Great Relationship But Now She Needs Space?

[gmoore]

I'm going to sit on the present for a bit. I'd rather not have contact with her right now... I might just use it & not bring it up unless she does, if she does I'll say thanks & that will be that.

[gmoore]

No one on this board probably has a more positive view/outlook on life. I shouldn't even reply to you to be honest or defend myself; therefore I won't...I am being realistic.

 

Her actions are very clear. The OP wants to hang onto a unrealistic dream. The best way to get her back is to leave her go, live your life as best as you can and make personal changes to yourself. To learn why he made the mistakes he made. If she comes back then he will be ready. If she doesn't he will have done so much to help himself. This daydreaming of a lovely reunion and harping on about other people who have got back together is not helping him..

 

Gmoore how many times do we have to say it to you. Stop analyzing her actions...It doesn't matter what she does! It's over. Why she does this or that is not important. You want to break NC to maintain your connection to her. You have to leave her go. I'm sorry to leave your thread; but its so clear nothing is sinking in with you. If it was sinking in you wouldn't ask the question about the voucher; because you would have understood its not important.

 

You are grasping at straws and when she breaks NC; you will grasp at that like a person drowning grabbing a buoy. I think Mackie said what is going to happen here. He has given you a glimpse of the future. I couldn't agree more..You are heading straight from a train crash, no matter how much you believe that you are not. You are out of control with your emotions and you are fooling yourself right now..Take care I hope I am wrong but I couldn't be more right...

 

No no, I appreciate your input & fully realize that the situation is what it is. She broke it off with me, not a good sign for our future, not at all. BUT that being said, I do also like to hear about and reiterate that there are circumstances where you may be blindsided & fortunes change, it happens all the time. I'm trying not to hold on to this idea but it is one that gives me comfort in the moment.

 

Example: after my last relationship I was devastated. It was on & off & it was abusive. I thought "this is it, this is the best that it gets, lets make this work" but we eventually broke up for good. In that time I ended up buying a get your ex back e-book that was really a get yourself back e-book and also had an exclusive forum that came with it that wasn't unlike this. once the haze of that relationship cleared I realized how bad the situation I was in actually was and had made many improvements to myself my current ex walked into my life. I was at the top of my game and she was instantly attracted to me, we connected right away on a very deep level & she was everything I wanted, beautiful, kind, artistic, caring, loyal etc. In the meantime the My ex ex was desperately trying to win back my favor as you can see in my earlier post where the ex ex is telling me she loves me 7-8 months after our REALLY messy break up. If you are good to yourself & honest to yourself it comes back around, I understand this first hand, and when it does YOU have to make the decision.

 

I think we both thought wow, this is it. skip 3 years into the future & here we are. Looking back now I realize that I wasn't ready for this level of relationship, I hadn't fully decided what I wanted out of it & I ended up neglecting it later in the relationship because I expected certain things without doing the right things to make those expectations a reality. I know I have to move on to be able to be good without her & if she comes back into my life I will be able to make the right choice because I will be clear headed.

 

I guess I'm saying that your words are not wasted on me. I just find it interesting how dogmatic some of the advice is, which is fine since I'm looking for opinions but I have a thing where when someone is talking to me and offering some sort of advice and they think that they're "right" I tend to think it is influenced heavily by their experiences in a very subjective manner as opposed to an objective manner. Ultimately I'm here for peoples stories & input so that I may sift through it to pull out what I believe is pertinent to my situation and to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head so that I can see them here in the hopes that eventually I myself will have a more objective outlook on my situation. I just have a billion thoughts going through my head right now and I'm just trying to capture a few of the reoccurring ones here.

Edited June 8, 2012 by gmoore

[gmoore]

One of the things I'm trying to really get under control are the bouts of anxiety. These feelings of fear wash over me once in a while and they're almost debilitating. I can't wait to get that under control as that was also a hiccup within our relationship as well as my life & it is now magnified without the comfort of her being there beside me. I have my first therapy session next thursday though. That will be be something that is addressed along with many other things & I'm looking forward to getting help.

 

Anyone have any experience with therapy? Did it help you?

[gmoore]

I think I just need to hang out with some cool beautiful women for a bit to make myself feel better. I think I'll try that this weekend.

[gmoore]

Day 10.

