Has anyone on this forum gotten back together with their ex?

[Svet74]

This is to fizzygirl, I do agree with you and the other guy about nc and how it's lame to use it to get your ex back. I tried it and it didn't work because I still knew in a month or whatever we would be on talking terms. However in the end I went back to nc and this time to heal myself and move on. When me and my ex were on talking terms I was open and honest about my feelings and asked him to be open and honest with me. He refused to do that but instead only made fun of me. I was shocked thinking things were gonna get better because finally instead of going silent all the time I'm gonna just tell him the truth and after all he did agree to work on the relationship. Well his actions spoke different. So I just let it go and this time to finally move on. It's been nearly 3 months since last time we talked. But yes I think nc is pointless when your trying to get your ex back but if they refuse to communicate with you then just let it go.

[gibson]

I don't think many people on here have actually had a recon that actually worked out long term. If they did they would be giving advice to the rest of us!

 

Reconciliations happen all the time all around you. I bet you know of one or several family members, fiends or co-workers who reconciled with an Ex.

 

Also, there is no foolproof / guaranteed method to get someone to want to be with you, stay with you or to get them to come back.

 

1. Love is a choice.

 

2. People have free will.

 

3. You cannot beg, plead, convince, guilt, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to want to be with you.

 

4. All you can do is be yourself. Some people like who you are and some people won't.

 

5. Some people are looking / want to settle down and are actively pursing that. Others are just looking for / having fun, dating around, entering and leaving relationships, etc.

 

6. If someone does not know who they are, want they want or what love is... You can't tell them who they are, what they want and make them understand what love is.

[FizzyGirl]

This is to fizzygirl, I do agree with you and the other guy about nc and how it's lame to use it to get your ex back. I tried it and it didn't work because I still knew in a month or whatever we would be on talking terms. However in the end I went back to nc and this time to heal myself and move on. When me and my ex were on talking terms I was open and honest about my feelings and asked him to be open and honest with me. He refused to do that but instead only made fun of me. I was shocked thinking things were gonna get better because finally instead of going silent all the time I'm gonna just tell him the truth and after all he did agree to work on the relationship. Well his actions spoke different. So I just let it go and this time to finally move on. It's been nearly 3 months since last time we talked. But yes I think nc is pointless when your trying to get your ex back but if they refuse to communicate with you then just let it go.

 

Aww! Don't get me wrong, no contact is fine when it's a mutual agreement. I just don't believe in repeatedly ignoring someone. If he's totally ignoring you and he's not keeping his word of trying to work on your relationship, then you're right not to pursue him. Pushing for something only pushes people away. Relationships only work the second (or third, whatever) time around when you're both prepared to forgive, and you have to forgive yourself for any mishaps as well as the other person. If one person can't do that, then it won't work. I'm sorry your ex wasn't more grown up about things.

[Svet74]

He never ignored me or anything like with phone calls he would always call back.. but he did avoid the topic of working things out or wanting to. he would say one thing but do completely the other.. when i would tell him just let me go since you dont wanna make things work,, he would not let me go. but come chasing if i threatened to leave. but when i would be all normal and not bring up the topic he wouldnt say anything either. long story short of got sick of it all and just had to be the bigger person in the situation.. and let him go myself. he didnt even put up a fight.. im sure that he saw it as if thats what she wants. clearly thats not what i wanted. but i had no choice either

[MissBee]

I came here 3 years ago because of a breakup and like so many others my main concern was to find every way possible to get back together.

 

We did not and I'm glad. Instead of getting back with my ex, I focused on myself, grew tremendously and attracted a better relationship with a new person that I liked even more. At the time it didn't seem possible and for many currently heartbroken the ex seems like the greatest ever...but it's not true.

 

No one is your last chance at love and instead of trying to get back together, it's better to grow and believe that something better is in store, because 9/10 times that is the case!

[fetish1980]

^ agreed.

 

and that's the reason why so many people hold on and try to stay in bad relationships. They can't see what's in front of them and fear the unknown. But they can't see the possible good that may lie ahead of them if only they take the time to take the focus off their past relationship, work on themselves, and believe.

 

fetish

[fucpcg]

Well take it from a 42 year old, it doesn't get better every single next relationship. That's the crap that always gets thrown around in here. That, and:

 

* the dumper is evil and the dumpee got nothing wrong

* the next relationship will be soo much better

* any relationship that goes thru a breakup is not worth fighting for

* when you meet the right person NOTHING will ever go wrong you will just be happy forever without ever fighting or needing a break.

