Question for the Dumper & Dumpees...

[Gulf-Delta]

Broken up for 4 months. LC for 1.

 

I think about her every hour I'm awake and sometimes when I sleep too.

[oldshirt]

I'm in my upper 40s and I had several serious, long-term relationships before meeting my wife and getting married back in the mid 90s.

 

For a couple of those relationships I was the dumpee and for a couple I was the dumper.

 

As the dumpee, I was pretty hurt and like the other poster in the first few days and weeks I was pretty consumed by it. but as others reported, the amount of time spent stewing about it and the intensity of of it decreased bit by bit with each passing day.

 

As the dumper I still had memories and there were times of self-doubt on whether I was doing the right thing or not but it was no where near as painfull and consuming as being the dumpee.

 

As the dumper it's not like you are fully invested in the relationship on Sunday night and then decide to break it off on Monday morning. You begin to detach and de-invest for weeks, months or even years before you actually drop the ax.

 

In one LTR I was in I knew for about 6-9 months that it wasn't going to work and that I was eventually going to leave. I have known people who divorced their spouses who had been unhappy and planning the divorce for multiple years before they actually went through with it and by the time they formally dumped their ex, the actual break-up was simply a formality.

 

It's always more painfull and more traumatic for the dumpee that thinks everything is OK and is still fully invested in the relationship and then they get blindsided.

 

Here's an interested little tidbit of info though. Even to this day I still will have thoughts of all of my ex's at some point or another. Something will remind me of them or trigger a memory whether good or bad.

 

If you truly love someone and have sincere deep feelings for them, they will always be a part of you (unless you are some kind of sociopath or psychopath or something)

 

Feelings of pain and anger and anguish will dissapate over time but memories and feelings will always linger to one degree or another. And those memories don't have necessarily have any actual impact on your life in the present now and don't necessarily evoke any kind of emotional response, they are just there.

[oldshirt]

sorry to ask a wrong question here but wondering if this is a normal reaction of dumper.

Dumper broke up, disconnected all means of communications (even changed number without notifying dumpee), does it mean an end, dumper never wants to see dumpee again??

 

 

yes. yes it does.

[Texsec]

It will be one year in a week. I think about it everyday, 75% of the time. Still live in the house we remodeled and bought everything together in. Recently had a Cat 5 freak out in a MRI tube after drifting off and having a dream about her. Woke up and suddenly had to get out. Had to repeat the test.

Married 5 years, together 7, just one day she was picking out carpet, a week later she was gone....My sleep has been disrupted, 3-4 hours a night. My bedroom is my enemy.

[CopingGal]

Dumper- dumped bf due to being ignored. Thought about him about 99.9% of the time, it's a little less now.

 

Found out he cheated on me and lied to me about everthing under the sun.

 

Was getting much better until he told the world on facebook he didn't regret his actions.

 

Went to thinking about him 99.9% of the time with anger.

 

Better now, anger is less, think about him less, but still most of the time.

[Svet74]

Texec if I were you I would move get a new house or something. As for everyone else I personally think that it doesn't matter if you were the one being dumped or the one dumping . If u got dumped for no good valid reason you will be hurt and it will be forever to get over. If your the one dumping because the one your dumping is being distant weird or whatever you wanna call it that is still the same as them dumping you. Bottom line it hurts more if the relationship ended because of them and not you. Whether you did the dumping or them dumping you

[Breeze1964]

I was dumped a few weeks ago. He is a childhood friend who I reconnected with on facebook last year...we only dated a few months, and he is now involved with someone 20 years younger, who he stated to me was the "love of his life"..yeah right...ran into a friend of his who told me she was a "party girl"...we are closer in age and have more in common...I feel like he is going through a mid life crisis as he is turning 50...I defriended him on FB and have thought of nothing but him...I feel like I am brokern in as thousand pieces inside and am so sad over this...how should I cope with this? Can I ever get back to a friendship with him???:(

[dsw31]

I was dumped a few weeks ago. He is a childhood friend who I reconnected with on facebook last year...we only dated a few months, and he is now involved with someone 20 years younger, who he stated to me was the "love of his life"..yeah right...ran into a friend of his who told me she was a "party girl"...we are closer in age and have more in common...I feel like he is going through a mid life crisis as he is turning 50...I defriended him on FB and have thought of nothing but him...I feel like I am brokern in as thousand pieces inside and am so sad over this...how should I cope with this? Can I ever get back to a friendship with him???:(

 

I'm sorry to hear that Breeze!

I know how it feels to be broken in a thousand pieces.Heck...I'm broken into so many pieces I think I've turned to dust!

 

I don't think being friends with him would be a good idea though.Atleast not while you still have feelings for him.

 

Goodluck & keep posting here whenever you need to.

[dsw31]

It will be one year in a week. I think about it everyday, 75% of the time. Still live in the house we remodeled and bought everything together in. Recently had a Cat 5 freak out in a MRI tube after drifting off and having a dream about her. Woke up and suddenly had to get out. Had to repeat the test.