 

Eventually I will stop counting the days.

[gmoore]

I guess I just don't get it. I got home from work tonight and pull into my driveway and who is parked across the street meeting up with a friend? You guessed it. I do happen to live across from a store & a post office but still. She doesn't use that post office & there is another store literally one mile up the street with a perfectly good parking lot to meet in. Why would you meet right in front of my house? It's been 10 days since we've talked or seen each other, why risk it? It's also right around the time I get out of work & she knows this.

 

I'm not trying to read into this but it seems weird to me, it must have felt awkward for her too? Why even take the chance of crossing paths is what I don't get.

 

Sorry, I just had to get that out there.

[gmoore]

I know I know already! haha

 

I just figured that this is my place to vent so... that's what I'm going to do.

 

Consider the questions as rhetorical haha.

[gmoore]

day 12.

 

Bad dreams, math rock & whiffle ball.

[Yamaha]

Don't you feel you deserve someone who wants to be your gf?

 

Why dwell over someone who doesn't want the role?

 

She had her chance and she passed. She doesn't deserve another.

Find a new gf (after you have gotten over her, emotionally ) and keep dating until you find someone who doesn't have to think about it.

[gmoore]

Don't you feel you deserve someone who wants to be your gf?

 

Why dwell over someone who doesn't want the role?

 

She had her chance and she passed. She doesn't deserve another.

Find a new gf (after you have gotten over her, emotionally ) and keep dating until you find someone who doesn't have to think about it.

 

 

I absolutely feel that way.

 

There is the slightest possibility that sometime down the road it will be her who wants to fill that roll & I might not give her a second chance IF the opportunity arises. I'm not sure, it depends on the circumstances I suppose. Like I've said before, she never "wronged" me, at least not to my knowledge so the door will likely never be completely shut to her. But I am living my life for ME now and am slowly putting the pieces back together in an even better configuration so I'm not worried about what the future holds.

 

Anyhow, I am getting things in order, I'm regaining my strength & confidence, I'm making plans, I'm working on myself & I'm improving. I'm starting to see this as an opportunity & trying to be more positive and open to what the world has to offer. Rather than fear change, chaos & uncertainty I'm teaching myself to embrace it.

[bamp78]

just re read this line until it sinks in.

 

"STOP ANALYZING HER ACTIONS"......................

 

When she breaks NC, you have all the advice needed already. DO NOT REPLY. No need for the "what do I do know" or "why did she do this...."

 

I will say it again...

 

"STOP ANALYZING HER ACTIONS"......................

 

Spot on! I followed most of this thread and agreed with some not all of the advice given. While the quoted advice is relevant the actions of hers that you can analyze/accept is that it's over for her...hate to be harsh...but she is done. I won't/can't dive into details here but the op has cherry picked advice to make himself feel better in a crappy situation...it's cool man breakups suck and we are here for you. Seriously...but this girl wouldn't have been ok with the happy bday text or pet names and baking you anything if she wasn't 100% ok with you guys not being together. Facts are facts man and I know you don't want to hear it but stop counting the days apart...that number will never change IT IS OVER. Invest some time in yourself and someone else will love you 100% for who you are.

[gmoore]

Interesting article on Psychology Today about the classic "It's not you, it's me" break-up line.

 

"It's Not You, It's Me." Pseudo-Compassionate Break-Up Lines | Psychology Today

[flitzanu]

I guess I just don't get it. I got home from work tonight and pull into my driveway and who is parked across the street meeting up with a friend? You guessed it. I do happen to live across from a store & a post office but still. She doesn't use that post office & there is another store literally one mile up the street with a perfectly good parking lot to meet in. Why would you meet right in front of my house? It's been 10 days since we've talked or seen each other, why risk it? It's also right around the time I get out of work & she knows this.

 

I'm not trying to read into this but it seems weird to me, it must have felt awkward for her too? Why even take the chance of crossing paths is what I don't get.

 

Sorry, I just had to get that out there.

 

because she's trying to be a dick.

[gmoore]

because she's trying to be a dick.

 

haha.

 

I'm also reasonably sure that she left an Aloe drink in the front seat of my truck at some point after that as well. She is the only one that knows I drink that for my stomach. I have no clue as to why she would have felt compelled to come into my space and leave something on my front seat. I'M NOT ANALYZING THIS BUT I FIND IT INTERESTING.

