Why does love have to be so difficult?

[Matty]

Some people say that a nightclub is one of the worst places to meet people and start relationships, but just recently I have fallen in love and don't know what to do.

To start things off, I'm 20 years old, and haven't been with a girl in almost three years. I thought I really knew what love was... - that is untill about a month ago:

 

I met a girl at a local nightclub (friendly atmosphere - a bit different from the rageing clubs in town), who has really changed my life. For the sake of this story I'll call her Charlotte. Oh what the heck - her name's Charlene. A while after I met her, I found out that she was a flatmate of a good friend of mine. Anyway, I have been going out with her and my friend every weekend (not as a partner, but just as a friend) and I'm getting to know her a bit better. She is the most *beautiful* girl I have ever met, she has a great, caring personality, I can talk to her about almost anything, but most of all, regardless of everything, I am feeling something I have never felt before. Love. She has been known to be a fast mover, but I really want to take things slowly, to build a solid foundation for a long and loving relationship. The first hurdle is the fact that I don't know what she wants, wheather she feels for me what I feel for her, and basically I'm too afraid to ask her anything because I don't want to jump in to things, and for the fact that I'm afraid of what she'll think! (for all I know, I might goof it up, she may think I'm a real creep or something, or maybe I'm just in it for sex).

Now the real problem. I have an open relationship with my ex girlfriend, and I thought she might be able to help. I told her the situation, and she gave a simple reply of three words: "Don't go there". She said that Charlene had a history of "using" guys, being a snob, and thinks that she is too good for every other guy (bit of a contradiction). She said that if anything happened, don't count on it happening again. This just totally threw me, and I've been messed up over the whole situation and can't even think straignt.

Should I pursue a relationship, just make a fast move and sleep with her, or simply (maybe not so simply) give up?

I believe that someone's past should not get in the way of anything. I'd never dig up on anyone. If she has something she wants to tell me about her past, that's for her to say, and her to say only.

I really would like to get to know Charlene well. From what I've seen myself, she is not such a bad person. In fact, she is all that I have ever wanted in a partner, and more.

Say I ignore what other people have to say about her. Then what do I do? Do I ask her out on a "date", invite her to a game of laser strike with other friends, keep going out with her and my friend? I don't wan't to single her out, put the pressure on her that I like her the way I do. And yet, if I don't, I won't really know how she feels, and nothing further will happen. I'll be kicking myself for the rest of my life! I know I won't get over it!

I MUST tell her how I feel, but how do I with out embarrasing her, making a fool out of myself, or simply putting her on the spot? If I leave it too late, she'll find someone else and I'll never have that chance again. I know a relationship with her will be different than her others, for the fact that she treats me *totally* different from the other guys. She talks to me about life, and not just goss. She hugs and kisses other guys (even the ones she thinks are creeps) but spends the rest of the night with me. Maybe that means she would rather us stay friends.

 

What do I do?? I have never felt this way about *anyone* before, and I could never pass on this.

 

I'm losing sleep over it.

 

Matty

[LoveAngel]

Dear Matty,

 

 

Sorry for the delay in my response. I've been away.

 

 

Some people say that a nightclub is one of the worst places to meet people

 

Completely irrelevant.

 

 

and start relationships, but just recently I have fallen in love and don't know what to do.

 

To start things off, I'm 20 years old, and haven't been with a girl in almost three years. I thought I really knew what love was... - that is untill about a month ago:

 

 

I met a girl at a local nightclub (friendly atmosphere - a bit different from the rageing clubs in town), who has really changed my life. For the sake of this story I'll call her Charlotte. Oh what the heck - her name's Charlene. A while after I met her, I found out that she was a flatmate of a good friend of mine. Anyway, I have been going out with her and my friend every weekend (not as a partner, but just as a friend) and I'm getting to know her a bit better. She is the most *beautiful* girl I have ever met, she has a great, caring personality, I can talk to her about almost anything, but most of all, regardless of everything, I am feeling something I have never felt before. Love. She has been known to be a fast mover, but I really want to take things slowly, to build a solid foundation for a long and loving relationship. The first hurdle is the fact that I don't know what she wants, wheather she feels for me what I feel for her, and basically I'm too afraid to ask her anything because I don't want to jump in to things, and for the fact that I'm afraid of what she'll think! (for all I know, I might goof it up, she may think I'm a real creep or something, or maybe I'm just in it for sex).

