i'm new here

[littleflowerpot]

i'm glad i found this place. i'm going through what feels like hell just trying to get over my mm (well, technically he's not married but has been with his gf for about six years and practically living together for the past three). i still love him so much but the pain and the feelings of debilitating loss and grief are too much for me. i feel unloved, neglected, abandoned.

 

i hope i'll make friends here. i have to find some way to cope.

[average guy]

Hi littleflowerpot,

 

I can't sympathise with the other woman (or man) cheating with someone in a marriage (or monogomous relationship) but I'm sure you will get over it with time. Never having been with someone who was involved with someone else, I'm not sure if the recovery process is any different, but if you keep yourself occupied with other things (movies, start a new night class doing something, etc.) time will soften your pain

 

Good luck

[Fancy]

You're feeling unloved because you're clearly second place in this guy's life. He hasn't abandoned or neglected you because he's not committed to you. He's committed to his girlfriend.

 

Why continue to let your self esteem suffer? Yes, you may love him, but this particular kind of love is destroying you. The more you pontificate over a taken man, the more you'll be miserable. If you're truly ready to give him up completely (meaning no emails, no phone calls, no visits) you'll find a lot of support here. There's dozens who've been right where you are today. You need to cut all contact and put away any reminders you may have of him. Get yourself out there..........join a gym, volunteer, call up some old friends and reconnect, visit with family, or work on a project you've been putting off. You need to start living life instead of playing second fiddle. No, it's not easy but it is possible if you're tired of living the way you're living now.

[kiababy]

I'm an OW. I want to offer you my support and friendship and let you know that some of us are still involved with their MM's (me), and others have made the break. There is some support and comfort here, but there are also a lot of harsh words from well-meaning people who don't understand, will never understand what it's like to fall in love for someone else's man and feel you can just 'move on' and 'get on with your life'. You're much farther along than I am - I hear your pain and grief; you're entitled to feel that way. Hope it starts to feel better soon sweetie. hugs

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Fancy

You're feeling unloved because you're clearly second place in this guy's life. He hasn't abandoned or neglected you because he's not committed to you. He's committed to his girlfriend.

 

Why continue to let your self esteem suffer? Yes, you may love him, but this particular kind of love is destroying you. The more you pontificate over a taken man, the more you'll be miserable. If you're truly ready to give him up completely (meaning no emails, no phone calls, no visits) you'll find a lot of support here. There's dozens who've been right where you are today. You need to cut all contact and put away any reminders you may have of him. Get yourself out there..........join a gym, volunteer, call up some old friends and reconnect, visit with family, or work on a project you've been putting off. You need to start living life instead of playing second fiddle. No, it's not easy but it is possible if you're tired of living the way you're living now.

 

thank you and i appreciate your advice. i know i am better than being second place. the only thing i would disagree with you about is that he has abandoned and neglected me. yes, he's committed to his gf but that does not mean he hasn't abandoned me. he has. we were friends first. he abandoned that.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by kiababy

I'm an OW. I want to offer you my support and friendship and let you know that some of us are still involved with their MM's (me), and others have made the break. There is some support and comfort here, but there are also a lot of harsh words from well-meaning people who don't understand, will never understand what it's like to fall in love for someone else's man and feel you can just 'move on' and 'get on with your life'. You're much farther along than I am - I hear your pain and grief; you're entitled to feel that way. Hope it starts to feel better soon sweetie. hugs

 

thank you. i already feel relief that there are other people that know how i feel. and you are right - people don't always understand. and i actually understand that. but relationships whether they are inappropriate or not are a lot more complicated and nuanced than some (even well-intentioned) people can understand unless they've been in that particular situation. thank you thank you thank you. just being understand offers much comfort.

 

and average guy, you sound anything but average to me.

[Fancy]

Originally posted by kiababy

There is some support and comfort here, but there are also a lot of harsh words from well-meaning people who don't understand, will never understand what it's like to fall in love for someone else's man and feel you can just 'move on' and 'get on with your life'.

 

I beg to differ. I do understand perfectly because I've been there myself. (He was separated intially and then went back to his wife.) My words may seem "harsh" but I speak the truth and don't sugarcoat anything. Every single person here can move on if and when they choose to. We are all in control of ourselves and in our destinies. If we lose control of either it's because we've allowed it to happen. That doesn't mean it can't be regained, though. It just depends on how content we are living in misery.

[Nubianangel]

littleflowerpot,

I'm an OW as well. My situation is similar to yours, my guy is not married but he's had a gf for years now and they've been living together for 2 years.

 

Just as Kiababy is offering a listening ear, so am I if you ever need someone to talk to. I think that's what a lot of OW are looking for, someone to talk to and someone who can relate.

 

Welcome aboard and try to be strong.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by Nubianangel

littleflowerpot,

I'm an OW as well. My situation is similar to yours, my guy is not married but he's had a gf for years now and they've been living together for 2 years.

 

Just as Kiababy is offering a listening ear, so am I if you ever need someone to talk to. I think that's what a lot of OW are looking for, someone to talk to and someone who can relate.

 

Welcome aboard and try to be strong.

 

thank you very much. it feels good to be able to come here and vent to other people that can understand what i'm feeling and be a little less judgemental about it.

