A different problem

[jaystrong]

My wife (soon to be ex) and i are going thorugh the divorce process. We were married 30 years; married young I was 20 and she was 18. Our daughter is grown and has a life of her own; so no children to deal with.

 

She has had trouble working because of her health. For the past 10 years she was a housewife, had given up trying to work even from home.

 

We split up after 3 years of trying to work it out. Nothing major, it was just a 1000 papercuts that bled our marriage dry.

 

Now she is living on her own. I have moved in with my girlfriend; a wonderful woman who loves me very much. We never fight which is a big change from the end of my marriage; except for 1 thing. I am giving my soon-to-be-ex more then half of my paycheck. My ex-wife will call me or text me that she can't afford things; like to pay her bills or her asthma medication. I will then give her a couple hundred dollars. She needed her teeth fixed so i paid her dental bills.

 

Now my current girlfriend found out that i was giving my ex money and she flipped out. She says that i should be over my ex, that my ex is just using me as an ATM. She is probably right.

 

I still have feelings for my ex. She was the love of my life for 27 of the past 30 years. Even after therapy i still feel i could have done more to keep our marraige going. I guess i also feel guilt over our breakup because it was i that asked for the divorce. So when she tells me she can't make it financially and i have some extra in the bank, i give it to her.

 

So how do you all feel about this? Am i right to give her money? Am i just enabling her? Am i being used? Or am i being a nice guy?

 

Oh, one last thing. I hired a lawyer because i knew i couldn't say no to her. She couldn't afford a lawyer and i refused to pay one for her (on advice from my lawyer). I recently looked at our bank account, the one she is still using. I saw that she paid an attorney out of the money i gave her, thinking i was giving her money to help pay her bills. Maybe i am a being a sucker.

[whichwayisup]

30 years, plus children just doesn't disappear and your wife stopped working so she could raise the kids. That is a job in itself. And now she has health issues so it's harder for her to find a job that will hire her.

 

Your gf has no right to dictate what amount you give your ex. That's none of her business. Sorry to be blunt there. You know your wife, so do you think she is using you? Malciously? Trying to mess you over on purpose, trying to get as much money out of you as possible? My guess is no.. She probably is lonely and alone, and she still is relying on you for money because she isn't capable of working (right now. Will she in the future?)

 

Your wife has to learn to not depend on you for every nickel and dime! She has to LEARN how control her spending and budget the money.

[standtall]

JS, let the court sort it out. Tell your current GF that you were being civil in the meantime...the court will order you yo keep paying for certain things anyway. You just can't make a spouse financially Houdini after 30 yrs..besides that would be wrong.

[Steen719]

My wife (soon to be ex) and i are going thorugh the divorce process. We were married 30 years; married young I was 20 and she was 18. Our daughter is grown and has a life of her own; so no children to deal with.

 

She has had trouble working because of her health. For the past 10 years she was a housewife, had given up trying to work even from home.

 

We split up after 3 years of trying to work it out. Nothing major, it was just a 1000 papercuts that bled our marriage dry.

 

Now she is living on her own. I have moved in with my girlfriend; a wonderful woman who loves me very much. We never fight which is a big change from the end of my marriage; except for 1 thing. I am giving my soon-to-be-ex more then half of my paycheck. My ex-wife will call me or text me that she can't afford things; like to pay her bills or her asthma medication. I will then give her a couple hundred dollars. She needed her teeth fixed so i paid her dental bills.

 

Now my current girlfriend found out that i was giving my ex money and she flipped out. She says that i should be over my ex, that my ex is just using me as an ATM. She is probably right.

 

I still have feelings for my ex. She was the love of my life for 27 of the past 30 years. Even after therapy i still feel i could have done more to keep our marraige going. I guess i also feel guilt over our breakup because it was i that asked for the divorce. So when she tells me she can't make it financially and i have some extra in the bank, i give it to her.

 

So how do you all feel about this? Am i right to give her money? Am i just enabling her? Am i being used? Or am i being a nice guy?

 

Oh, one last thing. I hired a lawyer because i knew i couldn't say no to her. She couldn't afford a lawyer and i refused to pay one for her (on advice from my lawyer). I recently looked at our bank account, the one she is still using. I saw that she paid an attorney out of the money i gave her, thinking i was giving her money to help pay her bills. Maybe i am a being a sucker.

 

You might not like what I am going to say..it is just my opinion.

 

You are with a new girlfriend and the word here is NEW. Of course, things are happy, better, loving. That is how new relationships are. That's OK, if this is what you want. I see a few issues here. One, you are looking at your wife through new relationship glasses and another is that your girlfriend flipped out when she found out you gave your STBXW money. It is not her money, she wasn't married to her for 30 years and if it is not taking away from communal money, as in you have your money together or she has to pay for you because your STBXW is getting your money, then she is controlling you and you are not even married to the woman. She thinks you should be over your STBXW?? After 30 years? Your STBXW is unable to work because of health problems and you should just act like you were not married to her?

 

I am not saying you should stay with your wife. You and your lawyers can decide what you need to do about the money. I understand this is not what you are looking for and it is unsolicited advice, but I would have concerns down the road if your daughter or grandchildren needed help that this girlfriend might object to that as well. I don't know her, of course, but the gf seems a little unrealistic and self-serving. My 2 cents

[jwi71]

I'm going to have to agree with your GF.

 

You are divorced.

You an your xW agreed on x amount per month so stick to it. Your xW is your past. You owe her NOTHING. Your xW agreed to the amount and it is now time for HER to fend for herself. She is no longer of any concern to you.

 

Except she is.

 

And if that doesn't tell you anything than your as dense as iron.

 

Dump the GF - you're slowly driving her away.

 

Go to IC and work through these feelings.

 

Or, crazily enough, ask your xW to dinner.

 

You clearly aren't "done" with your xW....

[wheream_i]

If you are still financially responsible for your ex or at least feel obligated as well as still have feelings for her, then I think you moved on/in with your new gf way too soon.

[jaystrong]

Thanks to all of you who repsonded to my problem. I am thinking of all that has been said here.

 

I agree with you standtall and whichwayisup and after discussing this situation with my current GF, I agreed, with my lawyers advice, to continue to support my STBXW, but in a limited way. I would support her with only what the estimated court spousal support would be. My lawyer was able to figure this out because in CA that amount is determeined by a formula.

 

When i told STBXW this she was most unhappy. I guess that she thought i would continue to pay for her expenses even after i was divorced. But ultimately this is good for her. She wanted to be free to "discover herself", so now she can be. I will continue to think of her and care for her, but i just can't support her more than that.

 

PS: I looked at our joint bank account; the one the STBX is still using. I found that she paid a lawyer a substanial sum of money. I have no objections to her hiring a lawyer. Its just that when she told me that i "had" to hire a lawyer for her if i got one for myself that i told her she was crazy. I told her if she wanted a lawyer that she could have one, but i was not paying for one. I told her there is pro-bono lawyers especailly for women divorcees. But now it seemed she conned her way into making me pay for a lawyer by using money i gave her for bills, etc. on a lawyer. That does makes me feel like a sucker.

[HVane]

Give your ex spousal support, period.

 

If there's still an issue, then that's a GF problem.