Married 5 years, together 7, just one day she was picking out carpet, a week later she was gone....My sleep has been disrupted, 3-4 hours a night. My bedroom is my enemy.

 

I'm so sorry Texsec,

7 years is a long time.I only sleep about 4 hours a night now too & I feel like it has really started to take a toll on me.I think I almost went into psychosis a couple of weeks ago!

 

I don't think moving would be an option for you but, if you haven't already done so...maybe you can rearrange your furniture around & paint the walls a new color? That may help you feel like your bedroom is not the "enemy"

[dsw31]

Dumper- dumped bf due to being ignored. Thought about him about 99.9% of the time, it's a little less now.

 

Found out he cheated on me and lied to me about everthing under the sun.

 

Was getting much better until he told the world on facebook he didn't regret his actions.

 

Went to thinking about him 99.9% of the time with anger.

 

Better now, anger is less, think about him less, but still most of the time.

 

CopingGal,

 

How long have you been broken up now? I read some of your posts & I remember you saying your ex has a cluster B personality disorder?Mine does too!

(BPD/NPD with possible Bipolar overlapping)

 

I hate to say this but I think I have some sort of personality disorder too (possible bipolar/NPD) and I think that's why I'm so hooked on his toxicity.We just had a text convo tonight & he said "I am fantasizing about punching you in the face".And I STILL WANT HIM! I must be crazy!

 

I hope everyone on LS can both recover from all this devastation soon.It's rough!

[dsw31]

Broken up for 4 months. LC for 1.

 

I think about her every hour I'm awake and sometimes when I sleep too.

 

Gulf Delta,

 

I am just as guilty so I'm not really one to talk but...you gotta stop all contact! It's really the only way to begin to heal.I wish I could take my own advice!

[dsw31]

"Dumper" here, although I dumped due to being treated poorly/ not feeling cared about, not bc of lack of feeling: I spend a GOOD portion of my day thinking about him, wondering if he even cared that I dumped him, if he hates me, if I have lost him forever, if I overreacted, etc. It's only been 8 days, however...

 

I'm sorry you are going through this mybodyisacage!

 

I think Svet was the one who mentioned that the dumpers can be hurt too (if they feel like they made the wrong decision)You most likely made the right decision though.

If he was mistreating you & didn't show that he cared-you are better off without him.

 

Stay strong! You have the upper hand now.Either he will come back to you trying to change,, or he may be gone for good but, just know that if he does not come back...it's because your instinct was right.

 

Either way you come out as a winner! Good for you for taking a stand & dumping him.I wish I had the brains to do that to my ex.Keep us updated.

[dsw31]

Been just over 3 months. Dumpee. Think about her 80-90%. I have to tho, we share a child and I'm the process of getting her back. Who knows if it will work but I'm on a good path.

 

Good luck with the custody thing.

Sorry you have to go through that hinatticus.

[raspberry.12]

yes. yes it does.

 

I know it does, but deep inside my heart I am still hoping for a miracle

He said "I do love you" but how could he went that cold?

[dsw31]

I know it does, but deep inside my heart I am still hoping for a miracle

He said "I do love you" but how could he went that cold?

 

Raspberry,

I know it sucks & I know how much you are hurting right now but, consider it him doing you a favor.If you guys had contact with each other, it would just prolong the pain.Trust me...I have contact with my ex & it just devastates me more each & every time we speak.I think it would be easier if my ex changed his number.Best of luck in your journey to healing & post here as much as you need to.

[raspberry.12]

Raspberry,

I know it sucks & I know how much you are hurting right now but, consider it him doing you a favor.If you guys had contact with each other, it would just prolong the pain.Trust me...I have contact with my ex & it just devastates me more each & every time we speak.I think it would be easier if my ex changed his number.Best of luck in your journey to healing & post here as much as you need to.

 

thanks dsw31, I have read some of your posts about how you & your ex keep in contact, even though your ex has BPD, cheating..but you are still in love with him. Love is blind sometimes, isn't it? I was the same with my ex ex, even though I knew him cheated and lied to me so many times but I still trusted him, and always back to his arms everytime he came back.

However, with my recent ex, he was a greatest guy I ever met, he loved & cared for me a lot, treated me like a princess and never made me sad, the reason he decided to leave me because of my family issue and he couldn't stand it. And I knew I made him disappointed too for not caring for his feelings. I blamed myself a lot for making my life harder and losing the love of my life:(:(

[RiRi]

Alot of sympathy goes to the dumpee, but no everyone thinks about the hurt and pain the dumper has had to endure.

 

As the dumper, you know you are not happy in the relationship. You try to make both of you happy, but you are feeling short changed in some way. Your partner is not living up to your expectations anymore. It really hurts and its really sad. The truth is, the dumper will have done all the crying and soul searching before D-Day of ending the relationship.

