Great Relationship But Now She Needs Space?

[BB7]

Yeah, it's interesting. My ex and I were one of those couples where everyone just though we'd get married, including our parents & me too I guess, haha. All our friends were taking bets as to when, that type of thing. Alas, here I am...

 

Yeah I hear you mate, pretty much the same thing with me except we are younger. Was with mine for nearly 8 years and BAM...just like that she's outta my life and her whole family are upset as well. I have good relationships with all of them as she does with mine. It's a hard thing to deal with when you feel like you've lost your whole future!

 

I'm only 7 days NC but its seriously getting so much easier. It's much better than trying to remain in her life as a friend, that's just BS.

[gmoore]

Yeah I hear you mate, pretty much the same thing with me except we are younger. Was with mine for nearly 8 years and BAM...just like that she's outta my life and her whole family are upset as well. I have good relationships with all of them as she does with mine. It's a hard thing to deal with when you feel like you've lost your whole future!

 

I'm only 7 days NC but its seriously getting so much easier. It's much better than trying to remain in her life as a friend, that's just BS.

 

 

I agree man. Hang in there. I'd like to say it doesn't get worse before it gets better but it will. I still get set back all the time. But, yes, I agree NC is a lot better than staying around as a security blanket so she can move on from me and find someone else. **** that. She wants space, that's what she gets. Space.

[dreamlove2012]

Just be patient and give her more time.

[BB7]

I agree man. Hang in there. I'd like to say it doesn't get worse before it gets better but it will. I still get set back all the time. But, yes, I agree NC is a lot better than staying around as a security blanket so she can move on from me and find someone else. **** that. She wants space, that's what she gets. Space.

 

Yeah, I still think about her a lot but I'm really content right now. Just message as many people as possible and just organize a heap of things to do and keep yourself busy, that's the trick I think.

 

We've been broken up for a bit over 2 months but only recently have I decided to go complete NC. I was just sick of the one sided 'friendship' and feeling like I was there for her and she wasn't for me.

 

I'm at the stage where I'm angry at her lol. She didn't do anything wrong but I still get to be angry!

 

Keep strong mate, you're doing well!

[gmoore]

Just be patient and give her more time.

 

Time & space are the only 2 components of our "relationship" left, I have no choice but to give her time, all the time in the world. Why do you say be patient? Do you mean be patient with her? Just curious what you mean here, what are you implying?

[gmoore]

I have been having dreams of her getting back together with her ex with whom she had an emotionally & verbally abusive relationship with. It makes me feel incredibly jealous, angry & sad when I wake up. I wake up out of my slumber to panic attacks. Why am I having these dreams? How do I get rid of them? They're so emotionally draining(they **** up my days) & I feel like I have no control over them! I want my dreams back!

 

While we were breaking up I asked her if he was the cause or if it was someone else she was leaving me for (I asked multiple times, obviously, probably too many times honestly) & she swore up and down that it wasn't someone else. I trusted her word but judging from how she wasn't able to deal with the confrontation of the break-up by letting me know what was "really" wrong with the relationship & her reasons for having to leave it why would she have told me that. Instead she tried to take ALL the blame for it, Like it was all her fault and I had no part in it and there's nothing I could have done better, which is total cowardice.

 

I feel betrayed & I have no reason to, she is no longer my concern. I won't let my anxiety get the best of me.

Edited June 28, 2012 by gmoore

[gmoore]

I know this shouldn't be something I'm concerned with at all & is only my insecurities getting the best of me but I feel like she isn't ever going to try to contact me because of how much I told her I hoped we'd give it a second chance down the road. I feel like in saying that I gave her all the power & she doesn't even have to try to reach out to see if I'm there & now she feels that IF she does reach out she has to be serious about a possible reconciliation (I guess that's kind of where I want her but I feel ****ing terrible). I feel like I gave her all the power to move on without me because I splayed myself open to her and showed all my cards. I feel pathetic for having done that. I know I'm not a Pathetic person but... you know what I mean. I feel powerless & like I've lost her forever.

[gmoore]

Let her go!!!!!

 

 

Let her go!!!!!