 

Of all the dating I've done 42 years, it's ended up into 6 long term relationships from 1 to 6 years in length. Of those, 3 of the women were absolutely, truly special to me. Those 3 we had chemistry, we were best friends, we were perfectly matched. I met these women at 21, 28, 40 years of age. None of them lasted, however I know they were very special women, and that alone cannot make something go the distance. The 21 year old one, she went on to get married, divorced, and now her and I are great friends, who would probably be dating if we didn't live 1,000 miles apart. The 28 year old one, she is happily married now with children to a great guy, and we almost got back together, however a move once again got in the way. This last girl at 40, most special yet, but scars from her past and mine came back to haunt us. It led to a breakup that she can't move past, at least not at the moment.

 

This is what led to my initial post in here. 42 years of dating has led to 3 truly special women, and contrary to popular belief, every relationship coming after a breakup was NOT better than the one previous. When you find someone special, it doesn't just go like clockwork. It takes work. And desire. And devotion. And the ability to understand, forgive, move forward. Where a bone breaks, it heals back stronger. If you are on hard times with a good person, who you know you love, you are insane to think the next one will be that much better and different.

[fucpcg]

I've got more "blood on my hands" from this last breakup than any previous. That is crazy when I look at it, because I have more maturity than ever, more experience than ever, and as a guy with 5 sisters who I love dearly, I STRIVE to be the best man/boyfriend possible, always. So how did I get it all wrong then? Good question.... one I've studied for the past year plus. For one, things happened in this relationship that had never happened before, even at age 42. Trust me this girl has plenty she should atone for, but I am not free from sin. And where I may have screwed up at certain parts, her behaviour at times has been really, really, really, bad. However we did have something truly special, my life experience tells me that. I KNOW some day she will come back to talk to me, history does repeat itself. I just hope its not too late, because at some point down the road, we will either be together, or further down the road we will be talking about what a shame it was that we didn't get back together. I hope it's not the latter, but like I said before, I have officially done all I can, the rest is now up to her.

[Reddice]

Well take it from a 42 year old, it doesn't get better every single next relationship. That's the crap that always gets thrown around in here. That, and:

 

* the dumper is evil and the dumpee got nothing wrong

* the next relationship will be soo much better

* any relationship that goes thru a breakup is not worth fighting for

* when you meet the right person NOTHING will ever go wrong you will just be happy forever without ever fighting or needing a break.

 

Of all the dating I've done 42 years, it's ended up into 6 long term relationships from 1 to 6 years in length. Of those, 3 of the women were absolutely, truly special to me. Those 3 we had chemistry, we were best friends, we were perfectly matched. I met these women at 21, 28, 40 years of age. None of them lasted, however I know they were very special women, and that alone cannot make something go the distance. The 21 year old one, she went on to get married, divorced, and now her and I are great friends, who would probably be dating if we didn't live 1,000 miles apart. The 28 year old one, she is happily married now with children to a great guy, and we almost got back together, however a move once again got in the way. This last girl at 40, most special yet, but scars from her past and mine came back to haunt us. It led to a breakup that she can't move past, at least not at the moment.

 

This is what led to my initial post in here. 42 years of dating has led to 3 truly special women, and contrary to popular belief, every relationship coming after a breakup was NOT better than the one previous. When you find someone special, it doesn't just go like clockwork. It takes work. And desire. And devotion. And the ability to understand, forgive, move forward. Where a bone breaks, it heals back stronger. If you are on hard times with a good person, who you know you love, you are insane to think the next one will be that much better and different.

 

 

Sometimes I think that the older we get and the more life experience we gain, the harder it gets to make a relationship really work. Perhaps we all reach a certain point where the baggage that we are carrying is just too much too handle for one of the partners. You might even find yourself in a situation where you are the only one who's really fighting for the relationship, because the other person is just too damaged to make it work. Or perhaps we are too damaged to live with or accept the other person's baggage. Life certainly has a strange sense of humor.

[Svet74]

Baggege?? Lol Im 24 and my ex was 26... Now i thought he had baggage.. NOw i got baggege because i cant move forward.. yet alone trust anyone else..

 

I cant imagine when i turn 42..

 

HOpefully by that point im married or with kids at least. That way if the marriage doesnt last I at least have my kids

[fucpcg]

Sometimes I think that the older we get and the more life experience we gain, the harder it gets to make a relationship really work. Perhaps we all reach a certain point where the baggage that we are carrying is just too much too handle for one of the partners. You might even find yourself in a situation where you are the only one who's really fighting for the relationship, because the other person is just too damaged to make it work. Or perhaps we are too damaged to live with or accept the other person's baggage. Life certainly has a strange sense of humor.