 

By the time the dumper ends the relationship, they have built up their strength to know this is the right decision and to see the break up through. In fact, they have already grieved and the emotions that the dumper feels directly after the break up - is relief and desperation! Relief that they are no longer in a relationship which makes them unhappy and desperation to be free of the anxiety and unhappiness they have been feeling for some time!

 

I remember when i ended my last relationship, it felt like i had just been released from prison. I felt so free walking out into the big wide world without the person who had treated me so bad for so long. I was anxious, not knowing what life would bring. But i know i needed to be free to live my life for me. The first month was amazing! I had so much freedom i could breathe again. Then i went through my uncertainty period - asking myself and my ex - did i do the right thing in breaking up?

 

I did do the right thing, but every dumper has an uncertainty period and this can be so cruel for the dumpee. Because you do think your ex wants you back.

 

I have been a dumpee too! So i know what hell is like also! I researched a lot about dumpees and dumpers and wrote a book on how to survive a break up - called 'Not Breaking When Your'e Broken'. This helped me focus on something positive, helping others. Instead of thinking about my ex!

 

If you want to know more or need help and support. Check out my website www.notbreaking.com - my ebook may be worth a read.

 

It is important to learn how your ex is feeling so you can understand the bigger picture and why it was important to break up. It isnt always about getting your ex back, it is about getting you back to the very best version of you - and moving on from what you are feeling right now!

 

Good luck and best wishes x

[Texsec]

I'm so sorry Texsec,

7 years is a long time.I only sleep about 4 hours a night now too & I feel like it has really started to take a toll on me.I think I almost went into psychosis a couple of weeks ago!

 

I don't think moving would be an option for you but, if you haven't already done so...maybe you can rearrange your furniture around & paint the walls a new color? That may help you feel like your bedroom is not the "enemy"

 

Hi dsw31,

 

Yes people keep telling me that. She trailed breadcrumbs for a long time..taking me out for my birthday, calling me 911 when her dog was sick, came over and took care of me for a week after an injury...? I really thought we would get back together...She all the sudden went dark and got very mean. I can't sell the house right now, as I have 2 years of work invested in it. All my family has moved away and it makes it hard. I travel 3-4 weeks at a time with work and have no one to watch the house or my dog....Just I did so much for her and she just walked out without trying after I exposed her affair. So empty. Im not crazy about trying to find a roommate, trusting my home and pet to a stranger....

[Phanpooh]

When i dumped 2 girls, i called it, let them go for them benefit

But in reality, there isnt "that not you, that me", cause that exactly i dumped them cause they dun get me and i need more, that is guilty talk.

The pain hitted me too, but after few months and i were healed so fast. When i met them later, i still have feeling for them but just like a crush, or old friend, nothing more.

At now, i sometime dream about about them, but nothing hurt me!

When someone dumped me, that hurt at begin. Last time it was about few months and now, i still think about her but no more pain.

The ugly truth is when i think about my exes, that is happy memories, start with sex. If i dun need sex and suddenly, they r on y mind, that should be bad memories.

[Gulf-Delta]

Gulf Delta,

 

I am just as guilty so I'm not really one to talk but...you gotta stop all contact! It's really the only way to begin to heal.I wish I could take my own advice!

 

I have, for the most part.

 

It gets easier and easier to maintain everytime I break it. 1st I broke after 1 week. Then 2. Then a month....I've broken it again last week, but she's made it clear she hasn't changed, so I'll just....go away for a while again..

 

The reason I keep breaking NC is just because I have no closure. All I want from her is either friendship (she has already made clear this isn't possible at this point), or an explanation for the lies and why she left. Plus, I feel like if I don't talk to her, she'll think I don't care about her/forget about me....Part of me says she can't (sooo many firsts and big events together) but the other part of me is saying she's gonna bury herself so deep in her new life, she's going to just forget about me altogether, replace me, move away and I'll never see her again

[Moonlight2012]

It's been a week. I'm the dumpee. I feel a bit better. I think the toughest part is the memories and the habits. You can't help but think how it all changed in a matter of days. One minute you guys are laughing and sharing things with one another. The next he gone forever.

 

I dunno why but I don't feel the pain as much as other people have on this site. He dumped me after 2 years of closeness, said he wasn't attracted to me. He went that he "genuinely tried to be and had genuine feelings for me and will miss me very much". But it's like how can you miss someone you have basically found repulsive and never gave the time of day to anyway? He had a issue with my weight, he wants a slim hot looking girl. (He said this literally)

 

I feel really used because he led me on believing we would have a future together. It was only this Tuesday he emailed me saying he misses me a lot and thinks about me and even though we never worked out he cares about me and been wondering how I have been doing since he dumped me. Clearly that's the guilt talking.

 

Dunno what to take of the situation. In a way I keep being told he will regret it, and will come running back when he sees other girls are a let down, and that I am better off because he is shallow and arrogant. But same time, I feel like I've lost the biggest part of me, my best friend, someone to love.