 

In all actuality I've been feeling pretty even keeled, I've been making plans & doing things for myself & have been pretty calm. It hits me periodically throughout the day but... well, you know.

[gmoore]

I don't find it interesting. I find this predictable and mundane. I see this crystal clear. Gmoore I am in a very happy relationship about 6 months now. I still check on this site; because I have learnt so much about the behavioral patterns of people and I continue to do so by just reading posters on this site.

 

You want me to tell you what is going to happen next? Right now she is gently prodding you with a stick. She is hoping for you to say "thanks for the Aloe". She is struggling too, afterall its a breakup. She feels uncomfortable and wants to know she has you at the end of her string. She thinks she is being 'thoughtful' or at least that is what she wants you to think. What it is though is a form of manipulation. She doesn't understand what these subtle little things are doing to you. All she wants to now is that you are still there for her. This is like phase 1. Gentle prodding. If you stay NC after awhile she will go onto Phase 2..

 

Phase 2 will be a text or an email saying something like "oh I saw a cat that looked like Mrs Johnson haha (you get my drift right?). Anyway how have you been?" If you still stay NC you are going to get a text like "Have I done something wrong?" or "Why are you ignoring me?"

 

If you still stay strong (and remain NC) we go to phase 3. Which will be a text or a phone call along the lines of "I Miss you Wolf :-( xxx". This is where you will reach back out, if you haven't already. When you do reach back to her, watch her disappear faster than a portion of chicken nuggets in McDonalds..

 

See part of her is torn. One day feeling she made the right decision (there is soooo much you don't know, despite your beliefs) the next day she has a longing desire to contact you. That is why it is critical you must remain NC; until she is no longer torn.

 

You won't stay NC though and we all know it. If you react like this to 'Aloe' what will you do when she does break NC and its only a matter of time before she does. This is like watching a movie you have seen 20 times unravel. You hope the lead character doesn't make the same mistakes; but envariably they do. Same script, same drama, same result..Just different actors.

 

She is most likely not coming back. Your ONLY shot is to stay NC NO MATTER WHAT..The strength you need is unreal in this situation; but staying NC will truly help you and its your last (small) shot at getting her back.

 

 

Legit question

 

Say all of this comes true, how does the second chance happen after phase 3 if I stay no contact? just curious as to your opinions as to how this would go down?

[gmoore]

If you remain NC, between phase 2 and 3 she could easily call to your house (or bump into you 'by accident') looking for her favourite mug (or come up with a convenient excuse) unexpectedly and uninvited. She will say something like "I think my mug is here" and once she is in the door "I was worried about you" (which means I am worried u are slipping away as my safety net)..You must be firm with her and say "NC is for both your recoveries and that you would appreciate in future if she didn't contact you again"..Now that she is not your partner anymore she can't lean on you to help herself. Yes you have to suppress/curb your real emotions and fight all natural instincts. This is NOT game playing. This is looking after yourself, taking care of yourself.

 

What will eventually happen then is two things....1) She will completely disappear (most likely scenario) and you will come back here posting "Why didn't I reach back to her!?" or "why didn't I try to fight harder for her!?". This is the incorrect way of thinking gmoore. When she is reaching out to you by breaking NC; think of it is a drug addict looking for a fix slap bang in the middle of cold turkey. If you give her that fix she will disappear until she needs another fix or she finds a new drug (new guy) to calm her cravings. To fill these emotional gap(s) within her. If you stay NC and she doesn't get her fix; she will go through cold turkey (or meet a new guy). If she doesn't come back then her decision to breakup is final in her mind and she will be at ease with it. This is the most likely scenario that will play out.

 

2) She will come to your house, break down crying and literally beg you over and over again for a second chance. If she does this then you need to thread VERY carefully. Trust needs to be rebuilt and this takes time or at least it should take time. Diving straight back in as if nothing happened (although it would feel amazing at the start) is a sure fire way to a second breakup. Mack gave some great advice in this thread already (if she comes back) about going to couples therapy etc etc etc.

 

To be honest I already know you will reach out to her at some stage. She will eventually break you down and you will post here "I love her, I followed my heart" or something along those lines. As I have said; I have seen the movie over and over. Same script, same results just different actors...