[gmoore]

The worst/best part about this woman is that she loved me like no woman in my life ever has & now she's gone. I'm saying that I'll never find another woman who I love as much or a woman who'll be as beautiful. I'm just saying that she is special and rare, & she was head over heels in love with me & I her. I guess I'm thankful for that experience, she is by far the best woman I have known up to this point.

 

I'm trying to take her off the pedestal but it's incredibly hard with this woman.

 

I will let her go. I will cross any other bridge that may come if/when I get there. I will let her go.

[gmoore]

It's ****ed up how even after a month of not talking to her there's this occasional "realization" that she actually left me. It's still so surreal at times. I truly thought she was the the woman who's eyes I'd be looking into on my death bed.

[gmoore]

I erased her contact out of my phone but I haven't erased our text history yet & for some stupid reason I looked at it today. I miss talking to her & hearing her voice. I guess I was looking for some evidence of when her demeanor changed & everything seemed pretty normal up until about a month before the break-up. She became distant, I wish I knew what happened? Did she meet someone who piqued her interest? did she realize she still had feelings for her ex? Something tells me it has to do with her ex in some way, even if she won't admit it to herself. I guess if that is the truth I know it will end in total disaster. I don't want that for her at all. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this **** right now.

 

So close to breaking... but I won't. I want my mind back, I know I haven't got a hold on her head like this, life just isn't ****ing fair sometimes.

[Ruby65]

Time & space are the only 2 components of our "relationship" left, I have no choice but to give her time, all the time in the world. Why do you say be patient? Do you mean be patient with her? Just curious what you mean here, what are you implying?

 

gmoore, I think that was a spam post.

 

I don't think anyone legitimately on this board and looking out for your best interests would be advising you to give her time to change her mind!

[gmoore]

gmoore, I think that was a spam post.

 

I don't think anyone legitimately on this board and looking out for your best interests would be advising you to give her time to change her mind!

 

It must have been. I was curious as to what the implications of the post were. Just a weird place to chime in with such a vague post? I'm not reading into it but it's just interesting.

[Gulf-Delta]

It's ****ed up how even after a month of not talking to her there's this occasional "realization" that she actually left me. It's still so surreal at times. I truly thought she was the the woman who's eyes I'd be looking into on my death bed.

 

You never know what the future can hold.

 

 

So close to breaking... but I won't. I want my mind back, I know I haven't got a hold on her head like this, life just isn't ****ing fair sometimes.

 

Do what feels natural. If you have to break NC, then do it. No point in keeping everything bottled up. Sure, it'll hurt to break NC, but hey, it might be what you need to do to gain more clarity and chip away a little at whatever your heart is clinging to.

[gmoore]

Thanks Gulf. I think I'm going to stay NC for now, I know it's best for me. She isn't going to be able to ease any of my pain. If anything I imagine talking to her will exacerbate my hurt. I'll wait for her to contact me, I know it can't stay dark forever, someday she'll feel the need to communicate.

[gmoore]

Has everyone seen the film "Cashback" ? If you are going through a break-up & want a film that is really good but also deals with the issues & dynamics of a break-up then you NEED to see this film. It's on Netflix. Just watch it. It will make you feel better. Cashback!

 

Let me also add that the plot of the film is almost exactly what happened to me during the interim between my ex ex and my now ex. I realized that my ex ex was actually not that great for me at all and met someone WAY better(my current ex) & I was floored at how much I had actually "settled" for the ex ex. Then who tries to come back into the picture? You guessed it, ex ex comes back saying anything she can to try and re-hook me after I was truly gone. I'm not so sure the film is as relevant to me now as it was then but I still like to watch it, that & "The Count of Monte Cristo".

Edited June 29, 2012 by gmoore

[Plan 9 from OS]

gmoore,

I don't know if I have much to offer you considering that I've been married for 15 years, but I have some thoughts that may help. Most likely, you're going to be moving on from this relationship. IMO, it is not going to come back together or more importantly it should not come back together. Both of you came out of abusive relationships prior to this relationship. I honestly believe that at best the two of you were good "therapy" for each other in order to assist each other to get over the abuse. Both of you are fortunate in that you are not married to each other. Neither of you are good for each other because both of you have a lot of healing to go through. I am not a believer of "true love", "love at first sight", or "there is only one person out there for me"...This line of thinking is tripe.