 

This is EXACTLY where my last relationship failed. She STRUGGLED when we first got together, and I put up with sooo much, trying to make it work. When I finally gave up hope and broke up with her, it was a huge reality check for her. She basically begged me to get back together, and I took a week to think about it before doing so.... and after all that went wrong those first couple months, there was one thing that I truly believed in my heart, that this girl WAS a good girl at heart, she was just well scarred up. I made the decision I wasn't going to let anything that happened before I came along, throw away us having a chance at something special, and I gave it one more go, and infinitely glad I did. Ultimately, the same thing happened in reverse a year later, I let a lot of things come back to haunt me, and it came out on her, and I didn't see it at the time, but I SURE see it now. I've tried to talk, I've tried, tried, tried, but she has totally shut down on me. I could move on right now to Mrs. Next, but I love the one I was just with, like I've loved no other. Waiting/hoping she can get a grip, and calm down, and come back to the table to talk is just one more thing I am willing to do, in hopes we can fix this. Like I said before, I don't care about anything that we went thru together, or what she put me thru, I know what we had. This might just be one more missed opportunity unfortunately, but as I keep saying, I'd rather go to my grave knowing I always fought for love, then to shut down, move on, and just say something along the lines of "screw her I'll just move on plenty of women want me".

 

I am sure there are plenty in here who came from real crap relationships, sure don't fight to save those. If it was crap, be honest and move on. Us in here can't answer that question for others, you need to be able to answer yourself. But if you were with someone special, and something went wrong to the point of breakup, basically it was bound to happen. No relationship DOESN'T hit that point, they all will. How you, and your partner respond, will mean everything. Like I keep saying, I've done all I can. I am glad to sit her and wait currently to see what she does, if anything, and that to me sounds WAAAAY better than just dating the next girl. I won't turn down the next shot I see at real chemistry with a woman, if I sense it I'll take it, I'm not an idiot. But I'm NOT going to "date" just to keep myself busy and distracted. I'd rather be alone and patient.

[Svet74]

thats how i feel.. and i still took a chance even with my exes past being the way it is because we had such a good connection. well u learn from it and move on it guess

[CopingGal]

I got back with my ex and at first it was wonderful. Then I found out he lied throughout the whole thing and did things behind my back including cheating. I regret getting back with him. I thought if we went to therapy it would be okay, but he lied to the therapist over and over again and only pretended to be serious about therapy. Getting back with him was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

[Sugarkane]

Gibson- I can only think of a couple of people who had on/ off relationships. Don't know anyone else who actually had a recon. These were constantly off and on, until someone who cared about them (family) stepped in. And asked thus isn't healthy you've got to make your mind up because this isn't healthy and something isn't working. As I've dated some jerks/ Aholes a recon wouldn't even be worth it to me. I'd rather be single.

[Sugarkane]

This is why I'm skeptical as I said in another thread. That I had one ex contact me ages ago. He begged to meet me. Then stood me up, blamed the whole breakup on me ( he wanted to be single), then verbally abused me by text (coward). I think people think it's going to be all sunshine and that their ex has changed. Didn't happen to me.

[robaday]

Tbh, from my perspective its about setting boundaries within the first 3 months of being together that will determine the future. I let too much stuff go way back when my boundaries were crossed, you think, hey im an easy going guy, guess it doesnt matter this one time.

 

But it comes back to haunt you especially for reconciliations. The way they treat you up to and including the break up, is what you need to remember if you want to get back together.

 

They can beg, plead, or harrass you into believing they love you and only want you. But I guarantee once you let them in, they go back to their old ways.

[Tree_Salmon]

I play zero games. I don't care about NC and all that other BS tactics to get an ex back. There was a time that she screwed up so bad that I broke up with her. After taking a week to calm down, I invited her over to talk, we worked thru it, she became the most special woman in my life for the next year. Then I screwed up for a while, she dumped me, refuses to talk, NC for over a year now, has told not nice stories about me.... whatever. If she wanted to talk, I would, because I've been around long enough to know that you just don't find chemistry like that with too many people in life. Hey we all F up, and I have no interest in the past (other than to learn from it), I only care what the future can bring. I did all I could to get her to open up, she won't do it. If/when she chooses to, I will never ignore her. If I meet someone else I have that kind of chemistry with in the meantime, it will be too late for my ex, should she call, but until then, the door sits open. This past year has been hard as hell, but I am being true to me, and my heart, and I can (somewhat) sleep knowing that 5, 10, 20 years down the road, I won't be the one knowing I threw this one away, and quite the opposite actually. Who will be thinking about this one that far down the road?? Both of us, I guarantee it. Take it from a 42 year old that's crossed this road before.

 

Can't tell you how accurate and helpful this has been in making me come to some really important realizations this week.