 

We'll see...

[Ruby65]

gmoore it's only been 14 (?) days, I think you're doing really well!

 

At this point it's still really about surviving hour to hour, doing everything you can to feel as good as possible and making sure you're eating and sleeping and getting the emotional support you need to get through this.

 

Your brain is still trying to come to terms with what has just happened, your body and mind are still in a state of shock. In time, you'll be able to process and accept the situation more fully... in the beginning, a little hope for a future reconciliation can be helpful because it softens the blow and allows you to gradually adjust to the new circumstance at the pace that works for you.

 

Just my thoughts, having been through my share of breakups.

 

Be good to yourself and keep venting and posting for support! The advice you've already received here is amazing.... in time you'll be able to embrace it more fully.

 

And remember -- it ONLY gets better from here, you're already through the worst of it.

[gmoore]

gmoore it's only been 14 (?) days, I think you're doing really well!

 

At this point it's still really about surviving hour to hour, doing everything you can to feel as good as possible and making sure you're eating and sleeping and getting the emotional support you need to get through this.

 

Your brain is still trying to come to terms with what has just happened, your body and mind are still in a state of shock. In time, you'll be able to process and accept the situation more fully... in the beginning, a little hope for a future reconciliation can be helpful because it softens the blow and allows you to gradually adjust to the new circumstance at the pace that works for you.

 

Just my thoughts, having been through my share of breakups.

 

Be good to yourself and keep venting and posting for support! The advice you've already received here is amazing.... in time you'll be able to embrace it more fully.

 

And remember -- it ONLY gets better from here, you're already through the worst of it.

 

Thanks for the words of support. I have been taking care of myself. I am a pretty confident person and have a very solid sense of self & that has helped me greatly in lessening the blow to my ego. It's still REALLY hard at moments but there is a weird serenity or calm that I feel deep down in regards to the whole situation and her. I know things will be ok however they turn out. Like, if I have to move on I will find love & it will be great because I know what I want & don't want out of a relationship as well as in a person & if we do get back together then it will have to be right because I won't enter into a commitment with her unless we are absolutely on the same page.

 

I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity for new love with or without her.

[Ruby65]

Thanks for the words of support. I have been taking care of myself. I am a pretty confident person and have a very solid sense of self & that has helped me greatly in lessening the blow to my ego. It's still REALLY hard at moments but there is a weird serenity or calm that I feel deep down in regards to the whole situation and her. I know things will be ok however they turn out. Like, if I have to move on I will find love & it will be great because I know what I want & don't want out of a relationship as well as in a person & if we do get back together then it will have to be right because I won't enter into a commitment with her unless we are absolutely on the same page.

 

I'm trying to look at this as an opportunity for new love with or without her.

 

 

Absolutely -- whatever happens, either way, you're going to come out of this FINE in the end!

 

I was dumped 5 years ago and thought that was the END for me.... and now I'm so grateful for that breakup because the relationships I've had since then have been SO MUCH better for me, in every way!

 

And who's to say what's going to happen with this ex? I dated my ex-H for 1-1/2 years in my early 20's, we broke up for almost a year, dated other people, then got back together and got married and were married 18 years.

 

These things DO happen sometimes but I think usually when they happen it's when the dumpee (my ex-H in that case) sticks to NC and focuses on their own life and healing and it's the dumper (me in that case) makes contact ONLY TO ASK FOR A SECOND CHANCE.

 

I just really recommend you stick to NC -- no matter what -- and follow the advice here.

 

(However I strongly suspect that if/when your ex comes crawling back, you won't want anything to do with her by then. )

[gmoore]

Absolutely -- whatever happens, either way, you're going to come out of this FINE in the end!

 

I was dumped 5 years ago and thought that was the END for me.... and now I'm so grateful for that breakup because the relationships I've had since then have been SO MUCH better for me, in every way!

 

And who's to say what's going to happen with this ex? I dated my ex-H for 1-1/2 years in my early 20's, we broke up for almost a year, dated other people, then got back together and got married and were married 18 years.

 

These things DO happen sometimes but I think usually when they happen it's when the dumpee (my ex-H in that case) sticks to NC and focuses on their own life and healing and it's the dumper (me in that case) makes contact ONLY TO ASK FOR A SECOND CHANCE.