 

My advice to you is to move on and start dating once you feel more secure in yourself. You have first hand knowledge on what it's like to be in an abusive relationship so you can avoid this now. Don't jump into another long term relationship but date around a little bit. Get to know more women and the various personalities that they have. You may end up finding a woman that truly meshes with you on a level you've never experienced before, and the beauty of that is it may be a woman you would have never thought would be it. You need to experience other personalities before you jump into something else - especially if it means jumping back to this ex GF of yours.

[gmoore]

gmoore,

I don't know if I have much to offer you considering that I've been married for 15 years, but I have some thoughts that may help. Most likely, you're going to be moving on from this relationship. IMO, it is not going to come back together or more importantly it should not come back together. Both of you came out of abusive relationships prior to this relationship. I honestly believe that at best the two of you were good "therapy" for each other in order to assist each other to get over the abuse. Both of you are fortunate in that you are not married to each other. Neither of you are good for each other because both of you have a lot of healing to go through. I am not a believer of "true love", "love at first sight", or "there is only one person out there for me"...This line of thinking is tripe.

 

My advice to you is to move on and start dating once you feel more secure in yourself. You have first hand knowledge on what it's like to be in an abusive relationship so you can avoid this now. Don't jump into another long term relationship but date around a little bit. Get to know more women and the various personalities that they have. You may end up finding a woman that truly meshes with you on a level you've never experienced before, and the beauty of that is it may be a woman you would have never thought would be it. You need to experience other personalities before you jump into something else - especially if it means jumping back to this ex GF of yours.

 

I don't necessarily believe the "true love" fairy tale either, True love is a choice two people make when they feel they've found that ultimate connection. However this woman & I did develop a very profound psychological connection very quickly & I believe we compliment each other really well.

 

I do plan on dating once I've healed up a bit more. I plan on casually dating, I mean really casual, just getting to know people I'm attracted to casual. I do think this step will help me get perspective because that is the biggest thing I lack at the moment.

 

As for getting back into a relationship with this woman? who knows? I agree that we've both got a lot of work to do on ourselves if it were to work in the long run & this break-up will ultimately be good for the both of us whether we are together in the future or not.

 

My problem right now is that I did have that feeling you speak of with this woman (woman that truly meshes with you on a level you've never experienced before) for quite some time and then we both became complacent. I feel like we let the attraction to each other slide and drifted apart even though we deeply love each other. I believe it's a sign of emotional immaturity on both of our parts.

 

I have no Idea what the future holds for us but I do hope that if we have no romantic future that someday we can be friends as we are able to communicate on a level that I have rarely, if ever, experienced.

 

It's only about a month on right now & I'm still swinging back and fourth between the denial & anger phases of the grieving process. I feel better here and there but, well, you know how it is... it's a process & I'll get there.

Edited June 29, 2012 by gmoore

[gmoore]

I guess what I'm saying is right now I feel like it is our timing that's off because so many other things in our relationship were pretty great and we are very compatible. But, like I said, the biggest thing I lack right now is perspective.

Edited June 29, 2012 by gmoore

[muzik_lvr]

Good thoughts from Plan 9. Gmoore, I think you are on the right track and are progressing, but I notice in some of your posts you still refer to you and your ex gf as "we" or "our", and I do sense a little denial in some of your posts (as you mentioned you were drifting in and out of a bit). Do you think you are still trying to hold on to the 'togetherness' of this relationship, and having a hard time letting that idea go? I know it is tough (trust me, I am going through a situation myself) but to really move on and heal you have to try and completely let go of any "us" or "we" factors, and let go of the notion that you may get back together one day. As said before, no one knows the future and that could happen, but it also could (likely) not happen, and it only does you a disservice to hold on to the hope of that happening when it is clear where things are now with you and the ex. These are just my thoughts from viewing your posts and wanting to offer helpful input in your growth process.

[gmoore]

Good thoughts from Plan 9. Gmoore, I think you are on the right track and are progressing, but I notice in some of your posts you still refer to you and your ex gf as "we" or "our", and I do sense a little denial in some of your posts (as you mentioned you were drifting in and out of a bit). Do you think you are still trying to hold on to the 'togetherness' of this relationship, and having a hard time letting that idea go? I know it is tough (trust me, I am going through a situation myself) but to really move on and heal you have to try and completely let go of any "us" or "we" factors, and let go of the notion that you may get back together one day. As said before, no one knows the future and that could happen, but it also could (likely) not happen, and it only does you a disservice to hold on to the hope of that happening when it is clear where things are now with you and the ex. These are just my thoughts from viewing your posts and wanting to offer helpful input in your growth process.

