosigned to her and hadn't told me about it, so when i approached her about it, rightfully angry about it, she bailed and handed me the "I need space!" line.

 

I was heartbroken and didn't see how i was going to go on without her. She did try to come back 4 months later, but because of the way she left so abruptly and in anger, i knew i could never trust her again. At the time, i didn't want to even think of the possiblity of there being another guy, but now i've accepted that she probably had her eye on someone. Here i am now almost 16 months later and i still think of her everyday, but i believe i've come too far to get caught up again.

 

I respect your girl because she was at least honest and upfront about it. Right now you're vulnerable because you don't see yourself with anyone else. If you guys are meant to be together, she will come back. You won't even have to lift a finger, it'll just happen. In the mean time, you can still be cordial to her, but don't sit around hoping you two will reconcile. Because if it does by chance happen to go the other way, you will be left feeling heartbroken, empty, and lifeless.

 

You're 31, so that means you still have some youth juice left and need to live your life. I'm not saying to not feel sad and hurt, because whether you guys get back together, the fact is you guys have broken up. Don't make the mistake i did and piss away a whole year feeling sad and torturing yourself with misery.

 

Just don't let this consume you is all i'm saying.

 

Out!

 

fetish

 

Thanks man, I don't plan to let is consume me. It's just hard to digest that if she wants back I likely don't have to anything but be good to myself, respect myself & make myself a better man. If she truly wants another shot she'll move mountains to get to me & I need not worry.

[fetish1980]

Thanks man, I don't plan to let is consume me. It's just hard to digest that if she wants back I likely don't have to anything but be good to myself, respect myself & make myself a better man. If she truly wants another shot she'll move mountains to get to me & I need not worry.

 

well, no one ever plans to let it consume them. Just be careful of the behavior patterns that lead up to that point. It's very easy for us to let our emotions control us, but we at some point realize we have control over them. It took me a long time to realize that.

 

Like Mack05 said, you're going to go through a wave of emotions. You're feeling confident right now but don't be discouraged or surprised if you find yourself in another trough.

 

fetish

[gmoore]

Also, I'm not trying to over analyze this but just thought that I'd mention that it happened. It is my birthday and we had to finish the last bit of cleaning at the place & she showed up later than I. She then tells me to go into the other room because she got me a present. I walked into the other room and waited, she called me in. on the table is a little piece of cake with some candles that she lit and a good beer(we both really love craft beer). I was almost angry & most definitely confused. It's like she just wants me to be good with what's happening but in doing so is repeatedly sending me mixed signals. I know I shouldn't read into it but WTF?