 

I just really recommend you stick to NC -- no matter what -- and follow the advice here.

 

(However I strongly suspect that if/when your ex comes crawling back, you won't want anything to do with her by then. )

 

Thanks again, I think I have received lots of great advice in this thread and I'm really grateful that so many people have taken a shine to this thread and added their voices to the discussion. It has helped me great deal to have a place to dump and have people who are empathetic and willing to read & offer up opinions and experiences.

 

Also looking forward to my first therapy session on Thursday, that should be interesting at the very least.

[Edtheduck]

Dude I feel your pain, just try and stay strong. Stick to NC, as tempting as it may be from time to time to push that button and send a txt, or call.

 

I'm 7 days into NC, 8 weeks into the BU. my ex is already seeing someone, and that to me as strange as it sounds make me smile, as it shows how strong I am and how much I actually did care for her. It's up to people to make their own mistakes in life, and if they don't, you've just got to wish them well.

 

I say this as I've fought the urge all day to initiate contact, but then I think...what's the point. I was blanked before, I will be again.

 

Keep at it, and keep strong

[gmoore]

Dude I feel your pain, just try and stay strong. Stick to NC, as tempting as it may be from time to time to push that button and send a txt, or call.

 

I'm 7 days into NC, 8 weeks into the BU. my ex is already seeing someone, and that to me as strange as it sounds make me smile, as it shows how strong I am and how much I actually did care for her. It's up to people to make their own mistakes in life, and if they don't, you've just got to wish them well.

 

I say this as I've fought the urge all day to initiate contact, but then I think...what's the point. I was blanked before, I will be again.

 

Keep at it, and keep strong

 

I hear you man, I'm hopefully going to stay clear enough that if she starts seeing someone else I won't hear about it.

 

On the other hand, if I do find out she's dating someone else within the next couple of months I'll know that her reasons for breaking up with me were cowardice and lies & I'll be able to 100% move on.

 

I'm not sure which is better right now: no new love interest & I feel like I'm in some sort of vague limbo(I'm not just waiting but you know how it is) or new love interest, I get angry, hurt and disgusted and move on no questions asked?

 

Only time will tell.

[Edtheduck]

I hear you man, I'm hopefully going to stay clear enough that if she starts seeing someone else I won't hear about it.

 

On the other hand, if I do find out she's dating someone else within the next couple of months I'll know that her reasons for breaking up with me were cowardice and lies & I'll be able to 100% move on.

 

I'm not sure which is better right now: no new love interest & I feel like I'm in some sort of vague limbo(I'm not just waiting but you know how it is) or new love interest, I get angry, hurt and disgusted and move on no questions asked?

 

Only time will tell.

 

What comforts me about me knowing (and her not knowing I know) she is seeing someone, is that the dude lives just as far away from her as I did. One of the main reasons she broke up with me was over distance and settling down either where I am or where she is...so you tell me!

 

If your ex gets with someone soon, you know you're the better person and ultimately have a lot more genuine feelings. Else they wouldn't be so cowardice and move on so quickly. That's the way I see it. I take my time to move on, it's just not natural to be with someone so soon after giving your all to your ex after so long.

 

Take your time, heal the wounds, and try not to think about things. I know I think all the time, but I know I treated her and her kids the best I could have, so I'm holding my head higher than high.

[gmoore]

What comforts me about me knowing (and her not knowing I know) she is seeing someone, is that the dude lives just as far away from her as I did. One of the main reasons she broke up with me was over distance and settling down either where I am or where she is...so you tell me!

 

If your ex gets with someone soon, you know you're the better person and ultimately have a lot more genuine feelings. Else they wouldn't be so cowardice and move on so quickly. That's the way I see it. I take my time to move on, it's just not natural to be with someone so soon after giving your all to your ex after so long.

 

Take your time, heal the wounds, and try not to think about things. I know I think all the time, but I know I treated her and her kids the best I could have, so I'm holding my head higher than high.

 

Definitely! Life has no guarantees & I know now that you can't live with expectations of your relationship if you aren't both nurturing it.

[gmoore]

She's in my dreams EVERY night. It's so hard, I wake up every morning looking for her only realize she's not there. It's a terrible feeling.