 

 

You are right, I still feel a lot of "we" & "us". I think about her at least every other thought. I'm trying to sort my **** out but it's tough right now. I'm going to get a better hold on things in the coming weeks as I've changed my plans up a bit & I'll be starting P90X on monday which will keep me a little more regimented & scheduled while also trimming & toning up. This should also filter into my self esteem and overall mood which, in turn, will help me keep my mind off of her & on myself.

 

I also haven't boxed all the **** she gave me up yet. I need to do that & I need to pack it away so I don't look at it & think about it.

 

I want to be able to say to myself "**** Her" and have that be that for while & then deal with the **** down the road once I have a little perspective.

[muzik_lvr]

You are right, I still feel a lot of "we" & "us". I think about her at least every other thought. I'm trying to sort my **** out but it's tough right now. I'm going to get a better hold on things in the coming weeks as I've changed my plans up a bit & I'll be starting P90X on monday which will keep me a little more regimented & scheduled while also trimming & toning up. This should also filter into my self esteem and overall mood which, in turn, will help me keep my mind off of her & on myself.

 

I also haven't boxed all the **** she gave me up yet. I need to do that & I need to pack it away so I don't look at it & think about it.

 

I want to be able to say to myself "**** Her" and have that be that for while & then deal with the **** down the road once I have a little perspective.

 

Yeah, I understand man. I think the main thing to focus on now is the fact that you really don't need her, or anyone else for that matter. You really are fine on your own as a man and can sustain and live an independent life just fine. You are worth having someone desire you, and you have a lot to look forward to, a bright and exciting future. Focus on those thoughts. Anytime a thought of the ex creeps into your head try to force your mind to think of something else and not her. Don't let your mind control your thoughts, you take hold of what your mind thinks and dwells on. You can do it.

[gmoore]

Well, this weekend was interesting & difficult.

 

Friday night I went into town to see a band and there was a girl there who I have a tiny crush on. She's drop dead gorgeous, fun & into a lot of cool stuff. I happened to run into her before the show and we ended up sort of hanging out for the evening. Interesting part is she just got out of a relationship a couple months back and is now "seeing" the drummer in the band that was playing. I don't think it's anything serious and I sensed some electricity between us. Anyway, the night was fun & I for the first time since the breakup had a glimpse of a future without the ex. Which was bitter sweet at best and hurt as much as it healed.

 

Then I was on bookface chatting with an old friend who lives 45 minutes away or so and she was asking about my "lovelife". She's married so it wasn't her inquiring. I told her the the ex and I had broken up a month ago & she replied with "sorry, i think i gathered that (saw her in bratt a couple of weeks ago) but wasn't sure" and that ****ing threw me. it really pissed me off because I who she was probably hanging out with there. It was probably one of her photo professors who lives in the same town. I doubt anythings going on with them BUT why the **** would she have "gathered that"? The whole thing just sent my mind reeling & I have to calm down. It doesn't ****ing matter anyway, It's not my concern but it makes my heart break just hearing about her and speculating.

 

Not to mention the fact that she's made no effort to get in contact whatsoever and that is pushing me more towards the "someone else" end of the spectrum & it just kills me. It makes me want to call her a ****ing LIAR! Esspecially after all of her ambiguous bull**** about "wanting to be alone" & "she's always been in relationships". **** her, ****ing coward.

[gmoore]

I wish I knew how she was feeling. I want to be able to move on but there's still a part of me that believes we're going to be together. I want that "hope" to fade. I feel like she's gone for good but I just can't accept it. The whole thing makes me feel oblivious, and I keep trying to understand something that I know I'll probably never understand.

[Slooop]

Maybe you can use some cheats? Like telling yourself, "the longer I stay no contact, the greater the chance she'll come back to me". Obviously this isn't the healthiest way of thinking but if it helps you to one day get over her it's a win-win. Either she'll come back or you'll get over her and may not want her back.