 

 

Okay, first things first. You already know what you need to do. You can't read her mind, and you can't drug her and make her talk. You have to flat out ask her whatever it is you want or need to know. If you're afraid of what she'll think then what good is it in even bothering to pursue a relationship with her? She's an individual entitled to her own opinions and being involved with someone in an intimate relationship means being able to listen to and understand her points of view, even if they contradict yours. If she says she's not interested, well then you need to respect that and remain a close friend of hers. Who knows? In the future things might change or opportunities may open up. Instead of spending so much energy on trying to figure out exactly how she feels or what she wants, why not build up the courage to ask her? It's the simplest, quickest, and most rewarding method available.

 

 

Don't start to feel that you're inadequate either, because as a unique individual you are deserving of happiness and of successful relationships with anyone who you see fit to. You can't rely on the opinions of others. This is between you and her, not you, all your friends, all her friends, and her. Rather than pick up bits and pieces of rumors regarding what type of relationships she usually gets involve in, talk to her and get to know her better. Spend that time discovering her for yourself. Your relationship is going to be a unique one, different from any other either one of you has ever had. Relationships are like people. No two are the same. They may have similar characteristics or qualities, but they are each individually unique.

 

 

Now the real problem. I have an open relationship with my ex girlfriend, and I thought she might be able to help. I told her the situation, and she gave a simple reply of three words: "Don't go there". She said that Charlene had a history of "using" guys, being a snob, and thinks that she is too good for every other guy (bit of a contradiction). She said that if anything happened, don't count on it happening again. This just totally threw me, and I've been messed up over the whole situation and can't even think straignt.

 

 

This is definately a problem again with relying on others for information. You're taking the wrong approach. The opinions of others do not matter. Your ex-girlfriend may still have feelings of jealousy that are preventing her from giving you an accurate, unskewed opinion of Charlene. While you may have an open relationship, I'll be willing to bet that she wasn't the first person you went to for advice, nor the last. Instead of trying to hear as many different opinions as possible, again, take the time to discover her for yourself. It's the only way to approach it if you want to have a successful relationship. If you do both decide to pursue a relationship, then you need to have a strong foundation in communication with each other in order to achieve success. Rather than talking to your friends about problems you may be having you'll need to talk to her. Building that foundation now is critical. Don't ask for advice. Learn it from her through communication. Talk to her. Listen to her.

 

 

Should I pursue a relationship, just make a fast move and sleep with her, or simply (maybe not so simply) give up?

 

I believe that someone's past should not get in the way of anything. I'd never dig up on anyone. If she has something she wants to tell me about her past, that's for her to say, and her to say only.

 

I really would like to get to know Charlene well. From what I've seen myself, she is not such a bad person. In fact, she is all that I have ever wanted in a partner, and more.

 

Say I ignore what other people have to say about her. Then what do I do? Do I ask her out on a "date", invite her to a game of laser strike with other friends, keep going out with her and my friend? I don't wan't to single her out, put the pressure on her that I like her the way I do. And yet, if I don't, I won't really know how she feels, and nothing further will happen. I'll be kicking myself for the rest of my life! I know I won't get over it!

 

I MUST tell her how I feel, but how do I with out embarrasing her, making a fool out of myself, or simply putting her on the spot? If I leave it too late, she'll find someone else and I'll never have that chance again. I know a relationship with her will be different than her others, for the fact that she treats me *totally* different from the other guys. She talks to me about life, and not just goss. She hugs and kisses other guys (even the ones she thinks are creeps) but spends the rest of the night with me. Maybe that means she would rather us stay friends.

 

 

What do I do?? I have never felt this way about *anyone* before, and I could never pass on this.

 

 

Talk to her. Do not insult yourself or her by making this a one-night stand. If you really feel she's such a special person, then pursue something a lot deeper than casual, meaningless sex. It sounds like she's communicating to you. But are you doing the same with her? Rather than ask yourself questions about how she's feeling, ask her. If you shift your focus from reeling in advice and words of caution from your friends and other sources and expend that energy on getting to know her and voicing your concerns and feelings to her, you'll have the foundations of a relationship that is going to succeed and is going to be fruitful for you both. The truth is out there, and only you hold the key to discovering it. Talk to her! If you continue like this, your ship is going to pass you by. Best wishes to you and get some sleep. You'll feel better having rested in the morning.

 

 

Yours,

 

LoveAngel