[average guy]

and average guy, you sound anything but average to me.

 

Thank you, Littleflowerpot

 

Cheers,

 

A.G.

[kirkyswife]

First I'd go to Mt. Soledad at Sunrise (when it feels like the world is still asleep and God's ear is closer) and pray for inner peace, freedom from pain, love of yourself and forgiveness for the affair.

 

San Diego offers so many things to do year round and meeting single, emotionally available men is relatively easy. I'd take a nice little vacation - Rosarito (have $5 lobsters on the beach) or down to Cozumel for a spa session. I'd do something that I've always wanted to do for instance go back to college or take a language class or start a new hobby. The idea is to allow yourself time to heal and get to know yourself and ultimately what you want out of life and then go to your destiny.

 

As for losing your friend - I suppose that's the hand karma dealt and you have to forgive yourself for that. I wish you luck through your healing process and hope that you heal so that you can meet the single, emotionally available man that you are destined to spend your life with.

 

Take care.

[amanda25]

Originally posted by littleflowerpot

i'm glad i found this place. i'm going through what feels like hell just trying to get over my mm (well, technically he's not married but has been with his gf for about six years and practically living together for the past three). i still love him so much but the pain and the feelings of debilitating loss and grief are too much for me. i feel unloved, neglected, abandoned.

 

i hope i'll make friends here. i have to find some way to cope.

 

Being second does suck! I've been there as well....Is he talking to you or anything? How long ago did you break up? If he's with someone else, let him be, he didn't deserve ya anyway...And don't be second best, NO man is worth that!!

Good Luck!!

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by kirkyswife

First I'd go to Mt. Soledad at Sunrise (when it feels like the world is still asleep and God's ear is closer) and pray for inner peace, freedom from pain, love of yourself and forgiveness for the affair.

 

San Diego offers so many things to do year round and meeting single, emotionally available men is relatively easy. I'd take a nice little vacation - Rosarito (have $5 lobsters on the beach) or down to Cozumel for a spa session. I'd do something that I've always wanted to do for instance go back to college or take a language class or start a new hobby. The idea is to allow yourself time to heal and get to know yourself and ultimately what you want out of life and then go to your destiny.

 

As for losing your friend - I suppose that's the hand karma dealt and you have to forgive yourself for that. I wish you luck through your healing process and hope that you heal so that you can meet the single, emotionally available man that you are destined to spend your life with.

 

Take care.

 

thanks for the advice. of course, most of your advice sounds a bit patronizing and judgemental but at least you tried.

 

i am currently in therapy. the best part about therapy is that your therapist is non-judgemental and is there for you. through therapy, i've come to terms with all the self-destruction i've put myself through. all the blame and guilt and negative feelings i've built up over the past years that have helped to hurt me. thank God, i don't want to kick my own ass so much anymore as i want to heal and get past this. thank God i don't believe so much in this karma you promote as i do in coming to know yourself and learning from what you've lived. i don't think God wants me to kick my own ass anymore.

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by amanda25

Being second does suck! I've been there as well....Is he talking to you or anything? How long ago did you break up? If he's with someone else, let him be, he didn't deserve ya anyway...And don't be second best, NO man is worth that!!

Good Luck!!

 

our relationship is complicated much as i suppose any other relationship is. we've been involved as friends first and then a romantic involvement for about 4 years. there were times we decided we could not be involved romantically and then there were times that boundaries were crossed again. we haven't been physically intimate for about a year now but the emotional entanglements were still there and still as difficult. we've tried the being friends thing but it doesn't really work for me. there is too much pain there.

 

we do talk. breaking up is hard and sometimes we do talk about our feelings. not very much right now though. in fact, he's calling me today. i think we need to completely stay away from each other - maybe not forever but at least until i'm no longer feeling as i do now. i need time away from this to fall out of love. so today is sorta about saying goodbye and getting closure. i'm really nervous and i'm afraid i'll forget to say things. i really don't know how to handle it. but i'll do my best.

 

and thank you.

[amanda25]

our relationship is complicated much as i suppose any other relationship is. we've been involved as friends first and then a romantic involvement for about 4 years. there were times we decided we could not be involved romantically and then there were times that boundaries were crossed again. we haven't been physically intimate for about a year now but the emotional entanglements were still there and still as difficult. we've tried the being friends thing but it doesn't really work for me. there is too much pain there.

 

we do talk. breaking up is hard and sometimes we do talk about our feelings. not very much right now though. in fact, he's calling me today. i think we need to completely stay away from each other - maybe not forever but at least until i'm no longer feeling as i do now. i need time away from this to fall out of love. so today is sorta about saying goodbye and getting closure. i'm really nervous and i'm afraid i'll forget to say things. i really don't know how to handle it. but i'll do my best.

 

Well, today when he calls you, maybe you should tell him just that..That You need time w/out anything to do with him, to figure things out for yourself as far as getting over him, etc...

Good Luck to you in all, and keep your chin up!! You'll do fine!!

[littleflowerpot]

thank you, amanda. i feel stronger today and i know this is something i hae to do for ME. i expect i'll get off the phone feeling upset but i know in the long run that this will be the best thing for me, for him and definitely for her.